Christmas Ramblings

It has been a long year and much has happened.  I have settled into a quiet life in my own home with my dog and my computer.  I am finding myself more isolated these days despite my jaunts down to the shopping center.  I go down there mainly out of boredom and loneliness.   You can always count on something "going on" down there. 

I was thinking this morning about my state of mind and my appearance.  I look, for all intents and purposes, like a homeless person.  I wear frumpy clothes and rarely shave these days.  My tennis shoes are falling apart and I won't wear my new ones bought in the fall.  I was wondering if it was depression, but I don't think so.  Depression causes me to sleep and I haven't been spending an inordinate time in bed.  This just feels comfortable to me, and I realized I no longer care what other people think.  It affects my relationships though.  My status on the social ladder rungs of life is pretty low.  I have keenly noticed how different I am treated when I am out with my father.  He dresses well and looks wealthy.  Yes, Sir! No, Sir!  I am treated with contempt as I look poor, and I am poor monetarily.  

I have big dreams these days that I don't share on the blog.  Dreams of wandering the countryside, riding the rails, and seeing where my fancy takes me.  I would be leaving behind a lot, and I would somehow have to train Maggie to stay with me and not run off like some hellion set free after a school day.  Still, I dream.  I dream of leaving behind my overbearing family and becoming a true vagabond.  This home has kept me tied down and too comfortable for far too long.  Wanderlust is in my blood. 

I thought of living in my car for awhile like the Hobopoet did for a spell.  Just for kicks and fun.  I lived in my car for a short while last year and it was interesting.  I have always been drawn to alternate forms of living one's life.  I have also thought of pitching my tent behind the cotton mill and living for a spell.  What has kept me from doing all that is that I tend to want to drink when faced with such situations.  Your days are filled with idle hours and the drinking makes the time fly.  Drinking, I have found, also causes those terrible panic and anxiety attacks to return.  I can't live with those as they are absolutely horrible and frightening.  That alone almost keeps me sober these days. 

Mentally,  I think I am doing pretty well.  I have my moments.  Just today, I was thinking of quitting blogging.  I felt like I was getting nothing out of it with only negative comments from people I think don't really care.  I am just some dog and pony show for other's entertainment.  I have seen so many people come and go over the short life of this blog, and it makes me wonder what I am doing wrong.  If I am even worthy of being someone's friend or not.  Little communities sprout up around blogs and mine doesn't seem to have much of one, unlike the many, lessor read blogs I read.  I always had a hard time making friendships and keeping them.  I wonder why I even try anymore.  All my relationships are superficial.  A few people that have read my blog have reached out to me over the phone these past few years.  I won't answer on a regular basis though due to my phone phobias and they soon grow tired of calling to only get my answering machine. 

The new year is coming up.  I have plans.  Big plans.   I still want to volunteer somewhere to help build up a work ethic and resume.  I have good intentions every morning I get up, but falter.  Getting dressed in uncomfortably nice clothes, being socially acceptable, and driving to ask wears me  down and brings out my anxieties.  I used to be such an outgoing soul, not afraid to work or try new things.  I realize I am scared.  Scared of other people and life's situations.  It is safer to sit at home or to visit with my unorthodox friends down at the shopping center.  My only lifeline to others is the Internet and that is superficial at best as well.  I don't know what the new year will bring, but I have high hopes.  I am so lucky in so many ways, but so mired in my own comfortable existence that change is terrifying.  Maybe it is time for change -- for this blog and for my life as well.