Past Two...

The clock just ticked past two. I have all my windows open and the Katydids are calling earnestly accompanied by the shrill staccato call of an insect I have yet to identify. I have all my windows and backdoor open so Maggie can come and go. She so loves to do this and at this late hour I don’t have to worry about her getting run over on the road. It seems we are both night owls these days. I find the peacefulness of these early hours comforting.

I am fraught with worry over tomorrow. I think this is shall I will handle it. I will let dad and us both sit down in my psychiatrist’s office. Dad will look to me to start.

“You go ahead and speak your mind,” I shall say to him.

When that is done, I shall ask my doctor for some private one on one time. This will completely piss dad off. He probably will not speak to me on the drive home.

“Doc, I am thirty four years old, right?” I shall ask.

She will say yes.

“I am treated as if I am ten.” I shall reply. “I can’t even buy my own groceries or fill up my car with gas.”

“You have a mental illness and need help with such things,” She will say.

“I also have basic human rights that can’t be taken away. They can only be infringed mental illness or no. Many mentally ill people function at a high level.”

“Are you still drinking?” She will then ask.

“I have had a few run-ins with mouthwash these past few weeks,” I will reply.

“What on God’s green earth would make you want to drink mouthwash?” She will ask.

“I had no other recourse. I wanted a drink and my father will not let me have any money and mouthwash is a dollar a bottle,” I will reply.

“Can’t you do without the drinking?” She will ask. “If you cannot then you are an alcoholic.”

“I am more apt to do without it if abstinence is not forced upon me,” I will reply. “I rarely drank heavily until abstinence was forced upon me. It causes me to binge drink. I would like the choice.”

“Hmm, I see,” She will say.

About this time, we will bring my father back in and discuss what I have told her. The outcome? I have no earthly idea. It could go either way.

Then we will adjust my medications. My medications already cost $1300 dollars a month which I think is ridiculous. I can’t tell the different with or without some. She will probably prescribe me another as is her fashion. My father wants her to prescribe me Revia which is an anti-alcohol abuse drugs, but it takes monthly liver tests. The odds of me getting down to the hospital for monthly blood work are almost nil and I have told her this. My P-Doc has left it out as an option.

I will write up what happens tomorrow as soon as I get home. If I do have to go away, I want many of your addresses so we can write and keep up with each other. Let’s hope it doesn’t come down to that though. I refuse to be sequestered away in some mental ward just to make my father’s life easier and with less fraught. It’s not like I have ever showed up at their house drunk anyway. If I drink, I stay home and read books and browse the internet. I never drive or get out. Tomorrow will decide if I regain my autonomy or not. I am so scared that the status quo will remain.