Midday Report…

Those Dastardly Telemarketers…

“You’ve got to help me with these telemarketers,” mom just said a moment ago on the phone. “I can’t sleep for the phone ringing.  I’ve gotten where I don’t even answer the phone.”

“I’ll put you on the National Do Not Call Registry,” I replied. “I can do it over the internet.”

“Really?” mom asked excitedly. “It is that easy?”

“It will take me two minutes tops to do it, but it may take a few days to go through.”

You could hear mom sigh with relief.  “They are driving me crazy!”

“Oh mom,” I then said. “Put some super glue in your car for when you bring Helen’s meal.”

“What for?”

“I think I can fix my subwoofer. That will save $250 dollars.”

Mom told me to hold on a second as she rummaged through her bedside drawer for super glue.  I had already told her about it being broken earlier and she said she doubted dad would buy me another one.  Necessity is the mother of all invention as they say.  Mom told me she had some and was going then to put it in the car so she wouldn’t forget it.

I can’t wait for Helen’s meal.  We are having meatloaf (my favorite), English peas, creamed potatoes, and biscuits.  Helen is also cooking a lemon meringue pie. 

“Oh,” mom said before I hung up. “Come over this afternoon and watch Oprah with me.”

I smiled, but I don’t like Oprah.  I will be there anyway just to spend some time with mom.  We will talk more than we will watch the TV. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Attitude of Gratitude…

I had a really good day yesterday mentally and for that I am thankful.  I never know what the fickle winds of mental illness will bring me everyday.  I try not to dwell too much about it on the blog.  I want this a positive place to come to.  I am also very thankful for mom last night.  She came over here lonesome and wanted me to go with her to Sonic to get some banana splits.  They were delicious and we had the best talk in the car as we ate.  I talked her into trying a cherry limeade and it is her new favorite drink. 

Phone Phobias Arise…

Mrs. Florene called me last night.  She had an argument with her sister and needed to vent.  It was over some property that needs to be sold which was her mother’s.  Mrs. Florene must have talked an hour as I just lay on the bed and listened.  The Gods were looking out for me though.  My cordless phone began to die. “What’s that beeping?” Mrs. Florene asked.  I quickly got off the phone and sighed in relief.  Aren’t I terrible?  She’s such a good friend – almost like family and I shouldn’t feel that way.  I just hate talking on the phone.  It makes me anxious. 

Feet Dragging AA Time…

I went to the noon AA meeting yesterday.  I have so much trouble sitting through a whole meeting though.  At one point, I got up under the guise I was using the bathroom and sat outside the old church smoking.  It was your standard share meeting and lots of people had lots of interesting things to say, but my attention span is shot to hell these days.  I think it has to do with the copious amount of medications I am on these days.  I was so glad when the meeting was over and I could drive home.  Dad is absolutely amazed I am still going to these meetings despite my social anxieties.  He asks me every night how they went and what we discussed.

A Dollar a Day Keeps the AA Naysayers Away…

As mom and I sat eating our banana splits last night in the car, she asked me what was the most socially anxious part of going to AA for me.  She so wants me to keep going.  She says she can tell such a difference in me lately. 

“Passing that donation basket on without putting a dollar in as everyone in the room watches,” was my reply.

“Do they take checks?” mom asked. “I will write a check for thirty dollars for the month for you to put in the basket.”

“I’ve never seen it done,” I replied. “I don’t know how they will handle that.”

“I am just going to start putting a dollar in with your cokes every morning,” mom said. “Don’t dare tell your father and don’t dare save up the money to buy beer.”

I smiled and got excited.  This would solve one of the biggest obstacles I have to going to AA these days – that socially anxious moment when moneyless me passes on the basket.   Mom sure is putting a lot of trust in me.  This is a good sign and I MUST handle it responsibly.  This morning was the first time I held a dollar bill in months.

It is Always Something…

I’ve noticed my home theater just was not sounding right.  The low frequency effects channel was acting all wonky ergo my subwoofer was acting up.  I turned down the volume and began to investigate.   I turned my huge subwoofer on it’s side and there is a big hole in the speaker. “Damnit!” I exclaimed in frustration.  I paid $300 for that subwoofer alone.  Now I have to go through the convoluted process of getting a new subwoofer.  I will have to get one of “The Girls” at the pharmacy to order me one and sweet talk dad into spending the money.  This is not going to be easy and I don’t relish the thought or the process.  I am a determined son of bitch though and will get it.  I just have to be nagging and diligent.  I can’t have a good home theater without a proper subwoofer. 

Is Christmas Coming Early?

I wish it was.  I’ve been extremely excited about the new Apple iPad.  I have scoured the web reading reviews and checking prices.  Dad asked me last night what I thought I would like for Christmas next year and i told him an iPad.  He asked what it cost and I told him $500 dollars.  He scoffed and said that would put me right at the limit of what I am allowed to spend every year.   “What are you going to do with it?” he asked.  I mainly would love to sit in my den and read blogs without the hassle of my laptop.  It would be so convenient. It is also just so damn cool as well. 

Midnight Rendezvous…

Dad called me last night.  It was midnight.  I had been asleep for hours.  Maggie sighed loudly in the bed as I got up to answer the phone.

“Will you come and help me with this new computer system?” he asked. “I am lost on how to use it and I have to train all my employees and pharmacists on how to use it tomorrow.  I fear we will never get the store up and running tomorrow.”

I got up and dressed.  Brushed my hair and headed out the door to the other town where my father’s pharmacy resides.  It was a nice cool night as I drove.  My windows were down as I smoked one cigarette after another.  A full moon hung in the sky.  I headed down to the Valley thoroughly enjoying the drive and the opportunity to help my father.  I seem to have this intuitive second sense when it comes to computers.  Dad often calls me when he has problems instead of the tech support he so dearly pays for.

Dad had a wonderful new system installed.  I was shocked he would go to such expense.  He went all out.

“How much did all this cost?” I asked. 

“You don’t want to know,” he said. “I had to take a small business loan out through the bank, but it badly needed done.”

“Let’s do a trial run and pretend I am here to get my injection of Risperdal,” I told him.

We walked through the process of filling the prescription.  It printed out the material for the injection box and a barcode.  We took the barcode to a new register and scanned it in.  I showed dad how to decline payment on the touch screen as I couldn’t pay.  Then I had to sign a little pad with a stylus saying I received the prescription and read all the health and legal warnings involved.  It really was neat this new system dad had installed.  It was going to make running the drug store much easier.  All the while, dad still watched me warily around all those drugs to make sure I didn’t take any and get high.  I smiled at one point when I said I was going to use the bathroom in the backroom and he followed me through the area where they keep all the drugs.

Dad called me this morning telling me things were running smoothly. “The Girls” as he calls them had taken to the new system like ducks to water.

“We’ve had the crazies in here today though,” he told me. “Everybody wants their pain medications and we had a few argue with us that we shorted them some.  It certainly is a full moon.”

I smiled and laughed – glad things were okay and normal for what normal is for the drug store.  You just don’t know the sense of satisfaction I get out of being able to help my father.  Usually, it is the other way around. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

I fear I am writing too much and overwhelming my friends and readers.  It all plays into that obsessive compulsiveness that afflicts me, but I find writing the best form of therapy I have found in years – better than my shrink.  I love to write throughout the day.  Blogging is not a chore at all for me.  It is a joy.   Maybe if I just put a lot of effort into one essay a day then the blog will be better and easier place to come and read and not cluttered with my constant thoughts throughout the day.  I am just going to be quiet today and see how that goes.  I will try to work on a good, thoughtful essay for tomorrow.  I will keep it to only one despite my best inclinations to write six! LOL

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

I CAN SEE!!! I realized today after putting on these soft contacts that correct astigmatism that I haven’t been able to see well for years.  Everything looks so new and fresh.  Crisp and vibrant!  My doctor was so excited when I told him I could see one hundred percent better than with my glasses.  I just couldn’t wear the hard contacts that were supposed to correct the Keratacona and the abnormality in the curvature of my cornea.  They felt like I had a grit of sand in my eye constantly.  I have mom to thank for this.  She fought for this only like a true soul with OCD would. 

Charlie has been by with my medications much to Maggie’s excitement.  She heard him pull up, recognized his car, and started squealing with joy.  Charlie is the favorite person in Maggie’s pack.  I had the WeatherNow channel on as we sat in my den.  “I just don’t get you and your father’s fascination with the weather,” he said. “Go look out the window!” I laughed. 

Dad is having a new computer system installed at the pharmacy tonight.  They have to do it when the store is closed so things will be ready to run for a new day of business tomorrow.  There is no telling how late he will be up working out the kinks.  “Please tell me you are running windows now and not DOS,” I said when he called me awhile ago to say Charlie was coming. He laughed nervously and said he wasn’t sure what operating system they were using.  That figures.  I would always know about such things being a computer geek. 

To Mary K…

I poured my heart out in the comment section of your blog tonight only to learn it wouldn’t let me publish the comment because your template isn’t displaying word verification correctly.  I just want you to know I hear you, read you every chance you write, and can so empathize with what you are going through.  I wrote in my comment that I am selfish and I want you around so I can have you online writing your blogs – both of which I enjoy immensely.   Your comment about being whale shit on the bottom of the ocean had me roaring with laughter despite the seriousness of the subject of your essay.  I shouldn’t have laughed, but I am crazy that way.  I am always here.  Keep writing!  You have a gift for it!   

Maggie’s Got a Lot of Scratchin’ Needin’ Done!

I’ve watched and watched as Maggie has furiously scratched and scratched on the floor of my den this afternoon.  Lord knows, she doesn’t have fleas as mom makes sure of that being so diligent and OCD with her flea medications.  I’ve watched as her collar has spun round and round as she scratches her neck though.  She must have gotten into something outside that has made her itchy. 

“What if Maggie has allergies?” mom asked a moment ago when she was over here and I remarked about it.

I laughed. I am much like my father about such things and think dogs are far more rustic and resilient than we give them credit for these days.

I finally decided that the best solution to Maggie’s predicament today was to just get down in the floor and start scratching as well.  We have scratched and scratched.

“It must be terrible not being able to scratch your back,” I told her.

I took off her collar and scratched her neck real good.  I scratched her belly.  I scratched her armpits.  We scratched everything.  Maggie was just in ecstasy.     

Eating Crow…

Well, mom got me an interesting mix of meals to eat this week.  I was just exuberant when I arrived home from the eye doctor to find a freezer and fridge full of  very interesting food.   The only exception was the frozen “fish sticks” meals she got me.  They were microwave meals and something about microwaves and fish sticks just didn’t sit well with me.  Microwaves and fish sticks just don’t jive.  Mom called me asking me how I liked what she got.

“The fish sticks meals certainly were interesting,” I said sarcastically.

“This is why I worry so much about buying your groceries,” mom replied in a huff.  “I never know what to get you.  I just want you to eat a varied diet and Dr. K said eating fish worked wonders for people with schizophrenia.”

Oh, God! I felt terrible for my sarcasm! I apologized profusely to mom – thanking her for buying my groceries every week.  Not too many 38 year old men are going to still have their mothers buying their groceries and to go to such trouble to make sure I get interesting and varied food to eat.

Well, I just popped one of those microwave fish stick meals in the microwave.  I let it cool down some afterwards.  It smelled wonderful.  There was a side of seasoned rice and broccoli with a cheddar sauce.   I ate one fish stick and smiled.  They tasted wonderful – not soggy as I had expected at all.  It tasted kind of like the fried fish fillets you get at Captain D’s.

“Mom, the fish stick meals were wonderful,” I said a moment ago calling her back on the phone.  “I was so wrong. They tasted like Captain D’s fish fillets.”

“Really?” mom said, sounding excited. “I am going now to go buy you some more!”

“WAIT!” I exclaimed, laughing. “You’ve done enough today.  I’ve got three more left and that will last me for the week.”

LOL!  Leave it up to my mother to try and buy me ten of a good thing.  It just all plays into that obsessive compulsive mantra that so controls my and mom’s lives. 

The Bane of Maggie’s Existence…

It has started lately – the roving yard cutters.  They will knock on your door and ask if you want your grass cut.  It has already happened two times today.   One black man is riding around the neighborhood on a riding lawn mower asking people if they need their grass cut.  The sound of that loud and raucous mower is driving me crazy.  I can seemingly hear it blocks away. 

Well, this just drives Maggie crazy.  She has been in a stir all morning.  I watched as that black man pulled up in front of my house on that mower and thought, “Oh shit!  Maggie’s going to bark for an hour!”  She did.  And I am aggravated that all these people knocking on my door sends my social anxieties skyrocketing!  These people are as bad as telemarketers and I am not exaggerating.  Maybe it’s just the poor neighborhood I live in, but it gets old quick every summer.  

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

A Delicious Breakfast Over Conversation…

Mrs. Florene called me early this morning.  “Baby, let’s go to the Waffle House and get a ham and cheese omelet.” I overcame my social anxieties and drove us down to the Valley.  We went in Mrs. Florene’s Buick Skylark to let it run some – a car that fascinates me.  It is a early nineties model with only 18,000 miles on the clock.  It has the infamous General Motor’s quad4 engine – an engine that has always intrigued me.  We talked mainly about George over our meal.  George is in the prison in Atmore, Alabama.  He got 1 year and 6 months in jail.  Atmore is on the Alabama/Florida state line so I don’t know how much we will be able to visit him.  It is a five hour drive.  Mrs. Florene used some of her precious savings to hire George a lawyer and he got George a reduced sentence with a plead of guilty.  She said the lawyer said he should have gotten three or four years with all the DUI’s George has had and the circumstances of his arrest. 

I also learned the details of George’s arrest this morning from Mrs. Florene.  George was blacked out from drinking copious amounts of bourbon.  The police officer said in court that he was sitting in a parking lot downtown and watched as George came swerving down the road and ran over a stop sign.  George continued on oblivious to the policeman, the glaring police lights, and the sirens blaring behind him.  They finally got him pulled over after several other policemen had joined the chase and he fell out of the car trying to get out.   I shuddered as Mrs. Florene told me all this.  I am just glad my friend is still alive and didn’t kill anybody. 

Sorry!

Word verification is off.  Sorry Jules!  I didn’t realize it was such an inconvenience and that is probably why my comments have dropped precipitously lately.   I mainly had it on to stop comment spam which I get a lot of in the archives.  We will see how this works. 

Attitude of Gratitude…

I am so excited and grateful that I am getting my contacts today.  Despite my doctor’s warning that I may not be able to see well with them, I am still hopeful and exuberant.  Because of the Keratacona, I just can’t see well with glasses and I hope these new lenses that correct astigmatism will alleviate that.  I am also extremely excited about grocery day.  Kroger has a new line of frozen meals and I told mom to get me a varied mix of 22 meals and four 2-liter diet 7up.  I hope mom will buy me some very interesting food. 

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

A Good Day…

I’m having trouble sitting through real world AA meetings.  It seems I can only make it thirty minutes and then I head home.  That happened tonight.  I’ve been so sleepy lately.  I sleep lots through the day and still manage to sleep at night.  It is a far cry from a few months ago when I couldn’t sleep at all.

Today was my injection in the ‘ole derriere.  Dad believes my trouble the other night was because my medication levels were low. Life always seems to get interesting before that time mentally.  It is also a full moon and I swear that effects me in some way.  It seems I will always be tethered to these medications in one way or another for the rest of my life.  I shudder at the thought of withdrawal or ever having to quit taking them. 

It’s been a good day though.  Mom brought my Mexican meal tonight.  I told her to surprise me and she brought some meal with strips of fried steak enveloped in fried tortilla shells and topped with guacamole and sour cream.  It was decadent and I am sure it had a bazillion calories.  Maggie got the leftovers.

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately which is a big change for me.  I went for years without watching.  My cable company has one channel called WeatherNow and I can watch it for hours.  It is a far cry better than The Weather Channel.  You can actually get your local forecast without having to wade through stories about burning oil rigs in the Gulf and over sensationalized weather news.  Dad was really enjoying my surround sound system tonight on The Weather Channel in high definition.   “This is so immersive,” he said excitedly. “It envelops you.”

Things are going to get complicated with mom tomorrow.  Mom’s already obsessing about my eye doctor’s appointment and getting groceries.  She changed the appointment once again back to tomorrow.  She is worried I can’t see.  I am to leave my house unlocked while I go to get my contacts so mom can put up my groceries.  Mom can’t find her key to my house which is odd.  It’s dad and I who have the key disease and not mom.  Dad and I are notorious for losing our keys or getting them bumfuzzled.  Just the other night, dad took my keys out of my door absent mindedly and took them home with him for some strange reason.  I couldn’t drive in the morning to get my diet Pepsi and it sent me into a tizzy.  

Lives Ever Complicated…

“Mom, Barbara just called and I go to pick up my contacts tomorrow at one,” I said.

Dad often calls mom our secretary.  She handles all my and dad’s appointments with a bulldog like tenacity and alacrity. 

“Why didn’t she call me?” mom asked me all in a stir at me having accepted the appointment. “I am on your contact info.  I go buy your groceries around that time tomorrow.”

Routines, I keep having to remember.  Us obsessive compulsive people hate to have our routines disrupted.  Any deviation from the norm sends us into a tailspin.  I wish it could be easy and with mom just saying, “We’ll go get your contacts and then go get your groceries together.”  It never is I fear.

Mom called Barbara back and changed the appointment and has since called me back twice worried “I can’t see my computer screen”.

“Maybe I did the wrong thing by changing the appointment to Friday,” mom said. “I am worried you can’t see now.”

I laughed and sighed. “Mom, I will be fine,” I reassured her.  I really can see okay – just a little blurry, but okay.  Just don’t tell mom that or we would really be in trouble and my phone would never quit ringing. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Attitude of Gratitude…

I have a lot to be thankful for this morning.  I have food and it is a day before grocery day.  Maggie has taken to snuggling up in my arms every night.  This is a new turn of events and thrills me.  I sleep so much better with her so close to me.  I’ve gotten my six diet Pepsi this morning and am savoring them.  There is a chance my contacts will arrive today and for that I am excited.  I am hoping I will see extremely well with them.  Tonight is Mexican Tuesdays and I am getting the Burrito Supreme plate which will be a treat.  I thought this morning as I drove to my parent’s how reliable and what a good car I have.  It has held up well over the years.  You can’t beat a Honda.  Yes, I have much to be thankful for.

Midnight AA…

I attended an online midnight AA meeting last night.  I tend to like this meeting very much.  We talked about progressing and not obsessing over perfection.  I tend to be an all or nothing fellow and am having to learn moderation.  I can’t be perfect with the program.  I will never have a sponsor unless it is by email or chatting online.   I am learning that that is okay and I don’t have to work a perfect program – that the things laid out in AA are just guidelines and not laws.  I am also completely amazed I have stuck with AA so long this time with all the religious aspects of the program.  I tend to be agnostic and a complete skeptic.  I am learning every day.  I pray a lot – praying for God’s will and the courage and strength to carry that out.  That is so novel for me to do. 

I love you Mom…

Mom called me last night worried.

“Don’t hesitate to ask your father for extra gas for your AA meetings in LaGrange,” she said. “We have both noticed such a huge difference in you since you have been going everyday.”

“I wish I could just go in town,” I replied. “But I strongly dislike the people who attend those meetings.  There is this strong hierarchy in those meetings that I just don’t like.”

“I wish your father would let you use the pharmacy’s account to get gas,” mom said. “He worries you will not handle it responsibly.”

“We still have a long way to go, don’t we?” I asked mom.

“He will begin to trust you over time,” my mother told me. “I already trust you a hundred percent more than I did a month ago.”

My mother saying that just warmed my heart.  I have to remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day – that I am putting brick by brick into a foundation of trust with my parents.  I must stay sober and I must continue to go to AA.  That is one of my biggest goals in life right now to win back my father’s trust and to improve our relationship.  I love the man so very, very dearly and want him to feel the same about me.  

The Moderately Happy Pill…

“That’s all I want is a moderately happy pill,” I told my father a moment ago.

He burst out laughing. 

“But wouldn’t you want something that makes you fell really good?” he asked jokingly.

“No,” I said quite contentedly. “I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I will settle for moderately happy.”

I’ve Created a Monster…

Dad has the day off.  It is so weird him having so much time off lately.  For years, he worked day after day – week after week.  Mom says he will just “disappear” though.  I couldn’t help, but laugh. 

Mom’s called me early this morning.  We are obsessing over my cigarettes today.  I made the mistake of telling her to tell dad to put a carton out on the porch for me to pick up today.  I should have just called dad on his cell phone and not gotten mom involved. 

“You haven’t come to get your Pepsi and cigarettes this morning,” mom told me.

“I am running late,” I said.  I have been up since the wee hours of the morning.

“Just what are you you doing?” my mother asked inquisitively.

“Home theater stuff,” I replied. “I am just enthralled that I can receive TV channels with Dolby digital 5.1 sound encoding. I can get lost for hours in the surround sound.”

“Okay, you sound like you just spoke a different language,” mom replied laughing, one of the rare moments in which mom will laugh.  She is so serious and strictly business most of the time.

“Come get your cigarettes,” mom then said insistently. “It’s worrying me.”

I smiled and wondered if this is what I would would be like if I had a child.  Would I obsess when my schizophrenic son doesn’t come and get his cherished cigarettes?  Would my world become disrupted when my son didn’t come and get his beloved six diet Pepsi that I so carefully place out on the porch every night?  Probably so.  The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree as they say. 

On Shaky Ground…

I made an emergency phone call to my father last night about 3am in the morning. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “It’s three AM in the morning.”

“My mind is racing, DAD!” I exclaimed frantically.  “I can’t slow down!!!”

“Can you drive?” he asked.

“Jesus Christ!” I muttered loudly and exasperatedly, and buried my head in my palm. He had wanted me to come and get some medications. I hung up the phone abruptly and rashly.

It was about four am when dad made it here.  He handed me some of my Klonopin as I furiously paced the floor in the den.

“Sit down and rest,” he said sleepily, yawning ever louder.  “This reminds me of the night Joyce wouldn’t take her medications.  She was doing the same thing.”

“Why have you stayed with mom all these years?” I asked with an extremely accusing and glaring eye. “Why do you continue to fool with me???  I am just crazy as shit.  Mom is nuts as well.”

“I stayed with your mother for her grandkids,” dad said in a candid moment. “I wanted my grandkids to grow up and know Nana, and to know me and Nana as a couple.  Broken families just weren’t allowed when I was growing up.  I don’t want my grandkids to experience that.  I’ve made sacrifices.”

“So you throw all these medications at me and mom to keep us complacent!” I accused. “Just so you can live with us!!!”

Dad sighed extremely loudly.

“Are you not schizophrenic?” dad calmly asked.

“Yes,” I replied. ‘I think so.”

“Don’t you think you need to take something to make yourself feel better?”

“That’s why I always drank beer and you cut that off you son of a bitch!!!”

“I am going home to sleep,” dad replied getting up in a huff.  “There is no talking to you when you get like this.  Your medications will take effect in about twenty minutes and you will sleep.  Go to bed!”

“No wait!” I said back peddling.  “I am sorry.  I feel better already.”

“Don’t you think your life is better with the medications?” dad asked with an air of pleading in his voice. “You have a wonderful life now that you are sober and medicated .  Maggie does so well.  You keep your home so neat and clean.  You are able to go to your meetings and you and your mom have a relationship now,   Hell, you and I even have a relationship now.”

“But they aren’t perfect!” I said, sighing, as I spoke of my medications and reclined back in my chair.  My medications were beginning to take effect and I was growing extremely sleepy.  “I will always have to deal with mental illness just as I will always be an alcoholic.  I will always have to take these pills and I will always have to go to those socially anxious meetings.”

“Just like a diabetic has to take insulin,” dad replied analytically.

Dad said he then looked over after a quiet moment and I was asleep in my chair snoring softly.  He said he was just about to tell me how well I do these days – that tonight was just a blip on the radar.   Within a matter of thirty minutes, my medications had taken effect and I had crashed.

“No more Wal-Mart!” dad exclaimed with a smile as he was about to leave.  “You and your mother have been wild and going constantly.  You two have been the dynamic duo.  I knew when you all come in the drug store the other day getting all that stuff that I was in trouble.  You and your mother are usually very quiet people, but something has gotten you both off.  You both are trying to do too much.  Rest today and sleep.  I will be back tonight to give you some more medications so you will relax.”   

Like Totally Grossed Out, Dude!

I was just lying in the bed when Maggie snuggled up to me after being outside for about thirty minutes doing her business.  She was acting awful spastic for a time she is usually conked out within minutes of climbing on the bed.  I kept feeling something wet brush against my leg so I turned on the light to see if Maggie or I had an accident while I was asleep.  THERE WAS A DEAD WET BABY RAT IN THE BED!  Maggie had found a new toy and wanted to share it with me.  Well, stupid me thought it was small enough to flush down the toilet.  Did it go? NO!  Now, I’ve got to fish a dead rat out of the toilet and go tosh it over the fence where Maggie can’t get it.  I am tired.  I am going to bed.  Floating dead rats can wait until the morning.  LOL

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

An Adventurous Soul…

The 8pm AA meeting in LaGrange is just too late for me.  I tried my hardest to go tonight.  Charlie had been by earlier with my medications and I was feeling mentally well this late in the evening for a change.  But I got so sleepy during the meeting as each person droned on and on about various alcoholic issues.  I kept looking at my watch and when it got half past the hour I grabbed my bottle of cold water and left – sneaking out the back door under the guise that I had gone to the bathroom.  Normally, with my social anxieties, getting up during an active meeting in a room full of people would have sent my anxiety skyrocketing, but I was too tired to care.

The Sole Oncologist…

My sister took the job as the sole oncologist at a local town hospital recently.  She signed the contract a few months ago.  She is thinking it was a bad decision now as being the only oncologist on call gives her little to no time off.  She has two young children and is having to rely heavily on third party childcare to take care of them.  I don’t envy her of that situation. 

My Magdalena…

It has rained for most of the day and the Magdalena has gotten some quality sleeping time.  She has played musical chairs with the bed in the computer room and my bedroom.  I noticed as the sun rose, she got in the back bedroom which was very dark, and as the day progressed, she gravitated towards the front bedroom which had also grown dark.  She was so sleepy and slow today that it was contagious and I took a total of three naps today totaling for around 3 hours of sleep.  I hope I sleep tonight. 

A Window of Opportunity…

I took Maggie for our walk this morning before another big line of rain and storms moved in.  This is our third day in a row of walking one mile.  I plan to bump it up to two miles at the beginning of next month, but that’s it.  I have learned that if I make walking too much of a chore, I just won’t do it and I and Maggie both need the exercise.  It takes about one hour to walk a mile with all the frequent stops Maggie makes.  She has to sniff everything, and I mean everything.  It is one big canine staccato mess it seems.  I am very happy today – grateful for all I have and the ability to still do such a thing with an animal that owns my heart.  

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Gentrification…

“Your father is driving me nuts this morning,” mom said over the phone a moment ago as she yawned sleepily. “First, he started some coffee and then realized we had a new coffee maker.  He told me I shouldn’t have spent that money – that our old coffee maker worked perfectly fine.  I wanted one with a timer and a larger capacity.  Then, he has the TV up so loud in the den that it woke me up in my back bedroom.  He’s gotten so hard of hearing.”

I got the biggest smile on my face.  Mom and dad’s interactions can be so interesting and it just gets more interesting the older they get and the longer they are married. 

“I just asked him a question about his day off and what he was going to do and he just grunted something inaudible!  He can be so rude to me sometimes!”

I realized mom and dad are getting older, cranky, ornery in their elder married years.  They are the stereotypical odd couple.  They’ve been married over forty years.

“I want to thank you for going to your eye doctor’s appointment yesterday,” mom then said. “That worried me more than anything that you would have a panic attack and wouldn’t go.  I worry about your eyesight.  And your old glasses looked terrible.  You can’t wear those hard contacts.”

“Mom, you asked me over thirty times if I was going to make it!” I said.

“I know,” she said. “I am sorry.  I was obsessed.  I can be so obsessive compulsive sometimes.  It is only because I care.  I just love you.”

My Favorite Blog…

I have often told Annabel that I am her biggest blog fan.  Story of my Life is your average “day in the life” blog I think most of you who read my blog would enjoy.  She doesn’t do anything special.  There is not a lot of drama.  She doesn’t often air her dirty laundry or reveal sordid details on her blog like I tend to do.  There is no flowery prose.  I don’t think I have ever seen her use dialogue.  But I love her blog.  I love the details of her life she shares.  You really get to know her and what her life is like.  She is probably one of the busiest people I have ever met in my life as well.   She is a constant whir of activity and I think she feels guilty when she allows herself some downtime to watch TV or get online.  Our lives are such polar opposites and I think this I why I find her such an interesting and fascinating person to read about.

Business Talk…

I was overjoyed to have dad back last night for our medication ritual.  Maggie just will not eat her Purina One unless dad puts it out for her.  She is such a choosey and finicky dog.  She loves her routines as much as I, Charlie, or mom.

“I hired a new pharmacist this week,” dad said excitedly. “This will give me much more time off.  I will be 65 this August and need to think about retiring.  I keep hoping Angie will buy the store from me.”

Dad has his first Saturday off in weeks today.  He was so excited last night.   This brings the total number of pharmacists working for him to three.  Dad never talks about the business end of the pharmacy with me so I was very interested in the details of what was going on. 

“A few months back CVS made an offer to buy the store and my clientele,” dad said. “I refused.  I want to keep the pharmacy independently owned for the sake of my customers.”

I have often worried about what dad will do about retiring.  The pharmacy has made him very wealthy, but it has also been a very big ball and chain all these years.  He has worked 12 hour days for decades and I don’t see how he has done it all these years.

The Quest for Soda…

It was thundering and lightning something fierce this morning at 6am as I drove to get my daily sodas.  My windshield wipers were on their highest setting as I pulled into mom and dad’s rear driveway.  I almost couldn't see to drive, but this didn’t stop me on my daily quest.  I tried to do without caffeine, but only made it two days before the withdrawal headaches started.  I also grew wary that my abstinence from one of my favorite daily rituals would make me more mentally interesting. 

I ran up mom and dad’s back steps in a driving rain getting soaking wet.  My cokes were in their plastic sack sitting where they always are in the corner of the back porch.  My curiosity was piqued as the sack felt heavier than usual.  Upon arriving back home, I looked in the sack.  Inside were several goodies much to my excitement.  Mom had included a nice expensive Zippo cigar lighter, a new longer leash for Maggie,  two extra diet Pepsi, and a note.

I thought you would enjoy a few extra things this morning, mom wrote.  Julia bought the cigar lighter for you.  She says they last for months.  I worry about you not being able to light your cigarettes.  Maggie’s old leash was terrible and too short, so I went back to Wal-Mart last night and got her a new one. Don’t tell your father I gave you two extra Pepsi.  I thought you would enjoy that.  Love, mom.

Interesting Night of Weather Ahead! I am so Excited!!!

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

Putting My Life in God’s Hands…

Well, I made it to my eye doctor’s appointment.  Mom babysat me the whole time making sure I went – sitting in the lobby reading a book as Dr. B checked my eyes.  She even drove me down there fearing I would have an anxiety attack.  I usually drive mom and I.  I was putting my life in God’s hands.  Mom drives like a little old lady. 

“You have Keratacona like your father,” Dr. B said. “A deformation of the corneas.  It sometimes gets worse with age.”

I ordered soft contacts that corrected astigmatism and they will be here Tuesday.  “It’s a crap shoot whether you will be able to see with them or not,” the doctor told me not sounding too reassuring. “We are just going to order you a trial pair.”

It was good seeing Mrs. Barbara – the former stepmother of my best friend in high school.  She didn’t recognize me at first I had lost so much weight in the two years it had been since I had seen her last.  She has worked for Dr. B for literally decades.  

Mom and I left the eye doctor’s and went straight to Wal-Mart.  AGAIN!!!  LOL

“Let’s look at the Blu-Ray players once again,” mom said as we headed towards the very back of the store.

Mom limped along very slowly as I grew impatient and more excited with every step.  I would have to stop walking to let mom catch up with me. 

“We could have high definition movie night every Thursday,” I said excitedly when she caught up to me at one point, trying to think of anything that would sway my mother’s intentions of getting me one.

“Too pricey,” she finally said as we looked at all the models available. “I still think you need to ask your father.  Let’s spend his money instead.”

I laughed and smiled.  I am too afraid of my father and afraid to ask for such a frivolous thing from him.

We left Wal-Mart after mom purchased a new coffee maker and raided my father’s pharmacy for lots of things like nonperishable food, drinks, toilet paper, deodorant, paper towels.

“Jesus Christ!” dad exclaimed as mom enlisted Tim, dad’s home health care supervisor, to load her car with some of the heavier and bulkier goodies.  “It’s like the Mongols have invaded and are looting and plundering the store.”

I told you mom and I are on a high.

Mom and I arrived back her house just as Helen was putting the finishing touches on supper.  She had cooked fried pork chops, squash with Vidalia onions, green beans with red skinned new potatoes, cornbread, salad with ranch dressing, and banana pudding.  I wanted to eat mine at my house so Helen made me a big to-go plate of food. 

“Mrs. Martha? Can I borrow forty dollars?” Helen asked mom as I listened in intently, ever mindful of the interaction between mom and Helen which is always interesting.

Mom reached into her purse and gave Helen the money.

“Don’t you dare tell your father Helen borrowed money from me,” she told me. “He would jump all over her saying she was taking advantage of me and my tendency to be soft about such things.”

I promised I wouldn’t and left to drive home to eat.  It has been nice being back home this evening and I am fixing to settle into my lazy boy and listen to weather radio for hours.  Another purchase from Wal-Mart today.  I hope you’ve all had a good day and I will write again in the morning.   

My Thoughts For the Blogging Day…

My Constant Companion…

Dad was in Monroe, Georgia for a 50th wedding anniversary yesterday.  Mom was feeling mentally interesting so she stayed in town.  She spent most of the day with me.  We are both on a high these days and are very busy souls.  I keep expecting the great crash for both of us that will put us in bed for a few weeks.  We went to Wal-Mart twice yesterday to get various things.   The audio/visual cables for my home theater cost $90 dollars alone.

“Just how much have we spent at Wal-Mart these past few days?” mom asked me as we sat out in the parking lot of that retail establishment.

“I’d say around $250 dollars,” was my reply.

I never did get my Blu-Ray player.  Mom said that was too rich for her blood after we tallied up the cost of the player, the cables and everything.  The price advertised online didn’t match the price in store that I was hoping to get and that I was using as leverage to obtain it.   It would have been around $150 dollars in all to purchase it plus a few Blu-Ray discs to watch as well.

Mom was obsessing over various foods yesterday.  We went to Kroger to buy her some stuff to eat that was very easy to fix.  Microwave foods.

“I am just fat as a cow,” she said as we stood in line for our purchase. “But I am okay with that.”

I smiled. Mom really isn’t that fat.  My father’s constant nagging about her needing to lose weight doesn’t help matters and has caused mom to develop a complex.  Dad is on a strict diet to lose ten pounds and wants mom to suffer as well I think.  Misery loves company as they say.

The Bringer of Gifts… 

Charlie brought my medications last night.  It was nice getting them at 8pm instead of 9:30 or 10:00.  Charlie brought me a six pack of Lipton carbonated green teas and they were delicious and such a treat.

“It is my new favorite drink,” he said as he sat on the couch and lavished Maggie with attention.

Charlie also brought me a sack from Taco Bell containing six Tacos.  It was a dangerous bulimia moment as I was hungry and wanted to eat all six.  I ate three and went to bed.   Phew!  Fast food is such a dangerous binge food for me.  I don’t get it but usually once a week and I have to unabashedly say I love it despite all the warnings of how bad it is for you. 

“I’ve got something for you in the car,” Charlie said after we waited the thirty minutes for my medications to take effect.  Charlie was under strict orders from dad to do so.  He usually just gives me my medications, sees Maggie a few moments, and leaves.  A few moments later, Charlie brought in this very large, ornate, and beautiful mirror to go over my piano in the den.  I thanked him profusely.  It really was gorgeous.

The Great Crash…

George went to jail for a very long time yesterday after his day in court.  They revoked his license so he will never be able to legally drive again.   I am sad and mad – mad at George for doing that to his mother and me.  Now, I know how my father has felt all those years I got DUIs and kept him in a legal stir.   I don’t know what much else to say other than I am deeply depressed.  He was one of my only and best friends despite all his problems. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Manipulative I am Not…

I thought about Christina’s comment yesterday about me being manipulative with my mother all night.  I am so sensitive socially and it worried the shit outta me.  I decided I had done nothing wrong.  If I wanted to be manipulative then I would have lied and told my mother it had something to do with the Internet and that I couldn’t get online without it.  She wouldn’t have known the difference being completely clueless about such things and she knows all too keenly what the Internet and my journal mean to me.  She would have spent the money without question so I wouldn’t have to do without.  We would have went to Wal-Mart right then and there just to get me back on the internet. 

The Interesting People in my Life…

I ran into Charlie this morning on my way to get my diet Pepsi.  “Hey Andrew!” he said excitedly and happily upon seeing me as I rolled down the window of my car.  He was over at my late grandmother’s house unloading things into the basement. 

“Charlie?” I asked after getting out of my car. “Do you still have my home theater receiver in the basement?  I also need my subwoofer.”

We looked in my old den and there they sat.  I was so relieved.  The receiver I had been using is almost 20 years old and this receiver was my nice $500 dollar Dolby digital receiver I bought when I was married a few years ago.  I don’t know why I haven’t gotten them sooner.  I just haven’t been interested in home theater or TV for years, and now I am.  My pendulum is swinging much like mom’s it seems.

The Cord Conundrum…

“Dad?” I asked this morning after calling him on his cell phone.  He was driving to work. “Can I spend some extra money to buy some audio/visual cords for my home theater?  Mom only spent $38 dollars on my groceries yesterday so I would like to use the extra money for that.”

“Sure,” he said. “Why did your mother only spend $38 dollars?  Do you have enough food?  You all usually spend $85”

“My meals were on sale for $2 dollars each.  That’s why,” I replied.

“Your mother should have spent the whole $85 on the meals and we would have put some in the freezer at our house,  That was a good deal.”

“I guess she wasn’t thinking,” I said.

Back Peddling on the Digital Cable…

One of the bigger reasons I wanted digital cable besides the HDTV channels was to get BBC America.  I love British comedies and adore Eastenders and Coronation Street.  I was so dismayed when I realized BBC America was catering to an American Audience and didn’t have any of these wonderful programs on air.  Their programming, to be frank, is quite crappy.  I called my cable company this morning to cancel digital cable and all the HBO, Showtime, and Starz channels I was receiving. 

“Can I just get the 30 HDTV channels?” I asked. “I don’t want the digital cable lineup or the movie channels.”

“Sure,” the lady said. “It will only be ten extra dollars a month instead of forty.”

I sighed with relief and said to cancel the channels.  Within thirty minutes, I checked the TV and I am only receiving basic cable plus the HDTV channels.  Dad will be so proud of me for saving money. 

It’s Uncanny How Alike Mom and I Are…

Well, you know how women who hang out together tend to menstruate together?  I think the same thing happens with Mom and I, and our mental illnesses.  I am on a high.  I’ve been a very busy boy.  Mom’s recent high has been contagious to me.  I also want to shop and this hasn’t happened in a very long time.  I am now obsessed with getting a Blu-Ray player for my home theater.  I am obsessing about watching Avatar in 1080p.

Mom is out and about today, busy.  She been over at my house several times just to “visit”.  I asked her if she would buy me a Blu-Ray player.

“How much does it cost and just what is it?” she just asked me a moment ago.

“Wal-Mart has a Pioneer for $98 dollars,” I replied. “It plays high definition movie discs.”

Mom laughed and looked at me warily.

“A hundred dollars?” she said. “You need to ask your daddy.”

“Mom, you have $50,000 dollars in the bank,” I pleaded. “Can’t I have a $100?”

Mom laughed nervously again.  She is so cheap with her money most days.  I smiled as she got up to leave.  I will most likely get it.  I completely expect her to drive back over here in an hour or two for a trip to Wal-Mart.  She will have to mull it over first and let it marinate in her brain.   

It’s a Twitch and Jerk Toy. Fun for Every Girl and Boy…

“Kids don’t play with the same toys as they did when I was a child,” dad said last night as he crossed his legs and scanned the new digital channels on my TV.  He was especially interested in the BBC nightly news.  “You all had Nintendo's and I had Mexican jumping beans to keep me preoccupied.”

I laughed whole heartedly.  For some reason, this just stuck me as so funny.

“I would get tired of watching my beans twitch and jerk and then I would go out to play in the yard.”

“Now you are going to tell me you also walked to school in three feet of snow,” I replied with that old and stale cliché. 

“You know what my favorite summer toy was?” dad said.  “I used to catch a June bug and tie a string to it’s hind leg and then it would fly around tethered to my thread.  It was a poor boy’s toy helicopter.”

I smiled and leaned back in my chair.  I love hearing stories of dad’s childhood.  It seemed like such a simpler and kinder time of life.   Dad went on to regale me in tales of all his alcoholic uncles.  They were funny, yet so sad at the same time.   I listened intently, nodding my head when I had done something similar.  I love my father dearly and we had a good time last night during my medication ritual. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Intruder Alert!

Maggie woke me at 2:30 barking like I haven’t heard her bark in weeks.  I turned on all the outside and inside lights and then put some chicken nuggets in the microwave to warm.  I had the munchies something terrible.  “Did I lock my car?” went through my mind as I sat down in the den smoking my first cigarette of the day.  Out came the flashlight and I walked outside to make sure my car was locked.  I then opened the fence and found that Maggie had a raccoon cornered.  The raccoon was hissing menacingly and growling something fiercely backed up in the corner of the fence.  It seems he had been enjoying Mexican Tuesday’s as well before Maggie interrupted him.  Well, I had to pick Maggie up, bring her inside, and lock the dog door to diffuse the situation.  Maggie was none too pleased.  She was doing her job and I had caused a layoff.  I am sure a few backyard neighbors sighed with relief, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

The Bare Necessities…

I’ve tried a lot of templates over the course of my blogging career.  I am finding myself gravitating to simple designs that load fast.  I removed most of the bells and whistles from my blog such as the Twitter gadget and a few other things with the hopes that when you visit, the blog will load like lightning.  I am pretty sure most of you come here for my character studies and stories, and not a fancy schmancy template that looks like it was designed by a color blind child with ADHD.   I also have ulterior motives as well.  I have been doing most of my browsing and blog reading through my Wii these days and I wanted something that was friendly to that console.  

Caller ID Enabled…

Mom got me hooked up with caller ID.  I now have my phone set up with a distinct and different ring for mom’s home number, dad’s cell phone, and Mrs. Florene’s number.  These are the only people that should be calling me on a regular basis.  Terribly, I am relieved to know when Mrs. Florene calls as she can talk for an hour and sometimes I just don’t want to chat.  Because of my social anxieties, I can’t just say I have to get off the phone.  I will sit there and listen for an hour till I am exhausted.  Crazy, I know.  I love her more than anything, but she sure can run her mouth on the phone.

Adventures in Mental Illness…

I have felt this undercurrent of mental illness the past few days.  It’s nothing of the caliber I used to experience a few years ago.  My doctor and I have seemed to have found a medication regimen that mostly keeps my mental illness at bay.  But the medications aren’t perfect.  I go through cycles like my mother.  I keep having tinges of auditory hallucinations.  Car doors shutting.  Front door closing.  Knocking on the door.  Weird high pitched sounds (bleeps and whoops) in the music I listen to.   It is aggravating more than anything as it ties into my social anxieties other than the music. 

Day Two Caffeine Free…

I keep expecting this headache of grand and epic proportions today with lots of withdrawal.  I’ve had to use a bit of subterfuge to keep mom from freaking out.  I still drive over to get my diet Pepsi and put them under the sink in the cabinet.  They are my ace in the hole.  You better bet that if I get the faintest hint of a headache, I am going to drink my six for the day. 

A Wee Bit of Phone Tag…

Mom and I have played phone tag all evening.  Mainly about my powdered drinks.  She is obsessing over that.  I made the biggest mistake of my life telling her I decided I didn’t like diet Sprite.  “It’s too bubbly and coy,” I said to her dismay quoting a line from a movie.  I disarmed the situation some by lying and telling mom I had some pink lemonade drink mix left. That it was too acidic for me, but I would drink it.  “But it will only last you two days!” was her reply.  Sigh.  Sometimes in life you just can’t win.  You’ve got to know when to lay down your cards and fold ‘em.  This was one of those times for me.  I sighed, told mom I would drive us to Wal-Mart tomorrow, and hung up the phone. 

Mrs. Florene called me fretting tonight about George’s court date Thursday. 

“My sister told me he may get a year in jail with all the DUIs he’s had,” Mrs. Florene said.

“Surely, he won’t get a year,” was my weak reply. 

George was in jail three or four months for his last DUI.  I didn’t have the heart to tell Mrs. Florene that her sister was probably right. 

I’ve felt mentally interesting on and off today.  Not terrible.  Just disconcerting.  I am so sensitive that any change in me mentally raises alarms.  I get scared.  I lived in mental hell for years and do not want to go back to living that way.  I’ve been trying to live healthier by cutting out the caffeine, cutting out all the sugar,  eating sensible, nutritious meals and not throwing them up, and I have cut way down on my smoking – almost in half.  Tomorrow, I plan on resuming my and Maggie’s walks.  My all or nothing persona wants to walk four miles thinking it will be healthier.  Moderation young grasshopper.  I am only going to walk a mile.  Maggie will be overjoyed just to get a walk period.

I hadn’t felt so guilty since I told dad I stole his watch as Maggie intently watched me eat my chicken fajitas tonight.  I was greedy and WANTED IT ALL!  It was Mexican Tuesday’s after all – a day that only comes once a week for me.  I finally gave in and gave Maggie several big strips of Mexican marinated chicken.  What did she do?  She carried them outside and buried them in the backyard.  The possums are going to eat well tonight. 

Yum! Yum!

“Pull up a seat, baby, and eat a sandwich!” Helen said very happily at lunch today.

She had made her chicken salad for mom’s lunch – one of my favorite sandwich salads she makes.  I watched as she stood at the sink and sliced a tomato for my sandwiches.  Mom was sitting across from me at the table eating some potato chips.  She had finished her sandwiches Helen had made for her. 

“Your father called doctor K. to get me something to take to calm me down,” mom said blithely.

“And???” I asked.

“I’ve slept all day.  I am just dreading Mexican Tuesday’s with Mrs. Sandra.”

Now this was back to normal.  It is normal for mom to dread activities and to not be constantly driving around running errands and spending money.  She was so hyper yesterday that dad and I just knew she was going to have a car wreck.  

I quickly ate my sandwiches.  I kissed Helen on the cheek telling her she was the best Southern cook in the South.  If a black woman could have blushed, she would have.

“Where are you going?” mom asked, not wanting me to go.

“I’ve got to go check on Mrs. Florene.”

“Baby, wait a second and let me put some chicken salad in a container so you can carry it to her,” Helen told me.

I thanked Helen for the thought and headed to the former home of George.  He has taken up new residence now.  Mrs. Florene was in good spirits – watching her daily soaps.  I walked outside and let the Caprice run for about fifteen minutes and headed home.  I wasn’t in a mood to socialize much today.  Now, I am very tired feeling shaky.  I am fixing to go curl up in my lazy boy and listen to the radio.   I just spent $60 dollars for digital cable TV and an HDMI cable to go with it and all I want to do is listen to music that is freely gotten over the airwaves.  Go figure. 

Phone Calls Make My Heart Palpitate…

For a guy with phone phobias, I seem to get a lot of phone calls.  Mostly they are from family, but I got a telemarketer this morning.

“I thought y’all couldn’t start calling until nine!” I told the young sounding lady. 

She was trying to sell me a credit card.  When she completely ignored me and continued on with her spiel, I hung up.  I don’t have much patience for that shit.  By that time, my heart was racing and then I got to feeling badly for hanging up so abruptly.  I hate that crap.  I hate being imposed upon with my social anxieties as they are.   I also hate telemarketers and I am on the do not call list and she still called.  Shit happens it seems.

Well, mom called right after the telemarketer.  I let the answering machine pick up fearing it was the young lady calling back to berate me for hanging up on her. 

“Mom, get me caller ID,” I told her. “My phone will play a special ring when y’all call with caller ID and that will let me know it is you.”

“I’m calling the phone company now,” she said and hung up the phone.

Mom was on a mission.   I smiled as I walked into the kitchen to pour me a glass of soda.  Dad is just going to die.  The extra charge for digital cable and now caller ID is going to send him over the financial edge.    

Mom is Wild…

“You’ve got to help me get your mother calmed down,” dad told me last night. “Keep telling her to slow down and go to bed.”

“I will,” I replied. “I’m worried about her.”

I had a busy day yesterday.  Mom and I went to Wal-Mart to get our stuff.  We got my new wireless router and an  S-video and RCA cord for my DVD player.  We forgot my USB card reader for my camera and my powdered drinks.  Wal-Mart is so inconvenient to shop there.  It is huge.  Mom has a hard time walking that far.  You can never find what you need without looking for fifteen minutes as well.  It is sensory overload for me and my social anxieties. 

“Don’t tell your father we went to Wal-Mart,” mom said on the drive home. “I’ve been two or three times everyday and your father says I am acting crazy and spending his money.”

Well, we got home.  I was tired and interested in hooking up my Wii to the internet with my new wireless router.  I wanted to “play”.   Mom called again.

“We forgot your powdered drinks!” mom said frantically.  “What are we going to do?  You won’t have anything to drink, but water.”

“I am not going back to Wal-Mart today,” I replied nicely. “I will just drink ice water.  I will be okay.”

Well, mom drove down to the pharmacy and got me a case of 2-liter diet Sprites.  The cases are huge and come in these big plastic racks.  Mom opened the trunk and showed me what she got and I just sighed.  It was nice of her to do that for me.  I will really enjoy all those Sprites, but she is doing too much.  Mom is like me and we can’t take a lot going on.  She was so worried that I was going to have to “do without”.   She can’t stand that.

“Let’s go back to Wal-Mart and get your camera gadget,” she then said getting in the car.

“We will do it after my eye doctor’s appointment Friday,” I replied.

Mom got this scrunched up look on her face.  She didn’t want to put off what we could do today.  She wanted to get it over with.

“Go take your nightly medications and go lay down,” I told her sternly.

“Okay,” mom said, sighing like a small berated child. 

I hope she went home and went to bed.  I didn’t hear from her again last night.  I kept expecting a call about my eye doctor’s appointment and whether I could make it or not.  Mom is bi-polar on top of being schizophrenic.  Her moods swing like a pendulum.  We are on a high right now and we are a very busy 64 year old woman. 

An Interesting Conversation with Dad Last Night…

“When did your morals start taking a backseat?” dad asked me last night during our medication ritual. “You had such strong morals and an acute conscience as a child, teenager, and young adult.  I could trust you with anything.  You worked in the pharmacy with me for years around all those drugs and never took any.”

I sat for a long minute and thought hard.  Nobody had ever asked me that before in such a way.  This conversation culminated from my and dad’s experience yesterday with my telling him I had stolen his watch a few weeks ago – my attempt to get more beer.

“College,” was my reply. “I joined a fraternity and discovered alcohol.  I remember getting a fake ID so I could buy beer.  I felt so terrible I was breaking the law, but the alcohol and getting drunk was more important.  I would do anything for a drink.  I was a miserable person and wanted to do anything to feel better.  Alcohol was my Soma.”

“But you wouldn’t steal even then,” dad said. “You always had one of my credit cards and used it responsibly when you were in college.”

“Alcoholism is a progressive disease,” was the only thing I could think of for a reply. “My morals got worse and worse the longer I drank.  I needed more and more alcohol to get the same effect a six pack of beer would give me in college.  It’s an expensive habit and when you made me quit drinking, I was drinking 24 beers a day.”

Dad wanted to know all about Sunday’s AA meeting and what drove me to call him and confess to stealing the watch.  Dad worried deeply that by taking the alcohol and money away from me that it was the reason I had been driven to steal for my habit – that he has been part of the problem all along with the decline in my morals.

“I would have died if you didn’t step in,” I told him trying to reassure him he did the right thing by cutting my off. “I had no self control.  I would have drank myself to death.”

“Well, I am a determined son of bitch most days,” he said in his defense chuckling. “I was determined I could fix you.  That I could save your life and give you a good home.  You would have been a homeless wino without me.”

“I’m a work in progress these days,” was all I could say of an often used AA phrase. “It is ultimately up to me, though, whether I stay away from alcohol or not.  You can’t fix me as much as you want to.”

Dad thanked me for my candor and told me goodnight after we completed Maggie’s food ritual.  It gave me much food for thought for the rest of the night.  I lay in the bed for a long time last night thinking about morals and having a conscience and how it was so easily lost to my addiction.  I don’t want to resort to stealing watches from my father just to get drunk.  I want to be sober.  I want so much to be a good man like him.  Work in progress was my conclusion.  I am just going to keep trying.  When I fall, I am going to get right back up ever onwards. 

Mom’s Mentally Interesting Today…

“Is it eight at night?” mom just asked me over the phone.

“No,” I replied. “It is eight in the morning, mom.”

“I was afraid to ask your father because he would think I was taking Xanax.  I swear I haven’t had any other than my three before bed.”

“You don’t have to explain to me,” I replied kindly.

“I’ve got to go to Wal-Mart this morning to get your powdered drinks and some panties.  Will you drive?”

“Oh joy!” I thought. This was the perfect opportunity to get my computer related stuff I need.

“I will pick you up at nine.  Be sure to do your hair and put on some makeup, okay?”

“Okay,” mom replied and hung up the phone.

I am glad mom had the forethought to realize she couldn’t drive today.  I will most likely have to take her to her hair appointment at eleven as well.  I don’t mind.  It will be good spending some time with her.  Mom sounded in good spirits despite feeling confused. 

Running Late This Morning…

I stayed up till midnight listening to radio programs and that is something I never do – staying up late these days.  I slept in this morning to make up for it.  So I am running late with my usual morning blog updates. 

My camera is broken so no more Attitude of Gratitude videos for the time being.  I was moving my big CRT Sony TV last night to my computer room and knocked my nice Canon camera off the desk onto the floor.  It is still taking pictures and videos, but just won’t communicate via the USB cord with my computer.  I am going to have to buy a USB SD card reader to get the videos and pictures to my computer.  Maybe Wal-Mart will have one today.  I also want a new wireless router.  My old wireless router is ten years old, has an old wireless standard, and is cutting out when I use bit torrent.  I also want a wireless PCI card for my spare computer to I can put it in the den and hook it up to my surround system in there.  I will network the computer and have a jukebox of sorts pulling MP3s off the computer in my computer room.  I guess I am just in the mood to shop – shop till ya drop.  Getting mom involved to purchase these things is a whole ‘nother matter indeed.  LOL  It is sure to be an interesting day.

A Season of Excess…

The past few days I’ve had my thermostat set on 82 and feel totally comfortable.  That should save some money these summer months.  The air conditioner just kicked on when the temperature rose to 83.  I have to admit, it felt good to feel that cold air blowing on me as I sat in the den near the vent though.  I am trying to justify spending an extra $43 dollars a month on frivolous digital TV. 

Who’s Money is it?

I was thinking a moment ago how my social security money has become dad’s.  I have little to no say in how it is spent.  This doesn’t bother me too much because I don’t lack for much, but it made me wonder when that changed.  I think it was when dad legally got power of attorney over me and took over all my financial affairs. 

We’re a little obsessive compulsive…

Mom called me a moment ago for the first time today.  She was excited that dad just left to go to Merl’s diner to pick up some fried shrimp plates for supper.

“Do you think you can still make it to your eye doctor’s appointment?” she asked after the usual pleasantries.

“I made it to AA today so I should be able to make it to the doctor,” I replied, tired of this question, but I stayed nice and congenial.  I understand my mother all too well.  She has asked me that literally 20 times in the past two days.

“Oh, that’s a good sign,” she said excitedly. “I believe you can make it.”

“What do you think gets us mentally off?” she then asked.

“We try to do too much and we get tired,” I replied. “You and I had something social to do everyday since my birthday.  We just get off.  We need to live quiet lives.  You need to calm down as well.  You’ve been trying to do too much.”

Mom agreed with me and hung up the phone after saying goodbye. We really can’t take a lot going on.  It always harkens back to my longing to work, but I don’t know how I would ever make it through an eight hour work day filled with all that social interaction.  Maybe, if I only worked or volunteered and hour or two a day.  I guess that’s why I go to AA.  One hour a day is enough for right now.  I can build on that foundation. 

Wanting More Technology…

The funniest thing just happened.  I don’t watch much TV, but the HDTV dad and mom gave me got me excited about HDTV broadcasts.  I want the technology more than anything.  Well, I just called dad and asked him if I could order digital HDTV for $40 extra dollars a month.  Our cable service offers over 30 channels now and I would really like to watch Food TV in HDTV glory – one of the few channels I will watch on a regular basis. 

“Oh, I don’t know if you can afford digital cable,” dad said indecisively. “Your budget is stretched pretty thin.”

“Johnny, don’t tell him that,” I heard my mother say mutedly from a distance. She must have been sitting next to him.  “You have several thousand dollars saved up in his bank account now.”

“Martha, HUSH!” dad exclaimed.

I laughed and laughed.  Leave it up to mom to foil dad’s plans.  Mom loves it when I get “stuff” as long as when dad pays for it.  Dad also keeps hoping I will go back to college and finish my degree so he has been trying to save money and has been putting money here and there in my account he said.

“So can I order it?” 

“Promise me you won’t drink or use Benadryl and you can make the call.”

I promised and squee’d with glee.  I just called and ordered it and they will be here Tuesday at 8am to install the set top box.  I also added a DVR for an extra $3 dollars a month and bought an HDMI cable for $19.95.  It feels good to shop sometimes – something I never get to do.  I am so excited that I don’t think I can wait until Tuesday!

I Probably Did the Wrong Thing, But…

This morning, I went to the 10am AA meeting -- the “church” meeting held in Lagrange.  We talked about making amends and promptly admitting when we were wrong – that it was so key to staying sober.   A few weeks ago, when I was drinking, I stole a nice gold watch out of my father’s BMW.  I was going to sell it for more beer and Benadryl.  Dad hasn’t missed it, but when I sobered up, I felt terrible.  I called dad a moment ago and told him about it.  I told him I would give it back tonight.

“Did I just do the wrong thing?” I asked my father. “I fear I caused more harm than good to our relationship by telling you.  You haven’t missed it and probably would have never known for months.”

My father can be kind of clueless about his material possessions and is prone to lose things. 

“No,” he replied excitedly. “It is a sign to me that you are doing better.  That watch was a cherished gift from your sister and I would like to have it back.”

I don’t want to be the proverbial AA bull in the china shop, but I wanted to make amends to my father.  I feel guilty, now, because I did it to make myself feel better (I felt so terribly guilty) and not the main goal of giving dad his watch back.  Did I just do the wrong thing?  I fear so.  I probably ruined dad’s day.

Legitimate Uses for Bit torrent?

Comcast just recently won a big and groundbreaking court case where they could start blocking bit torrent on their networks.  The courts basically said the FCC didn’t have any jurisdiction in the matter.  This was a terrible blow to Net Neutrality in my opinion. 

I will agree that most kids, teenagers, and college kids are using bit torrent to download movies and music illegally.  But there are legitimate uses.  Just this morning, I wanted the startup sound for Windows Millennium/2000 and found it easily on bit torrent.  Searching Google for it was a quagmire of commercial crap I had to weed through and I still couldn’t find it.  I gave up on Google and found it within seconds on bit torrent.  Yesterday, I downloaded the latest free distribution of Linux Ubuntu for my laptop and a couple of cool Linux blogging apps.  Even though I have a legitimate subscription to Streamlink, it is often easier and faster for me to download Coast to Coast AM via a torrent every morning.

The problem is that these companies will stamp out these file sharing networks and another one will pop up to take it’s place.  Remember Napster?  Bit torrent is the new Napster for kids. It’s like commercial whack-a-mole.  

I do think iTunes is changing the online music download scene though.  It’s convenient.  You don’t have to have a credit card with the invention of gift cards that can be bought almost anywhere.   You can preview music to see if you like it before you download.  I love this feature and it has saved me from wasting my precious iTunes money.  Just yesterday, I wanted some Shawn Colvin songs from the 80s and it was just a simple search and a $3 dollar download.  It was easier just to pay $3 dollars for the songs I liked on iTunes than to go through the hassle of downloading the whole album off of bit torrent for free.

Movies.  Now that is a whole ‘nother interesting matter.  Downloading movies is a hassle and takes hours to complete.  I’ve done it and you really have to want to see a movie to do it.  Most movies are just not worth the time.  It’s also inconvenient in the fact you have to sit in front of your desktop computer or the television in your den.  I downloaded Twilight the other day from iTunes and put it on my iPod to watch.  I only took a few minutes to download and then I could take it anywhere to view.  I could also watch it on my laptop out on the porch free from being tethered to a static screen.   It was portable, affordable, and convenient. 

My point is to stop illegal downloads, these companies have got to make it easy, economical and convenient to get and use their products.  Start innovating and quit litigating.  Netflix and Apple have the right ideas about how to make downloading music and movies very affordable and convenient. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Steak and Mashed Potatoes

That’s what I had for breakfast.  Half a steak and a heaping helping of warmed up mashed potatoes. It was so delicious and a great start to the day.  I feel so content.

Maggie’s been very busy this morning.  I heard this clamoring sound and the dog door was going crazy.  Maggie was trying to get her pound puppy inside.  I opened the back door and she came running in with it in her mouth.  A moment ago, I was laying on the bed reading a book.  I had taken off my shoes and socks and put them on the floor next to the bed.  I watching enthused as Maggie came in and got every sock, one at a time, and took them outside to play.  She has this fetish for my socks it seems.  I ran over one hidden in the weeds yesterday when I was cutting grass.  

“You’ve got to quit wearing those baseball caps all the time,” dad told me last night ever particular.  “When I was growing up, men didn’t wear hats inside and always took them off when coming in.  You have such beautiful hair, too, and you hide it under those caps.”

“The baseball caps are like Linuses comfort blankets to me,” I said pleading. 

There are just certain things I am not willing to give up and my baseball caps are one of them.  I consider them an accessory to my wardrobe and crucial to the image I am trying to portray – the mentally interesting socially anxious guy hiding under his cap. LOL

I didn’t drive over to get my diet sodas this morning.  Mom is going to obsess so badly today about that despite our talk last night at midnight.  I am so worried about withdrawal and headaches.  Will this set me into mentally interesting mode?

Sunday, April 18, Attitude of Gratitude…

Charlie’s Steak Supper Tonight…

Run Maggie Run!

You Just Gotta Sigh and Laugh Sometimes…

I just got a nasty virus on my computer. Nasty! I have a Streamlink subscription my sister gave me for Christmas with Coast to Coast AM so I can listen to last night’s 1am to 5am show the next day.  Sometimes, I am impatient and go to bit torrent as the show is available faster there than it can sometimes be downloaded through the own company’s website.  That’s what I did this afternoon and got a nasty virus.  It was in the guise of a virus scanning program and it was “trying to help me get rid of all the viruses on my computer”.   I knew something was bad wrong when I saw the Java prompt pop up which is notorious for security holes and then my browser would redirect after a few seconds to the virus scan website.  I couldn’t even browse the web.  BASTARDS! LOL

The average computer user would have been stumped.  They would have clicked on the links the program was displaying to “remove the viruses on your computer” exacerbating the problem and installing more viruses, malware, and spyware.  It also wanted a credit card number for an even better version of their virus scan software. Yeah right.

BACK UP YOUR COMPUTER!  I can’t express that deeply enough.  Luckily, I had a backup I made yesterday.  I popped in the repair disc, rebooted my computer, and installed the backup in just a few minutes and didn’t have to reinstall Vista.  Windows Vista and 7, and probably XP allows you to set up regular backups on a schedule.  My computer backs up automatically every Saturday morning to my big 2 Terabyte D:Storage drive.  

Praying for God’s Will and the Strength to Carry That Out…

Just attended on online AA meeting, and that was the topic of discussion.  I pray for that everyday now – the strength to carry out God’s will.  I have come to the conclusion that I only need a few certain things to feel mentally well and to stay sober, and I believe they are God’s will…

1. 4 small sensible meals a day with a snack before bed.  No refined sugar and sugar rushes.  I have to be so careful about my bulimia. The 25 Snickers bars are going to mom along with a Edwards key lime pie. I also have 3 packages of cookies that are going to mom as well. These are all foods that make me want to binge.  Nutrition and keeping those four meals down is so key to me staying healthy mentally and physically.  
2. No caffeine.  I have decided that was one of the main culprits of my recent anxiety attacks.  I am going to start foregoing my daily six sodas.  I have drank a lot of coffee and sodas lately and it has upset the balance.  The caffeine gets my heart racing and the racing devolves into anxiety attacks.
3. Take my medications everyday on a set schedule.  Dad pretty much brings my medications at 9:30pm to 10pm every night.  The only deviation is Saturdays when dad gets off at 2pm and gives me my medications at 3pm on his way home from work. I really wish dad would come by and give me my medications before work.  My medications wear off during the day from the previous night and most afternoons find me feeling mentally interesting.  I am really dragging my feet when bedtime rolls around and can’t wait to go to sleep to escape it.
4. No extra pills or medications unless under the most dire of emergencies as prescribed by my doctor.  This is one of the biggest dangers against my sobriety and I have to be so careful.  I can feign mental illness and eventually get extra pills to save up and take all at once.  It is my natural inclination to do this being an addictive sort of fellow.  I just can’t do this and jeopardize my sobriety. 

Hungry, Hungry Hippos…

“Are you going to eat all of that?” mom said hungrily eyeing the bowl of lunch in my hand.

We were sitting on my couch.  She had just stopped by to see how I was feeling mainly.  She also brought me some trash bags and polish for my glass topped stove.  I had just told her about how good this chicken teriyaki meal was.  I had added some soy sauce and doctored it up some.

“Don’t use Comet on your stove.  You will scratch the top,” she said as I handed her what was left of my meal – quite a large portion to be exact. “Use that stove polish I bought at Kroger.”

“What are you doing out so early on a Saturday morning?” I asked, enthused.

Saturday’s have traditionally been a time for mom to sleep the day away.  She feels it’s her day off.  That, and Sundays. 

“Just running errands.  I took some of my Zyprexa, felt better mentally, and felt like getting some things done.”

I watched as mom hungrily ate what was left of my chicken teriyaki.  She abruptly stood up, handed me the bowl, and said she had more errands to run.  I then watched as she cranked up her car, began to drive off, and ran all over my curb.  She is certainly on a high mood and can’t drive on a good day.  I just shook my head, shut the door, and thanked God I wasn’t a passenger in that Honda today.

Carbonite – Is it Worth Your Time?

I listen to a lot of Leo Leporte and his computer related radio show, The Tech Guy.  I am so excited it’s the weekend and I get two new shows today and tomorrow.   I discovered his podcasts of his free archived shows through iTunes lately and have had the best time sitting on the porch in the warm afternoon breezes and listening to them with my iPod.  Carbonite is one of his main sponsors.  They are an offsite backup service for your computer to store all your files and data in a safe central location. 

Well, I reinstall Windows a lot and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost photos, videos, or music from forgetting to back them up when I format my hard drive every few weeks.   Carbonite touts on Leo’s show that you get unlimited space and free service for two weeks to try them out.  No credit card needed.  There was a catch, though.  It only backed up the My Documents folder which I only had 400megs of data in, and you could only back up music, videos, and photos unless you whipped out your credit card and started the $5 dollar a month service.  I was so disappointed.  Their advertising was very misleading it seemed to me after I had gone through the lengthy install and signup process.  I mainly wanted to get my 300 plus Gigabytes of music backed up.  I don’t think I could bare (bear?) to go through the whole process of ripping my music library from CDs again which took me about a week of putting countless CDs in my computer’s Blu Ray drive and ripping them.

I guess I am going to have to get dad today to use his credit card and sign me up for the one year unlimited storage $54.95 service.   Dad is going to be very, very wary of using his credit card online.  He still doesn’t trust the Internet for such things.  I will have to sweet talk him and reassure him it is safe. 

Beta Blogger…

I’m trying out some new templates offered in Blogger in Draft’s template designer.  It’s pretty neat.  You can pick a template.  Adjust the width and layout within their interface.  They have tons of backgrounds to choose from as well – some I really like, but they make the blog look busy.  I kind of like the minimalist style I have now though.  There are some templates with lots of bells and whistles, but it’s beta and Lacey and others were having problems with it.  It is how the page is coded and how an older or less updated browser handles the code.  I am actually having a problem this morning of my own blog being slow to load and I have a 8meg down connection.  That shouldn’t happen.  I am on the fence about going back to my rotating theme and older blog template.  It is just a few mouse clicks away if I decide to go back.  I just can’t help trying out all the new things Blogger will offer from time to time.  I am like a kid in a candy store. 

An Irish Friend of Bill says he/she was having problems with my YouTube vids this morning, but I think that is because they are in the UK and the YouTube servers are in the US.  It’s a long jump across the pond so to speak.   They are loading super fast for me on a low traffic early Saturday morning. 

Let me know if you are having problems or if you have any feedback about Blogger in Draft or the Template.  This is your blog, too, so don’t forget that. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Maggie’s all torn up this morning.  Something outside has gotten her in a stir.  She has barked since we both awoke at four. 

“What is it girl? What’s going on?” I just asked her stepping outside to survey the backyard for possums.

Well, this just spurred her on to bark louder giving her courage with the appearance of me.  She finally came in the dog door a moment ago to drink some water thirsty from her exertions and I locked it.  I don’t want to keep the neighbors up at 5am on a Saturday morning.  They can thank me later.

I was thinking this morning of all the addictions I had over the years and one of the most absolutely addicting addictions I had when I was younger was huffing gasoline.  It was a feeling akin to getting nitrous oxide at the dentist.  You got that same ringing in the ears and you would go numb.  Dad would always keep a can of gas in the basement and I would go and inhale from the can and get high.  You would have to inhale every few minutes to keep the high.  To this day, and it has been years and years since I’ve done it, but I can still taste gas and the smell, and feel that feeling of being absolutely out of it for hours.   I wonder how many brain cells I killed all those years I did that as a young man and a child.  It is amazing I am still alive.

I don’t have anything to do today and it is a wonderful feeling.  I will probably go back to bed around nine and sleep until lunch.  Mom bought me some microwave pasta bowls on grocery day and I am looking forward to heating one and eating it at noon.   I have over 25 snickers bars that need eating, but I am afraid to eat them.  I am afraid all that sugar will cause an anxiety attack.  Mom went overboard about that with them being on sale. They were only .29 cents each with her senior discount and Kroger card.   

A new blog I am reading these days is Shouldn't this body have come with a user's manual? Mary K. was one of my better friends in high school.  We were both very interested in choir and the chorus.  I am finding we are so much alike in our elder years that it is uncanny.  We both are weather fanatics.  We are both mentally interesting.  We are both very eclectic people.   I call her my kindred spirit these days and have so enjoyed catching up with her and her life after years of being out of touch. 

Saturday, April 17th, Attitude of Gratitude…

Helen Fridays…

Helen cooked cubed steak, rice and gravy, broccoli, and biscuits today.  She also sent me a big bowl of fruit salad.  This is one of my more favorite meals Helen cooks.  I am off to enjoy it as soon as it cools down.  The plate was so hot that I could barely hold it. 

Mental Health Twitterers…

What’s the deal with mental health twitterers?  All they do is post excerpts and links from dry, boring psychiatric articles that would only interest doctors.  I want to hear about your experiences with your mental illness.  How you feel.  What medications you take.  What being mentally interesting means to you.  Not that “80 percent of all schizophrenics have unhealthy eating habits and poor nutrition from spending all their money on cigarettes” or “studies show that mentally interesting people have a higher risk for suicide”.  DUH!   It is tiresome and I am tempted to go on a unfollow spree today.  I have gone on quite a few these past few weeks.  First, it was the Follow Friday people.  Then, it was the constant link linkers.  The dealsplus people got me in a stir and had to unfollow scores of those people as well.  I guess I am just getting tired of Twitter.  I am not very good at this social media thing other than blogging it seems.   

Mom, The Bad Influence…

“Your father left me some Klonopin for you to take for emergencies,” mom said a moment ago after her hair appointment sitting out in front of my house in her car.  “Here’s four for you to take later.”

Mom held out her hand with the pills to hand to me.  It was a moment of great decision and indecision.

“Mom, I can’t take all those pills,” I finally said.  “I am trying to go to AA and stay sober.  Those pills make me feel out of it and high.  They make me feel out of control and I will take all four at once.”

“Four’s not going to hurt you,” mom said. “I take three Xanax all the time.  Take two now and then take two in two hours that way you won’t feel too out of it.”

It was so very, very tempting.  The last time I took four Klonopin was many months ago and it. Felt. Good.  I was calm.  I was relaxed. I didn’t have a care in the world.

“Just give me two,” I finally decided.

“Call me if you need the other two,” mom said and pulled off almost hitting another car from not looking.

I just shook my head and walked inside setting the two pills on top my entertainment center.

“Your mother can get things in a mess quick,” dad’s often saying played out in my mind.