Tonight I cooked some chicken parmigiana, a vegetable medley in a lemon butter sauce, and some linguini with a marinara sauce. I topped it all off with a glass of milk, two dinner rolls, and a banana for dessert. Soon, I was in the shower getting ready for tonight’s Big Book study at the A.A. meeting hall. I noticed in the mirror as I stood in my bathroom drying my hair that I badly need a haircut. One of my biggest social phobias is having to go over to Jim’s barbershop, make small talk, and get a trim. I guess I will have to bite the bullet in the next few days or so. It will take that long to muster up the courage to go.
I drove on over to the meeting hall after dusk and took a seat. We had another small group tonight. We are listening to recordings of commentary as we read along in our books every Wednesday night. Tonight’s meeting told the story of an alcoholic who tried everything possible to stay sober to no avail. He was considered a lost cause. He had lost everything. He found the halls of A.A. and stayed sober for many years until his death of natural causes. He died a man with little regrets.
It is hard for me to imagine living the rest of my natural life without a drink. I have romanticized getting just a six pack and getting comfortably numb lately. I play mind games in that I try to tell myself I am not an alcoholic and just a “problem drinker” with a problem that can be solved. Deep in my heart I know the truth though. I am one of those unenviable souls who will never be able to drink like a normal person and must abstain. My life had become unmanageable during my drinking days and I don’t want to go back to that chaos that it was when I was amidst a divorce, homeless, and completely blitzed around the clock. I was a useless human being with a soul devoid of any redeeming qualities. I lived only for the next case of beer I could purchase and drink. It was a sad life and I have to keep reminding myself how far I have come since that Christmas, homeless, in 2004.
I did something very uncharacteristic for me today. I applied for a Visa credit card online and got immediate approval. The card is in the mail. I tore up my credit cards long ago and vowed never to use another. I tried to justify today’s actions in that I “need” a new $349 dollar LCD computer monitor that I just have to have and can only afford on payment terms. Hopefully, I will have the good sense and willpower to tear the damn thing up when it arrives before activating it. The last thing I need is any kind of debt on my meager income. They say fools are made of wise men in inopportune and weak moments. Hopefully, this old fool will have the sense to wizen up when the time comes. Good night.
10 comments:
stay strong my friend, stay strong
likewise
Sir:
Yes, tear up the damn card as soon as it arrives. Those things really are only designed to have people live (temporairily) beyond their means.
I am not sure if I believe you are really an "acoholic" or not. However, if AA is making you feel more content with life... more power to AA!
PipeTobacco
I am not sure that you are an alcoholic either. I do know that it is scary to be drunk and have so much time pass before you, realizing nothing productive came from it. You are strong, Andrew. As for the credit card, if you don't feel like you have the willpower, I would get rid of it. If it is something else that you can manage at this time, use it. Perhaps you could ask your dad for a loan? I am sure he would consider it.
One last thing, what's going on with Carolyn? You never mention her anymore.
it's a healthy sign that you can now look back at what was going on in your life and it had become unmanageable. Romanticizing about drinking is natural as are "drunk dreams" but it's scary at the same time.
Like they say: taking medication must mean I'm sick so If I stop taking my medication I won't be sick anymore.
I think its good that you are aware of your limitations and can work with or around them. So many of us can't even if we don't have the challenges you face.
You rock.
You are brave for trying to make your life better.
Sending you thoughts of peace.
fiwa
Or, you could take the PT job and keep the card; use in moderation.
You can do it Andrew. You only have to believe in yourself. (I know, that's the hard part...)
Credit cards are risky business, friend. That's the one lesson that was hard-wired into me from my dad. If you don't have one, you won't get yourself into debt.
Credit cards let us get all this "stuff" whenever we want it, even if we can't really afford it. I've found that there is lots of satisfaction in being able to save up your money for something for a couple weeks, and then going out to pay for it in one fell swoop. The anticipation of getting something is part of what makes you appreciate things I guess.
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