The morning after

I awoke this morning feeling weird. It’s hard to come face to face with a family member’s mortality especially someone you thought would never get sick and live to his nineties. I know he has a 99 percent chance of recovery but still, open heart surgery is serious business. I had a dream last night that they had dad on the operating table and they lost his pulse. I awoke suddenly to sweaty sheets and a wet pillow and it was cold in my apartment. I trudged sleepily upstairs and got in another bed to sleep the rest of the night foregoing my wet and clammy bed downstairs.

Last night was a hard night as I had all these thoughts going through my mind. Under times of stress is when addiction can really rear its ugly head. I wanted a drink and I wanted one badly. I wanted to escape in a bottle and drown my fears and sorrows. To forget about everything for a few short hours. In my mind, I started to romanticize drinking until a sobering thought came to mind: What if someone called and needed me last night and I was drunk? That would go over like a lead balloon and all the bonds of trust I have built up would crumble in an instant. I fixed a pot of hot tea instead and spent the evening drinking warm tea, browsing social work forums, and obsessing over my upcoming class schedule trying to get my mind off of things.

One thing that I have found is that having someone with a major illness in the family tends to put things on hold. I feel guilty if I even think about college or the upcoming months as if I am being selfish but thinking about these things takes my mind off the current situation. It feels as if I am sitting here with abated breath waiting for Monday to roll around and to get the surgery over with.

This morning I am trying to go about my schedule as normal. I am sipping my coffee, browsing the web and waiting for last night’s episodes of Eastenders and The Bill to download. I am completely addicted to British television and love that there are no commercials within their broadcasts. I found a website were you can download current British television the same night it airs and have quickly become an avid watcher of several programs. I rarely, if ever, turn on to watch American television anymore. The elections were an exception.