What a somber title for a blog post! It is how I am feeling now. I have had a wave of pictures come in from my sister-in-law on the west coast. They all seem so happy and little Lilly seems so content. I feel despair in that I may never get to experience the joys of child birth or a “normal” marriage. I look at the pictures and tears stream down my cheeks. I break down in great sobs.
I feel as if it would be unfair for me to pass on my genes to my prodigy. I do not want to cause further harm. I think that my father, if he knew what he knows now, would have stayed away from my mother. Then again, two great doctors and two great people were birthed from that relationship.
Genes and genetic heritance can be such a game of Russian roulette. My brother and sister had things come so easily in my eyes. I knew from an early age that they were destined to great things. Humble old me inherited the faulty genes in the family. I inherited a genetic illness that has kept me down for the past ten years. I struggled from the earliest age just to keep up.
I try so hard to stay upbeat and positive but the facts can wear you down. You want so hard to achieve something worthwhile. I just want to be normal. I want a little girl or boy to call my own and to raise and cherish. I fear I can never have that though. My lot in life has been predestined by my genes. I must be content with helping others through the same experience I have endured. That is my lot in life.
Maybe, just someday, before I die they will develop a gene therapy that solves my problems. Maybe when I am forty or fifty, I can have a wife and a family. I do keep up my hopes. Research goes on never ending and who knows what future doctors and researchers will discover?
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