Pinnacles of Perfection and Imperfection

I can grow so jealous of my father.  He seems the pinnacle of perfection.  He's wealthy.  He's fiercely independent.  He's mentally competent.  He has a nice home and plenty of cars.  He has a successful business.  He is an accomplished diplomat and community figure.  He has two children that are doctors of internal medicine. He has a vivid and outgoing social life.   He takes care of all my mother's needs. He makes it all look so easy.  I am jealous of that and the aplomb with which he seems to live his life.

Fundamentally, something was always amiss with me.  I could never think of the future or of consequences.  I was aloof in social situations.  I bumbled through life like a bull in a china shop.  I could never think of a job as a way to support myself.  I always worked because it was socially acceptable.  It was expected of me.  I could never see it as an end to a means.   My family didn't help by always bailing me out of adverse situations.  I never learned how to handle life on it's own merits.  This has left me an adult child.  It is left me unsure of how to live or why -- the most fundamental of life's reasons.   

Now, the little things are escaping me.  For example, I awoke at 8:00 AM.  The first thing I did was drink a diet coke and smoke a cigarillo.  I didn't think of bathing or eating.  I have yet to eat and just don't feel hungry.   My mind feels busy with all these thoughts I want to write and blog about.  I have written over five blog posts this morning and didn't publish them.  I feel like a man obsessed.   I reached out this morning, though, sending numerous emails to Easter Seals.  "Help me!" I pleaded.  Someone please help me.  I feel out of control and like I am losing my mind.  I need some structure to my days and a reason for living.  There has to be something more than a blog and the Internet.