I realize my journal can be dramatic at times. That's just par for the course when dealing with someone saddled with mental illness. One day the weather is sunny with clear skies. The next day it is addled with rain and overcast. I am much like the weather and can turn on a whim. They (my doctor and father) say the lithium I take is supposed to help with this, but I don't know. I still have crazy off days like today.
An hour ago, I took three Librium and it immediately calmed me down. Then I just called my father to tell him of my plans. "You've been doing so well lately and I have bragged to everyone about you," he said. "Your brother and sister are so proud." I couldn't go through with leaving Maggie and Rosa and living down on the river. It took some pills and a pep talk to make me change my mind. It's sad really and I know it is frustrating to read. I am so embarrassed by my last post, but will let it stand. I am off to take a long nap and hope that the gods that be allow me to wake up in a different frame of mind. I hope you all have a good day.
9 comments:
Is cabin fever mental illness? For that matter is it even symptomatic of the desire to be homeless? I think a lot of people get four wall fever and it takes getting out of the house to deal with it. Is there really any such thing as mental illness or it just relative?
You have no reason to feel embarassed by your previous post, Andrew - you were just being real. I have learned a great deal from you because of your willigness to share your experiences. I think you handled things wonderfully - instead of just taking off you let people know and gave them a chance to discuss it. That's an adult way to deal with things - in the end the decision to go or to stay is still your option, see how you feel about it after a good rest. I also find myself wondering if the new, more intense relationship with Rosa isn't requiring a little time for adjustment on your part - your house is more occupied than it was before, so maybe that's why you find yourself craving escape. Talk it out with her if it is, find a compromise!
Andrew - I'm sorry I didn't comment on all the new entries.....You have been busy the last couple of days!
First and foremost, one of the biggest draws of this blog is the fact that you are so honest and open about EVERYTHING in your life. It is one of the main reasons that I keep coming back and seeing what is happening.
Your friend in HS was right about writing...you have to make people feel what you are feeling and have an emotion attached to it....without that...it is just writing for writings sake...see my last boring blog entry..he he.
You have a way of telling a story that pulls us all in...and those who react with a negative vibe are just lost/lonely/hurt souls that wouldn't know how to open up if someone split them into 100 pieces.
Keep writing...keep blogging...it is part of WHO you are...and we love you for it.
Lisa
Big hugs to you. Don't feel guilty about having to take something - while you say you are schizophrenic I see a touch of bipolar disorder in you too. It is all part of your chemical imbalances. The stress of new love (while good stress) IS stress and that is taxing your system a bit.
I am glad to hear while you and Rosa are keeping company, she has NOT moved in with you full-time. You need to keep separate residences for a while longer.
I am so glad you have a loving family who takes care of you (and you of them).
I have been having a great day, and I can only hope that you have better one. Sometimes things are so hard to deal with, that those pills are the only safe way to calm yourself down. Have a great great day.
Your life is one, long, beautiful drama Andrew.
This blog is about who you are at the very core. I told you long long ago, posts about nothing more than your "good days" wouldn't be true to you. We need both. We live your life through you and this blog. We are your friends so we take the good with the bad.
Don't ever apologize for your blogs or your illness. I adore you no matter what.
Just keep on keeping on! If you want to have a homeless day by the river, do it. But don't give up your homebase forever. And forgive yourself! Forgive yourself for having a bad day. It is hard, but you are making it!
Love it that you are so honest. The bad days make the good days even sweeter!
Honesty is a beautiful thing!!
I may not have to take Lithium but I have days that are crazy and days that I just feel so hairpulling out of my head, up to here with this and that crazy..it's all perfectly natural for you to be feeling this way.
Like a surfer you're riding the unknown waves of emotions and you get that good wave and you're up ready and clear minded to ride it into the surf when splash! the wave turns and sucks you underneath for a few seconds..
I know.
Always,
Crusty~
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