It is 1 A.M. I am talking on the phone with Carolyn. Despite her breaking up with me, she still calls me every night. We are like an old married couple whose presence aggravates each other, but we can’t let go and say goodbye. Tonight, she can’t sleep and knew I would be up. I keep such odd hours.
“I can’t sleep and will feel awful at work tomorrow,” She says. “I feel like utter crap.”
“Sorry to hear that,” I say quietly as I listen.
I am bitter, angry, and hurt. These calls do not help. I feel like I am being used.
“What did you do yesterday?” She asks trying to quell the silence and the awkwardness of it.
“I and George rode down to Auburn,” I replied.
“You know I don’t like you hanging out with him,” She says. “He is trouble waiting to happen.”
I yawn and stay quiet. I do not want to go through this same old argument one more time.
“Why are you so quiet?”
“I am tired and sleepy,” I reply.
“I miss you.”
Silence… I am too hurt to answer.
“I need to go to bed,” I say.
“Will you call me tomorrow?” She asks.
“I am confused by all of this,” I reply. “Let’s just lay low for awhile.”
“Okay,” She says sounding dejected as we say goodnight and hang up the phone.
I go lie down on the bed and sob softly as Maggie curls up by my side. It has never been so hard for me to say goodbye to someone. I finally thought I had found someone who could understand me and my illness, but she is like the rest; close minded; petty; judgmental.
“You will always love me, won’t you girl?” I ask Maggie as I pet her.
Maggie sighs softly and moves closer to me. I lay for the longest time in my darkened and quiet bedroom listening to her breathe. It is a comforting and reassuring sound. Life goes on as it always has. Time will heal all wounds. Tomorrow brings a new day and the hurt is lessened.
19 comments:
Stick in there Andrew - reading your story has moved me to become a better person, taking inspiration from your battle in my own mental illness. Tomorrow is another day - stay strong.
Peace, Andrew.
Your thoughts are correct. She cannot have it both ways: breaking it off then calling at all hours to rub the wound raw; breaking it off and still telling you how to live your life. It was not her place to do that even when you were together, let alone now!
Your closing words are the best, "Life goes on as it always has. Time will heal all wounds. Tomorrow brings a new day and the hurt is lessened."
Keep repeating that to yourself, and reaching out to those who accept you as you are.
I'm sorry Andrew.
Sigh...I have to agree with Kristen. You can't have it both ways and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think Carolyn should know you well enough to realize how much her calls hurt you.
When you can't count on people pets seem to offer the most refuge and reassurance from a harsh world.
hang in there Dude!
At least you were able to communicate your confusion! I tend to clam up and not say what I am feeling which never helps.
Hello Andrew,
the way you handle such a situation is simply remarkable. No matter the suffering it brings, you are able to display strength of mind and are able to stick to a clear behaviour even though it would be so easy to act or talk otherwise.
Indeed, you set an example for your friends and readers,
best thoughts and friendly feelings!!!!!!
Laurent
As I'm knew to this blog, I'm not sure of the entire background but in what I have read so far I see things this way... It's ironic that she said George is bad for you and then she left you.
She seems to be the one that is hurting you more than George. You seem strong against George. You know his story and you know his weaknesses and more importantly you know your own. You can fend him off and distance yourself and remain his friend. You have done it and as long as you keep your head about you, you can keep doing it. You are strong.
But Carolyn... she is not being fair to you. She is playing with your heart and that may not be as strong as your mind right now. Find the strength in your heart to ask her to stop the calls, let you move on. She isn't the right one for you and I think you know that which is what's important.
My best to you. Hang in there.
Hello Sir:
I am sorry for Carolyn's inappropriate behavior towards you. Unfortunately, hers is a behavior pattern I have seen (and experienced once myself in a relationship) that is unfortunately more common than you would anticipate:
The insecure person who wants and demands another CHANGE for them, instead of accepting the partner for who he/she is.
To have a breakup and then continual phone calls (and more likely than not, occasional bedroom sessions when she is feeling especially needy) is her way to be able to exhert control.
I recall the first time the two of you dated, and she abandoned you for a few months then when you talked to her about your schizophrenia. To me, that was very reveailing. When the two of you became an item again, I was very fearful she would play the same abandonment card again, and it seems she has.
You of course know the situation the best. But if you would like a bit of advice, if I were you... I would try to sever all ties with her, because this sort of pattern typically happens again and again and again. It is really about control.
You deserve someone who is a true partner for you and a true match. If you end up yo-yoing back and forth with Carolyn, you will be less available to meet the woman who would become your true life partner.
People in relationships need to accept their partner for who they are... and not try to manipulate them into what they would like the partner to become.
PipeTobacco
I agree with everyone. Take charge. Just say, "no," then be free to be you and be happy.
I don't know enough sometimes I think about people or life to comment or advise, but hey mister you take care of yourself, all right?
You matter,and no one messes with you, yes?
Strength is a glorious thing and the way that you stood up and stayed calm showed it more than anything I've "seen" in a while.
Cut your ties and the wounds will heal more quickly. This woman has no right to dictate who is or isn't good for you. She also has no right to string you along for her own selfish reasons.
Big hugs and hopes for a better tomorrow :)
Changing for ones own self is hard enough. You cannot expect someone else to change for you. In relationships as Pipe Tobacco said, you have to accept the other for who they are. Not who you would like them to be. If you can't do that the kindest thing to do is let them go.
You're doing fine Andrew. She isn't being fair to either one of you.
Life does go on.
A lot of GREAT posts here. Andrew, her problems are not about you. I sometimes feel like you blame a lot of things on your mental illness. This yo-yo behavior Carolyn is displaying shows no discrimination. As a matter of fact my neighbor has the same problem with his ex. She cheated on him openly with another married man which eventually (after a couple years) led to their divorce. She will manipulate him, abuse him, laugh at him, and yet when she gets lonely or needs something...who is the first person she will call? Him. It's so unfair and cruel. I also liked that you could tell Carolyn that you were confused by the calls, etc. Wow. You do have courage, Andrew. I have a hard time confronting the people who use me. I will think of you next time and try to be as gracious and firm as you have been.
I'm so glad you have Maggie!
We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. — Sam Keen
I saw this quote recently, and I think this is what we all need to remember instead of trying to change someone to fit our idea of what they should be.
Wow, looks like I am the late one on this post.
Saying no is HARD! You want to be with her, but yet you don't want to be hurt. You want her to understand, but she doesn't. You can't make her. She needs time as well to process. Carolyn is obviously intimidated about the situation.
I do say that you can't be friends. It just wouldn't work. Those old feelings would always be there and then you're back to square one.
Good luck on this one. It's difficult no matter which way you look at it. Just hang in there and follow your heart. We are here for you.
I sent you an email at your gmail.
Take Care
Liz
Oh Andrew,
I'm so sorry to hear about this pain. You deserve so much better and I was so excited for you when it seemed like Carolyn was good for you.
Sadly, you have to be strong enough to take the hard road. Again. It must suck.
Please don't let this cut you off from all future possibilty of love and relationship.
You deserve to be loved for who you are, as you are. You know that in your deepest being. Don't be disuaded.
Andrew~
The other side of the coin: I've been in love with a man who's plagued with a truckload of personal and mental issues. Unlike you though, he's never had the courage to seek and pursue a course of treatment.
I tried. And tried. And then tried some more and I couldn't help him see the benefits of facing up to his demons and act to conquer them. To help himself, to save us.
I had to be the one to walk away from him, but he walked away from us long before I did, even if he didn't say so...
It's hard. It's incredibly hard, no matter what side you're on. But as my Mom would say, there's always a tear for every rip.
Peace and sweet dreams!
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