We went to Charlie's last night for Christmas Eve dinner. We had hot roast beef sandwiches with horseradish sauce his wife, Janice, had cooked. I tell you, they were delicious. Dad made a cake - a lane cake - which was also divine. Charlie was supposed to go to Atlanta to his son's house for Christmas, but his son's wife left him on Christmas Eve, packed up their daughter, and headed to Tennessee - escaping to her family.
As we were sitting at the table eating our desserts, mom said, "I think I just shit in my pants!" Dad looked at me. Charlie looked at dad. Charlie's sometimes acerbic wife shook her head.
"Well, go wipe your ass and we will go open presents real quick and I will take you home," dad said with an air of kindness. "You need any help?"
Mom sheepishly left the table and went to take care of business and to clean herself up. I opened my iPod and Charlie also went so far as to get me a $50 dollar iTunes gift card on top of the fireplace and aquarium DVD he gave me. I've gotten over $200 so far in iTunes gift cards and already spent most of it on audiobooks like Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Audiobooks are expensive! Twilight alone was $28.99!
We had driven over in dad's Honda CR-V. As we were driving home, dad turned to me and said, "Let's get the big car out of the garage (the BMW X5) and go take it for a ride to look at the Christmas lights. Let's go blow it out as my father would used to say. That car will run like a scalded dog. There's nothing like a big V8!"
"Can I drive it some?" I asked excitedly.
"It's Christmas," dad replied. "Sure you can!"
"I think I just shit in my pants again," mom said from the backseat.
"Martha! What's wrong with you?" my father asked as he looked at me and rolled his eyes.
We dropped mom off at home and the car reeked. "Jesus!" dad said as mom escaped into the house. Poor mom. Bless her heart. It must have been all so embarrassing. I am glad dad didn't laugh like he normally does. It was Christmas after all.
Today, I go to my sister's house. I am so nervous. The small talk. The strange house. A sister I've been estranged to for years. It is the first time in years I've felt mentally well enough to do all this, though. Dad was worried about me last night and slipped me two Klonopin. "I'll give you two more in a few hours," he said as we were standing outside in the rain at Charlie's house while I smoked. It certainly has been an interesting Christmas so far.
16 comments:
Your family sounds a lot like mine in some ways. Interesting evening, lol.
Maybe suggest to your mom that she take something like accuflproa pro-biotic acidophilus. This is a friendly bacteria that helps the body to properly digest food. Someone I know has a similar problem and 1 pill of this twice/day fixed her right up! Merry Christmas.
Your poor mom..i hope the pill anonymous suggests does the trick for her..Glad you had a good time until then..and hope you enjoyed the B.M.W. ride..my Son in Law as one, but his is almost 5 years old now..he calls it the ultimate driving experience...i wish i could afford one !!!
Or maybe mom could try Depends or a similar product. They make them now that don't even show!
Andrew - I'll repeat myself here! You're doing so well! Don't anticipate trouble. Just lie to your brain and tell it that you KNOW everything is going to be just fine. Positive thinking can be a wonderful thing, my dear.
Merry Christmas - enjoy that ipod on your ride! I'm sure it will be easier than making small talk with the parents!
Ho Ho Ho,
Grannie
Merry Christmas Andrew. Just a thought about itunes and audiobooks. I check them out from the library and for the record, I love the Twilight books - especially on long walks. Bliss.
Anyway - it might save some precious iTunes bucks to check them from the library. Here in CA we are able to request items online and they let us know when they are available at our closest branch. Saves wasted trips.
Oh my, I feel so sorry for your mother. Poor thing. I hope she consults her doctor for treating this problem. Bless her heart.
Glad you are enjoying the holidays. What about Maggie?
Be sure and take a Christmas video of her and post it!!
Christina
Merry Christmas and I hope your Mom gets some help for this condition - poor thing.
Merry Christmas and I hope your Mom gets some help for this condition - poor thing.
Sorry Andrew but you had me laughing out loud. Can't wait to hear the next installment. Merry Christmas buddy of mine!!!
Wait, Charlie has a wife and kids? Isn't he your Dad's "friend"? Gosh, your extended family is exciting! Merry Christmas, my dear friend!
Merry Christmas, Andrew!
We've got crazy family things happening around here, too. It makes for interesting an interesting christmas, doesn't it??? :)
Just thought I would mention I got a sweet HP laptop for Christmas. You would love it. Also had to install itunes as one of the kids got a Shuffle and I added some music to it. Makes me want an ipod. Maybe for my birthday.
Hope you are enjoying the time with your family. I usually dread spending time with mine, but then find it was fun after all.
I feel for your Mom Andrew. I sometimes have the same problem. There is a surgery that can fix her right up if the Kegal exercises and pills don't help her. It must be so embarrassing for her.
It sounds like you had a wonderful time with your Dad. I know you'll do great at your sisters.
Hope you had an awesome day!
Poor Mom!! Anyway, Merry Christmas! Must be something in your Mom's diet that is causing her accidents, or else her sphincter is not sensing the urgency, or maybe her meds? She should talk to her Dr.
Praise the Gods for Ativan!!
Maire
Quite possibly the most frigin hilarious post ever written. well done!
nice post. thanks.
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