I left Rosa in the bed early this morning unable to sleep. The wee hours of the morning found me sitting in my favorite park, smoking cigarillos, and enjoying this warm air -- a mild, pleasant stretch of weather to revel in.
"Your blessed," I thought to myself as I listened to Coast to Coast AM, and took great, hardy drags of smoke from my cigar. "Things have been so good lately I don't think you know how to handle it, or to enjoy it to it's fullest. Savor this time in your life."
Far too often my life was arduous and full of strife. Drunken debauchery. An unwell mind. Strained relations with my family. It all added up to me being a bundle of nerves and raw emotion. A great, tense miasmic mess of a human being.
To my surprise Ferret was sitting outside the convenience store above the "no loitering" sign. I had stopped to get a cup of hot chocolate from my favorite convenience store clerk. The irony made me smile.
"How come I always run into you?" Ferret said, jokingly.
"We haunt the same places," I replied. "Don't you ever sleep?"
"I could ask the same thing of you," Ferret quipped.
"Thunderbird," I thought. "He's drinking Thunderbird. That damn Thunderbird."
I didn't linger long around Ferret as I was feeling weak this morning. That great, wild call of alcohol only an alcoholic knows well was working hard on me this day.
"Damn you," I thought. "You are obsessed. You know drinking will only destroy your life and yet you still want to do it. You still think about it."
They say in A.A. that drinking is a form of insanity -- always doing the same thing and expecting different results. I've had far too much insanity in my life in these later years. I made a conscious choice to be sane. I made a conscious choice not to drink. I choose to live a decent life.
_______________________________
I've thought long and hard about my inclination to save Ferret. Sadly, he has a choice to live homeless or not. If he didn't drink so with wanton abandon, he could afford an apartment. I wanted to step in and handle his problems much like my father steps in to handle mine. Sadly, my father did nothing but harm me doing that, and I would be doing the same to Ferret.
They say life can be the greatest teacher. Much like my recent lesson I learned with my stolen car. Never leave your keys in your car. Even in this small town. In a few days colder weather will break this mild spell we are having, and living outside will become far less kind. Maybe it will give Ferret the impetus to get off the streets, sober up, and start being responsible. I can only hope for the best for my unorthodox friend. But I can't choose his path for him. I can only support him in the good choices and watch idly on as he blunders through life with the bad.
13 comments:
good morning friend...i did not sleep much...my own fault i forgot to take one of my meds and i did not remember it till 5:00 a.m. and did not want to take it sincei would go to sleep and miss my appointments.i am frustrated because i did forget and i had been doing better at taking all of my medications. see if we lived closer you could have come over to visit since we were both early risers.
Way to go, Andrew! Just keep making those wise choices and you'll do just fine. Congrats on 51 days! That's GREAT!
Andrew,
Your writing is awesome and your correct, it just keeps getting better.
G_d bless you!
We all want to help make life easier on others..its so refreshing to see that there are others that think the same way..
I hope you're having a good day today!!
Always,
Crusty~
Hey Andrew, I just recently started reading your blog. You're such a talented writer! But I'm sure you knew that. Anyway, I admire your strength. Alcoholism runs thick in my family along with addictive personalitie, and I was actually at the early stages of alcoholism along with depression and such. Thankfully I got out of it before I became to reliant on that and other substances. I can't say the same for my father, though.
You are completely right about people can only help themselves. I just has a son last June and didn't want my son to experience all that I had with my father. I begged him to stop drinking, offered to go to AA meetings with him and everything. He kept promising but everytime he got drunk.... well you know. It's the same old story. Sadly, I don't talk to him anymore.
I use to write a lot, and get a lot of inspiration from other writers. Hope you don't mind me getting a little inspration from you!
Andrew, you are right, life is all about choices. We all have choices we have to make, some are good, some are not so good we make, but it all boils down to choices. You are making great choices these days, however, as much as you would like to help your friend, he too has to make choices. You know from AA he has not hit his personal bottom yet. Not until then will he want to chance his choices. You must be grateful for your Dad stepping in to help you. I know you don't have that prespective, but your Dad's choice was to help you when you were choosing not to help yourself. Fortunately, for you, it has helped you stay on the right path, as difficult as it might seem to you, your Dad was only acting in your best interest, I'm sure, because he loves you. I know your Dad is so pleased with your choices of late, even though he's difficult to deal with. You are so blessed to have a family that loves you, a companion that loves you (Rosa), your best friend (Maggie) that things you are king of the universe, a wonderful home, a vehicle, soon to be returned to you, and your health. Hay, look at that day 51! Way to go. GREAT CHOICES!!!!! Dear Friend.
:)
all i can say is i know how ya feel..
and hey--
sorry about the man butt-- i bet ya got a laugh tho!
happy whatever the hell day it is :))
thursday???
You sound so grounded this morning. Your ability to convey how you are feeling/doing through your words amazes me sometimes. You are such a good writer! ac
Good for you Andrew in realizing that Ferrett cannot be 'rescued' but has to make his own choices in life and deal with each consequence as it arrises. It's how we learn. Hopefully..lol
You sound very grounded today and ready to take on the world. Keep up the good work my friend.
Blessings
Leann
Hey friend. I am glad you see the joy and freedom in your life. It helps you see how others need help or at least positive prayers and thoughts. Be proud of how far you've come.
You abilit to regognize and enjoy the good in your life is inspiring. :)
The way you think about Ferret, is what many of us thought when you were treading water weeks, months back. But as we stayed around and tried to encourage you, you are staying around Ferret, surrouding him with your positive self, wishing and praying he sees the good amidst the bad. That Andrew is good...you are a good man~
Keep it up- 51d 14h 53s ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
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