Most of the morning was spent down at the shopping center. Lazy. Yawning. Smoking. Watching people come to and fro. I noticed Clara busily panhandling. People would escape the grocery store only to get caught in her web. I never could panhandle. My social anxieties would prevent me. It was too much like being a door to door salesperson except your customers come to you.
"Doesn't that embarrass you?" I asked her during a lull.
"I gotta do what I gotta do to eat," she said.
You gotta do what you gotta do to drink, I thought flippantly. I would watch her garner about five dollars and go in and buy a bottle of Boone's Farm wine. The cheap stuff. $2 dollars a bottle.
Clara finally tired of panhandling when she had generated enough money. She came and sat beside me -- her wine hidden in a brown paper bag within her backpack as she would take drinks.
"Is that chick that is always with you your wife?" she asked.
"We look like we are married, don't we?" I said with a laugh. Flattered that someone would think such a thing.
"She's protective of you."
"Where not married," I replied. "But it feels like it some days."
"George says she was once homeless in Atlanta."
"Yep," I replied. "I would rather you talk to her about it though. She can tell you some interesting stories."
A quiet moment overcame us as Clara sat drinking that swill. She looked deep in thought. Her hair amiss like some wild child. I could see a thousand tales in her weathered face. I wondered what had happened in life to bring her to live like this.
"You're creepy like some child molester," Clara finally said brusquely as she got up to take another bench up by the grocery store. "You're too friendly." It caught me by surprise the way she turned on me. I realize that such a thing is normal for dealing with a homeless lady who spends her days panhandling and drunk. I wanted to tell her that she wasn't exactly out of the pages of Good Housekeeping either. Some friendships are just never meant to be. I left the shopping center with lunch and Clara on my mind as I walked to Rosa's house to get my car. Gotta do what you gotta do to survive, I thought of living on the streets. It would take more than casual conversation and the occasional breakfast to win over my new homeless friend.
21 comments:
Well, as you know you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I guess for her this isn't rock-bottom yet. While you can inspire her with your recovery story, it doesn't mean she'll "buy it" yet.
I am guessing you're in a small Southern town where there is no homeless shelters or programs at all. Even though you're not religious, could you perhaps talk with a progressive church leader about starting some shelter or soup kitchen - especially in winter? We have a shelter program in our town in the winter where churches and a temple rotate every week.
Just a thought...
Oh my geesh Andrew, I can't believe Clara was so rude to you. When I read what she said to you I wanted to jump in my car, drive to wherever you are (LOL) and rip her a new one. That was the rudest thing ever. But like you said "I realize that such a thing is normal for dealing with a homeless lady who spends her days panhandling and drunk".
I agree with stacy. Clara really was quite rude in her manner. No need to go and turn on someone she should be grateful for. I guess with someone like her, you can't expect much more.
Clara speaks abruptly and with very little cooth, but you are making an impact on her, and you will see more progress over time. She is probably dealing with a mental illness and substance abuse which doesnt allow for any realistic conversation, but you know that as well. I am constantly in awe of your willingness to break down her walls.
Kudo's again to you, and your tenacity to make a difference.
Clara is skeptical about why you want her friendship, it might be making her uncomfortable to have someone be interested in her well being and want to help her.
Certainly not how she is used to being treated. She just does not know what to make of you.
I know you didn't deserve that comment from her, but can you see it from her perspective?
She has her walls up and for the life she is living, she sort of needs to.
I agree with impromptublogger on the shelter programs. Could u or ur dad talk with churhes or charities in ur town to rally up support in setting up a shelter program there?
It seems like a great idea. What do you think Andrew? Is it possible?
oh my. i would be crushed, but you seem to have a pretty good handle on why she reacts the way she does. it is so good of you to not take it personally and pursue the friendship anyway.
Sounds to me like she's testing the waters.. seeing if she can pull the real you out of what she believes is a mask. She never will, because she's already met the real you. And though that child molester comment would have totally ticked me off, you're right, consider the source I supposed. I bet she's met some really cruel people in her short life. :-( My prayers are with her.
Do you think you are being called to be her friend? Would you have wanted someone like who you are now as a friend back when it was bad? If so, keep on trying. You would be good, not buying the garbage.
You are a collector.
I agree that Clara was very rude, and I would have been hurt if she'd said such a thing to me. But I also imagine she's not used to kindness from anyone, so naturally she'd be suspicious and liable to act spiky to protect herself. I agree with c r morris that she's probably testing you out. Hopefully in time she'll realise that you are someone she can trust. Your kindness in trying to help her is inspiring.
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hi andrew...just wondering how you are and wanted to say hi. i have thought of you lots in the last few days when it sounds good to me to just take off and kind of hide away for awhile. i guess it is a good thing that i do not have the money to hop on a bus to go to who knows where...........
You said your peace, and you'll probly do it again and likely try even again to help. Spend your time with someone who wants your help and move on. You cant save the whole world, but maybe you can save one. Sounds to me like she is perfectly happy doing what she is doing.
You are insightful, powerfull, and touch, move and inspire with your words. Thanks for sharing!
Neil
Some people just aren't open to making new friends. If I were in your situation, (I would have been too shy to approach and speak to Clara to begin with, but) I'd give her some space. That's just my 2c. I agree with anonymous' point above. Your behavior could be challenging her worldview to some extent.
Super stuff... stumbled on your blog quite by accident; by hitting on 'Next blog' :)... fabulous writing! .. count me in as one of your regular readers this day forward.
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plse comment answer on my blog, thank you
ditto to what bonda said.
love your prowessness in writing.
glad i 'bump' into your blog.
I had to chuckle at Clara's departure, only one like you who has walked this path understands the reasons behind her skepticism, and I'm betting you'll keep trying until you win her over! :-)
she's probably just a bit steamed that you wouldn't open up to her about Rosa..I liked your answer by the way.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's not a bit jealous, you having "rescued Rosa" as she most likely thinks..and yearns for her own prince. I wouldn't be surprised if within another month, she'll be flirting with you..and then, the Celtic Beauty arrives out of no where..shit like that always happens..
Here's to a good day!!
Always,
Crusty~
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