CANINE VERSUS MAN

Maggie likes to bark.  Maggie has a lot of free time on her hands.  This leads us to a not very fun combination for my back neighbors.  Especially when Maggie gets the barkies at 4 AM on a Sunday morning.

Last night as I was preparing to go to bed and I was remiss in locking Maggie's dog door.  I was awakened at 3 AM last night to what sounded like a dog pound in my backyard.  Bark! Bark! Bark!

"Maggie, shuddap and get your ass in the bed!" I hollered to little avail. 

I had to walk out and entice Maggie back in with an oatmeal creme pie.  Like her father, she has a terrible sweet tooth.  

Another great tool for coercing Maggie into minding is real fried bacon.  Fry up a slab, crumble it, and it will last for days.  This was the only real way I could teach Maggie to come when called dutifully. 

Can we keep it kinda rare?

My ears pricked up this morning when Helen announced she was going to buy a tenderloin and cook it for supper.  "Ah, the opulence, sheer luxury." My brain conversed with itself. 

Helen came home and continued to cook the shit out of the tenderloin.  My hopes were dashed when I looked in the oven to find a grey, sickly looking piece of meat.  I dared not cut into it to find more of said.  I kept praying she would keep it kind of rare.  Not in the South my dear friends. We fry and cook EVERYTHING al dente. 

Mom's back to walking everyday. 

"You can go with me and Maggie," I told her.

"I only walk a few hundred feet at a time," mom replied.

I smiled when I thought of the disappointment on Maggie's face when we would turn around at the end of the street.   "Come on, there is gotta be more than this?" Maggie would say if she could talk. 

Back!

A quick note to my friend Kirs.  Thank you for the money.  It filled my car up with gas.

I've been on vacation this week.  I have the opportunity to stay at a house on the beach my sister rented.  It was sublime and I got my batteries recharged for the rest of the summer.

I've also had terrible Internet connection problems.  Tonight is the first time I've been on in about two weeks.  Water got in the connection box on the house and shorted out my Internet and cable TV. 

A Thief in the Night...

"I believe Helen is stealing from my purse," mom told me.  "I've had ones and fives come up missing."

[insert various other paranoid schizophrenic ramblings]

"Helen wouldn't steal from you, mom," I said steadfastly. 

"How much money was it?" I asked.

"$25 dollars," she replied.  "I'm hiding my purse from now on."

I thought long and hard on the drive back to my house.  In the not too distant past, I would have been the one blamed for this transgression.  Mom is notoriously sloppy with the way she handles money and probably just forgot where she put it.  

Yankee Beans...

Helen has been recruited to help mom on her diet.  I was just over at moms to get my cokes.  Helen was pulling a pan of baked chicken breasts out of the oven.

"Those are the most puny chicken breasts I have ever seen," I told Helen. "They're miniature."

Helen laughed and said, "I'm trying to help your mother with portion control."

I heard dad grumble in the den about having "Yankee beans."  The reason dad called them that was that Helen didn't put in any fattening salt pork to season the green beans the way they customarily do in the South. 

Weight Watchers...

Tomorrow is the big day.  Mom starts Weight Watchers.  That is all she talked of today was about how much she is dreading dieting. 

"I dread everything," I told her to make her feel better.  "I get it from your mother."

"I even dread taking a shower," mom chimed in on the pity party.

I couldn't help but laugh at our little tell-all expose.   Helen just smiled as she stood by us ironing dad's shirts as we sat at the kitchen table.  You can bet she was taking in every word we were saying.

Mom and Dad have been in Maryland for a week seeing my brother and his family.  It has been nice having Charlie giving me my medications at night.  Charlie doesn't dote over me.  He brings me food, lavishes Maggie with attention, and leaves.  He doesn't even check under my tongue as dad always does to see if I have hidden the pills.  Dad is the pharmaceutical equivalent of what the Gestapo was to the Third Reich. 

Arrangements...

Helen came by this morning on her way to mom and dad's to work.   She was passing out homemade banana nut bread loafs to friends and family.  Needless to say, I was one happy soul to partake of the still warm loaf with a glass of milk for breakfast this morning.  I've had an insatiable sweet tooth lately.

Do any of you all remember when I had a tab at Rodger's barbeque a few years ago?  I could go get a meal everyday and it would be paid for.  Well, it is a second week in a row that I am out of food again.  Dad wants to start a tab at Merl's diner for me.  I just don't know if I will go though.  It is embarrassing to me that my father is having to make such arrangements because I am not allowed money.  

Materialism...

After the Storm Front...

Stormy Weather...

For George With Love....

I would love to prank George with this sign and put it in his front yard.  I can see him laughing now.  Mrs. Jones, George's mother, would not be amused though.  

Textures...

A camellia as seen out my window sitting at this computer.  My grandmother always kept a bowl of camellias on her kitchen table. 

God? Where are you?

My submission today to I can haz cheezeburger.  Remember the Burger King photo with the same caption that was floating around the Internet?

Finances...

I asked dad this morning what my disability check is every month.  I had no idea.  Actually, I have no idea about any of my finances.  They are just paid for me. 

"Your check is $937 dollars a month," dad told me. "It helps you don't have rent to pay or a car payment."

"Are my utilities reasonable?" I asked.

"Very," dad said. "I sometimes worry you aren't using your heating or air enough to save money.  I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

My thermostat is set on a constant 82 degrees summer and winter.  I can't stand to be cold.

I do know my groceries are $60 dollars a week.  Mom can write checks on my checking account and has told me several times that is what she pays.

My father's business subsidizes my sodas.  Actually, mom got that going.  She goes by and has Judy order the cokes for me. 

My cigarettes are my biggest expense.  Mom insists on buying the expensive brands because she thinks the filters are better and thus the expensive cigarettes are better for my lungs.  I spend $30 a week on cigarettes.   

This brings me joy...

I have every window and door open in this house and it is a wonderful 78 degrees outside.  I laid on my bed for the longest time with Maggie listening to the birds.

On second thought about my previous post, I shouldn't be so hard on my mother.  She has schizophrenia like me and is on a plethora of psychiatric drugs.  Drugs that will make you very drowsy.   I just wish she would be kinder about the whole affair and ask me to come later or just give all the cokes to me. 

Ho Hum, why do I even write this?

The excitement in my life today is a threat for thunderstorms.  It will give me something to look forward to today. 

More shenanigans with mom today.  She acted ugly to me about waking her up to get my cokes.  "Screw your cokes," I told her and drove home.  No time apparently is a good time to do that.  She sleeps around the clock.

George got fired this morning.  I was getting my coffee and pastries when it all went down.  I walked out and George was sitting in his car.

"I'm going on one hell of a bender today," he told me. "Do you want to come?"

My feeble alcoholic brain was very tempted for a moment there.

"It would probably be the end of me," I told George. 

Mom, Me, and Helen...

Mom, Me, and Helen sat at my kitchen table eating supper this afternoon.  Just the usual small talk was occurring.  Afterwards, Helen helped me do the dishes and load my dish washer.  Mom went back to my room to lie down with Maggie.   It was rather pleasant having all these people in the house going about their lives and helping me with mine.

Maggie's walk was this afternoon.  We took a detour over to the basketball courts to watch the kids play awhile.  One little kid ran over.

"Does that dog bite?" he asked.

"She wouldn't harm a flea," I replied.

Maggie got some good lovin'. I was worried how Maggie would react because she has never been around kids much, but she did fine.

This afternoon I spend a few hours trying to get my lawn tractor to start.  I charged the battery.  Put in fresh gas.  It still wouldn't start.  I called dad and he said we are going to get J.W. over here to see about it.  I hope he hurries.  My yard and grass are growing like wildfire.