I walked down to the piggly wiggly this morning for some buttermilk. It was a casual walk while I listened to my radio. I walked up the steps past the flea market and Fred’s and there he sat.
“Oh shit!” I thought to myself. I did not want to go through this today.
It was George. My humble, not so shy, panhandler piggly wiggly groupie who thinks I am a long lost friend.
George cried out, “Hey, hey, man, come over here for a second.”
I sheepishly walked over and we started to talk. I was trying to find a way out of this conversation.
“Me and you are brothas, right?” he asked.
“Well, George…..” I started to reply as he cut me off.
“I got something for you.” he replied and then reached in his pocket. Out came a ziplock bag tied with a twist tie that pulled it into a ball. Inside were several off white rocks. I knew exactly what it was; it was crack cocaine.
“George, I do not do dope!” I replied.
“Come on man, I will give you a good deal. I am helping a brotha out.” George said.
I was broke and didn’t have any money and the last thing I wanted to buy was crack. I had to dig up some change to get my buttermilk and some loaf bread. My wife still has my SSI check and hasn’t brought it. I am dirt poor at the moment.
“George, you son of bitch, I don’t do dope and I would appreciate it if you left me alone. I am tired of this shit and I am tired of you bothering me.” I exclaimed.
George laughed nervously and then asked me to keep this between us.
“Don’t call the police man!” he said.
“I won’t call the police but leave me the fuck alone! I am tired of this shit.” I said with a raised voice.
Maybe George will get the message and leave me alone. I am so tired of being bothered every time I go to the store. If that bastard bothers me one more time I will call the police and see how he likes it behind bars.
Friday, June 04, 2004
The encounter…..
My ex-wife brought my check tonight. She brought our boston terrier Otis along. It was so great to see him. I had tears on my cheeks I was so happy that she brought him. I miss him so much and I miss her too. He ran around my apartment and sniffed and snorted every corner. He jumped up in my lap and licked me continuously on the face while I cried out in distress.
My ex-wife finally had to head home. We held each other a long time. I stood there with my face in her hair. It smelled wonderful. That feeling of her soft body in my arms made me melt. I wanted so much for her to be with me. I get so lonely sometimes.
“You know I still love you.” She said.
“I love you too hon. I am sorry for what has happened. I will always see about you.” I replied.
“I am sorry things didn’t work out.” She said.
I didn’t know what to say and just stood there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her for eternity. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“Have you slept with Alaine?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t” I replied, “I just don’t feel right about it.”
After she left, I sat in my lazy boy and sobbed. Life is just not fair. I want to share my life with someone and be a good husband. I want to be a man and take care of her and handle all the responsibilities that come my way.
I often get angry at her and her selfishness. Love can be so hard and blind. I know I cannot live with her but I want her all the same. I want to sleep back in my bed I slept in for years. I want to have supper cooked when she gets home from work. I want to sit in front of the computer with our cat in my lap like old times. I want so many things but they are just a pipe dream. I know I cannot undo the past and she left me homeless and didn’t see about her husband when he was very ill. I know I cannot rely on her.
I wish…….but it is just a wish.
My ex-wife finally had to head home. We held each other a long time. I stood there with my face in her hair. It smelled wonderful. That feeling of her soft body in my arms made me melt. I wanted so much for her to be with me. I get so lonely sometimes.
“You know I still love you.” She said.
“I love you too hon. I am sorry for what has happened. I will always see about you.” I replied.
“I am sorry things didn’t work out.” She said.
I didn’t know what to say and just stood there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her for eternity. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“Have you slept with Alaine?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t” I replied, “I just don’t feel right about it.”
After she left, I sat in my lazy boy and sobbed. Life is just not fair. I want to share my life with someone and be a good husband. I want to be a man and take care of her and handle all the responsibilities that come my way.
I often get angry at her and her selfishness. Love can be so hard and blind. I know I cannot live with her but I want her all the same. I want to sleep back in my bed I slept in for years. I want to have supper cooked when she gets home from work. I want to sit in front of the computer with our cat in my lap like old times. I want so many things but they are just a pipe dream. I know I cannot undo the past and she left me homeless and didn’t see about her husband when he was very ill. I know I cannot rely on her.
I wish…….but it is just a wish.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
The camping disaster…….
It’s 2:00 AM. I am home now. I just had an interesting night and now I can’t sleep. I haven’t been up this late in I don’t know when but I am tonight. My story I wrote yesterday got me in a fishing mood. I wanted to go camp out last night and do some fishing in the evening. I packed up all my stuff in my kelty backpack and headed out early yesterday afternoon to go camping down by the Chattahoochee River. I have never camped down on the river but have fished many times.
There is a huge stretch of woods between the river and the railroad tracks. It has lots of trails interspersed through it as lots of people fish here so I tried to find an out of the way spot to camp. I found a clearing with no rocks and limbs and set out my tent. It was about a hundred yards or so from the river.
I spent several hours fishing. I caught about three hand sized bream and then cleaned them with my camping knife. I coated them in some cornmeal and fried them on a fire in my little camping frying pan that comes in my mess kit with some canola oil. My arm was tired from holding that pan over the fire. I then ate supper and cleaned up by washing my pan in a nearby creek that runs into the river.
About 7:00 PM a good thunderstorm came up so I laid in my tent on my sleeping bag reading a book and listening to the weather band on my radio. Before long I had drifted asleep to the sound of the rain and thunder.
I was awoken suddenly to the sound of noise and I could see flash lights beaming through the woods and hitting the walls of my tent. My heart raced and I looked at my watch. 12:00 midnight. Who in the hell is out in these woods this time of night I thought to myself.
I heard several persons getting closer and closer. Finally a man walked up to the side of my tent and cried out, “Police! Come out slowly and let me see your hands!”
I slowly unzipped my door and holding my hands out I slowly stepped out of the tent. I was scared shitless by this time. The police officer was standing there with a gun drawn pointed at me.
“Let me see some ID sir!” he asked.
“It’s in my back pack officer.” I replied with a tone of respect.
“Well, go grab it for me but don’t try anything stupid. I am not in the mood tonight for bullshit.” He said.
By this time several other officers had shown up and they were all standing around my tent in a circle. I was now thinking I was in some deep trouble but for what I do not know. I pulled out my ID and showed it to the officer and he ran my license over the radio. It came back clean and he laughed. Another officer searched through my tent and stuff. I asked him what was going on.
Apparently, someone had shoplifted at the local Spectrum convenience store and fled into these woods to escape the police. The police advised me that this was not a safe place to camp and to head home. Not wanting anymore trouble, I packed up all my stuff and walked the 30 minutes back home. So much for that camping trip.
There is a huge stretch of woods between the river and the railroad tracks. It has lots of trails interspersed through it as lots of people fish here so I tried to find an out of the way spot to camp. I found a clearing with no rocks and limbs and set out my tent. It was about a hundred yards or so from the river.
I spent several hours fishing. I caught about three hand sized bream and then cleaned them with my camping knife. I coated them in some cornmeal and fried them on a fire in my little camping frying pan that comes in my mess kit with some canola oil. My arm was tired from holding that pan over the fire. I then ate supper and cleaned up by washing my pan in a nearby creek that runs into the river.
About 7:00 PM a good thunderstorm came up so I laid in my tent on my sleeping bag reading a book and listening to the weather band on my radio. Before long I had drifted asleep to the sound of the rain and thunder.
I was awoken suddenly to the sound of noise and I could see flash lights beaming through the woods and hitting the walls of my tent. My heart raced and I looked at my watch. 12:00 midnight. Who in the hell is out in these woods this time of night I thought to myself.
I heard several persons getting closer and closer. Finally a man walked up to the side of my tent and cried out, “Police! Come out slowly and let me see your hands!”
I slowly unzipped my door and holding my hands out I slowly stepped out of the tent. I was scared shitless by this time. The police officer was standing there with a gun drawn pointed at me.
“Let me see some ID sir!” he asked.
“It’s in my back pack officer.” I replied with a tone of respect.
“Well, go grab it for me but don’t try anything stupid. I am not in the mood tonight for bullshit.” He said.
By this time several other officers had shown up and they were all standing around my tent in a circle. I was now thinking I was in some deep trouble but for what I do not know. I pulled out my ID and showed it to the officer and he ran my license over the radio. It came back clean and he laughed. Another officer searched through my tent and stuff. I asked him what was going on.
Apparently, someone had shoplifted at the local Spectrum convenience store and fled into these woods to escape the police. The police advised me that this was not a safe place to camp and to head home. Not wanting anymore trouble, I packed up all my stuff and walked the 30 minutes back home. So much for that camping trip.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Big Fish…..
I often like to write stories of my childhood when I would spend time in Waverly Alabama with my grandmother on her farm. These were great times for me and I often think back on them. I had a sense of community then and felt I belonged. No matter what I looked like or what was wrong with me my grandmother loved me and accepted me. I was the apple of her eye and the chosen one as far as the grandchildren went.
I would often spend many a lazy, hot summer afternoon fishing down at our pond. Mostly I would just fish for bream and catfish. There were bass in the pond but I never did like fishing with lures and never thought I would catch a big one.
I would spend the morning gathering what I would need. My grandmother would pack me some snacks in a paper bag like cheese and crackers or leftover sausage and biscuits. She would also throw in a banana or apple or two. I would dig in the worm bed that she kept and would fill up an old coffee can with as many wigglers as I could find. After gathering what I needed, I would grab my stuff and head out for the long walk down highway 280 to the dirt road that led to the pond.
Upon reaching the pond, I sat for a long time. Nothing was biting and I feared it was the heat of the day keeping the fish sluggish and in deep water. I could see around the perimeter of the pond that bass were actively picking off insects from the surface of the water now and then. I decided to real in my line and set my floater shallow. I put on a fresh wiggly worm and cast out my line.
Suddenly, whoosh, the cork disappeared under the surface and I felt a huge tug on my line. My heart raced and my palms grew sweaty as I struggled to reel it in. After many minutes fighting, I saw it. “Holy Shit!” I cried aloud. It was a huge bass. My fishing rod strained against the weight and I stumbled down the bank into the water up to my knees. By then, the bass was tuckered out and I slowly reached down with my hand and slipped two fingers into its mouth and pulled it out gingerly. I had it!
I grabbed up all my stuff and put the fish on the stringer and ran as fast as I could back to my grandmother’s house. I couldn’t wait to show it off. I ran into the house hollering, “Meemaw! Meemaw!” My grandmother and her two sisters came running from the front room from their quilting session thinking something bad had happened. I proudly held up a good 2 pound bass and they were relieved and proud for me. I wrapped it up in aluminum foil and put it in the freezer for safe keeping. It was a trophy to keep and not eat even though they suggested having a fish fry for supper. “No way!” I said. This one was for me.
Years later, we had to move my grandmother into town due to her Alzheimer’s becoming more advanced. She could no longer live alone. As we were cleaning out her drop in freezer in preparation to put it on the U-haul, we found a big fish wrapped in aluminum foil in the bottom of that big drop in freezer. I was a grown man then and seeing that brought back a flood of good memories. She had kept my trophy for all those years and never threw it away. I felt like that proud, little kid again as I stood there holding that frozen fish; the big fish of my childhood.
I would often spend many a lazy, hot summer afternoon fishing down at our pond. Mostly I would just fish for bream and catfish. There were bass in the pond but I never did like fishing with lures and never thought I would catch a big one.
I would spend the morning gathering what I would need. My grandmother would pack me some snacks in a paper bag like cheese and crackers or leftover sausage and biscuits. She would also throw in a banana or apple or two. I would dig in the worm bed that she kept and would fill up an old coffee can with as many wigglers as I could find. After gathering what I needed, I would grab my stuff and head out for the long walk down highway 280 to the dirt road that led to the pond.
Upon reaching the pond, I sat for a long time. Nothing was biting and I feared it was the heat of the day keeping the fish sluggish and in deep water. I could see around the perimeter of the pond that bass were actively picking off insects from the surface of the water now and then. I decided to real in my line and set my floater shallow. I put on a fresh wiggly worm and cast out my line.
Suddenly, whoosh, the cork disappeared under the surface and I felt a huge tug on my line. My heart raced and my palms grew sweaty as I struggled to reel it in. After many minutes fighting, I saw it. “Holy Shit!” I cried aloud. It was a huge bass. My fishing rod strained against the weight and I stumbled down the bank into the water up to my knees. By then, the bass was tuckered out and I slowly reached down with my hand and slipped two fingers into its mouth and pulled it out gingerly. I had it!
I grabbed up all my stuff and put the fish on the stringer and ran as fast as I could back to my grandmother’s house. I couldn’t wait to show it off. I ran into the house hollering, “Meemaw! Meemaw!” My grandmother and her two sisters came running from the front room from their quilting session thinking something bad had happened. I proudly held up a good 2 pound bass and they were relieved and proud for me. I wrapped it up in aluminum foil and put it in the freezer for safe keeping. It was a trophy to keep and not eat even though they suggested having a fish fry for supper. “No way!” I said. This one was for me.
Years later, we had to move my grandmother into town due to her Alzheimer’s becoming more advanced. She could no longer live alone. As we were cleaning out her drop in freezer in preparation to put it on the U-haul, we found a big fish wrapped in aluminum foil in the bottom of that big drop in freezer. I was a grown man then and seeing that brought back a flood of good memories. She had kept my trophy for all those years and never threw it away. I felt like that proud, little kid again as I stood there holding that frozen fish; the big fish of my childhood.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Poor, poor, pitiful me…….
I am stuck. It is raining. I want to go on my walk but I am being a pussy and don’t want to get wet. It is a light rain but a chilly and uncomfortable seventy one degrees. Hopefully the clouds will break this afternoon and the sun will flood the land and I can get back into my routine.
I spent a long time this morning writing down my past from my early days to college. It helped me to put my feelings and memories down in writing. College was a dark, dark time for me and something that I try to forget but I managed to write it down.
It was during that time that my illness first got to going strong and no one could figure out what was wrong. We tried countless doctors and therapists but nothing helped until I was a grown man and found Dr. Rheddi and she prescribed zyprexa and then Risperdal. It’s a shame I spent all those years in turmoil for nothing when I could have been taking a medicine that has changed my life for the better. Thus goes life though. That’s just the way the ball bounces sometimes.
I worked out in the yard for a long time yesterday afternoon. I pulled weeds and vines out of the azaleas as I listened to sports talk on my radio and then I trimmed them up and got them looking better. I got that mess looking a little more orderly. I am going to do a little bit everyday until I get this yard in tip top shape. Just my way of saying thanks to my father for all he has done lately for me.
I asked him yesterday what are the chances of me getting that house and he was very optimistic. He said he would rather me be putting my money into the equity of a house instead of throwing it away via rent. He wanted me to have a home in case something happened to him. He has got the lawyer working on getting power of attorney over me so he can handle these matters. That scares me but I have grown to trust him lately and realize he wants what is best for me. I gave in and said I would sign the papers when the time came.
He said it would most likely be towards the end of summer before things were finalized and I could move in. I am so excited about this. My own home that is mine with my name on the deed that I can work on and make grow. A nice yard that I can landscape and mold into something that will be a joy for me (I love yard work). Plenty of back yard for a large garden next year where I can grow and can till my hearts content.
Well, I will close and get back to other things. Have a great day and I hope your holiday is not washed out like mine.
I spent a long time this morning writing down my past from my early days to college. It helped me to put my feelings and memories down in writing. College was a dark, dark time for me and something that I try to forget but I managed to write it down.
It was during that time that my illness first got to going strong and no one could figure out what was wrong. We tried countless doctors and therapists but nothing helped until I was a grown man and found Dr. Rheddi and she prescribed zyprexa and then Risperdal. It’s a shame I spent all those years in turmoil for nothing when I could have been taking a medicine that has changed my life for the better. Thus goes life though. That’s just the way the ball bounces sometimes.
I worked out in the yard for a long time yesterday afternoon. I pulled weeds and vines out of the azaleas as I listened to sports talk on my radio and then I trimmed them up and got them looking better. I got that mess looking a little more orderly. I am going to do a little bit everyday until I get this yard in tip top shape. Just my way of saying thanks to my father for all he has done lately for me.
I asked him yesterday what are the chances of me getting that house and he was very optimistic. He said he would rather me be putting my money into the equity of a house instead of throwing it away via rent. He wanted me to have a home in case something happened to him. He has got the lawyer working on getting power of attorney over me so he can handle these matters. That scares me but I have grown to trust him lately and realize he wants what is best for me. I gave in and said I would sign the papers when the time came.
He said it would most likely be towards the end of summer before things were finalized and I could move in. I am so excited about this. My own home that is mine with my name on the deed that I can work on and make grow. A nice yard that I can landscape and mold into something that will be a joy for me (I love yard work). Plenty of back yard for a large garden next year where I can grow and can till my hearts content.
Well, I will close and get back to other things. Have a great day and I hope your holiday is not washed out like mine.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
A new addition to the Piggly Wiggly groupies…….
I went for my morning walk and I feel better. It was just good to get out of the house. I am soaking wet from the humidity and heat though. It is so oppressive here that past few days and it just gets more humid. We have a good chance of storms today and much better one for tomorrow.
I take a circular route in the morning that brings me by the wiggling pig on my way home. As usual, there was the regular group of fellas sitting out front talking and shooting the bull.
I have figured these guys out. They are panhandlers and do it small town southern style. They get to know you and are real polite and eventually hit you up for something. I do not know if it is because of the southern small town culture or not but they are not like panhandlers in larger cities who are much more aggressive. They take the time to find out things about you and then act as if they have known you for years. Eventually, they ask for something out of friendship such as something to eat or five bucks. It’s an interesting way to go about it.
Another guy, who I will name Stinky, has been trying to befriend me lately and I know the game now. George taught me well. I call him stinky because I do not think this guy has discovered deodorant. He reeks of underarm/body odor and it is almost overpowering. None of these guys are homeless and many have cars by the way.
Stinky saw me walking briskly by and started walking over to me.
“Hey man, hey man, hold up!” Stinky asked.
“Can’t stop, I am on a mission.” I replied.
I was tempted to walk into the grocery store and buy the man a stick of deodorant but decided that would be rude and may be taken wrongly. :^)
“Hey man, it will only take a moment.” Stinky said again.
“No thanks, I am not interested.” I replied again and kept walking.
Damn, these dudes are persistent and aggravating. I will not fall for that bullshit again though. I thought of this song as I walked down the sidewalk from the store.
You can keep on knockin, but you can’t come in.
I sang it to myself as I smiled and turned the corner. Once bitten, twice shy.
I take a circular route in the morning that brings me by the wiggling pig on my way home. As usual, there was the regular group of fellas sitting out front talking and shooting the bull.
I have figured these guys out. They are panhandlers and do it small town southern style. They get to know you and are real polite and eventually hit you up for something. I do not know if it is because of the southern small town culture or not but they are not like panhandlers in larger cities who are much more aggressive. They take the time to find out things about you and then act as if they have known you for years. Eventually, they ask for something out of friendship such as something to eat or five bucks. It’s an interesting way to go about it.
Another guy, who I will name Stinky, has been trying to befriend me lately and I know the game now. George taught me well. I call him stinky because I do not think this guy has discovered deodorant. He reeks of underarm/body odor and it is almost overpowering. None of these guys are homeless and many have cars by the way.
Stinky saw me walking briskly by and started walking over to me.
“Hey man, hey man, hold up!” Stinky asked.
“Can’t stop, I am on a mission.” I replied.
I was tempted to walk into the grocery store and buy the man a stick of deodorant but decided that would be rude and may be taken wrongly. :^)
“Hey man, it will only take a moment.” Stinky said again.
“No thanks, I am not interested.” I replied again and kept walking.
Damn, these dudes are persistent and aggravating. I will not fall for that bullshit again though. I thought of this song as I walked down the sidewalk from the store.
You can keep on knockin, but you can’t come in.
I sang it to myself as I smiled and turned the corner. Once bitten, twice shy.
Vivid Mind Pictures…….
I am having problems today. I knew something was up when I felt the newscasters on the weather channel were watching ME today instead of the other way around. I am having hallucinations. I’ve been doing so well lately and have felt as normal as I get.
The past hour or so after breakfast, I kept thinking that I saw something out of the corner of my eye. My peripheral vision was picking up movement but I am alone in my apartment. I am so used to this happened that it no longer freaks me out like it did when I was in college. Well crap, I was thinking to myself, not again.
I sometimes get the notion that I am cured after going several weeks with no negative symptoms and then my illness rears its ugly head. I do not know what has triggered today’s round but you never know. Sometimes it just happens.
I have a conundrum. I have some extra Risperdal and Zyprexa to take when this happens. I know if I take the Zyprexa I will sleep all day and all night. I hate that crap. I do not want to sleep my day away especially when it just got started. I think I will just take an extra Risperdal and increase my dose for today and see if that helps.
I am going to try and make my morning walk. Maybe I just need something to preoccupy my mind and to get out of this dark, gloomy apartment this morning. I am going to head out now.
The past hour or so after breakfast, I kept thinking that I saw something out of the corner of my eye. My peripheral vision was picking up movement but I am alone in my apartment. I am so used to this happened that it no longer freaks me out like it did when I was in college. Well crap, I was thinking to myself, not again.
I sometimes get the notion that I am cured after going several weeks with no negative symptoms and then my illness rears its ugly head. I do not know what has triggered today’s round but you never know. Sometimes it just happens.
I have a conundrum. I have some extra Risperdal and Zyprexa to take when this happens. I know if I take the Zyprexa I will sleep all day and all night. I hate that crap. I do not want to sleep my day away especially when it just got started. I think I will just take an extra Risperdal and increase my dose for today and see if that helps.
I am going to try and make my morning walk. Maybe I just need something to preoccupy my mind and to get out of this dark, gloomy apartment this morning. I am going to head out now.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Sticking with this……
I am still going to go to the meetings but will avoid that certain group. We have different groups during the week with different members. That was the tri-city group and I will just catch a ride to Lagrange Ga. to a meeting up there.
I was having a bad night last night and was not feeling well and this contributed to my rash actions as well. I am going to stick with this and try again tonight.
I just got finished with breakfast and am going to head for my morning walk. I feel so tired today and do not want to do it but I have lost 7 pounds so far and need to keep walking. My goal is to be slim and trim and in shape by the end of the summer. I have got to get my hiking legs back.
Take care and thanks for reading.
I was having a bad night last night and was not feeling well and this contributed to my rash actions as well. I am going to stick with this and try again tonight.
I just got finished with breakfast and am going to head for my morning walk. I feel so tired today and do not want to do it but I have lost 7 pounds so far and need to keep walking. My goal is to be slim and trim and in shape by the end of the summer. I have got to get my hiking legs back.
Take care and thanks for reading.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Walking out……
I walked out of the AA meeting tonight. I got angry and said his is a bunch of bullshit. The discussion was a closed group that meant the chairperson had control of the topic. They started ranting about a singular purpose. They didn’t want addicts or people with problems other than alcohol to talk or share their experiences. They wanted to keep the subject to Alcohol only.
I got fumed over this in that we are supposed to help people. To give our time to help those who have an addiction. My philosophy was that we should welcome all groups of people and let them share. Are not most addictions the same and why are their 330 groups based off of the original model of Alcoholics Anonymous? The so called 12 step program that is so daunted in addiction circles.
I mean, come on! Don’t be so arrogant. A drunk is no different from a crack addict. They both eventually destroy your life if you are addicted and the processes are the same. Drink alcohol or smoke crack. Both ruin your life if they are used in excess or for some at all.
I didn’t speak my mind but just got up and left. I should have but the majority of the group was in the singular purpose mode of mind. I said to hell with that. I will just give my money back to my mother if things get too hard. That will curb my drinking as she is like a Nazi accountant when it comes to my expenses. She keeps up with every dollar I spend with zeal. She even asks for receipts when I get some money from her to check what I spend.
I do not have to do that but if I get to drinking hardcore again I will. I will turn over some of my freedom to have a better life. I will not have it dictated to me though. I will not have a group of people who are close minded dictating my actions.
They should be willing and able to open their arms to all types of addiction. There are no cocaine anonymous or narcotics anonymous meetings in Lanett. AA is all those people have. This just made me angry but I will put down my gavel and desist.
I got fumed over this in that we are supposed to help people. To give our time to help those who have an addiction. My philosophy was that we should welcome all groups of people and let them share. Are not most addictions the same and why are their 330 groups based off of the original model of Alcoholics Anonymous? The so called 12 step program that is so daunted in addiction circles.
I mean, come on! Don’t be so arrogant. A drunk is no different from a crack addict. They both eventually destroy your life if you are addicted and the processes are the same. Drink alcohol or smoke crack. Both ruin your life if they are used in excess or for some at all.
I didn’t speak my mind but just got up and left. I should have but the majority of the group was in the singular purpose mode of mind. I said to hell with that. I will just give my money back to my mother if things get too hard. That will curb my drinking as she is like a Nazi accountant when it comes to my expenses. She keeps up with every dollar I spend with zeal. She even asks for receipts when I get some money from her to check what I spend.
I do not have to do that but if I get to drinking hardcore again I will. I will turn over some of my freedom to have a better life. I will not have it dictated to me though. I will not have a group of people who are close minded dictating my actions.
They should be willing and able to open their arms to all types of addiction. There are no cocaine anonymous or narcotics anonymous meetings in Lanett. AA is all those people have. This just made me angry but I will put down my gavel and desist.
Uneventful day…..
I have had an uneventful day. I have nothing much to write about but the status quo. I guess I have a kind of writer’s block today. I went for my morning walk after breakfast and spent much of the day reading the book
I walked down to the wiggling pig this afternoon to buy some wheat bread and bologna to make some sandwiches for lunch and toast for breakfast. Cap with tag guy actually spoke to me today instead of his usual head nod. In all these months I have never heard his voice.
He said, “Whazzup?”
I replied, “Not much man, not much, just taking a walk.”
I never fails that when I go to the Piggly wiggly I get in the most convoluted check out line. It’s either a little, old black lady who pulls her money out of her bra and takes fifteen minutes to count it out or some dude with his paycheck and they have to call the manager over to approve it. That is just my luck these days.
The little old black lady with what looks like a hundred one dollar bills in a roll was my venue for today. She took her sweet time carefully counting out those one dollar bills for a twenty something purchase. I guess I should learn some patience but darn it, I want my bologna sandwiches and I want them now! lol
I have my AA meeting tonight and will leave around 6:20 to get there before the meeting starts at 7 PM. I just grabbed a shower, put on my exercise shorts and shirt and am ready to rock and roll.
Signing off for today,
Grumpy
I walked down to the wiggling pig this afternoon to buy some wheat bread and bologna to make some sandwiches for lunch and toast for breakfast. Cap with tag guy actually spoke to me today instead of his usual head nod. In all these months I have never heard his voice.
He said, “Whazzup?”
I replied, “Not much man, not much, just taking a walk.”
I never fails that when I go to the Piggly wiggly I get in the most convoluted check out line. It’s either a little, old black lady who pulls her money out of her bra and takes fifteen minutes to count it out or some dude with his paycheck and they have to call the manager over to approve it. That is just my luck these days.
The little old black lady with what looks like a hundred one dollar bills in a roll was my venue for today. She took her sweet time carefully counting out those one dollar bills for a twenty something purchase. I guess I should learn some patience but darn it, I want my bologna sandwiches and I want them now! lol
I have my AA meeting tonight and will leave around 6:20 to get there before the meeting starts at 7 PM. I just grabbed a shower, put on my exercise shorts and shirt and am ready to rock and roll.
Signing off for today,
Grumpy
A Weather Rant…..
Man, I am tired of the Weather Channel. It has gotten too commercialized. I am now going to just walk outside for my weather! :^) For the record, I am weather obsessed. I visit the online radars everyday, several times a day looking for storms.
I can remember when I was a child our weather channel consisted of channel six which was the constant showing of the local radar screen with temperatures scrolling across the bottom. I and my father would sit there for what seemed like hours watching that little line sweep around the radar screen. We would wait in anticipation for that little green blip that might be rain on a hot, dry Alabama July day.
I can remember in the eighties when the weather channel first got going and they had UGLY meteorologists. Just average looking Joes that came on did the weather, and then you got your local forecast.
Now, the weather channel has model looking weather casters, lots and lots of commercials, catchy jingles, and *gasp* those damn storm stories shows. Every time I want to catch the weather storm stories is on. Seems to never fail for me to catch this show and not get the weather forecast I want
Well, I will quit whining. I just needed to rant this morning. LOL, yes, my life is boring.
/end of rant
I can remember when I was a child our weather channel consisted of channel six which was the constant showing of the local radar screen with temperatures scrolling across the bottom. I and my father would sit there for what seemed like hours watching that little line sweep around the radar screen. We would wait in anticipation for that little green blip that might be rain on a hot, dry Alabama July day.
I can remember in the eighties when the weather channel first got going and they had UGLY meteorologists. Just average looking Joes that came on did the weather, and then you got your local forecast.
Now, the weather channel has model looking weather casters, lots and lots of commercials, catchy jingles, and *gasp* those damn storm stories shows. Every time I want to catch the weather storm stories is on. Seems to never fail for me to catch this show and not get the weather forecast I want
Well, I will quit whining. I just needed to rant this morning. LOL, yes, my life is boring.
/end of rant
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Good Ole’ George……
Beware of silver tongued devils with empty pockets. (Or so they say)
I knew this was coming. I could see it. There was more to George than he let on. George was just a little too friendly for his own good.
As I was walking back from the AA meeting hall, I stopped by the piggly wiggly to pick up some corn meal. I wanted cornbread with my roast last night. As I stepped out of the store, in front of the Fred’s dollar store sat George’s beat up, old, dodge diplomat.
I thought to myself, the car is empty but running. Maybe I can sneak by without having to go through a long conversation. As I walked by the dollar store and then finally past, I thought I had made it. Nope, I was not so lucky. George came running out of the store hollering, “Hey man, hold up! Hold up!”
I thought to myself, “Well, shit! Here we go again.”
“Hey man, let me talk to ya fo a minute!” said George.
“What’s up? George?” I replied.
“You know mes and yous are like brothers!” replied George.
His breath reeked of alcohol and cigars. I finally broke down and said it.
“George, a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know you. You have me mixed up with someone else.”
“Nah man, mes and yous is brothas!” George exclaimed.
George went on this long tirade about knowing my ex-wife for years (we were only married for two and meet shortly before that.) He said he had talked to her and that we should get back together. He said she said it was her mother and the stress of her that broke us up. I knew my ex-wife would have not talked to George. If you knew her then you would know too.
Finally, it hit. The moment I knew that was coming. His voice get real low and quiet and he leaned forward to me.
“Brotha, can you spare a poor black man five dollars? I am out of cigars and need some more.” He asked pulling the mangled, chewed on cigar out his mouth and thrusting it forward for me to see.
“Nope, I replied. I have seven bucks to my name and that has to hold for the rest of the week.” I answered.
“Come on, man, help a brotha out!” George decreed.
“George, I knew this was coming. I don’t have the money and I need to head home.” I responded.
His demeanor changed then and turned all happy and out going again.
“Allright brotha, I will catch you later. You takes care.” Said George.
Whew, I made it through it and headed home. I am tired of that shit though. This is going to happen every damn time unless I get ugly. I hate getting ugly but I am not about to avoid going to the only store I can get my groceries at. George, be damned!
I knew this was coming. I could see it. There was more to George than he let on. George was just a little too friendly for his own good.
As I was walking back from the AA meeting hall, I stopped by the piggly wiggly to pick up some corn meal. I wanted cornbread with my roast last night. As I stepped out of the store, in front of the Fred’s dollar store sat George’s beat up, old, dodge diplomat.
I thought to myself, the car is empty but running. Maybe I can sneak by without having to go through a long conversation. As I walked by the dollar store and then finally past, I thought I had made it. Nope, I was not so lucky. George came running out of the store hollering, “Hey man, hold up! Hold up!”
I thought to myself, “Well, shit! Here we go again.”
“Hey man, let me talk to ya fo a minute!” said George.
“What’s up? George?” I replied.
“You know mes and yous are like brothers!” replied George.
His breath reeked of alcohol and cigars. I finally broke down and said it.
“George, a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know you. You have me mixed up with someone else.”
“Nah man, mes and yous is brothas!” George exclaimed.
George went on this long tirade about knowing my ex-wife for years (we were only married for two and meet shortly before that.) He said he had talked to her and that we should get back together. He said she said it was her mother and the stress of her that broke us up. I knew my ex-wife would have not talked to George. If you knew her then you would know too.
Finally, it hit. The moment I knew that was coming. His voice get real low and quiet and he leaned forward to me.
“Brotha, can you spare a poor black man five dollars? I am out of cigars and need some more.” He asked pulling the mangled, chewed on cigar out his mouth and thrusting it forward for me to see.
“Nope, I replied. I have seven bucks to my name and that has to hold for the rest of the week.” I answered.
“Come on, man, help a brotha out!” George decreed.
“George, I knew this was coming. I don’t have the money and I need to head home.” I responded.
His demeanor changed then and turned all happy and out going again.
“Allright brotha, I will catch you later. You takes care.” Said George.
Whew, I made it through it and headed home. I am tired of that shit though. This is going to happen every damn time unless I get ugly. I hate getting ugly but I am not about to avoid going to the only store I can get my groceries at. George, be damned!
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
The future home owner……
I got a chance to really look over my possible future home. I forgot my camera and was pissed. I wanted to share pictures.
It was really nice and quaint. My Dad’s best friend had put in new central heating and air, a new bathroom and was repainting the walls and stippling the ceilings. It is two bedrooms with a den, bathroom and kitchen. It is a small home but would be perfect for a single male such as me.
It has this awesome screened in porch that has an overhead fan and light. All the vistas have bamboo shades you could pull down to block a low sun. I could picture myself sitting on this porch, drinking a cold diet coke, smoking my pipe, and reading a good book.
I am very excited but trying not to get my hopes up. A special set of circumstances has to take place for me to be a new home owner. Charlie has to sell his current home at the market price he is asking and is going to sell this home to me and my father concurrently after renovations are complete. I keep my fingers crossed.
AA went okay last night. I feel awkward telling my fears and screws ups in front of a group of people. I did talk but with a shaky, broken voice and it embarrassed me. I felt I said too much when I told them I had a mental illness and now I am regretting it. Those people will now think I am crazy and will not take me seriously. Mental illness carries such a stigma with it.
For supper I am cooking a cheap $5 dollar chuck roast that I boiled for hours this morning to get it tender. Just a moment ago I added some potatoes, carrots, and onions and will fix a pan of cornbread to eat with it. I will have lots left over so my freezer is filling up with extra food. This is the frugal way to do it though. I will prepackage meal size portions and freeze them so all I have to do is thaw them out and warm them in the microwave.
I am going to head for my afternoon walk. No AA tonight as they do not have a meeting due to the common occurrence of Wednesday night church services around here. I am going to walk there and back though and stay on my routine. Good afternoon and good bye. Have a great night!
It was really nice and quaint. My Dad’s best friend had put in new central heating and air, a new bathroom and was repainting the walls and stippling the ceilings. It is two bedrooms with a den, bathroom and kitchen. It is a small home but would be perfect for a single male such as me.
It has this awesome screened in porch that has an overhead fan and light. All the vistas have bamboo shades you could pull down to block a low sun. I could picture myself sitting on this porch, drinking a cold diet coke, smoking my pipe, and reading a good book.
I am very excited but trying not to get my hopes up. A special set of circumstances has to take place for me to be a new home owner. Charlie has to sell his current home at the market price he is asking and is going to sell this home to me and my father concurrently after renovations are complete. I keep my fingers crossed.
AA went okay last night. I feel awkward telling my fears and screws ups in front of a group of people. I did talk but with a shaky, broken voice and it embarrassed me. I felt I said too much when I told them I had a mental illness and now I am regretting it. Those people will now think I am crazy and will not take me seriously. Mental illness carries such a stigma with it.
For supper I am cooking a cheap $5 dollar chuck roast that I boiled for hours this morning to get it tender. Just a moment ago I added some potatoes, carrots, and onions and will fix a pan of cornbread to eat with it. I will have lots left over so my freezer is filling up with extra food. This is the frugal way to do it though. I will prepackage meal size portions and freeze them so all I have to do is thaw them out and warm them in the microwave.
I am going to head for my afternoon walk. No AA tonight as they do not have a meeting due to the common occurrence of Wednesday night church services around here. I am going to walk there and back though and stay on my routine. Good afternoon and good bye. Have a great night!
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Abject Poverty…….
As I was walking yesterday to attend my AA meeting, I have many routes to take to get there. The one in the most direct line takes me through a very run down part of town. This path is filled with abandoned and rundown homes. Many are dilapidated, abandoned old homes with “no trespassing” signs on the front doors and with their roofs caving in. The few nice looking homes have high fences and gates with heavy padlocks on them. Their fronts are adorned with signs proclaiming things such as neighborhood watch and crime stoppers. The side walks and abandoned yards are filled with broken and discarded beer and liquor bottles.
I have rarely been through this part of town in my life. It was always the colored part of the small southern town I live in. I could see poverty everywhere I looked. Apathetic people who where sitting on their porches with 40 once beers in their hands. All these people were looking forlorn and sad. They looked bored and without direction.
It hit me really hard how very much the plight of black people in the south is still very apparent. They are still trying so hard to pull themselves up from poverty yet many still remain. These unfortunate many that have fallen through the cracks of society and have been forgotten.
I was feeling sad and lonely and sorry for myself yesterday. Seeing this made me feel lucky. I have fallen through the cracks of society once but had the good fortune to be pulled back to the other side. I have hope; something most of those people couldn’t afford. I am very rich indeed.
I will try today to be thankful for what I have. Good food, sobriety, the ability to walk free in clean and tidy neighborhoods. I have a wonderful, warm, soft bed that I can sleep in and enjoy at night. I have a roof over my head that doesn’t leak or fall down upon me bit by bit. These things make me rich beyond compare to the vast majority of downtrodden people who have walked a similar path before me. I am a lucky man. Lucky indeed.
I have rarely been through this part of town in my life. It was always the colored part of the small southern town I live in. I could see poverty everywhere I looked. Apathetic people who where sitting on their porches with 40 once beers in their hands. All these people were looking forlorn and sad. They looked bored and without direction.
It hit me really hard how very much the plight of black people in the south is still very apparent. They are still trying so hard to pull themselves up from poverty yet many still remain. These unfortunate many that have fallen through the cracks of society and have been forgotten.
I was feeling sad and lonely and sorry for myself yesterday. Seeing this made me feel lucky. I have fallen through the cracks of society once but had the good fortune to be pulled back to the other side. I have hope; something most of those people couldn’t afford. I am very rich indeed.
I will try today to be thankful for what I have. Good food, sobriety, the ability to walk free in clean and tidy neighborhoods. I have a wonderful, warm, soft bed that I can sleep in and enjoy at night. I have a roof over my head that doesn’t leak or fall down upon me bit by bit. These things make me rich beyond compare to the vast majority of downtrodden people who have walked a similar path before me. I am a lucky man. Lucky indeed.
Pieces of a puzzle…..
This is how I feel lately. It’s as if I am an incomplete puzzle and I am slowly putting in the pieces of my life. A more complete picture starts to grow. It’s like when you are a kid and you hold that puzzle box in your hand. You see what it looks like on the outside but inside the box there is this jumbled mess. I am slowly putting my pieces in order. Day by day, Piece by piece, my puzzle is starting to look like a picture. I just want my picture to be that beautiful lighthouse on that New England shore and not some obscure, abstract painting or a dollar store picture of flowers in a vase.
I had another dentist’s appointment today. I wish you all could see the before and after snapshots of my teeth. It’s amazing the progress my humble mouth has made in few short months. The total bill today? $497 bucks. Yikes!!! I will be paying for my teeth for years I do believe. Folks, take care of your teeth.
I went for a long walk this morning and listened to the radio. I was soaking wet with sweat from my fast walking when I returned home. It is very hot and humid here right now. I then fixed some lunch. I fixed enough spaghetti to feed a small army. I will eat it again for supper and then freeze the rest for a future meal. It tasted very good and I have a really easy recipe.
I have been lucky with my schizophrenia lately. No hallucinations or visions. I only see slight ghosting and it is very uncommon. No catatonia or fixating on certain subjects. I have been able to read whole books lately and my concentration has been good. I hope this has something to do with how hard I am trying to be healthy. My Risperdal Consta has made a big difference in my life.
My mother turned to me today and said, “You are a different person lately!”
“How am I different Mom? I cannot see it.” I replied.
“You are just more outgoing and friendly. You call, come over, and talk to us. You do not shut yourself up in your apartment.” She responded.
This made me feel proud and it helps to hear it from a loved one. It helps to hear that my hard work is not going unnoticed. Thanks mom, I love ya!
Well, let me run. I need to get ready for my meeting tonight. I am going to take my camera with me on my walks from now on and will share pictures. See you all later.
I had another dentist’s appointment today. I wish you all could see the before and after snapshots of my teeth. It’s amazing the progress my humble mouth has made in few short months. The total bill today? $497 bucks. Yikes!!! I will be paying for my teeth for years I do believe. Folks, take care of your teeth.
I went for a long walk this morning and listened to the radio. I was soaking wet with sweat from my fast walking when I returned home. It is very hot and humid here right now. I then fixed some lunch. I fixed enough spaghetti to feed a small army. I will eat it again for supper and then freeze the rest for a future meal. It tasted very good and I have a really easy recipe.
I have been lucky with my schizophrenia lately. No hallucinations or visions. I only see slight ghosting and it is very uncommon. No catatonia or fixating on certain subjects. I have been able to read whole books lately and my concentration has been good. I hope this has something to do with how hard I am trying to be healthy. My Risperdal Consta has made a big difference in my life.
My mother turned to me today and said, “You are a different person lately!”
“How am I different Mom? I cannot see it.” I replied.
“You are just more outgoing and friendly. You call, come over, and talk to us. You do not shut yourself up in your apartment.” She responded.
This made me feel proud and it helps to hear it from a loved one. It helps to hear that my hard work is not going unnoticed. Thanks mom, I love ya!
Well, let me run. I need to get ready for my meeting tonight. I am going to take my camera with me on my walks from now on and will share pictures. See you all later.
Walking Etiquette…..
As I was walking this morning around 6:45, I started to catch up with this elderly gentleman. I was walking on the sidewalk out spring road and was moving at a considerable pace. He was walking much slower and taking his time enjoying the cool morning.
Here where I live it is considered rude to pass someone who is walking slower than you. This applies to supermarket aisles and sidewalks alike. I debated on whether or not to pass the guy and just say good morning. Etiquette overruled so I turned down a side street and took my chance walking through the housing projects. Luckily, no one was stirring this early in the morning.
When I was a kid, it was a test of manhood to ride your bike through the housing projects. You would peddle as fast as you could go trying not to get hit by flung rocks and debris. The black kids would all run out and start doing this. They didn’t like the white kids to ride through their “hood”. I chuckled out loud to myself this morning as this walk brought back memories. Kids can be crazy sometimes and you would do crazy things to impress the other kids in the neighborhood.
I spent the rest of the morning decorating my apartment. I wanted it to look cozy and livable not like a bachelor pad as it did before. I put nick nacks on the shelves. Put out nicer placemats and two little salt and pepper shakers. I went upstairs and got a big box of my grandmother’s framed pictures of our family and put them around. I also cleaned all my computer junk off some bookshelves and put books in them. I also vacuumed and cleaned the carpets.
Well, I need to hit the shower and get ready for PT. I will post more later when I get back. I had more to say but I am out of time.
Here where I live it is considered rude to pass someone who is walking slower than you. This applies to supermarket aisles and sidewalks alike. I debated on whether or not to pass the guy and just say good morning. Etiquette overruled so I turned down a side street and took my chance walking through the housing projects. Luckily, no one was stirring this early in the morning.
When I was a kid, it was a test of manhood to ride your bike through the housing projects. You would peddle as fast as you could go trying not to get hit by flung rocks and debris. The black kids would all run out and start doing this. They didn’t like the white kids to ride through their “hood”. I chuckled out loud to myself this morning as this walk brought back memories. Kids can be crazy sometimes and you would do crazy things to impress the other kids in the neighborhood.
I spent the rest of the morning decorating my apartment. I wanted it to look cozy and livable not like a bachelor pad as it did before. I put nick nacks on the shelves. Put out nicer placemats and two little salt and pepper shakers. I went upstairs and got a big box of my grandmother’s framed pictures of our family and put them around. I also cleaned all my computer junk off some bookshelves and put books in them. I also vacuumed and cleaned the carpets.
Well, I need to hit the shower and get ready for PT. I will post more later when I get back. I had more to say but I am out of time.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Healthy Mind, Healthy Body……
This has been my mantra for awhile now. I have strong beliefs that if can get my body healthy then that will help the health of my mind. I have worked hard today. I am back on my diet. I walked for almost 12 miles. I took my vitamins and fish oil this morning. I am determined to be a healthy man. I long for this so badly.
My father chuckled and said that if I lost some weight and built up some muscle and got my life straightened out that it would be the best thing I could do to get back at my ex-wife. This would drive her crazy with jealousy. I laughed back and said, “You are probably right!” This is not my goal though. I have to do this for myself and if that is a side effect, then so be it.
I had physical therapy this morning and am still sore from it. I just almost could not take it today and almost got up and walked out. An hour long event of sheer torture. Yes, I am being dramatic but it hurts.
I didn’t get to my AA meeting. I walked the several miles there to see that they had put some masking tape over the Monday time slot on the bulletin board. No meeting tonight. I have got to get these times straight. That’s a long walk for nothing but I guess the exercise was good for me.
I feel guilty for something. My mother’s mom lives very, very near to the meeting house and I didn’t visit her. I dread going to see her. If it were my Dad’s mom, I probably would have visited and stayed for hours. I felt so guilty for doing this. I just don’t know if she would like a visit from me. I second guess myself.
Well, I will close. I am watching Colonial House on PBS and find it very interesting. I have it running in a separate window overlaying this program I type with. I will now get back into the storyline. Good night and may this posting find you well.
My father chuckled and said that if I lost some weight and built up some muscle and got my life straightened out that it would be the best thing I could do to get back at my ex-wife. This would drive her crazy with jealousy. I laughed back and said, “You are probably right!” This is not my goal though. I have to do this for myself and if that is a side effect, then so be it.
I had physical therapy this morning and am still sore from it. I just almost could not take it today and almost got up and walked out. An hour long event of sheer torture. Yes, I am being dramatic but it hurts.
I didn’t get to my AA meeting. I walked the several miles there to see that they had put some masking tape over the Monday time slot on the bulletin board. No meeting tonight. I have got to get these times straight. That’s a long walk for nothing but I guess the exercise was good for me.
I feel guilty for something. My mother’s mom lives very, very near to the meeting house and I didn’t visit her. I dread going to see her. If it were my Dad’s mom, I probably would have visited and stayed for hours. I felt so guilty for doing this. I just don’t know if she would like a visit from me. I second guess myself.
Well, I will close. I am watching Colonial House on PBS and find it very interesting. I have it running in a separate window overlaying this program I type with. I will now get back into the storyline. Good night and may this posting find you well.
Strange Dreams…….
I have a heightened dream state when I am on my medications. It is hard to describe. I bet if you could watch me as I sleep my eyes would be fluttering wildly under my eyelids. It is a very intense state of REM stage sleep. I do not do this when I am off my medications. Somehow they are affecting my brain chemistry which they are designed to do.
I had intense dreams all night long last night. I would have an intense one and wake up suddenly, go use the bathroom, drink a glass of cool aid, smoke a cigarette, and then go back to sleep and the process would start all over. I did this several times during the night last night. Every time I would go back to bed the process would start back over again.
I can wake up with the emotions from my dreams feeling intense. They seem so real and yet so unbelievable at the same time. Much of them are struggles I have to overcome.
One dream was about me being back in college and just hanging out on the quad. A male walks up and insults one of my lady friends. The lady friend was my neighbor who lived in the apartment above me when I lived in Montevallo. I stood up to confront him and he backed down. I later find that my 72 chevy chevelle that I so much loved then had then has been ravaged and beaten up. I then woke up.
Another dream was where my father was having a huge family reunion. I was lying in the bed watching TV and then hear a commotion outside. There are a large number of guests arriving. I struggle to find some clothes to wear but all my clothes are absent. Guests start pilling in and I am stuck with only my t-shirt and undies on. I struggle and struggle to find some clothes but it seems they have all but disappeared. I awake in a panic, breathing hard and am relieved that I am home in my own bed and it is still dark outside.
I will not bore you with the others but they were as intense and emotion filled as these. I just find this weird and I still feel the effects of last night as I write this.
I had intense dreams all night long last night. I would have an intense one and wake up suddenly, go use the bathroom, drink a glass of cool aid, smoke a cigarette, and then go back to sleep and the process would start all over. I did this several times during the night last night. Every time I would go back to bed the process would start back over again.
I can wake up with the emotions from my dreams feeling intense. They seem so real and yet so unbelievable at the same time. Much of them are struggles I have to overcome.
One dream was about me being back in college and just hanging out on the quad. A male walks up and insults one of my lady friends. The lady friend was my neighbor who lived in the apartment above me when I lived in Montevallo. I stood up to confront him and he backed down. I later find that my 72 chevy chevelle that I so much loved then had then has been ravaged and beaten up. I then woke up.
Another dream was where my father was having a huge family reunion. I was lying in the bed watching TV and then hear a commotion outside. There are a large number of guests arriving. I struggle to find some clothes to wear but all my clothes are absent. Guests start pilling in and I am stuck with only my t-shirt and undies on. I struggle and struggle to find some clothes but it seems they have all but disappeared. I awake in a panic, breathing hard and am relieved that I am home in my own bed and it is still dark outside.
I will not bore you with the others but they were as intense and emotion filled as these. I just find this weird and I still feel the effects of last night as I write this.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
11 games of dominoes…..
Yes we played from 3:30 to 7:30. I had a good time and didn’t want to come home. I was enjoying the company of Paige, Alaine, and Alaine’s mom. I cooking some popcorn and had some diet sodas for a break.
Alaine showed me all her cross stitch work. She literally had all the walls in the house adorned with items she has crafted. They were beautiful to see and she certainly is prolific.
I went to my AA meeting that I thought was at 8:00 pm. At least that is what it stated online. I should have asked Phillip and confirmed the times. It was at 7:00 PM and I just caught the tail end of it. I felt as if I wanted to cry as I was sitting in there. I want so very much to stay sober and improve my life. I did get to hear the guest speaker wrap up his story and then I put a dollar in the basket and we closed with the lord’s prayer.
The religious aspects of AA are the things that bother me. I guess I am agnostic at heart and sometimes the talk of higher powers and all the religious connotations can put me off but I am going to stay with this.
It is a long 30 minute walk but I made it home. I feel really empty and lonely tonight. I have hopes that maybe Alaine will call back and want to come over. I will just keep my fingers crossed. Well, I will close and say good night.
Alaine showed me all her cross stitch work. She literally had all the walls in the house adorned with items she has crafted. They were beautiful to see and she certainly is prolific.
I went to my AA meeting that I thought was at 8:00 pm. At least that is what it stated online. I should have asked Phillip and confirmed the times. It was at 7:00 PM and I just caught the tail end of it. I felt as if I wanted to cry as I was sitting in there. I want so very much to stay sober and improve my life. I did get to hear the guest speaker wrap up his story and then I put a dollar in the basket and we closed with the lord’s prayer.
The religious aspects of AA are the things that bother me. I guess I am agnostic at heart and sometimes the talk of higher powers and all the religious connotations can put me off but I am going to stay with this.
It is a long 30 minute walk but I made it home. I feel really empty and lonely tonight. I have hopes that maybe Alaine will call back and want to come over. I will just keep my fingers crossed. Well, I will close and say good night.
Staying sober…..
I have enjoyed reading James’s stories and his getting recovery from alcoholism. It is good to see the program of AA actually working for someone.
Now that I am in full control of my financial responsibilities, I have been struggling so hard with wanting to drink. I want to drink out of boredom and to make myself feel better. I know deep in my heart that it will not make me feel better but worse.
I have had a few slips lately that I have not written about. I didn’t want to show weakness and that I may be falling into my old trap of alcoholism. If I started to drink again than I would ruin everything I have worked so hard for lately. My family and friends would slowly disappear. I would loose my home and all the things I hold dear to me.
I just made a phone call with a shaky voice to and acquaintance that I knew of whom helps organize the local AA meetings. We talked for a long time and I told him what I have been going through. He urged me to come to a meeting tonight and start back in the program. I am scared to death but I agreed to go.
It is a long walk to the meeting house and takes about an hour to get there. I am going to go though and I will just listen to my radio to make the long walk easier. I do not want to fall back into the schedule of constant drinking like when I was homeless. I am going to do what it takes to keep my life on course.
Now that I am in full control of my financial responsibilities, I have been struggling so hard with wanting to drink. I want to drink out of boredom and to make myself feel better. I know deep in my heart that it will not make me feel better but worse.
I have had a few slips lately that I have not written about. I didn’t want to show weakness and that I may be falling into my old trap of alcoholism. If I started to drink again than I would ruin everything I have worked so hard for lately. My family and friends would slowly disappear. I would loose my home and all the things I hold dear to me.
I just made a phone call with a shaky voice to and acquaintance that I knew of whom helps organize the local AA meetings. We talked for a long time and I told him what I have been going through. He urged me to come to a meeting tonight and start back in the program. I am scared to death but I agreed to go.
It is a long walk to the meeting house and takes about an hour to get there. I am going to go though and I will just listen to my radio to make the long walk easier. I do not want to fall back into the schedule of constant drinking like when I was homeless. I am going to do what it takes to keep my life on course.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Being brave……
I have nothing to lose. I see that now. Alaine brought me home after playing dominoes and some computer games. I asked her to stop by spectrum for me to grab a coke and some cigars.
A man was standing outside and walked up to her car. He was asking for money. I walked out and stepped aside.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want a few bucks to buy some beer”. He replied.
“Fuck off and leave us alone.” I exclaimed. I was in no mood for bullshit.
He told me he was going to kick my ass. I said, “Go for it big man, see what you can do!”
He started to grab my shoulder and I grabbed his arm. He saw that I was stronger.
“Don’t fuck with me you son of a bitch!” I replied.
“I am in no mood to fuck with some stupid bastard.” I followed up.
He backed off and told me he was sorry. I told him it was okay but don’t give me any more trouble.
I could have kicked that dumb son of a bitches’ ass but I didn’t want to look like an asshole to Alaine. Hurt arm or not, I am a formidable opponent.
I sat back down in the car and apologized. I felt it embarrassed her. I worried about it. I just wanted to take care of her and see that she was safe.
A man was standing outside and walked up to her car. He was asking for money. I walked out and stepped aside.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want a few bucks to buy some beer”. He replied.
“Fuck off and leave us alone.” I exclaimed. I was in no mood for bullshit.
He told me he was going to kick my ass. I said, “Go for it big man, see what you can do!”
He started to grab my shoulder and I grabbed his arm. He saw that I was stronger.
“Don’t fuck with me you son of a bitch!” I replied.
“I am in no mood to fuck with some stupid bastard.” I followed up.
He backed off and told me he was sorry. I told him it was okay but don’t give me any more trouble.
I could have kicked that dumb son of a bitches’ ass but I didn’t want to look like an asshole to Alaine. Hurt arm or not, I am a formidable opponent.
I sat back down in the car and apologized. I felt it embarrassed her. I worried about it. I just wanted to take care of her and see that she was safe.
Slam, bang, BOOM!!!!!
We just had one hell of a thunderstorm. I was taking a nap and awoke to the sound of all hell breaking loose. I ran upstairs and unplugged the TV and other things then came downstairs and unplugged my two auxiliary computers (these just run seti@home). My main computer is on a nice belkins surge protector so I didn’t unplug it and crossed my fingers.
I love a good storm and the sound and smell of rain. I love to hear the patter of the rain as it falls and collects off the roof. One bad thing though, the awning that should be above my door is lying on the side of the house. It needs to be put up but I do not have the arm strength to do it. Water creeps in under the door soaking the carpet and that means when I go have a smoke when it is raining my socks get wet. Damn, I hate that. It peeves me and I worry the carpet will rot as well. I have told my father about it and he is going to get a carpenter to build an awning over the door. This would be nice for me and my wasp friends as well.
I had several calls on my answering machine. My darling ex-wife has graduated and I am proud. She has a video of it that she is going to bring it by since I could not attend in person (lack of mobility). There was also a web cast but she never emailed a link and I could not view it. I looked online and could not find it. Darn her but she is technologically limited. Bless her soul.
Alaine called twice. One call was about a trip to Wal-Mart for something and another call about getting together to play dominoes and watching tonight’s britcoms on the television. I think I will call back and go play with them. I need to get out and I feel lonely. She says Paige is there so I will bring a few CDs she may like and can install on her computer. I look forward to playing dominoes and watching “Are you being served?”, “Keeping up appearances.”, and “As time goes by” with friends. I will see you all in just a bit. Good evening and good bye.
I love a good storm and the sound and smell of rain. I love to hear the patter of the rain as it falls and collects off the roof. One bad thing though, the awning that should be above my door is lying on the side of the house. It needs to be put up but I do not have the arm strength to do it. Water creeps in under the door soaking the carpet and that means when I go have a smoke when it is raining my socks get wet. Damn, I hate that. It peeves me and I worry the carpet will rot as well. I have told my father about it and he is going to get a carpenter to build an awning over the door. This would be nice for me and my wasp friends as well.
I had several calls on my answering machine. My darling ex-wife has graduated and I am proud. She has a video of it that she is going to bring it by since I could not attend in person (lack of mobility). There was also a web cast but she never emailed a link and I could not view it. I looked online and could not find it. Darn her but she is technologically limited. Bless her soul.
Alaine called twice. One call was about a trip to Wal-Mart for something and another call about getting together to play dominoes and watching tonight’s britcoms on the television. I think I will call back and go play with them. I need to get out and I feel lonely. She says Paige is there so I will bring a few CDs she may like and can install on her computer. I look forward to playing dominoes and watching “Are you being served?”, “Keeping up appearances.”, and “As time goes by” with friends. I will see you all in just a bit. Good evening and good bye.
The Piggly Wiggly Groupies…….
I am a frequent visitor to Piggly Wiggly. It is only around two miles from my home and I like to walk down and grab a newspaper, a pint of milk, and sit on the bench and smoke my pipe and/or cigarettes as I read and people watch.
For those of you who don’t know what Piggly Wiggly is, it is a chain of grocery stores primarily located in the southern USA. It was America's first true self-service grocery store and was founded in Memphis, Tennessee in 1916.
There is always this group of black men who hang out down there every day. It never fails that if I walk down I will see this group. One fellow, a young black man, always wears his baseball cap(the cap still has the store tag dangling from it) pulled low over his eyes and dons sunglasses. He is ALWAYS leaned up against the building next to the coke machine. I think he does this all day and doesn’t work as he is always down there. I always say hello and he raises his head in acknowledgement like African American males tend to do to a “brotha” or someone they know. That is the extent of our interaction.
Another African American fellow named George has latched onto me for some reason. I think he has me confused with someone else. He is in his sixties and for some reason treats as if I was a long time friend. As if we go way back. He tells me to drop him a line and wants to know where I live. He has a car and is clean cut and always asks me if he can take me home. I always decline and say, “Nah, I live just back behind here and enjoy the walk.”
This morning, I walked down to grab a paper and chocolate milk. George was sitting in his car in front of the store talking to another young lady. George drives this very beat up late to middle eighties dodge diplomat. He called me over and we had a strange conversation. I will now try to repeat it here in the best of my ability.
“Hey man, come ova here for a sec.” George asked.
“Hey George, what’s up?” I replied as I walked over.
“I want a banana and a beer. Will grab me one on the way out?” George asked.
“Um, okay. You sure? A banana and a beer?” I asked kind of confused. That is surely a weird breakfast.
“Yo man, a banana is only 20 cents and a natural ice is less than a dollar. Do you think you can swing it for me?” George replied.
I thought what the hell. I will get the man a banana and a beer so I walked in, grabbed the local valley times news, a pint of milk, one banana, and one natural light beer and purchased it. I walked back outside and handed it to George and he proceeded to peel the banana and crack open the beer.
George went on to start this long conversation on about being a cab driver for 40 years and knowing everyone in the Valley. I tried my best to escape but every time I made my move to walk away he would say, “Hold on a sec. Don’t go just yet.”
I finally broke free and started for my walk home. No sitting on the bench in front of the store today. I would just sit on the porch at home. This whole thing just strikes me as weird. How does the guy know me and who is he confusing me with? I don’t know and the mystery still remains.
For those of you who don’t know what Piggly Wiggly is, it is a chain of grocery stores primarily located in the southern USA. It was America's first true self-service grocery store and was founded in Memphis, Tennessee in 1916.
There is always this group of black men who hang out down there every day. It never fails that if I walk down I will see this group. One fellow, a young black man, always wears his baseball cap(the cap still has the store tag dangling from it) pulled low over his eyes and dons sunglasses. He is ALWAYS leaned up against the building next to the coke machine. I think he does this all day and doesn’t work as he is always down there. I always say hello and he raises his head in acknowledgement like African American males tend to do to a “brotha” or someone they know. That is the extent of our interaction.
Another African American fellow named George has latched onto me for some reason. I think he has me confused with someone else. He is in his sixties and for some reason treats as if I was a long time friend. As if we go way back. He tells me to drop him a line and wants to know where I live. He has a car and is clean cut and always asks me if he can take me home. I always decline and say, “Nah, I live just back behind here and enjoy the walk.”
This morning, I walked down to grab a paper and chocolate milk. George was sitting in his car in front of the store talking to another young lady. George drives this very beat up late to middle eighties dodge diplomat. He called me over and we had a strange conversation. I will now try to repeat it here in the best of my ability.
“Hey man, come ova here for a sec.” George asked.
“Hey George, what’s up?” I replied as I walked over.
“I want a banana and a beer. Will grab me one on the way out?” George asked.
“Um, okay. You sure? A banana and a beer?” I asked kind of confused. That is surely a weird breakfast.
“Yo man, a banana is only 20 cents and a natural ice is less than a dollar. Do you think you can swing it for me?” George replied.
I thought what the hell. I will get the man a banana and a beer so I walked in, grabbed the local valley times news, a pint of milk, one banana, and one natural light beer and purchased it. I walked back outside and handed it to George and he proceeded to peel the banana and crack open the beer.
George went on to start this long conversation on about being a cab driver for 40 years and knowing everyone in the Valley. I tried my best to escape but every time I made my move to walk away he would say, “Hold on a sec. Don’t go just yet.”
I finally broke free and started for my walk home. No sitting on the bench in front of the store today. I would just sit on the porch at home. This whole thing just strikes me as weird. How does the guy know me and who is he confusing me with? I don’t know and the mystery still remains.
Friday, May 21, 2004
I want to go home……
I want to go back to my house. That place I lived in for years. I want to see my cat and dog. I want to go to sleep with my wife beside my side. I want to wrap up in the bed I called mine for years and just drift asleep. I want to hear her snore and snort during the night.
I am having a bad night. I have thought long and hard how to change her mind. I do not want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone special.
I will go to AA. I will start rehabilitation. I will work hard. I want my family back. I am so torn and confused tonight.
I just want someone in my life who loves me. I want to wake up on those mornings and make love. I want to cook and take care of her. I want to keep the house clean. I struggle with this so. It is not fair. I didn’t ask to be sick. I want to be normal. I wanted to be a good husband. To pay the bills and make the hard decisions with wisdom. Those decisions a husband and good man must make.
I am having a pity party tonight. I know my ex-wife can be a bitch but I love her so much. I miss her. I want her in my life.
We talk everyday but I want to make things right. I want to be a good man and take care of her. I feel so inadequate. I want to someday be wealthy and take care of all her needs. I want to buy her a nice car and pay off the mortgage. I want so much and yet I sit here without. I can only see about my basic needs such as food and healthcare.
One day, I will be rich. I am going to be this wealthy man that pays off all her debts and sees that she is seen about. Her home will be paid for. Our home. My house I miss so much. She will be a made woman. I swear by this. It is my goal.
I am having a bad night. I have thought long and hard how to change her mind. I do not want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone special.
I will go to AA. I will start rehabilitation. I will work hard. I want my family back. I am so torn and confused tonight.
I just want someone in my life who loves me. I want to wake up on those mornings and make love. I want to cook and take care of her. I want to keep the house clean. I struggle with this so. It is not fair. I didn’t ask to be sick. I want to be normal. I wanted to be a good husband. To pay the bills and make the hard decisions with wisdom. Those decisions a husband and good man must make.
I am having a pity party tonight. I know my ex-wife can be a bitch but I love her so much. I miss her. I want her in my life.
We talk everyday but I want to make things right. I want to be a good man and take care of her. I feel so inadequate. I want to someday be wealthy and take care of all her needs. I want to buy her a nice car and pay off the mortgage. I want so much and yet I sit here without. I can only see about my basic needs such as food and healthcare.
One day, I will be rich. I am going to be this wealthy man that pays off all her debts and sees that she is seen about. Her home will be paid for. Our home. My house I miss so much. She will be a made woman. I swear by this. It is my goal.
Strength training and storm stories…..
I am in the process of working harder every day with heavier pack weights in my hiking. I have a goal to get my hiking legs back and in shape. I don’t know if you have ever seen a picture of a hardcore long distance hiker but their legs look ungainly and huge especially the calf and thigh muscles. This is how I need to be to hike the ungodly elevations on the Appalachian Trail. For some reason the trail planners didn’t understand the concept of switchbacks. It is all up and downs.
I just went for a long hike out spring road and am now soaking wet. A good thunderstorm caught me by surprise. I could hear the thunder off in the distance for a good while. I started to walk faster and faster and was dripping wet from the sweat and the humidity. Soon I felt the first cold winds from the storm front and knew I was screwed. What started as a slight downpour soon turned into a deluge. The lightening popped around me and made me cringe.
I quickly took my pack off and put on the rain cover and my poncho. I took off my tennis shoes, socks and pulled out a pair of teva sandals I had in my pack. They were the only pair of tennis shoes I had and I did not want them soaking wet. It is much easier to dry out a pair of tevas.
An hour before, I was so hot and soaking from the humidity and my exertions and now I was freezing cold from being wet and the temperature had dropped at least 20 degrees. It had dropped from the nineties to the seventies in a matter of minutes.
Well, I finally made it home and am wet and smell like sweat and rain. I am soon going to head to the bathroom and take a nice, long, hot shower. Lather up the hair with shampoo and scrub all those other parts.
I love this kind of stuff. Am I odd? Most people would hate being caught in a rainstorm like that but for me it is food for the soul. I feel so real and accomplished. I feel as if I just weathered a tough moment and made it through unscarred. I love that feeling of adrenaline. Maybe I am just an extreme sports junkie.
I just went for a long hike out spring road and am now soaking wet. A good thunderstorm caught me by surprise. I could hear the thunder off in the distance for a good while. I started to walk faster and faster and was dripping wet from the sweat and the humidity. Soon I felt the first cold winds from the storm front and knew I was screwed. What started as a slight downpour soon turned into a deluge. The lightening popped around me and made me cringe.
I quickly took my pack off and put on the rain cover and my poncho. I took off my tennis shoes, socks and pulled out a pair of teva sandals I had in my pack. They were the only pair of tennis shoes I had and I did not want them soaking wet. It is much easier to dry out a pair of tevas.
An hour before, I was so hot and soaking from the humidity and my exertions and now I was freezing cold from being wet and the temperature had dropped at least 20 degrees. It had dropped from the nineties to the seventies in a matter of minutes.
Well, I finally made it home and am wet and smell like sweat and rain. I am soon going to head to the bathroom and take a nice, long, hot shower. Lather up the hair with shampoo and scrub all those other parts.
I love this kind of stuff. Am I odd? Most people would hate being caught in a rainstorm like that but for me it is food for the soul. I feel so real and accomplished. I feel as if I just weathered a tough moment and made it through unscarred. I love that feeling of adrenaline. Maybe I am just an extreme sports junkie.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
My buddy…..
My hamburgers were great last night. I fired up my little hibachi grill and cooked them until they are medium well. I love the smoky aroma and taste you get from cooking them on the grill over charcoal. There is no comparison to cooking them on the stove. I had enough to freeze for another meal so that will be easy to thaw them out and reheat them later. I also cooked some home cut French fries. What would be called steak fries in the freezer department of the grocery store. They are much better to me than the fries you get frozen and much cheaper as well.
Alaine called last night. We talked for a long time. I wanted her to come over but she had an order of chocolate chip cookies she had to bake for a customer. She soon starts to work full time in July so I will see less and less of her. She calls me her buddy and makes me feel warm and good inside. It is nice having a buddy and someone you can share your experiences with in real time. I have grown very fond of her lately and cherish the time we get to spend together.
Alaine got her job through Rehabilitation Services in Opelika Alabama. I am tempted to go sign up and see what they can do for me even though my parents are greatly opposed to me working at the moment. I need to work and want to work. I get tired of trying to find things to fill up my time during the day between appointments.
As a long time Star Trek fan, I watched Enterprise last night. I used to think it was a poorly written show and didn’t fit in the timeline of the Star Trek universe but it has gotten much better lately. I can actually sit through a whole show and watch it as before I would quickly turn off the TV. I recorded it digitally and that way I could zip through the commercials. I detest commercials and find anyway I can to control the amount of media pouring into my head. It’s just this personal thing I have.
Well, let me get some breakfast started. I am going to fix some cheese toast and some grits this morning. I was tempted to fix some home made biscuits but decided not to mess up the kitchen. Home made biscuits are a job to fix and the flour gets everywhere. It’s just nice have a pantry and refrigerator full of food. I will go partake in it now.
Alaine called last night. We talked for a long time. I wanted her to come over but she had an order of chocolate chip cookies she had to bake for a customer. She soon starts to work full time in July so I will see less and less of her. She calls me her buddy and makes me feel warm and good inside. It is nice having a buddy and someone you can share your experiences with in real time. I have grown very fond of her lately and cherish the time we get to spend together.
Alaine got her job through Rehabilitation Services in Opelika Alabama. I am tempted to go sign up and see what they can do for me even though my parents are greatly opposed to me working at the moment. I need to work and want to work. I get tired of trying to find things to fill up my time during the day between appointments.
As a long time Star Trek fan, I watched Enterprise last night. I used to think it was a poorly written show and didn’t fit in the timeline of the Star Trek universe but it has gotten much better lately. I can actually sit through a whole show and watch it as before I would quickly turn off the TV. I recorded it digitally and that way I could zip through the commercials. I detest commercials and find anyway I can to control the amount of media pouring into my head. It’s just this personal thing I have.
Well, let me get some breakfast started. I am going to fix some cheese toast and some grits this morning. I was tempted to fix some home made biscuits but decided not to mess up the kitchen. Home made biscuits are a job to fix and the flour gets everywhere. It’s just nice have a pantry and refrigerator full of food. I will go partake in it now.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Another ride with Mrs. Martha….
Riding with my mother is always an adventure. I try my hardest to be her second set of eyes and look out for oncoming traffic. She sleeps much of her time away and I worry about it. I know it is because of the sedating effects of her Zyprexa. This can make me deeply skeptical of the so called “wonder drugs” for schizophrenia. I do not want to wake up past age fifty and sleep or lay in the bed for whole days at a time like she does. I try to encourage her to get out and come over but she dreads everything. Absolutely everything. Everything is a chore and she looks on things with such a dreaded outlook. It’s as if everything is this terrible duty that must be overcome.
I was completely out of groceries and on my last pack of cigarettes. I was dying for something other to drink than plain water. I wanted soda. I wanted hamburgers for supper. I had to call and ask for a ride. The following was my call…..
“Hey mom!” I exclaimed.
“Hey there! What are you up to?” She replied in a broken voice. She sounded as if she was awoken from a deep sleep.
“I hate to bother you but I am hungry and completely out of groceries and cigarettes. Can you give me a ride?” I replied. “I promise I will not take long.”
“Do you need to go now?” she returned in a tone of voice that seemed put out.
“Yeah, I can only walk and carry so many groceries at a time from Piggly Wiggly and need to do some hard core shopping. I am also out of cigarettes and need to stop by Spectrum.” I responded
“I will pick you up in just a second.” She replied sounding tired and dreadful.
I saw her walk out of the house and get in my late grandmother’s car. My father must be out in her Honda. I sat for awhile puffing away on a cigarette as she took her time driving the short distance from her house to mine. She pulled up with her hair amiss and with her house coat and slippers on. I felt so bad that I had to do this. I was hungry though and needed lots of staples like cornmeal, cooking oil, and milk. Heavy things that would be impractical to walk the several miles with to get them home.
Well, we made it there and back with no excitement. She drove as if she was a zombie and I had to watch out for her. I just feel so guilty having to rely on my mother like this and me being a grown man. I hope soon I will be able to drive again and I will never have to make those uncomfortable calls even though I rarely call and ask for something.
I was completely out of groceries and on my last pack of cigarettes. I was dying for something other to drink than plain water. I wanted soda. I wanted hamburgers for supper. I had to call and ask for a ride. The following was my call…..
“Hey mom!” I exclaimed.
“Hey there! What are you up to?” She replied in a broken voice. She sounded as if she was awoken from a deep sleep.
“I hate to bother you but I am hungry and completely out of groceries and cigarettes. Can you give me a ride?” I replied. “I promise I will not take long.”
“Do you need to go now?” she returned in a tone of voice that seemed put out.
“Yeah, I can only walk and carry so many groceries at a time from Piggly Wiggly and need to do some hard core shopping. I am also out of cigarettes and need to stop by Spectrum.” I responded
“I will pick you up in just a second.” She replied sounding tired and dreadful.
I saw her walk out of the house and get in my late grandmother’s car. My father must be out in her Honda. I sat for awhile puffing away on a cigarette as she took her time driving the short distance from her house to mine. She pulled up with her hair amiss and with her house coat and slippers on. I felt so bad that I had to do this. I was hungry though and needed lots of staples like cornmeal, cooking oil, and milk. Heavy things that would be impractical to walk the several miles with to get them home.
Well, we made it there and back with no excitement. She drove as if she was a zombie and I had to watch out for her. I just feel so guilty having to rely on my mother like this and me being a grown man. I hope soon I will be able to drive again and I will never have to make those uncomfortable calls even though I rarely call and ask for something.
The odd couple…….
Well I got good news today via the phone and in the mail. My ex-wife is finally graduating from college. It has been a long road and I have lots of time and money invested in the venture as well. Many nights I spent proof reading or retyping some of her papers for her. I also did my fair share of PowerPoint presentations over the past few years.
French class has given her hell lately and she was worried if she failed the final that her grade would be low enough to keep her from graduating. She called me earlier and told me she had a final grade of a C and would graduate on time. I warned her to take an easier foreign language like Spanish but she was enamored with the idea of speaking French. Can she speak French? Well, let’s just say she can say hello and have a good day but don’t expect her to become our next French diplomat anytime soon. :^)
I feel proud for her and I am happy. I felt I have done my part to keep her in her house, car, and in school and now my duty is done. I no longer financially help support her. My money will now go into rebuilding my life and my health. I hope to soon get my car fixed and back on the road and that is of my first most goals for next month and beyond. Getting that dang thing dragged to a garage and getting a new wheel bearing put in since I cannot find the damn tool anywhere online or off to get the axel nut off.
After that, I am following my dream to take a few weeks this summer and drive the 3 or 4 hours to Springer Mountain Georgia and spend a few weeks on the trail. I want to get a feeling for it and what it will take to hike all the way from Georgia to Maine in one summer. I going to drop my convertible top down and ride off into the sunset with a big grin on my face. Ah, freedom of mobility at last!
French class has given her hell lately and she was worried if she failed the final that her grade would be low enough to keep her from graduating. She called me earlier and told me she had a final grade of a C and would graduate on time. I warned her to take an easier foreign language like Spanish but she was enamored with the idea of speaking French. Can she speak French? Well, let’s just say she can say hello and have a good day but don’t expect her to become our next French diplomat anytime soon. :^)
I feel proud for her and I am happy. I felt I have done my part to keep her in her house, car, and in school and now my duty is done. I no longer financially help support her. My money will now go into rebuilding my life and my health. I hope to soon get my car fixed and back on the road and that is of my first most goals for next month and beyond. Getting that dang thing dragged to a garage and getting a new wheel bearing put in since I cannot find the damn tool anywhere online or off to get the axel nut off.
After that, I am following my dream to take a few weeks this summer and drive the 3 or 4 hours to Springer Mountain Georgia and spend a few weeks on the trail. I want to get a feeling for it and what it will take to hike all the way from Georgia to Maine in one summer. I going to drop my convertible top down and ride off into the sunset with a big grin on my face. Ah, freedom of mobility at last!
Hike your own hike…
This is a common saying on the Appalachian Trail. Certain purists feel that you should hike the trail a certain way that they think is the right way. I disagree. I feel you should hike your own hike and let your travels take you where they will. Hike your own hike and not someone else’s.
If you are tired then you should rest. If you are in a town to resupply then stay an extra night and resupply your spirits as well. Enjoy a hearty cooked meal and kick up your feet. It’s not the destination but the journey that should be most important.
There is a site called trail journals were people write about their experiences hiking the Appalachian Trail. It is interesting to read about someone’s journey even though you cannot share in the hike in person. Some journals are so so but you can find some real gems amid them as well. I have lost hours reading some of these journals and felt as if I hiking along side the authors.
That link follows this paragraph. If you are interested in hiking and the AT then check it out. It is well worth your time.
If you are tired then you should rest. If you are in a town to resupply then stay an extra night and resupply your spirits as well. Enjoy a hearty cooked meal and kick up your feet. It’s not the destination but the journey that should be most important.
There is a site called trail journals were people write about their experiences hiking the Appalachian Trail. It is interesting to read about someone’s journey even though you cannot share in the hike in person. Some journals are so so but you can find some real gems amid them as well. I have lost hours reading some of these journals and felt as if I hiking along side the authors.
That link follows this paragraph. If you are interested in hiking and the AT then check it out. It is well worth your time.
Feeling apprehensive……
I get this feeling sometimes. I have this feeling of melancholy and sadness. As if I lost someone very dear to me and I am grieving. I cannot adequately describe it. It is this all encompassing loneliness and sensitivity to the things around me.
I could no longer sleep so I am up very early. It is now 6:30 AM and I am wide awake. I feel as if the rest of the world is still fast asleep and I am all alone. Here I sit all alone writing in this journal.
I do have things to do today. I have physical therapy at 2:30 pm and I dread it. I just don’t think it should hurt like it does. It is so painful. I am going to grab George’s arm and over extend it and see if he likes it today. I bet he would cry out and curse as well.
Let me close and go get some breakfast started. My stomach is rumbling in protest and wants to be filled. I think I will just make some oatmeal and have some toast this morning. I do not feel like cooking at all. I want to sleep and cannot. It’s a bad feeling. I want to cover my head and wrap up and hide myself from the world.
I could no longer sleep so I am up very early. It is now 6:30 AM and I am wide awake. I feel as if the rest of the world is still fast asleep and I am all alone. Here I sit all alone writing in this journal.
I do have things to do today. I have physical therapy at 2:30 pm and I dread it. I just don’t think it should hurt like it does. It is so painful. I am going to grab George’s arm and over extend it and see if he likes it today. I bet he would cry out and curse as well.
Let me close and go get some breakfast started. My stomach is rumbling in protest and wants to be filled. I think I will just make some oatmeal and have some toast this morning. I do not feel like cooking at all. I want to sleep and cannot. It’s a bad feeling. I want to cover my head and wrap up and hide myself from the world.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
A journeys end…..
I had a great hike. It was a beautiful day despite some oppressive humidity. I love the smell of the woods and the cool water of a creek on a warm day. It is grounding and puts you at ease.
I walked along the creek for many miles following its meandering path. It’s not a huge creek but you could see minnows and crayfish from time to time. You could see were during big rains it had overflowed its banks. It was a surreal setting.
I sat on a large rock near the stream and ate my lunch. The turkey sandwiches were tasty and the tomato soup was still hot. I just drank it like a drink out of the thermos. My milk was warm but tasted good and refreshing. I sat for a long time afterwards just listening to the sounds of the forest and feeling the cool breeze under the shade of the trees. I wish I could capture that moment and bottle it. I would make a million in today’s stressed out world.
I spent a long time looking for arrowheads but didn’t find any. I was looking in washed out gulleys where stones and rocks would collect after a rain storm. Finding arrowheads is a hit and miss affair. I often find them out of sheer luck and not by looking. No luck today. I sometimes think I am luckier if I do not actively look for them and just happen upon them. It is testament to the many thousand of years that those indigenous people lived here in Alabama long before us white folks arrived. Especially since there are so many still laying around to be found.
I am now going to go lie down and take a long nap in the late evening and then get up and fix a late supper. I am tired and my arm is sore from my travels today. I am just going to be lazy tonight and not really cook. I am going to warm up some vegetable soup in the microwave and make a quick pan of hot cornbread. Good afternoon and good bye.
I walked along the creek for many miles following its meandering path. It’s not a huge creek but you could see minnows and crayfish from time to time. You could see were during big rains it had overflowed its banks. It was a surreal setting.
I sat on a large rock near the stream and ate my lunch. The turkey sandwiches were tasty and the tomato soup was still hot. I just drank it like a drink out of the thermos. My milk was warm but tasted good and refreshing. I sat for a long time afterwards just listening to the sounds of the forest and feeling the cool breeze under the shade of the trees. I wish I could capture that moment and bottle it. I would make a million in today’s stressed out world.
I spent a long time looking for arrowheads but didn’t find any. I was looking in washed out gulleys where stones and rocks would collect after a rain storm. Finding arrowheads is a hit and miss affair. I often find them out of sheer luck and not by looking. No luck today. I sometimes think I am luckier if I do not actively look for them and just happen upon them. It is testament to the many thousand of years that those indigenous people lived here in Alabama long before us white folks arrived. Especially since there are so many still laying around to be found.
I am now going to go lie down and take a long nap in the late evening and then get up and fix a late supper. I am tired and my arm is sore from my travels today. I am just going to be lazy tonight and not really cook. I am going to warm up some vegetable soup in the microwave and make a quick pan of hot cornbread. Good afternoon and good bye.
An expedition…..
I am off for an expedition today. I am going on a long hike into the middle of no where and practice my compass skills and hunt for arrow heads. I have no appointments today so the day is mine and I intend to enjoy it.
There is a large stretch of old growth hardwoods up the road and I am going to go exploring and see what I can find. There is a large creek and creek bed and I intend to follow it for a long distance. Where there were creeks in Alabama there were Native Americans and I hope to find something interesting.
I have my lunch packed and my day pack filled with essentials such as water and emergency supplies. I also threw in a few energy bars for a mid afternoon snack and some trail mix. As always, I am bringing along my little am/fm/TV/weather band radio. Well, off I go while the morning is still nice and cool.
There is a large stretch of old growth hardwoods up the road and I am going to go exploring and see what I can find. There is a large creek and creek bed and I intend to follow it for a long distance. Where there were creeks in Alabama there were Native Americans and I hope to find something interesting.
I have my lunch packed and my day pack filled with essentials such as water and emergency supplies. I also threw in a few energy bars for a mid afternoon snack and some trail mix. As always, I am bringing along my little am/fm/TV/weather band radio. Well, off I go while the morning is still nice and cool.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Give and take, finding a balance………
This is a continuance of my post from yesterday. I am still on that line of thinking. As I was taking a shower earlier, it came to me that I have learned a few things lately. I have to unlearn certain things and learn others and it can be painful and hard. It can leave you feeling full of turmoil inside and not knowing what step to take next.
Most people seem to take social situations with aplomb. My father has this innate ability to befriend and talk to almost anyone. My brother and sister share this trait as well. Somehow I missed out on getting this gene or ability. I have always felt awkward in social situations even in my earliest days. I was always a loner and could adequately fill my time as a child and young adult. As I grew older, I turned to alcohol to fill the void that should have been filled with friends and family.
I am learning the art of give and take lately. Before, I always took and didn’t ever give. It never dawned on me what was happening. I just didn’t see it. I was oblivious to it. I had this certain set of survival skills and used them. It was all I knew how to cope with.
Now, I am learning that a family and friendships are deeply dynamic relationships. There is this balance of give and take that must be carefully considered. A friend who always takes and never gives is a short lived friend indeed. A family member who wants attention in times of need but never relents and gives his attention when other family members need it soon fades as an important member of the family. They are seen as selfish and aloof. Always wanting something and never giving in return. This lesson was one of the hardest lessons I have learned in recent months.
When I am tired and hungry and a friend or family member stops by, I have to take the time to be there for them. I have to put my immediate needs aside and be there for them. They in turn, if they are a true friend, will do the same for me somewhere down the line. It’s this delicate balance of give and take that so miffed me for years. It took a hard lesson in hard luck for me to realize this. To most people this would seem elementary but to someone like me with social anxiety and a mental illness it is like learning to walk all over again. Taking one baby step at a time and learning to stand on both feet.
Most people seem to take social situations with aplomb. My father has this innate ability to befriend and talk to almost anyone. My brother and sister share this trait as well. Somehow I missed out on getting this gene or ability. I have always felt awkward in social situations even in my earliest days. I was always a loner and could adequately fill my time as a child and young adult. As I grew older, I turned to alcohol to fill the void that should have been filled with friends and family.
I am learning the art of give and take lately. Before, I always took and didn’t ever give. It never dawned on me what was happening. I just didn’t see it. I was oblivious to it. I had this certain set of survival skills and used them. It was all I knew how to cope with.
Now, I am learning that a family and friendships are deeply dynamic relationships. There is this balance of give and take that must be carefully considered. A friend who always takes and never gives is a short lived friend indeed. A family member who wants attention in times of need but never relents and gives his attention when other family members need it soon fades as an important member of the family. They are seen as selfish and aloof. Always wanting something and never giving in return. This lesson was one of the hardest lessons I have learned in recent months.
When I am tired and hungry and a friend or family member stops by, I have to take the time to be there for them. I have to put my immediate needs aside and be there for them. They in turn, if they are a true friend, will do the same for me somewhere down the line. It’s this delicate balance of give and take that so miffed me for years. It took a hard lesson in hard luck for me to realize this. To most people this would seem elementary but to someone like me with social anxiety and a mental illness it is like learning to walk all over again. Taking one baby step at a time and learning to stand on both feet.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Seeking answers to success…….
I have been thinking much lately on how to be successful in life. I am not talking being the best business man or having a successful profession. I am talking about how to just live life with meaning and substance.
I think of my father often when I think of a successful man. I sometimes compare myself to him and find some of my faults. I have learned a few things lately that are becoming clear to me and I hope to emulate them.
One thing I have learned that persistence and perseverance is key to success. I have seen my father have a hundred setbacks and pitfalls yet he always picks himself up and goes forward working ever harder to correct those mistakes. It’s always easy to err but so hard to fix those errors. We are all human and make mistakes but some of us tend to make more than others and thus have to work even harder.
I also think of my illness and whether or not I sometimes use it as a crutch. I think to myself that I am screwed and have no hope. That I can work so hard and in the end failing because of my illness. This is a trap and I see it now. I can always use schizophrenia as an excuse or I can actively fight to overcome it. I can seek newer and better medicines. I can actively study and research the latest research reports and drug studies and stay apprised of any new developments. I can actively question my doctor and keep her on her toes.
I am slowly learning as I go and I am growing as a person. I have great hopes for the future now. A few months ago my future consisted of staying warm and getting something to eat. That’s one of the traps of being homeless. You are so caught up in your current situation and needs that you cannot think of the future much. I see this now and I was lucky to have a family willing to give me a second chance. Many homeless people may not have this or just not have the gumption to call and ask for help. It is humbling and humiliating to call a loved one and ask for charity and admit your situation. I still don’t understand how I got the courage to call my mother. That constant, hand numbing cold can make you do some tough things to seek relief.
This post will evolve as I think more on this. Just some thoughts I wanted to share. I will explore this line of thinking in future writings down the road.
I think of my father often when I think of a successful man. I sometimes compare myself to him and find some of my faults. I have learned a few things lately that are becoming clear to me and I hope to emulate them.
One thing I have learned that persistence and perseverance is key to success. I have seen my father have a hundred setbacks and pitfalls yet he always picks himself up and goes forward working ever harder to correct those mistakes. It’s always easy to err but so hard to fix those errors. We are all human and make mistakes but some of us tend to make more than others and thus have to work even harder.
I also think of my illness and whether or not I sometimes use it as a crutch. I think to myself that I am screwed and have no hope. That I can work so hard and in the end failing because of my illness. This is a trap and I see it now. I can always use schizophrenia as an excuse or I can actively fight to overcome it. I can seek newer and better medicines. I can actively study and research the latest research reports and drug studies and stay apprised of any new developments. I can actively question my doctor and keep her on her toes.
I am slowly learning as I go and I am growing as a person. I have great hopes for the future now. A few months ago my future consisted of staying warm and getting something to eat. That’s one of the traps of being homeless. You are so caught up in your current situation and needs that you cannot think of the future much. I see this now and I was lucky to have a family willing to give me a second chance. Many homeless people may not have this or just not have the gumption to call and ask for help. It is humbling and humiliating to call a loved one and ask for charity and admit your situation. I still don’t understand how I got the courage to call my mother. That constant, hand numbing cold can make you do some tough things to seek relief.
This post will evolve as I think more on this. Just some thoughts I wanted to share. I will explore this line of thinking in future writings down the road.
Resting away my ails…….
I have been doing well lately. I have just rested and slept a lot. The soreness has started to subside. I still cannot move my arm much and this worries me.
Alaine came last night to keep me company and she brought along her friend Paige. I and Paige hit it off in that she loved my gaming set up and loves to game. She sat for a long time playing Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark and loved the 5.1 surround sound. It is cool to have a woman friend that is my age and is “into” something I enjoy. I would have never thought I would have found a 32 year old woman who loved computer gaming.
We ended up playing several heated games of Mexican train dominoes and then called it a night. It’s nice having friends to share your life with. It has been many years since I had close friends like this. I was always a loner and spend the majority of my time alone. I still struggle with this and tend to push them away and want to be alone but I try my hardest to overcome this.
Well, today will be another day of rest. I restart physical therapy in the morning and do not look forward to it. This stuff hurts and I think my physical therapist, George, is sadistic and loves to hear me curse and cry out from the pain as he stretches my arm.
I also have hopes for some rain and thunderstorms today. We do have a 40 percent chance so I will just have to wait and see.
Alaine came last night to keep me company and she brought along her friend Paige. I and Paige hit it off in that she loved my gaming set up and loves to game. She sat for a long time playing Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark and loved the 5.1 surround sound. It is cool to have a woman friend that is my age and is “into” something I enjoy. I would have never thought I would have found a 32 year old woman who loved computer gaming.
We ended up playing several heated games of Mexican train dominoes and then called it a night. It’s nice having friends to share your life with. It has been many years since I had close friends like this. I was always a loner and spend the majority of my time alone. I still struggle with this and tend to push them away and want to be alone but I try my hardest to overcome this.
Well, today will be another day of rest. I restart physical therapy in the morning and do not look forward to it. This stuff hurts and I think my physical therapist, George, is sadistic and loves to hear me curse and cry out from the pain as he stretches my arm.
I also have hopes for some rain and thunderstorms today. We do have a 40 percent chance so I will just have to wait and see.
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