A Conversation With Barbara Tonight…

“Sweet pea, I just my foot in my mouth big time yesterday,” she told me. “I apologize. I certainly don’t have the gift of the gab.”

“I understand,” I replied. “I acted rashly on my part as well. Barbara, frankly, I am just burned out of cleaning those kennels.”

“Will you volunteer until I can hire someone else?” she asked. “Nobody but you would do that job for free.”

“I would be glad to,” I replied.

“I am so sorry honey and I never told you how much of a godsend you’ve been for us. I wish I could have paid you for all those countless days you worked.”

“Well, I will see you bright and early Monday,” I told her cutting things short.

“Thank you so much, honey!” Barbara replied and we got off the phone.

So I am basically putting in my two weeks notice until Barbara can find someone to take my position. I called Tracy and filled her in on my and Barbara’s conversation tonight. She feels better, but she doesn’t want me to go.

“It is not going to be the same working there anymore,” Tracy told me over the phone. “To see your smiling face when I get there in the morning.”

“We’ll see,” I said. “Who knows? I could just drop down to two days a week like I originally intended and might stay on volunteering in a limited capacity. I just need a break that’s all. Something to lighten the load.”

“Let Barbara hire somebody to do the dogs and you can come in and help me with the cats,” Tracy replied exploring ideas.

“We’ll see,” I replied. “I promise you there will be an amicable ending that’s best for everyone involved.”

Let’s Get This Done!

I didn’t get in the bed until almost 3 am last night. I just couldn't sleep. I awoke this morning with a swimmy feeling in my head – a feeling of dire tiredness and responsibility due. Tracy left for the Humane Society 30 minutes earlier after breakfast. She slept well and was all chipper and happy this morning as I fixed us a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheese toast.

I stepped into the Society and Mrs. Barbara was at her computer as she usually is.

“Hey Sweet Pea,” she told me which is her pet name for me. “There is a fresh pot of coffee made.”

“Good morning,” I replied. “I think I will drink a mug of coffee this morning. Thank you.”

The black bitterness was somehow pleasing and comforting to me. I could soon feel the caffeine mingling with my brain cells giving me a renewed vigor. 

I then went straight back to the kennels and got ready to work. I took off my shoes and slipped my rubber boots on and then tied on my vinyl apron. Cleaning kennels is dirty work. The power washer turned on with a whoosh and then a roar that was an affront to my tired ears. All I could think of was getting back home and going back to bed. I finished in a record two hours and headed home after spending some time with Tracy in the feline room. I helped her change the last few litter boxes and finished giving fresh food and water to the cats. It was my last gasp of activity.

I had a little cash on me so I stopped by Daniel’s and got four of their little crispy and well done burgers. I was starving and it hit the spot. I sat in the car eating them as I listened to Joni Mitchell’s Taming the Tiger album. I felt much better now that I was heading home. Respite was within my grasp.

Edit – I arrived home and took my medications. My brain was especially keen on them today and I felt 100% better within an hour of taking them.

Just As Friends…

Tracy asked me out for dinner today as soon as I had arrived at the shelter this morning. I was taking off my coat and hanging it on the coat rack when she asked. It was like she just couldn’t wait.anymore and had to urgently get it over with. She had made up her mind. It completely caught me off guard and by surprise. We’ve gotten pretty close lately, but I didn’t realize it was to that point in our relationship.

“It doesn’t have to be fancy,” she said. “We will grab a bite to eat at a place of your choice. I just want to spend some time with you and talk.”

“Tracy, I was a 20 year old man when you were born,” I replied. “A May to December relationship may not be the best of things right now. You’re also still reeling from the breakup with Michael.”

“It is just as friends, silly,” she said to me smiling broadly and giggling like a little school girl. “We’re not going to rush home and get in the bed afterwards and have wild sex.”

“Well, okay,” I said. “Just as friends.”

“Let’s go to Jim Bob’s in Opelika and get their wonderful chicken tenders,” I told Tracy.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Tracy replied. “Do you want to go tomorrow night? Or tonight?”

“Tomorrow would be fine. The weather is going to be iffy tonight. Let’s say I pick you up at 7 pm your time, Central time,” I said. “That will be 8 pm my time, Eastern time.”

For the rest of the day, Tracy’s and my heads were in the clouds. It was almost hard to concentrate on cleaning the kennels. It was so exciting to be going out with a friend. I’ve missed having a close comrade in my life. Tracy and I have grown closer and closer these past few months till we think we know everything about each other.

October 19 Tablet Scribblings…

Well, dad called our doctor and he put me on a new anxiety medication. The Klonopin just wasn’t doing the trick. I have to take it three times a day. I am going to pick up the pills on my way back from the Humane Society today as the prescription is filled and ready to go.

“Maybe this will give you some peace,” my father told me of my tortured soul.

I am excited to try them and to see if they help. I think I am the only person on Earth thrilled at getting even more crazy meds.

I was stir crazy late in the evening last night and visited with my father to calm down. I called it grounding myself. He cooked us breakfast for supper and it was such a treat. I adore and love breakfast for supper. We had scrambled eggs, bacon, and heat and serve biscuits.

Tracey got the wildcat to eat out of her hand and she was thrilled today. Normally, he would hiss and cower in the back of his cage. This cat is going to take some serious rehabilitation if it is going to be adopted. Tracy is up to the task, though. She oozes with sweetness and trustworthiness,

Little Man got back from the Vet this morning as well and he looks like a new dog without that hideous tumor on his loin. The tumor was benign. I peeled back the bandages and he has quite a few stiches. I have a mind to adopt this dog if Old Fuss and Feathers wouldn’t have a hissy fit. I might just do it anyway come hell or high water.

I’ll Take 4K For $400, Alex…

I just emailed the pharmacy the Newegg shopping cart with the ASUS 4K ultra high definition monitor I want to get. I then called the pharmacy to tell my father I sent Matt, the pharmacy computer guru, an email.

“We’ll get to it if we can,” Old Fuss and Feathers told me huffily. “We’ve been really busy today.”

Harumppff!!!

I wanted to tell him to do it after the store closes, but I would have been reprimanded.

“We all want to go home after working all day,” I can hear him tell me now in retribution. 

Dad is having to work today and tomorrow to make up for not working Monday and Tuesday due to his class reunion.

It sure is nice to be off today and not have to volunteer. I have done nothing but goof off today and I am still in my pajamas this late in the afternoon.

Volunteering has seemed to have lost some of its veneer and luster for me, but I am not going to give up. I am committed now. I will probably feel differently in the morning after I have rested up some. The first of the week sure was busy, though. I performed a full week’s work in three days. I am also still adjusting to volunteering on Fridays as well.

One of the big benefits of my medications is that I can think this way in a rational manner. I am also dependable. Off my medications, I am impulsive and flighty and would have quit willy nilly without a care of the consequences or how it would effect my friends. Dad’s amazed I’ve made it this far to put another spin on the matter. He has no confidence in me in such endeavors nor does he encourage them.   

2:30 PM Tablet Scribblings…

Well, I have finished my list. I am done. Finis. Now, it is Barbara’s job to count all that change and money. She just gave me $25 dollars out of a donation box for gas which will just about fill me up. Tracy still has just a few businesses left and she will be finished as well. I am very pleased thinking this would go on until Friday or the next week. I informed Mrs. Barbara that I will not be coming in tomorrow.

“That’s fine sweetheart,” she told me. “You have gone above and beyond the call of duty of a volunteer.”

That was nice to hear. It feels good to be apart of something larger than me – to be making a difference in the lives of the animals and of my friends.

I am ready to get back on schedule, though. I want to rest tomorrow and spend lots of idle time on my computer listening to music, watching the weather, watching movies, and playing games.

Summer, dad buys the Le Sueur brand asparagus who also make what we call English peas.

Reedited after I got home this afternoon…

Yay! I’m Home…

My heart just wasn’t in volunteering today. I was just going through the motions like an automaton. Tracy kept coming back into the kennels to talk to me and said I was a terrible conversationalist this morning. My head was in the clouds and I was in some galaxy far, far away. I finished up my duties, told everyone to have a good day, and headed back up through the Valley glad to be headed home. I only stopped at Daniel’s to get a bag of their little crispy and well done burgers. Delicious!

Making Facebook Work for Me…

I have just about unfollowed everyone I was friends with in Facebook. We are still friends and they can see what I write, but I can’t see what they write. Now, I am mainly showing my model railroad and railroading groups which are quite a few. It is a breath of fresh air not to have to wade through inspirational quotes, memes, cat shenanigan videos, pictures of children and babies, and recipes.  I also turned off Facebook chat. No more messages from Laura, Tuleana, and Wendy. I am not interested in dating at this moment anyway. I guess I am coming across as an old curmudgeon and spoilsport, but it works for me.

Waffling On What to Get…

As the 1st of the month soon approaches, I am yet again faced with more purchasing power and the conundrum of what to get with my money. I now have a bicycle and feel it would be frivolous to order another. My father never ordered my mountain bike as I had surmised. I am now leaning towards a nice and new ultra high definition monitor for my computer room computer. It would be nice to watch my Blu-Ray movies all in 4k ultra high definition glory.

ASUS MG28UQ Black 28" 1ms (GTG) 4K Ultra High Definition Adaptive-Sync (Free Sync) Gaming Monitor, 3840 x 2160 , W/ Asus Exclusive GamePlus and Flicker free Technology, Pivot &Height Adjustment, Built-in Speakers. $379.99

Just Rolling with the Punches…

I am tired after cleaning all day so this will be a short post. I still have to buy groceries tonight and how I am going to manage that I do not know. I am just so hot and exhausted. I might write again about my grocery gathering experiences tonight depending on how things go.

Maggie gladly greeted me when I got home. She’s not used to me being gone for such long periods of times. Her tail was just a wagging as I walked through the door. I then had to pass a sniff check – lots of interesting smells on me today. 

Animals First…

Mrs. Barbara called me late yesterday evening and asked if I would come in today and help feed and water the animals before the holiday. I said sure and was at the gate at eight this morning waiting on everybody to arrive. I have learned my cellphone is an very effective alarm clock. I didn’t even take a shower this morning fearing I would be plenty dirty by lunch. “Take me as I am,” was that old hymnal song that was playing in my mind today – my earworm for the day.

You are looking at the proud owner of a set of keys to the place. I now have a key to the main gate and a key to the building. I guess this means I am one of the gang for sure now. They say the amount of keys on your keyring is a good measure of how much responsibility you have. I now have six keys on my keyring along with the remote entry to my car.

I power washed a few of the messier kennels while Tracy tackled the cats. Everybody got fresh kibble and water filled to the brim. The dogs get so excited when you are in the kennels that you can barely hear yourself think. They really bark up a storm. Everybody is vying for your attention.

I brashly volunteered to come in and check on the animals tomorrow since I have nothing to do. Mrs. Barbara thanked me profusely.  

Eww! Stinky Litter Boxes!

Tracy wanted to switch things up today and do the dogs while I took care of the cats. I swear I scooped up enough shit today that I am chock full of shit. I must’ve scooped thirty litter boxes, then I would give each cat fresh food and water. Each cat seems to have its own unique personality as well and I can see why some people own them. I just couldn't deal with the litter boxes. I think Tracy needs to stick with the cats and I will do the dogs from now on.

Waiting on the 1st of July…

On the 1st, I will have $200 dollars of aquarium money to spend. I am so excited. I am going with Walmart and getting a 29 gallon tank and stand for $169 dollars.  It was the best price I could find on that sized tank in a kit form. I wanted the 55 gallon tank kit something badly for $179 dollars, but I would have to wait until next month to purchase the stand as I am working with a $100 dollar a month budget here and it would further delay my getting fish and plants.

I’ve got to save up to get a CO2 injection system to grow live plants vibrantly and successfully. I will probably need more robust lighting as well. It is going to take months to finally get this aquarium up and running and stocked with plants and fish.

The substrate is going to be organic potting soil with a medium thick layer of fine river gravel on top. The plants should love that.

The Pitbull Dilemma…

Animal control brought in a sweet and very young brindle female Pitbull today. I was leery at first until I got her in her kennel and she started to lick my fingers affectionately and was trying to give me kisses on my face. She was just absolutely famished and thirsty. I spent some time with her today and she seems like a sweet dog.

People seem to be deeply divided on whether or not they are dangerous dogs, though. Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux once went on a weird tangent and started a blog on how dangerous they were which brought in a lot of vehement criticism by Pitbull owners.

Recently, a local prominent lady was mauled by a Pitbull as she went on her daily walk which further substantiates the fear and danger people feel about these dogs. Owners give glowing praise about these animals in juxtaposition saying Pitbulls are safe and affectionate animals.

2016 dog bite fatality statistics

In the 13-year period of 2005 through 2017, canines killed 433 Americans. Pit bulls contributed to 66% (284) of these deaths. Combined, pit bulls and Rottweilers contributed to 76% of the total recorded deaths.

Me? Afraid of Poop? Pshaw!

“Tracy is going to be showing you what you will be doing,” Mrs. Barbara said not long after I arrived this morning. “Hon, do you want a cup of coffee?”

“No thank you, ma’am,” I told her.

“You’re not afraid of poop, are you?” Tracy asked me with a giggle as we entered the dog kennels. “We are going to be putting the dogs in the outside kennels and then you are going to power wash the inside kennels. Then we will bring them back in and feed and water them.”

“Sounds great to me,” I said chirpily and anxious to get started.

There were 30 kennels to clean which took me several hours. Tracy, a cute little lass, kept coming back to see how I was doing. She said she was emptying litter boxes where the cats are kept in a separate room. It seems to me that they were just glad to see a new face around the place.

My phone vibrated in my pocket while I was cleaning and it was my father. I turned the raucously loud power washer off.

“Call me when you get home,” he said. “We are going to get the insurance to your mother’s car in your name and I have a bill of sale drawn up along with the title. We’ll go by the courthouse and finalize everything about your mother’s car.”

This day was looking up by the minute.

I went into the bathroom around noon to take my crazy meds and hoped as all hell they didn’t make me woozy like they sometimes can do. I was taking them on an empty stomach. Normally, I would welcome the feeling. I forgot to pack a lunch not really knowing how long I would volunteer today.

“Honey,” Mrs. Barbara said. “That’s all you have to do today and we’ll need you to do it Wednesday as well if you don’t mind. I don’t want to put too much on you your first day. We appreciate your help.”

I told everyone goodbye and headed out for a rendezvous with my father after I called him on the phone and said I was leaving the Humane Society.

Dad met me at Progressive and we easily got mom’s car insurance in my name. It took all of five minutes. Our next rendezvous was at the courthouse annex just down the road. Charlie had handled all the paperwork and got it ready for my father. Everything went smoothly and I am the proud new owner of a Honda Civic LX.  They are going to mail me the new title for the car.

Dad and I are going to buy our groceries tonight and I am going to be one tired little puppy when I get home. I have just about zero groceries in this house.

Stocked Up on Crazy Here!

Last night was interesting.  My old nemesis schizophrenia, I believe, paid a visit.  I was sitting on the couch watching The Weather Channel.  Dad was sitting next to me.  This horrible and loud ringing erupted in my ears, and I felt like I was floating above us.

"You're acting strange," my father told me.

"I feel strange!" was my emphatic reply.

I was never so glad to get Dad out the door so I could go lie down.  My trusty sidekick, Maggie, joined me and I woke up this morning feeling better.  It has been a day of SpongeBob cartoons and Coast to Coast AM on the radio.

_________________________________________

One thing I lament about living in my new house are the very few photo opportunities that present themselves.   Maggie is the only thing to take pictures of, and I won't bore you with constant dog pictures.   

__________________________________________

I've been thinking of ways of being more of service to others.  I guess I could start by commenting more on the blogs I read.  I just don't sit in front of this computer like I used to.  Being of service to others is an important part of recovery and AA.   Far too often, we alcoholics were the most selfish of creatures.  Always taking and never giving back.  I wish there is something I could do for my ex-wife in regards to this.  I owe her a lot!

Back to Step One

I sheepishly walked into Goodwill filled with social anxiety.

"Do y'all except volunteers?" I asked the brusque cashier, mustering up all my will.

"Check with the manager. In the back. To your left," she told me as she pointed.

Sadly, the manager told me they didn't have a volunteer program. He was a frumpy looking fellow about my father's age.  He was actually more interested in browsing the Internet and I had disturbed him.  Pfttt!  I let him get back to browsing. 

The library was just across the highway through a red light.  I pulled into the parking lot and panicked.  I have never seen so many people.  The library parking lot was full and people were parading in and out.  My social anxieties got the best of me and hightailed it to home.  But I did stop by my father's pharmacy to check on that computer he wanted to give me.  ANCIENT.  WINDOWS 98.  LOL  I couldn't use it, but I prostrated myself to him, telling him how thankful I was for the offer.  Mistakenly,  Dad thought he was giving me some grand piece of computer machinery which made me feel bad when I told him it was too old -- older than the ancient backup computer I am using to write this. 

I am now waiting on 5:30 to get here for my 6 PM AA meeting in Lagrange.  It is a thirty minute drive up there.  I am lamenting the amount of gas these AA trips are taking and lamenting even more the fact that AA in the Valley is essentially dead. 

This is where my phone phobias trip me up.  Step two should be to harangue vocational rehabilitation till I get some progress.  Call the numbers.  Set up appointments.  Be proactive instead of reactive.  I've really got to get on the ball with rehab.  I am just worried because I missed that lady who came to the Valley and hospital that they won't help me.  I need all the help I can get these days.  If McDonald's won't hire me with glaring "Now Hiring" signs out front, then I don't know who will.  

Railroad Nirvana

It was a long walk down to the railyard, but a walk of great pleasure.  I was expecting rain and had my umbrella with me, but it never did.  I sat on the old bench next to the tracks where Ferret slept during his first stint at homelessness.  This bench has been there since I was a child and was also a favorite place to sit and railfan then.  

Trains passed as I sat and read the latest issue of Model Railroader.  Grand dreams played out in my head of model rail empires in my spare bedroom.  Little toys for big boys is what I thought as I sat and read.  This great feeling of joy washed over me as I sat.  I truly don't have a care in the world or any responsibility.  The day was my oyster and open to all possibilities.  Many of my blogging friends are rife with responsibility -- their time so constrained.  I am a very lucky man. 

I tried to make it home in time to drive to the noon AA meeting in Lagrange, but didn't make it.  I would have been late to the meeting and anyone with social anxiety abhors walking into a room full of people late.  There was also a nasty message on my answering machine from the social worker out at county mental health.  The decision not to go was probably one of the more major decisions I have made in years -- almost as major as deciding not to drink.  My whole financial world would have been turned upside down by signing on the dotted line.  My finances combed over with a fine toothed comb.  Yes, I would have gotten money, but it would have been at a steep price to pay -- the price of alienating my father after such feelings of goodwill lately. 

I am now turning my thoughts to having some direction to my life.  Not having any responsibility can be a blessing and a curse.  I thought of driving to Goodwill and offering my volunteer services.  I also still have the library to try, but our local library is so small that I don't see them needing volunteers.   It wouldn't hurt to ask, though.  I looked online and there are loads of volunteer opportunities an hour to the north in Atlanta, and those are just out of my reach.  Alas, there are none here.