Rain is moving in from the west which is odd for a summer's night this early in the morning. My thoughts turn to Ferret in his tent by the river and Clara under her tarp behind the shopping center. Ferret will be dry, but Clara will surely get wet before finding shelter. Rain means boredom when your homeless. It upsets your usual routines. I can remember long stretches of rainy days when I was homeless. Even the most simple task of using the bathroom becomes an ordeal. Many books were read and lots of journal entries were written on those days. I would curl up in my sleeping bag and just lay there thinking for hours as the rain pattered endlessly upon the fabric of my tent. I would long for bright, sunny days and cloudless skies.
Rosa is feeling much better this morning. She just whisked by to use the bathroom and poked her head into this room.
"You haven't been to sleep all night," she said.
"Can't sleep," I replied. "I will sleep at dawn for a few hours."
I listen intently as she washes her face and flushes the toilet. Maggie sits outside the bathroom door waiting on her. She is soon back in the bed after taking her morning dose of cold medicine.
Mom still comes and sits with me for an hour everyday. She gets lonely. Maggie goes bananas when she realizes mom has pulled into my driveway putting on a glorious canine show of affection.
"I wish I wouldn't lay in the bed all the time," my mother told me yesterday.
"I wish I could," I replied. "It would pass the time and my days grow so long."
"Do you dread things?" mom asked.
"Everything," I replied. "Just taking a shower is tedious."
"You inherited that from me," she said. "Don't tell your father, but I even dread changing clothes. I wear the same clothes for a week and no one ever notices."
Mom wanted a soda so I drove us down to Fat Albert's. I also bought Rosa some scratch off lottery tickets as well which thrilled her. She loves to play the lottery.
I thought the rest of the day how tedious life can be when you have a mental illness. What normal people take for granted can be a great insurmountable odd to overcome for us. Taking a shower. Brushing your teeth. Preparing a meal. All these things can seem so hard and life stopping. It almost becomes hard just to live. I have joked with my father before about my mother and I needing a "life coach." Someone to guide us through life and to help us make the correct decisions during our days.
10 comments:
This is so true, Andrew, and difficult for other people to understand unless they have experienced it - how hard it can be to accomplish basic things that appear so simple to others. They say "force yourself". Ahh, if only it were that easy. My heart goes out to your Mom, I wish she had a good friend like you have your Rosa, but I am thankful that she has you - someone who understands.
your mom sounds so lonesome..I'm glad that she has you to help pass the time.
I'm always dreading that stuff and there are no excuses why..it's a constant go go go attitude that wears on me quite a bit, lately.
Have a great day, rest up and enjoy the rain. Too bad Rosa's still under the weather.. :)
Always,
Crusty~
My husband has sleep disorder problems himself so I do understand and sympathize. While he does take anti-depressants which help greatly it is not hard for him to get off-track. Of course, if he would exercise it would help.
But anyway I know it is a constant battle...
I totally understand all of this. I'm constantly having to force myself to do the smallest tasks. My medication does help but sometimes I'm frustrated at always having to take it. I'm diagnosed as Bi-polar, massively depressed, borderline personality, with a chemical dependence. I've spent time in the psych ward as well as a residential treatment center for drugs and alcohol. I know how hard life is, especially when you have no motivation.
I take meds for all sorts of things. Sometimes I forget them. Sometime I think I do it on purpose, but I try not to rationalize that. Most days I don't feel like doing anything, but I've remedied that by making commitments to people and being very active in the AA/NA/CA program and helping people and taking them to meetings.
I also go to the gym and give myself no excuse not to go.
I'm not sure what else. I just felt like I had to put my 2 cents in.
-Katie
Andrew, thank you for sharing. A voice knows not its direction nor who needs to hear it. You are responsible for using your voice. I appreciate you for that. Thank you, friend. Zz
Good morning. I've been this way about sleeping for a while, I'll stay up most of the night trying to think of someone who might talk me into dreaming, but I no longer have many friends. Not real friends anyway. I paint to pass the time, it takes my mind off of what time it is and all the hours in the day I have to fill.
I also know what you mean about the simplest things seeming monumental because I am bipolar, don't take any medicine, and I can't get out of bed sometimes. When I was in highschool it was hard, I had to make a game of it; I had to convince myself to do things by coming up with all the reasons why it would be good for me. Now, I seem to muddle through allright most of the time, but I know I should get back on medication.
(formerly AngelicScripts)
wow just came across your blog by hitting the next blog button and i've gone back and read some of y our previous posts too....you are a very compelling writer. I'll definitely be back
My Mother suffered from mental illness and reading your blog makes me understand her better... thank you for your honesty. You are an amazing writer.
Your writing is excellent. I was instantly pulled into a world I had only heard about.
I love rainy days but never had to spend one in a tent. I'm very thankful I escaped the mental problems that has plagued our family. You might get a grin out of my take on life. My blog and e-mail are shown in my profile.
For those of you struggling with illness, mental and physical, you might want to check out this website.
www.beinhealth.com
It can change your life.
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