The wind and rain has really picked up here. There are many limbs down in the yard. The worst for us is expected this afternoon especially if the storm curves on a more easterly course. If you don’t see me post for a few days or respond to your emails then understand that I may be without power. Most local news organizations are saying that power outages are a strong and likely possibility. Don’t fret, I am well prepared. I have all my camping gear ready to go. I have a butane camp stove and several cylinders of butane. I also have plenty of canned goods and food that is frozen. I have a whole box of candles and a butane lamp. I took some time to fill up the bathtub with water. I am not an alarmist but think it is wise to prepare for the worst case scenario.
My great aunt has come to stay with me to weather the storm. She got a ride with Charlie yesterday afternoon. I am going to get us some lunch started in just a bit. I defrosted some chicken legs and will fry them and will cook a pot of beans. I worry that I will have to entertain her and I am not feeling well and am obsessing over it.
I know I rarely talk about my mental illness. I do not want any sympathy. I also don’t want to be taken lightly. I don’t want the reader who visits my blog to be tainted by the presumption that I am just completely nuts and everything I say is suspect. If you would meet me lately in real life then you would find me very normal as far as what I portray on the outside compared to many months ago. This new medicine has made a world of difference in me.
My illness tends to be cyclic. I have noticed the past few days that things are tending to flare up. I keep having the delusion of grandeur that certain phrases on my computer screen are highlighted in very bold text and have a significant hidden meaning that I must decipher. I have the strong urge and tendency to copy and paste them into a word file for later perusal. It doesn’t help that I have been keenly interested in debates between theists and atheists lately. I can spend actual hours reading these debates on certain web forums.
I know the warning signs of a flare up and last night threw up a big red flag. I usually sleep and rest on a very fixed schedule. I stayed up till past 3 am reading debates and am absolutely exhausted this morning. What was the first thing I did this morning? I went straight back into the debates and began reading again. I do not want to get on one of my “causes”.
I have also had a phobia about my blog. I am so afraid to check my email or look at my blog for the fear that what I have posted is dribble or gibberish. I fear that I will get unkind or scolding comments or people will take out of context what I am trying to say. I will actually have butterflies in my stomach as I watch the comments and emails download into my inbox in Microsoft outlook. I know this fear is irrational but is very real in my mind. If I ever take a while to respond to you then you know what is going on. I have yet to check or download my email this morning out of that fear.
My best case scenario would be to take a Zyprexa and sleep for the rest of the day. Zyprexa is an atypical anti-pshycotic that will absolutely knock me out. It makes me so sleepy that I cannot function but I rest very well. I can’t do that today as I have my great aunt to take care of. I know I must get us some meals together and at the very least, go upstairs several times today and sit with her. I know I must weather this personal storm much as I must weather the storm that is beginning to rage outside my windows. I must just wait it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment