You have a right to live. You have a right to be. You have these rights regardless of money, health, social status, or class. You have these rights, man, woman, or child. These rights can never be taken away from you, they can only be infringed. When someone violates your rights, remember, it is not your fault.

Friday, January 20, 2017

I Am Moved By You...

Vulcans, Spock, etc. of Star Trek fame couldn't feel or show emotions. It is hard for me to fathom that Leonard Nimoy (the original Spock) is dead.

"May you live long and prosper!"

I couldn't shed a tear for him either.

One devastating and crippling impact of my psychotropic medications is that many mental health medications can severely blunt your emotions and feelings. I want to cry for an event and I want to lament, but it just won't happen. I just get that 1000 yard stare of extreme complacency going on.

"Each to his own," I told my father about my demeanor. "We each and all mourn in our own special way."

Dad had said to me today that I had a very cavalier demeanor about my mother's death. I explained to him what was happening and then he was fine with it and very understanding. A lot of people, like me, are besieged by a lack of sexual drive as well (we won't go there, though). There is certainly a price for sanity to be paid with many of these modern atypical antipsychotics.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Bracing for Strong Storms...
Yes, we might have a few rumbles of thunder and a flash of lightning in a few hours. It is a needed diversion for me as I love to keep up with the weather. We are also under a severe drought and need the rain badly. I fear my front and rear lawns are already dead.

I cooked my own version of spaghetti and meat sauce this afternoon. While very good to me, my father has me beat in that department. I need mom's recipe with that small amount of chili powder in the recipe.  My father also wouldn't have liked the minced garlic I added to the sauce today as well. Each pot is like a hodge podge of ingredients like a chemistry experiment.

My biggest battle and hurdle today was the phone ringing off the hook with people giving me their condolences.

"Just unplug the phone," my father kindly told me earlier. "We need to get you an answering machine."

In the heyday of cellphones, do they still even sell such things?

A Blast From the Past...

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

May Nourishment Be Found For All Our Dear Souls...
Dad and I were making our rounds through Kroger's produce section as I picked up two huge bunches of green bananas -- my latest food obsession.

We then headed to the frozen food aisle after I picked up some boxes of Little Debbie fudge brownies (guilty pleasure) and a loaf of fresh Sunbeam old fashioned bread.

"I don't like those meals," I told my father as he showed me the Marie's Swedish meatballs meal.

"The meatballs are always too salty and way too dense," I continued.

"How about this?' my father said holding up some four cheese/three meat lasagna.

"Now, those are pretty good," I replied to my father. "They take 12 minutes to cook, though."

Soon, we had a whole cadre of frozen meals in my shopping cart.

I then stopped in the dessert aisle and by some weird twist of fate they had the pies I wanted. I got one Edwards lemon meringue pie and one Hershey's chocolate creme pie.

"Don't forget your journal writing drinks," my father told me as we were about to checkout.

It made me smile knowing my father knew that little detail about that cherished ritual of mine. I grabbed some Sunkist sodas, we checked out, and then we headed home. Mission accomplished..

Did Someone Say Bananas? Why Yes, They Did!

"Now, we are getting your groceries tonight," dad told me during a short phone call this afternoon."We're getting things back to normal around here. I need some normalcy as well. Wash your hair and spruce yourself up some. Don't wear sweatpants and a t-shirt!"

I smiled. Things are already getting back to normal. I told my father I would be washed, cleaned, sharply dressed and ready to go by 9 PM. I can't wait to try some  new and interesting pies for my piehole.

My other splurge is going to be some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I can hear my father say now that my mother and I have the tastebuds of a small child.

Quiet Time! The Eulogies Have Been Said...

Andrew's Honda
"I am really glad you came over," my father excitably told me as he hugged me tightly. No man hugs today. "The phone is ringing off the hook and I am laying low and not answering my calls."

It does feel like the calm after a turbulent storm. It was so quiet in my father's house. It was bedlam for the past few days causing all of us much consternation and secret strife.

Dad has more food than he knows what to do with. He walked downstairs to get a poppy seed chicken casserole in the basement fridge that he knew I would love. I also got another breakfast casserole.

"Mrs. Reeves cooked that and she is wonderful in the kitchen."

"I am giving you your mother's car and we are going to give Mrs. Sandra (mom's best friend) your Honda," my father then said stunning me and surprising me.

Mom's car only has 28,000 miles on the odometer and is practically brand new as she drove like a little old lady. I am sure going to miss my CR-V, though. I have mixed feelings about all of this.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Charles In Charge...

Charlie and I just made a mad dash to Taco Hell to get me three burrito supremes. There was a lot of good hearted and good willed banter about my mother on the drive to fast food row.

"Your mother never did leave Horsefly home if y'all were going to the pool or whatever," Charlie told me. "He went wherever y'all went."

We decided to forego Kroger and grocery shopping as I frankly just wasn't up to the task. It has been a long day with me out of my element. They also seemed pretty busy as we drove by headed to Taco Hell down busy highway 29.

"I stay up to midnight every night," Charlie told me. "So, don't hesitate to call me if you change your mind and decide to go to Kroger."

We took my crazy meds to keep me on an even mental keel. One pill, a Klonopin, fell to the floor escaping our grasp and we never did find it. Charlie was extremely worried it was something essential to my mental health.

"It just makes me sleepy for the most part," I told Charlie trying to assuage his worries. "It's to calm my anxiety and my nerves."

"Maggie? Darling? We are now doing your ritual!" Charlie exclaimed as Maggie fervently followed us into the laundry room.

Finis, Goodbyes, and Farewells...
Mr. Bradshaw, the minister at the funeral service today, quoted my somewhat interesting words regarding my mother and heaven. Dad loves to hear me say it as well. He says I have an insight to my mother's actions and thoughts that they are clueless about.

"John's eldest son said god has a new secretary today and there are appointments to be made in heaven."

I can imagine my mother looking at her celestial and heavenly calendar making appointments. I told dad we are going to have to pencil in his heartworm medications as well. LOL! Mom was always so stalwart and fastidious about Maggie getting her medications.

Groceries? There is absolutely nothing to eat in this house. I am hoping Charlie will call me and then we will head to Kroger. I am not brave enough  just to go get them and use my debit card. Dad doesn't need any more hassles or worries today as well. 

Beta Dog Brings Gifts...
Janice cooked a delicious breakfast casserole this morning and Charlie knows I absolutely love casseroles. I was sitting at the computer which overlooks the front yard when he pulled up. I was expecting McDonald's' breakfast McBiscuits. There was a big heaping helping of casserole on a paper plate and a big sigh of relief from me.

"I've got to run," Charlie said. "Sorry I couldn't visit for longer."

Charlie gave me a hug and then he headed to Dadeville for a half days work.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Funeral @ 3 PM Eastern Time Tomorrow...

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
Visitation was almost more than I can bear and I was more of a wallflower than anything occasionally shaking hands. Charlie said so as well - socially overbearing to the extreme. I have never seen so many people gather at one place except for an Auburn football game in Auburn's Jordan-Hare stadium.

I arrived home and put my jacket on my coat rack and sat silently and quietly for a moment of introspection as I loosened my tie and sighed. I still can''t believe my mother and my Chief Advocate General is gone.

Soon, Charlie came by to give me my medications around 9 PM. We forwent buying groceries tonight and will do so tomorrow night. Charlie was so exhausted after going and coming all day.  Maybe my father will go with me tomorrow night I hope. I would spend too much if Charlie went with me with Charlie playing a big role in my gluttony.

"I know you're tired Charlie," I told him sincerely as he hugged me and I told him to head on home.

"I will bring you and Maggie some more McDonald's biscuits in the morning before heading in to work," Charlie replied to me.

"I have to go anyway to get Horsefly's morning sausage biscuit,"Charlie then said when I protested him going to such trouble.

I felt he had gone far above his calling and duty during this ordeal.

It Is Just Not Time For the Bed Yet...

On a good note, I slept like a baby last night. I couldn't have come at a more opportune time. Ah Bless...

Maggie saw and heard Charlie pull up to the curb and alerted me promptly last night.

"He's here! He's here! Beta dog!" Maggie seemed to impart to me excitably.

I looked on my computer and the time was 11 PM -- an hour till midnight. The medications do not stop for anything. I then looked out the door's windows to see for myself. After confirming it was Charlie, I walked out in the yard to help Charlie get everything inside. He had brought me a Zaxby's chicken tender plate and some of his wife's, Janice's, potato salad which I so adore. There was also some pickled beets, two lonely biscuits, and green beans cooked Southern style with fatback.

"We're going tomorrow to get you some nicer clothes for the funeral," Charlie told me.

It is not what I wanted to hear, but it needs to be done. I also need some more dressy shoes as well.

Charlie was also keeper of the medications last night.. He made me count each one of my crazy meds before I swallowed them all down with a gulp.

"Do you still feel up to buying your groceries tomorrow?" Charlie asked me. "Give me a call tonight and we will go."

"It wouldn't take me but 15 minutes to do my shopping," I told Charlie to make the prospect a little easier and less taxing sounding.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Nana, Papa, and the Grand Kids...

The Last Time I Saw Her She Was Smiling...

My mother was also badgering me not to forget my Cokes and a couple of cigarillos as I headed to the back door through the kitchen. Little did I know that she would be dead 15 minutes later.

About a month ago, my mother told me  that she wanted to be cremated. I don't know how we got on that tangent one day. I told her that I did as well.

Dad's leaving it up to us "kids" to plan the funeral. My brother and sister want a traditonal visitation at the funeral home with a graveside service in god's country, Waverly, Alabama. I am going to follow my two siblings lead and not make waves.

My parent's house is also a mayhem of madness. I took a shower and put on some dressy clothes and gulped really hard as I grabbed my steering wheel and drove over. Of course, my extroverted father was in his element. I just wanted to make an appearance and then leave. Dad made me shake everybody's hand and introduced me to everyone.

"Do you know?" I told my father last night. "If there is a god, then he's got a new secretary tonight and Jesus will have all is appointments covered."

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Life's Hurdles Can Be Hard Sometimes...

I was just over at my parent's house getting my diet Cokes and cigarillos for the day. Mom and I had a short conversation and I told her to call me if she needed me. She was complaining about her feet hurting her today. I got in my car and drove home. Well, my father just called and said my mother collapsed to the floor in her bedroom and just died. I am just shocked and stunned at the moment.

Let's Take Care of This Hunger First...
I awoke with an utter immediacy which is unlike me. Maggie was curled up beside me and looked up in angst at what I was doing. Usually, it is slow slide out of unconsciousness into the awoken world. I headed for the kitchen after putting on some shorts and tennis shoes.

I could hear the pitter patter of Maggie's feet on tile floor behind me as she followed me into the kitchen. I was looking into my fridge on the wings of  hope and a prayer that I had missed something to eat over this past week. There was one Marie's turkey pot pie, but that would take too long to cook -- eleven minutes in the microwave.. My hunger was very immediate.

What I really wanted was not in my fridge, though. I wanted a banana and there was two left on the kitchen counter quickly growing overripe. So I ate two bananas at one sitting in total gluttony.

Maggie was badgering me for a bite, but looked at me with disdain when I put a piece of banana on the floor as she sniffed it. She had her hopes set high that I was eating something she would like very much.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Negativity Fosters Negativity...

I truly believe that negativity fosters more negativity. I took a post down today that I thought was too negative -- a post about my father getting on to me for wanting a part time job. I felt it was too harsh on my father's reputation as he is a good man. He truly only wants what is best for me, but he can be a little overbearing at times.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

A Tumultuous Taco Time!
The humble hard shell taco is my mother's latest food obsession it seems. For the longest time, it was a Wendy's double stack and a Frosty.

"Do you want me to take you to get some tacos?" I kindly asked my mother on our last call.

Our Taco Hell is on hyper busy Hwy 29 and that highway is off limits for my mother to drive upon. Mom was caught in quite a taco supreme quagmire and conundrum.

She has been driving me nuts all day about going to Taco Hell and getting Tacos next Sunday for our Sunday supper. Maggie and I were trying to schedule in a nap except we were having contradictions in our schedules. I would go lay down and soon as I got settled with Maggie and comfortable in my bed my mother would call again. It was entirely maddening, but what could I do? I would hate to hurt my mother's feelings.

"What would you eat?" my mother asked me on one brief call.

"I prefer two burrito supremes," I replied to her.

"Oh, those sound good," my mother replied. "Maybe I will have that as well Sunday night."

Medicinal Care Awaits Us...

Some Men Are Growing Breasts
I really don't want to do this injection ritual this morning. I begrudgingly got in the shower and then dressed in Risperdal Consta appropriate garb (easy to pull my pants down) namely denim shorts. I will be heading to the pharmacy at 8:50 AM to be there at 9 AM. Amazingly, I was already awake when it dawned on me that my shot was today. I called my father and he confirmed it until Mom hijacked the phone to urge me onwards.

"I know you grow tired of getting that injection every two weeks," my mother told me from the bandstand.

9:10 AM -- Slow As Molasses and Impetuous Me...

First, at the pharmacy, the pharmacy tech was having trouble running my prescription through Medicare Part D. You could only submit the prescription after nine she told me. Dad finally walked up front to hand me my dose pack and we were finally off to the races. I thought I would never get the go ahead to drive to Kamath Medical.

"Can I get a candybar with my Cokes?" I eagerly asked my father before I left.

I grabbed a king sized PayDay bar off the counter. I needed a sugar rush to keep me going. Dad told the receptionist to charge my drinks and candy to his account and not mine.

Rebecca, my nurse, was running behind as well even through Dr. Kamath was at a wedding in Bombay, India for the week. That is also his hometown. Can you imagine having to fly two to three whole days to get somewhere? That certainly would do a number on my patience.

"I am so sorry this took so long," Rebecca told me hurriedly. "I was running behind getting here this morning."

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

You Only Have 30 Minutes of Sunlight Left For the Day...

I screwed up bad about the Kroger brand V-8 juice. I forgot to shake the bottle vigorously (Duh!) before pouring myself a glass. That's why it tasted so bland, watery and uninspiring. It now tastes just as awesome as regular V-8 and it saves you over a dollar and a half as well at the Kroger in Valley.

Accolades From a Stern and Stoic Fellow...

"Despite all the odds he faces, he never complains," my father told my brother last night on his cellphone. "He never complains about all the medications he has to take as well."

I was in the kitchen getting a bottle of cold water out of the fridge to take my medications with.

Well, that statement just made me beam with pride. I smiled as I stood up straight after closing my refrigerator door. I very rarely get accolades like this from my father. Very rarely! I've told my father a dozen times that you can catch more flies with honey and not with vinegar when it concerns myself. I have good days and bad days like all of us. Let's just be glad the good days outnumber the bad days by far lately.

"You've been drinking!" I told me father as I walked back in the den with my water.

"I swear I haven't," my father reparteed back letting me smell his breath.

I then asked to feel his forehead as he must be coming down with some illness. I wanted to see if he was running a fever. My father laughed nervously.

"It is just you never say much to me about my life like you just said to my brother," I told my father.

Like once in a thousand times before, my father and I took my medications and then gave Maggie fresh food and water. My father was soon on the way home after working a ten hour shift.

Food Blunders?

Remember that Kroger vegetable juice I purchased from Kroger last Monday night? Well, it is a horrible and most terrible concoction. There is not nearly enough sodium in it and it tastes watery --bereft of enough vegetables.. I was so disappointed this morning as I poured a glass along with some very spicy Kroger hot sauce and sat down in front of the computer. No wonder the $3.99 V-8 was so much more expensive than the $2.69 Kroger version.