Shoulders sagging. Head held low. That is how I felt and looked this afternoon. I call it the schlumpfs. When I get like this, writing brings me out of it along with drinking lots of soda and smoking those little cherry hinted cigarillos. I've been thinking tonight of something positive to do tomorrow -- just trying to think of positives period. I've got to get out of this house and out of these funks. I'm going stir crazy. Social anxiety gets progressively worse the more you are mired in it.
Tomorrow, I will drive the short drive down to the local county library and offer my volunteer services. You all think of me during this and encourage me. I am more likely to do it by writing about it publicly on this blog. It is not easy due to my social anxieties to do this. It is far safer to stay at home and spin my wheels. I've got to get some structure in my life, though -- a reason to shower everyday and to live on a more normal schedule. I know it will get old after awhile and I will probably grow tired of it. I just hope I have the foresight to realize this and work through it. I've got to nurture some kind of self discipline I have lacked throughout my entire adult life. Wish me well and I will see you on the flip side of tonight.
Little Joys for Tonight
- Maggie has brought me immeasurable joy chasing her various imagined demons and n'er do wells that go bump in the night on this warm December evening.
- I will get my Benadryl at 9:30 P.M. EST tonight. I will feel so relaxed and will sleep like a baby.
- My friend, Mosaic Mind, gets it and understands me more than anybody I have found online journaling. I just wished she lived closer. Our relationship has been a volley of emails and blog posts shared with each other. All dear to me.
- My family for buying me this home and my car. I sometimes get down about how controlling they are, but they really want only what is best for me. It would be easier for them to walk away and forget about me. My life would also be far more complicated and convoluted materially without them.
18 comments:
Good luck at the library! I will be sending prayers your way. I'm glad you found some joys to reflect on. They are wonderful and add meaning to your life.
Sounds like you're on top of the world. I am soooo happy for you! I am sending energy your way to make a great place in the library! Libraries are so cool. I also wish you well with the new friend. (Give her your number, silly) And Maggie always makes me laugh with her smile. (Ask Fred on that one)
sharyna
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you, Andrew.
Hugs...
C.A.
I love the library, I hope you can find a volunteer position there. Good luck and sweet dreams.
I know it isn’t easy to work up the courage and motivation to volunteer- but I’m sure you’ll be just fine! I wish you the best of luck.
You are in my thoughts.
Take care, friend.
I don't know why this post made me so weepy, but it has found me with tears finding the creases of my cheeks..thank you for thinking of all the beauty you have.
GOOD LUCK AT THE LIBRARY!!
Always,
Crusty~
Good luck with the library! I love the lj list too. I should try to make one for myself too.
U know sth weird today, I had been going through some really negative thoughts myself, thinking wht will happen to me, why does the future seem so dark, etc. I really felt lousy and hopeless, and then I read ur posts just now.
U made me realize today, sometimes we all go through this thoughts and we must not let those thoughts get the better part of us, however hard the situations may seem to our initial perspectives.
I am glad u shared, because it kinda helped me out today.
Good luck tomorrow again.
I hope you're feeling better tonight. I hope it's of some comfort to you to know that I have my moments too, of anxiety and I feel worthless. You're not alone. Sometimes, with me as with you, nothing helps. It's a huge effort to get out of the bed and walk to the coffee pot.
I know though, as sure as I'm sitting here, that you will pull out of it and feel better. Maybe not in an instant, but you will. You do have many blessings, but even those, I understand, aren't a cure all.
It just takes some time. Just know that I think of you often, more than you know, and send good thoughts and prayers your way.
Sweet dreams.
just about an hour or so left for you dear buddy!!
oh, and you're on 20!! YEA!! Another LJ!!
Always,
Crusty~
I'm reading backwards tonight...newest to oldest. I hope the library needs an aide. I can just see you surrounded by all those books, musing over the titles, saying hello to the patrons. I really hope it works out for you. Despite your social anxieties, you thrive when you're around others. Too much time spent alone is so lonely. I really want you to be happy.
You would do well at the library. It is really a cool place and the entertainment is FREE! You are soooo blessed to have a family that cares about you and sees to it you have a place to live and transportation. You are right, they only want the best for you.
Tee
sounds like some great ideas friend
sounds like some great ideas friend
great site, i'll be back
We all need to feel wanted. And to know we have a purpose. I have great hope for the library... they would be lucky to have you.
I think you have some great ideas. You can do it. I am in your corner.
I like your Little Joys list. I had a dear friend who used to make lists like that also. I liked reading them.
-Michelle
see? i'm really glad that things got better for you. they may not stay that way--- but they will get that way again. it's a roller coaster ride out there--and not always a fun one. but we do manage. right?
i hope today is way better for you.
take care my brotha
are one of the crazy people who studied everything?
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