Just Call Me Slick...

There are still a lot of slick spots on the road. I had to be really careful going over to my father's house this afternoon. Charlie hasn't worked all week -- contentedly painting his new house. He can't make it that far to Dadeville. He tried this morning to go into work and State Troopers turned him around saying a jack-knifed semi was up the road.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked my father as I plopped down in the chair in his den.

"I'm fine today, but I have been swigging Kaopectate occasionally," he replied.

"I've got the bug today," I told Old Fuss and Feathers. "I can't be too far from a bathroom."

"Damn you!" I said with a good-natured laugh. "You gave me this shit!"

Dad gave me some money to go buy some Kaopectate at Fred's. Fred's had yet another new cashier. You can't keep up with them all. It is like a revolving door. I was sure to bring the change and receipt back to him before heading home. I got some Pepto Bismal and sour Skittles candy as well making full use of the money my father gave me.

Despite being addled with a stomach bug and cramps, I was in good spirits and dad and I were laughing and joking about various things.

Looking For a Woman to Court and Spark...

I was standing in Fred's this afternoon in the checkout line. I was getting next week's allotment of hard candy and a pack of large cotton t-shirts.

"Andrew!" a voice said excitedly and loudly catching me off guard.

It was a lady named Jane I went to high school with. Oh boy, do I remember Jane. I wouldn't give her the time of day back then and she would come on so strongly sexually. I was so glad I was neatly dressed in nice clothes. I was actually presentable for yet another day.

"How are you old friend?" she asked.

"I am fine," I replied bashfully awkwardly giving her a hug. "You look really great!"

It was her turn to blush under all that makeup she was wearing. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her sometime. I meekly said I would.

"He's a good customer of ours," the nosey cashier, Wanda, chimed in boastfully interjecting her thoughts.

I said goodbye with another hug and walked out to my car kind of shaken.

You all know I won't make that phone call. I would be a nervous wreck and make a fool out of myself. The thought was nice though. She's probably married with three kids by now most likely anyway.

Yay! I Have Undies...

Captain Commando Himself!

"How much do you think underwear costs?" my father asked me a moment ago.

I had just driven to his house with undies on the brain. My dangly bits needed some support.

"I bet it is about $5 to $6 dollars a pack," I replied.

Dad gave me $20 and I headed to Fred's Super Dollar Store. I purchased two packages of Fruit of the Loom undies and brought dad the change back.

My father had me a massive care package of Christmas leftovers ready for me when I was ready to drive home. We are going to be eating good in the neighborhood tonight!

Can There Be A World Without Want?

I hadn't been in Fred's for ages until this afternoon. I was almost out of my favorite Irish Spring deodorant. I've been getting it at Kroger but forgot this week and Fred's has a much better price as well.

"How have you been honey?" the white-maned cashier asked me.

"Fair to middling I guess," I told her with a warm smile.

I was surprised to see her still working there. Their employee turnover rate is like mucho crazy.

"If you still want a job, we can put you to work."

I thanked her profusely.

"Someday, I may take you up on that offer," I told her grinning warmly.

It is nice to be wanted, you know?

I know I would have to work for it but wouldn't it be nice not having Johnny Otis looking over my shoulder with everything I spend? To buy a computer part without the Spanish Inquisition after me?

As I walked out the door of Fred's, I saw a scratch off lottery ticket on the pavement in the parking lot. Of course, I had to go pick it up and look. I understand the allure of the things. They almost won $20 dollars. That's one thing I have no inclination to do and that is to play the lottery. My father callously says the lottery is a tax on stupid people.

Whew! Happy Birthday After All!

I was so worried all these game controllers wouldn't work with my computer and their corresponding emulators. That would be $95 dollars flushed deftly down the toilet. My worries were for naught thankfully. I have almost all of my ghetto computer's USB ports brimming with game controllers and tuned to my favorite emulators. Earlier, I was playing Breath of Fire on an SNES emulator. A game I've been wanting to play for years.

George? Don't Leave Us So Soon!

George has a very strong New England accent when you talk to him. I can't quite put my finger on what region, though. I also gave him my wrought iron rocking chair and he just loves it.

"Come over here, have a beer, and we will talk for awhile," he will say to me when he catches me outside.

Well, I haven't seen George for days. I've been tempted to knock on the door but I worried what I may find. He hasn't driven to the Waffle House for his usual breakfast and his home has been so dark at night. Imagine my elation when I just saw him drive to the Circle K down the street for some more beer!

Woo Hoo! I Got an Accolade!

"I was getting my hair done today," mom said over the phone this afternoon. "Rhonda (mom's hairstylist) said your outside lights are beautiful."

Rhonda lives just down the street from me. I blushed a little bit when mom said that. Rhonda's not one to give credit when credit is not due. She is a very stoic and stern lady.

"Tell her I said a very appreciative thank you when you go back Wednesday," I replied to my mother.

"She also said she could see your Christmas tree out from the road."

I had secretly hoped in a vain moment that you could see that tree from the road.

I'm Very Cheap But I Drive a Very Fast Car...

I parked at Fred's this afternoon when a brand new Porsche pulled up beside me and parked as well. I love the deep, throaty exhaust note of those cars. I followed the very frumpy looking fellow into the store.

"Sir?" I quickly informed the man before he opened the door. "Your headlights are still on."

"They will automatically turn off in a few moments," the man replied almost haughtily.

"Do you sell earrings?" the fellow loudly asked the cashier on duty when he stepped inside.

"No," the Farah Faucet look alike said. "But there is a nice jewelry store downtown."

Retail Therapy...

Mom was calling me early today wondering if she should get back to visiting her soft tissue therapist (sports medicine).  It has been about 3 years since she last went to see Connie. Just another road traveled on my mother's hypochondria fueled highway. My father will roll his eyes when she talks about it.

"What if they don't call me back?" my mother fretted something fierce as she asked me over the phone.

She had just called them and left a message. They seem to be closed on Thursdays.

"Will you drive me to Auburn?" mom then asked me.

"They will be glad to get the business," I replied to my mother putting out a worrisome wildfire of hers that soon would escalate and spread. "And yes, I will be glad to drive you to Auburn. We will eat lunch at Chick-fil-A or Jim Bob's."

I put the phone back in its cradle and then it rung again.

"I just put your Cokes and some cigars out on the porch," mom then said. "I had to make up a batch, but they are out there."

"Thank you so much," I very appreciatively told my mother.

Fred's and Piggly Wiggly were next on my journey to get my sodas this morning. Our Piggly Wiggly is spotless compared to Kroger I noticed today. It is as neat as a pen. I got a large family sized box of frosted flakes, 2 jars of pickled sausages, and a 6 pack of Vienna sausages at the Piggly Wiggly. I then got some more ornaments for my Christmas tree at Fred's.

Fred's had yet another new cashier this morning. She must've been flexible. She was a slim motherly looking lady with bleached blonde hair.

Now, at Fred's...

We have a new cashier at Fred's Super Dollar. I noticed earlier in the week they had a sign on the door saying they were hiring and that the individual must be flexible.  She's cute as well. I'd say she is about my age with long brown hair highlighted with blonde. I call it the Farrah Faucett look.

I was there to get a certain deodorant that I've only found at Fred's in town. I also bought more clothes hangers for the laundry room. Yes, this purchase was made under the ever watchful eye of the Grand Poo Bah. I tell you. He is like Sauron atop his spire in Mordor.

Just Window Shopping...

I walked into Fred's around lunch planning to window shop some and there was already a line of customers that ended somewhere down a row in the back of the the store.

"They are going to think you are shop lifting every time yo go in that store and don't buy something," my grouchy, ill tempered father had told me just last night. "Remember? I ran a pharmacy and retail business for 47 years. When they see you sporting that homeless look, they are going to think you are a meth head."

"Shana? We need a new register open!" the new manager loudly said abruptly asked over the intercom.

I was so sad to see that Kathy had left us. She had a lot of good-natured heart in her.

A very frumpy little white woman emerged from the manager's seat getting a new line open. She was a little squat woman -- much like the pygmies and aboriginals of Sumatra and Borneo.

When I was finished finding what I fancied and partly came for, I walked up to the register and the line had thankfully halved from when I walked in. It was a short walk to my car awhile eating some ice-cream.

There is a Lot Going On In Papa's Kitchen...

"Can I take my medications early today?" I timidly asked my father  as I rolled the dice of fate over the phone this afternoon.

It was a long shot, but I had to ask anyway. My father had the ingredients for a decent afternoon or a miserable existence. I did this after the cursory phone call filled with pleasantries and greetings.

Maggie and I had just crawled out of the bed about 4pm. The withdrawal was pretty acute today for some unknown reason. I wanted to cover my head and sleep the day away, but my circadian rhythms decided it was time to wake up for another day.

"Give me fifteen minutes so I have time to get home," my father said leaving Kroger. "And we will get you fixed up."

Dad said he was cooking his pork chops and Campbell's chicken and rice soup concoction. It is always delicious and he said himself or Charlie would bring me by a plate tonight.

I was astonished that was so easy. There were no gnashing of teeth and hard questions to answer. It was a simple phone call and a drive over to get my medications. Everybody was glad to see me.

As I drove to my parents, I noticed Fred's Super Dollar was crazy busy -- tons of cars in the parking lot. I was going to stop for some Johnny Otis sanctioned cashew bits and peices but decided to forego Fred's after seeing that.

It's Hell On Earth Today...

https://whisper.sh

"Let's get out of the house," I told myself this afternoon with a touch of cabin fever. "You've been a homebody all week."

On the bed in the computer room, Maggie was warily watching my every move. "Just what in the hell is he doing?" Maggie got lucky today as she had an appointment at the small animal clinic for a follow up visit. I just couldn't do all that today. Dad didn't balk when I told him I couldn't go. He was supposed to go with me along with a psychiatrist's visit.

"I will call one of the vet. techs," my father told me saving me from having to use the phone.

I slept until almost 2pm today. One symptom of my mental illness cycling is that my circadian clock goes haywire.

I walked out of the house and walked to the car. It was so hot it was stifling. I was going to go to Fred's Super Dollar and window shop for a while.  I walked back inside and decided that window shopping was for another day.  When I walked back inside, I looked at the temperature on my wireless weather station and it read 98° degrees.

Hot As Hades...

https://www.hy-vee.com

I stepped out of the house 45 minutes ago and I heard a familiar, "Hey Bud!" It was George on his carport sitting outside in this oppressively stifling heat.

"Aren't you hot?" I asked George after the initial pleasantries.

I was standing by my car fixing to roll out. It was 95 degrees outside today.

"I love this kind of weather!" he quipped with a Cheshire grin.

"Where are you going?" George then nosily asked.

"I am driving over to my parent's house and get my daily sodas," I told George.

This intrigues him.

"When you come back then maybe we can have a cold beer," George replied.

I saw him pull open his cooler and he pulled out another Miller High Life cracking it open with that distinctive sound only a beer can makes.

I was also heading to Fred's Super Dollar to gather up some snacks to eat in this house. My mother was funding this venture. We are about out of anything edible in Andrew's Casa. I was craving salted cashews and expensive Cheez-Its.

"I don't drink beer," I told George for the 5th time, "But I will have a cold Coca-Cola in just a few moments."

Assistant Sleuth Andrew...

http://crack-rock-steady-japan.blogspot.com

I was at Fred's at lunchtime. I was bored and decided a little retail therapy was in order. I mainly only wanted a can of salted cashews and some Vienna sausages.  I also decided on impulse to buy a $1.75 24 pack of diphenhydramine HCL to numb this empty feeling I was experiencing. It was just one of those days. I was feeling rough and needed my weekly fix. It is the same sleep-inducing ingredient in all those Tylenol PM, Advil PM, and Aleve PM type medications. It doesn't make me sleepy, though. I just feel calm and relaxed.

I walked into the pharmaceuticals aisle and there was this really nervous white fellow with sandy blonde hair looking all about and he was also distressed by my presence. He was getting a five finger discount. I saw him pick up a 100ct bottle of allergy medication and act like he was reading the label.

"That guy coming out of the pharmaceutical aisle is stealing," I told Kathy who was manning the cash register today.

"Are you sure?" she asked me alarmed as she rung me up.

"Yeah, I am pretty sure," I replied. "If he leaves without buying anything, then you know he shoplifted. He is also wearing a hoodie on an 86° degree day. That's another good sign."

I didn't stick around for the outcome as the guy was taking his time. I am pretty sure he was stealing, though.

Spiraling Down Out of the Sky Shot Down in Flames...

Mom called me this morning and said Fred's Super Dollar was having a sale on boxes of Cheez-Its. Mom and I both love Cheez-Its like her mother before her. I hurried over to Fred's to get a few boxes of that cheesy treat before they sold out.  It turned out to be an interesting trip. My favorite female clerk was on duty and she was dressed to the nines. She really is a snazzy dresser. She also has a super sunny disposition.

I stepped up to the counter with two large boxes of Cheez-Its and very boldly asked, "You're just plain gorgeous. Would you like to go out to dinner some night?"

She wasn't wearing a wedding ring that I could see.

"Honey, I am married," She said blushing, "But I am extremely flattered."

I went spiraling down out of the sky shot down in flames big time. Dad will just love to hear about this tonight. I felt so very embarrassed.  With my social phobias, it is amazing I even asked. You'll never know unless you try, though, I have learned about life. I guess all the good girls are taken by the time you get my age. I also think most women can sniff out the crazies like me. lol

On the Bright Side of Life...

Remember that $49 dollar pair of refurbished speakers that I got for my birthday? They normally go for $100 and I thought I was getting an awesome bargain until I got them hooked up and one speaker had terrible feedback.  I took the speaker apart and the polarity of the wires was wrong. I quickly changed the positive and negative wires and now they sound beautiful. I was so excited. I said, "YES!" really loudly and Maggie came walking in here trepidatiously to see what was wrong.

The Flirt...

I don't take much diphenhydramine these days, but today is one of those days that I needed it. It's great for slowing my mind and making me sleepy and restful. Fred's Super Dollar has a 24 pack of Fred's brand pills for $1.75 -- one of the best prices on that medication in the Valley.

We had a new cashier today. She was wearing a beautifully hued turquoise top with black pants and sandy colored sandals. She was also rather plump which I find attractive in a woman.

"That top looks so colorful and beautiful," I told her as she rang up my item.

I quickly diverted my eyes from her buxom chest.

"Why thank you!" she said as she blushed. "I've had two people already tell me that today."

It accentuated her ebony colored hair.

"Is he giving you trouble?" Kathy asked with a smile as she walked over to our register.

I laughed and the clerk smiled. Kathy was joking as I am one of her regulars.

I then ran by my parent's house just up the street to get my sodas and some cigars when I left Fred's. My father had called me earlier and told me they were out on the porch. He didn't want me to wake up my mother to get them.

Barking Up the Vanity Tree...

I was sitting at this humble computer when Charlie pulled up to the curb with breakfast around 9:30 am. A big grin formed on my face. I was starving.

"Charlie's here!" I hollered loudly as Maggie came flying off the bed to go greet him.

"Hows my hair look?" Charlie vainly asked as he walked across my front yard.

The wind was blowing it all about his head -- what little of hair he has.

"You need a nice combover like Donald Trump," I replied trying not to crack up with a smile. "I've got some hairspray in the bathroom that will get you all fixed up."

"Shutup!" Charlie said as he was laughing.

Yeah, those were some mighty fine bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits from Mickey D's this morning. Maggie relished hers as well. The giant Coke with no ice was the creme de la creme.

image credit: https://notionscapital.wordpress.com/tag/ted-cruz/

Wha? Easter?

I didn't even know it was easter until Charlie told me. I am pretty content to sit out this holiday.
My revelry will probably be driving to Fred's and buying some half-off Easter candy on sale today.

Epicurean Curiosity...

I wonder what delicious food they are now eating at the dinner party? Charlie said he was going to fix me a big plate of food and bring it to me after the party is over. I hope it is just piled high with delicious offerings. I expect him around 10 pm tonight as he will be in charge of cleanup operations as he always is.

Have any of you ever heard of a ribeye roast? I am intrigued that it may be a roast made out of true ribeye steaks. Janice, Charlie's wife, is also bringing her macaroni and cheese casserole. Swoons! I do know one person is bringing homemade yeast rolls as well. Double swoon!

image credit: http://wonderingfair.com/2010/12/03/dinner-party-grace/

10 Minutes to Closing...

I was just at Fred's Super Dollar Store. I had to have another container of those delectable roasted and salted pecans. I walked into a pretty much empty store. One wild looking fellow was purchasing a quart of motor oil.

"Andrew?" Elsie asked to get my attention. "We are closing in ten minutes."

"I will be long gone before then," I told her with a smile.

Nothing's better than locking those doors and getting off after a hard day's work.

Now, if you want a late night dollar store experience, you have to ride across the river to Dollar General. They stay open until 10 pm.

image credit: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Planters-Roasted-Pecans-7.25-oz/20435163

Out of the Gate Running...

There were some drowsy times last night at Casa de Andrew. I fell asleep in my recliner about 11 am or midnight and slept a few hours. I fell asleep again until almost 4:00 am and decided to just go to bed. I awoke at 12:00 pm this afternoon refreshed and energized. I was hoping to get some good emulation gaming time in last night, but alas, the stars were just not aligned right. I finally figured how to get my Playstation 2 emulator up and running after much gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair. I was chomping at the bit to play some Final Fantasy games.

Dad was complaining that my kitchen was a little messy last night. I said instead of criticizing me, then try to help me. I needed some paper towels as I am out of usable dish rags as we always called them.  Well, mom called after lunch and told me to come pick up a big packet of paper towels.

Dad was preparing candles for the dinner party on Sunday when I arrived. A lady and friend of the family was on her way to help coordinate the efforts -- a glorified interior decorator. Dad was talking about how my mother and I are royalty. I told him if we were royalty, then he was the King! He calls all the shots and runs my mother's and my life. I told him I was more of a court jester -- a trifle more to be pitied and laughed at.

While I was out, I ran into Fred's which resides just down the street from my parent's house. They had yet another new cashier and I asked her name.

"Elsie," she said shyly.

"My name is Andrew," I replied.

She was another frumpy looking middle-aged white lady. Kathy, the manager, was sitting inside what I call her throne -- a very raised booth where she can see all of the store from her perch. It looks like a large hockey penalty box. I waved as I passed by headed for the section with the mixed nuts and soft drinks. I got a tin of salted and roasted pecans and headed home.

Confusion...

I was confused by Pipe Tobacco's assumption that my father wanted me to quit smoking. He worried when I quit and often tried to put a few packs in with my daily Cokes. He had read that almost 95% of schizophrenics smoked and that playing into the same brain chemistry that was malfunctioning. He was full well prepared to pay the lofty price of cigarettes to help in some sort of way.

I Like Shopping...

Your Walking On Thin Ice Pops...

Mom and I just came to the consensus that my father's wine imbibing is causing the forgetfulness.

"He's had a lot of wine since last week," mom told me over the phone.

Drinking the wine doesn't make me feel better, but not getting Alzheimer's does.

My Trip to The Pig and Fred's...

I've just had a little shopping foray and it was fun.  The Piggly Wiggly sure was busy, though. I wanted some Penrose pickled sausages and some mixed nuts at Fred's. I kept thinking The Pig was out of sausages, but they just moved them. A cheery clerk helped me with that.

"Your daddy's going to get on to you for these shopping trips," my mother told me on the phone later.

"Oh hell, let him be mad," I said to my mother with a laugh. "He ought to be glad that's all I am getting and it was under ten dollars."

Dad thinks the worst -- that I am getting Benadryl at Fred's. The 100ct. bottle of Benadryl is only a little over $4 dollars there.

"You would see it in my behavior!" I told him. "I would be drunk all the time!"

Next, I walked down to Fred's past the place that Big S always sat and panhandled. I greeted a new clerk, a frumpy looking black lady, as I walked by. The turn around on clerks at this store is just dizzying.

It is hard not to impulse buy in Fred's. They had 2 liters of grape soda on sale for .99 cents.

An Old Memory of George...

George and I were sitting in his dilapidated old Dodge Diplomat smoking cigarillos and drinking beer.  Ferret and Big S were sitting on the bench in front of the Piggly Wiggly. They were hitting people up for money. The Manager came outside and told Ferret and Big S they were going to have to move -- that customers were complaining.

George stood up out of his car and said to the manager, "You gotcha an infestation of niggas! Better call the exterminator."

George is African American so he could get away with saying the N word.

Much hilarity was had. I just died and busted out laughing. George's antics could always make me smile.

Be My Valentine...

I've decided I am going to get Laura a nice card and some chocolates for Valentine's Sunday. Mom and I are going out to eat tomorrow night at Captain D's and I hope to run by my father's former pharmacy and charge it to my account. Mom didn't know we were going out Sunday and she thought that was very interesting. She started to ask me a dozen questions about my date.

"Aren't you nervous?" my mother asked me.

"Laura is as down to earth as they get," I replied to my mother. "I feel comfortable around her."

Don't Tempt Me Kathy!

I was just over at Fred's before they closed to get some more Irish Spring Speedstick deodorant.  Kathy, the head manager, offered me a job.

"I can put you to work in the morning," she told me after I told her I managed a tropical fish department at a pet store years ago and had retail experience.

"I will think about it," I told her as we wrapped up our small talk.

I don't dare tell my father this when he comes over for the medication ritual. It will worry him and freak him out!

"Don't you dare take that job and screw up your disability and health insurance," I can hear him tell me now.

Dearest Maggie...

Sweetheart, you need to get an exterminator. You have made just about every rude, loud and snuffling noise you can make trying to get at that one little cootie on your posterior. I know you have to be exhausted by now.

Thank You, Freds!

My nose is running.  Will somebody go catch it? HA!

I feel like I am coming down with something.  I haven't had a cold or the flu for years and years. My nose keeps running so I drove to Fred's awhile ago to get something to take to stop such leakage. The gods must've listened to me as Fred's Super Dollar was busy and they had two cashiers open.  I was in and out in a flash and was thoroughly pleased with my shopping experience.

On second thought, over-the-counter pharmaceuticals are expensive.  I should've just called my father and had him bring the medicine with him when he arrives for the medication ritual tonight.  There would be a 50/50 chance he would forget, though, and I needed instant relief. My nose is raw from wiping it so much and fighting off the deluge.

It's Good to Have a Secretary...

I just called mom and said, "I love you and thank you for everything you do."

She deserves it! She had called me earlier when I got home to tell me my sodas were on the back porch. I got in the car and headed out once again. She gave me a bunch of diet Sunkist in this allotment of sodas and they are delicious. I am sipping on an ice cold Sunkist right now. She didn't believe me when I told her they have caffeine.

"My healthcare calendar is showing you are due for your injection Thursday," she told me.

"Dad called me early this morning to let me know or to warn me," I replied back.

I thanked her for watching my back as they sometimes say.