An Empty Heart, Devoid of Love...

I feel mixed up and out-of-sorts this morning. I spent a long time sitting down at the shopping center at daybreak, drinking cup after cup of coffee from my thermos. I had a lot on my mind as I thought of Rosa and the whole general issue of us.

We had planned to move in together, and then Rosa got Allyssa. I didn't feel comfortable with kids in the house and being a shack up dad. Those plans were postponed indefinitely. Last night, Rosa brought the subject back up now that Allyssa is back with her mother.

"Do you think us living together would work?"

"No," I replied. "I think things are fine the way they are."

A pout of a look overcame Rosa's face when I said that.

"So you don't want me to move in?"

"Not unless we are married," I replied. "The whole subject just makes me uncomfortable so let's drop it."

I have no intentions of getting married again either so it was a moot point. I am pretty comfortable in my new bachelor lifestyle and want it to stay that way. Rosa can just pout with me. It's not like we are even back together again anyway. Once bitten, twice shy as they say. My heart has been broken enough for one year. I just have no desire to date, or get into another committed relationship. Friendship will do just fine for the time being, and that is what I want to keep Rosa: a friend.

I have recently discovered online AA meetings. There was a midnight meeting last night and I sleepily sat at this computer and read as the meeting progressed. The ability to type needs to be a prerequisite for people sharing in those meetings, though. Nothing is more laborious than watching someone painfully peck out a reply or moment to share. I found myself blowing and rolling my eyes all throughout the meeting. I felt more aggravated after the meeting than before, so I think online AA meetings are on hiatus for the time being. There is just no substitute for taking your warm body to a meeting hall and seeing people face to face.

Moping About...

Fixed my signature cheesy mushroom chicken and rice dish for Rosa tonight. It is a simple recipe of boneless chicken breasts cooked in butter, cream of mushroom soup, and milk. I cooked a big pot of southern style sticky rice and mixed it in. It was the perfect cold weather meal and treat. I love how creamy and buttery it is -- packed with calories to burn on a cold night. My waist line doesn't like it though.

"I am going to start going to AA with you," Rosa told me after our meal.

We were sitting in my den watching the nightly news which I detest. It was Rosa's idea. She watches a lot of television.

"Thank you. And I will got to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) with you," I replied.

Rosa was moping about this evening, though. She still has a broken heart about Allyssa being taken back to Atlanta.

"I miss her so much," Rosa said at one point.

"I know you do, sweetheart," I replied.

"You never know what life will throw at you, do you?"

"No, you never do," I replied. "That's why I take it one day at a time."

And taking it one day at a time has been key to me staying sober. I only have to worry about the four or five hours ahead of me before going to bed tonight. I can stay sober for that long. Come what may, tomorrow.

Been reading up on photography basics all afternoon.  I am getting enough confidence to start shooting photos with the manual setting on my camera.  F-stop, ISO speed, shutter speed.  It can all be so confusing, but I think the best pictures are taken on manual.  I am so glad I've had photography to exercise my mind these days.  I am getting to be a regular shutter-bug. 

Take it Like a Man...

"Okay, bend over," the nurse told me as she approached me with that big needle in hand this morning. "This is going to sting."

I pulled my sweat pants down to the side and there was a painful prick.  I could feel those many milliliters of cold saline solution enter my gluteus maximus. 

"All done," the nurse said as she put a band-aid on the spot of entry and I pulled my pants back up.  "You are free to go."

I had hoped to do a photo essay of my every two week injection ritual.  I forgot my camera at home.  As I sat in my car eating a sausage and egg biscuit in the parking lot, I saw the most beautiful collection of leaves.  I almost drove the long drive back to my doctor's office to take a photo. 

Rosa called me this morning.  Much has been happening with her.  Her daughter came and took Allyssa back to Atlanta.  I think it was for the best.  We talked for hours about it last night.  My tendency is to go rescue Rosa and to bring her home and take care of her. She wanted to come over and stay with me, but I was tired and told her to wait. 

I never got around to seeing George at the hospital last night.  I was just too busy with various things to get down there.  I have since heard through the grapevine that he is in stable condition, but they are running a myriad of tests. I am completely ignorant of what cirrhosis entails so I don't know if it is recoverable or not.  I will continue to keep George in my prayers, and Rosa, too.    

Questions Amid the Coloring...

Allyssa was sitting on my freshly vacuumed den floor, coloring in her coloring books as she watched the daily cartoons on public broadcasting. Maggie lay on the floor next to her intently watchful, and ever vigilant and protective of her.

"Do you think my mommy loves me?" she asked as she stuck her tongue out intently as she colored with a blue crayon amid the lines.

"I think you mother loves you very much," I said, sitting on the couch, watching.

"Why did she leave me?" Allyssa said as she looked up at me with those earnest eyes.

My heart broke...

"Sometimes mommas and daddy's need to take a break," I said, stifling back a tear. "That is where grandmas come in. Your grandmother loves you very much as well. She's your momma now."

Allyssa smiled at me and went back to coloring as she would occasionally look up to watch the TV. It was remarkable how resilient children can be. She really was a wonderful child to be around. Rosa came and picked her up in a friend's car, and I was actually sad to see her leave. I am exhausted, though. I've gotten several emails about how tired I would be when this was all over. They were right! Kids are so busy! I felt like I constantly had to watch her to make sure she didn't get into to trouble or harm herself. It was a damn lot of responsibility. This bachelor admires parents everywhere. It's a tough job, but so filled with satisfaction. To know a little life is dependant upon you, looks up to you, and needs you to survive is humbling. Maybe someday I will be a parent yet! I don't have very high hopes, though. I am getting old! I will be forty before you know it.