My sometimes girlfriend is a fitness buff. She works out everyday at the gym and walks religiously. Have you seen those power walkers that look kind of silly? She is one of those. She called tonight to see if she could start walking with me in the evenings. I still try to walk at least once a day for exercise. I used to hike my ass off with a heavy backpack but no longer have the time to do that.
“Is it alright if I start walking with you?” She asked.
I hesitated as I find my walking alone is a good time for me to think and meditate.
“You know I walk in the evenings and it is going to be cold tonight.” I replied trying to dissuade her. She hates the cold.
“I don’t mind. I think it will be a good time for us to talk.” She said.
“Well, come on over then.” I replied and hung up the phone.
I put on a warm pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt to get ready. I sat in my lazy boy until the lights of a car lit up my apartment from the driveway. She had arrived. I stepped outside to greet her.
“You know I don’t walk as fast as you do but I do keep a brisk pace.” I said.
“I know. Don’t worry about it.” She replied.
We walked down the driveway and made our way down towards Cherry Valley Shopping Center were the Piggly Wiggly resides. The night was clear and the air was crisp. We passed countless houses were you could see the glow of television sets flickering in the windows. All those people shut up inside and snug in their homes. I enjoy this time of the evening when all is still and quiet and there is little to no traffic. In a small town such as mine, things tend to shut down after dark. A long while passed until the inevitable conversation ensued.
“I want to talk to you about something but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” She said.
“Like what?” I asked warily.
“It’s about us.” She replied.
“Go on then.” I said preparing my self for what was to come.
“Do you think we can ever go back to the way we once were?” She asked.
We walked for several hundred more yards as I pondered over my reply.
“Well?” She asked trying to provoke a response.
“Me and you both have disabilities and a full plate. I just think a committed relationship is too much for the both of us at this time.” I replied.
“Am I a burden on you? Are you embarrassed by me?” She asked.
“No, not at all. You are taking it the wrong way. I am not embarrassed by you at all.” I said with a smile and gave her quick embrace.
“Then why can’t we be together like a normal couple?” She asked.
“What if I got sick again and things turned for the worse? Would you want to be with a guy who couldn’t get it together? And what about you? What if you got really ill again and couldn’t work or your medications stopped working?” I replied.
(A brief segue to explain a few things.)
To fill in new blog readers about my sometimes girlfriend: She had severe grand mal seizures for most of her life. She couldn’t drive or live an ordinary life. A few years ago they did a radical surgery and removed part of her brain. Not quite as drastic as a lobotomy but she lost her sense of smell and has a speech impediment because of it. The casual observer would think she was mentally retarded. To the contrary, she is quite brilliant and can drive and do most things normally now after her surgery. She graduated from college and her seizures have stopped. We met online by accident and she called me on the phone. It went from there and that is another story for another time.
(Now back to our dialogue.)
“I would take care of you and you would do the same for me I hope.” She said.
My heart melted at her saying this. I don’t know why I am so afraid to be committed. I worry so much that we could not take care of each other or that our conditions would exacerbate themselves.
“We will see.” I said as I held her hand. “We will both just have to see.”
“You know I love you and I would do anything to see about you.” She replied. “I would never do you like Rachel did.”
“I know you wouldn’t and I would do the same for you.” I replied as a tear erupted from my eye and ran down my cheek.
We made our way back to my house and stood in the driveway by her car.
“Call me when you get home. I want to know you are safe.” I said.
“I will and you slept tight and have a good night.” She replied. “I enjoyed spending time with you.”
I stood in the driveway and watched her drive home. I walked inside with a hundred emotions whirling around inside me. I do love this woman but I do not want to hurt her. I would do anything for her and I want her to be happy. I am just scared. Scared of the unknown and scared to commit to someone again after my first disastrous marriage.
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