Free at last! Free at Last!

Well, I got a call late last night before work. I was fixing my lunch and had just finished ironing my khaki pants.  It was Mrs. Florene.  They had just arrived home from Atmore.  It was a long day she said fraught with worry and anticipation – a nerve wracking process that I was somewhat relieved that I didn’t have to experience.  It was the first time she had seen George in months.

“So, what’s the news?” I asked excitedly and with great trepidation.  I had been waiting all day.  I had trouble sleeping for worrying myself.  I am just exhausted tonight at work.

“George got parole!” Mrs. Florene exclaimed, almost starting to cry.

According to Mrs. Florene, George is to be transported to a county jail today to be fitted with an ankle alcohol monitoring device which he will have to wear for six months and to be set up with his parole officer, and then he will be set free on his own recognizance.  Monte and Mrs. Florene are going to drive to Lafayette to pick him up late this afternoon.

I know George, and the first thing he will want is a Swisher’s Sweet cigar.  He will also want his favorite meal cooked by his mother.  I can’t imagine being locked up so long and the elation he must feel at getting out.  It is going to be a long day today until they set him free. 

George is going to be thrown into the fray upon arriving home.  He starts work bright and early Monday morning.  I talked to my old supervisor last night on the phone before I left for work to give her the good news.  She needs him now and needs him badly – the part-time guy almost ready to quit who is working my old job.  I hope George doesn’t let me down.  I really went out on a limb with getting him my old position.

I can’t express the joy I am feeling right now in words on this blog.  We all here in the Valley have been waiting a long time for this moment.  It will be the first time I have seen George in going on a year it seems.  I am going to give him a big hug much to his chagrin and bring him a pack of his most favorite expensive cigars!

Busy Night at Work…

I clocked in at 10:50pm and immediately put on my smock.  It had been a busy day in electronics and all the shelves and displays were a mess much to my dismay.  I started to get to work getting everything neat and organized again.  I’ve also had a lot of stocking to do tonight and just have caught up. 

Jim stopped by as usual foregoing the registers upfront for my quiet little corner of Walmart.  He always buys the same deli sandwich and an orange juice. We got in a heated discussion over the burning of the Qur'an.  He felt it was in that crazy preacher’s first amendment rights to burn the holy text of Muslims.  I thought it was religious bigotry and the same small minded idiocy that blacks faced during the civil rights movement in the sixties. We just chose to disagree and I thought a black man would have a more open mind about such matters after the opposition blacks faced with integration in the South. I was surprised when Jim said Islam was a religion of violence.  I guess he has never read the Old Testament.

After about three, I could rest and relax some at work – my time to goof off.  The New Zealanders were busy on twitter posting lots of vapid stuff which Twitter is renowned for.  I also spent some time playing some Wii games at our Wii display.  I own a Wii, but would never pay $50 dollars for a game for which I maybe will only play a few times at most.  I am just not interested in video games these days to the point I would buy them.  I am mainly intrigued with the popular culture and fervor which surround these games lately – a multi-billion dollar industry.  We sell a lot of games and game systems at work – people, often adults, spending hundreds of dollars at a time on this stuff.

Well, it is after 5am and the early morning grocery crowd is already arriving.  I can hear the beep of the point of sales up front as items are being rung up.  Soon, a few will meander into my department and I will have to put on my working persona and greet the customers.  “How can I help you this morning?” I will say with my most earnest smile.        

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Move Along…

One of my favorite blogs for years was The Homeless Guy.  Being formerly homeless, I was all too keenly and acutely interested in all things homeless.   Kevin Barbieux, The Homeless Guy, gave up writing his blog for the most part and took up a home on Facebook.  Well, you are not missing anything if you fear you can’t read him on Facebook as he rabidly controls who can be his “friends”.  He exemplifies what I so dislike about Facebook – that the medium is full of mindless blurbs with no substance.  Long gone are the interesting essays Kevin used to write for his blog – essays that would make you think even though you might disagree.  I have later learned as I have grown as a person that the guy is a complete idiot, but I still find him fascinating to a degree.  I gave up on Facebook altogether though and haven’t missed it.  I gave up on Twitter as well finding it all ME, ME, ME!  People were falling all over their selves to be interesting on Twitter.  Do I do this on my blog to a degree?  I don’t know, but it just made me think. 

Blogging Habits…

My life has centered around my home theater lately.  It is my new obsession and so has my internet usage changed.  I am usually browsing and reading blogs with my Wii these days and not the computer.  I just find it much more convenient.  I really need more good blogs to read though.  I read about a dozen and it can be excruciating waiting for my friends to update.  I realize many of these people have more lives than me and can’t just update all day.   I love blogs that update frequently and these are becoming incredibly increasingly rare.  If you have any good blogs you would like to recommend just drop them in the comments and I will check them out.  Give me blogs you just can’t live without.  I also want Joy Heather’s blog address.  I haven’t heard from her much lately and it is worrying me.  I am worried she is feeling under the weather.  Do any of you know about her?

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

You Just Gotta Laugh…

Imagine my excitement a moment ago when I found a twitterer who was following countless doctors of psychiatry.  Much following ensued.  I was excited to hear what these doctors had to say.  I wanted to hear about their practices.  The medications they prescribe.  Their feelings on being doctors of psychiatry.  Much to my chagrin, they turned out to be the most egregious group of Twitter link linkers I have ever encountered.  They were posting all these countless links that had no merit towards me and my mental illness.  Unfollowing ensued fast.  I was so disappointed.  I thought I had found the mother lode for mental health on Twitter.  Instead, I get a bunch of doctors posting countless and useless links to articles about psychiatry and mental illness.  I can look for and find that stuff on Google myself in my own time.  I wanted to hear personal things – wanting to get to know the doctors and develop a report.  Oh well, you just gotta laugh.  I am slowly learning my way around Twitter still it seems.

Restlessness…

I am feeling some discomfort this afternoon mentally.  My injection is again well near being this Tuesday.  I feel restless and uneasy  -- this feeling of doom and dread overcoming me.  I just called mom to talk about it, but she was out of it and couldn’t speak long or coherently.  I moved my bed again so I could lie down and use this computer.  That seems to help.  I am prescribed extra Risperdal – twenty to be exact just for these occasions.  I just can’t call dad and ask for them though.  He suspects I will abuse them – one of the many dangers of crying wolf once too often just to get a buzz from my medications.  I will soldier through, though, as I always do and eagerly await Tuesday.  Tuesday will be a day of euphoria and I can’t wait – to feel that high giddiness and to feel my version of normal for a day.  The calm comfort of another two weeks of slow release antipsychotic medication.

I’ve actually been doing so well lately and it’s been nice.  Today’s uneasiness is nothing compared to the mental torture I would experience on a daily basis just a year ago.  We seem to have found a comfortable stasis with my medication regime.  I have to remember it’s all relative.  It is easy to let my discomfort get the better of me not remembering the past.  This is a walk in the park. 

Well, I am off to eat my supper of lasagna and read for several hours.  I finished Gone with the Wind last night and will start another book of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  I have really enjoyed that series, but each book gets less enjoyable than the last.  You can tell she was running out of words at the end.  Good night dear friends and I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow.   It’s Friday – the front porch of the weekend.  

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

A Tarnished Twitterer…

I am quickly becoming un-enamored with Twitter.  It seems everyone on there is an attention whore.  I am guilty of it myself looking for replies in what I write.  I don’t want to be that kind of person – seeking attention at the sake of my dignity.  Most people talk about wildly uninteresting things to me.  TV. Pop culture.  Obscure and crappy music.  Etc.  I unfollowed over 200 people yesterday in my quest to make my twitter stream a better place. Tonight, I didn’t even open Twhirl and join in.  All the Kiwis post this time of night and they seem to only talk about New Zealand pop culture and television.  I want to get to know a person.  I want someone to share some feeling and emotion with me.  I have found this sort of thing is very few and far between.  Oh, Facebook and now Twitter have fallen to the wayside.  Will any social media other than blogging suit me?

A Straight Water Convert…

This is a very interesting new occurrence for me.  I was compulsively drinking just gallons and gallons of sugar free Wal-Mart orange drink.  I ran out and mom was out of town so I couldn’t get more so I started to just drink water.  I have a big two gallon glass container and I fill it with ice and water.  The water has to be ice cold for me to drink it.  This is just amazing and I think it will be healthier for me.  I am not ingesting all that Nutrasweet.  I am actually really enjoying the ice water much to my surprise.  I thought I would find it lacking.  I have never been able to drink water and have drank tea and sodas all my life. 

George Update…

Mrs. Florene called me late last night telling me George was denied bail by the judge during his afternoon hearing.  This means he will have to sit in jail until his court date in a few weeks.  This also meant he lost his job.  I am very saddened by that.  George had such a good for him and a good paying job.  It had made such a big difference in the quality of life for him and his mother.  Now, Mrs. Florene will have to go back to faring off of her Social Security.  I will worry about her.  I wish I could wave a wand and fix it all.  My father is a fixer and likes to fix everything including me.  It has rubbed off on me over the years.

This is so Novel for Me!

Picture this!  I am sitting on my porch in the sunshine.  I have my new wireless laptop in my lap.  I am blogging on my porch!  How novel is that?  I am also Twittering and catching up on my favorite blogs I have begun to read again. Hello Pipe Tobacco! :-)  This is so much fun!  I don’t want this day to end.  It is the perfect moment. 

My Thoughts for the Day…

I had an old grade school friend visit the house yesterday.  He didn’t recognize me, but I recognized him.  He was a social outcast in school and had a terrible stuttering problem.  I felt for him as he still stuttered something terrible yesterday.   He wanted to cut my grass and my heart went out to him.  He looked so poor – like dirt poor.  I didn’t have a dollar to my name, but offered for him to come inside and have a soda.  He looked hot and was sweating profusely.  “Gotta find some yards to cut.  I need money badly,” he promptly replied and left.  His name was Jeff.  I would have given him the shirt off my back if he needed it. I just couldn’t give him any money.  The joys of my economy. 

Computer Stuff…

I went on a wild search for an unlocked bios for my gaming computer’s video card.  With the luck of Google, I found it! I flashed the bios and overclocked my video card till I had artifacts and backed it off some.  I am now running at GTX levels and that card was $200 dollars more expensive than mine.  Ah, the joys of overclocking – getting power for free.

Fun With Dad…

Dad was excited last night because I cleaned my house when he brought my medications.

“Let me look at every room!” he said walking throughout the house. “This is just wonderful. Won’t you sleep better tonight with a clean house?”

I blushed, but loved the positive attention.  We then took my meds, fed Maggie, and sat down to talk for the day.  I told dad how excited I was to talk to my high school friend Dori and to read her blog.  Our class reunion is coming up July 17th and dad asked me if I was going.

“I’d rather be drawn and quartered,” I replied. “I didn’t like most of those people when I was in high school and I doubt they’ve changed much since then.”

Dad told me I had a terrible attitude about the whole affair.  I just laughed it off.  I really don’t want to go.  It would be social anxiety hell. 

Becoming a Twitter Lover…

I am really enjoying Twitter! As with anything, you get out of it what you put into it.  I am chatting with people all over the world! The UK. Australia. New Zealand. Germany.  I had a woman send me a message this morning that the Chinese food in Australia was rubbish and they don’t even give you an eggroll.  i laughed and wrote back that I was going to express mail her some eggrolls.

I also had an interaction with a guy named ThatNeilGuy and it miffed me.  I had wrote I hated the dealsplus posts everybody does and that I would unfollow anyone who did it, and he started sending me dealsplus retweets.  I couldn't decide if he was kidding or serious.  i just laughed in my usual kind way and tried to play along.  I love his tweets and would hate to unfollow him. 

There is another lady I am so connected with right now.  She’s had breast cancer and a double mastectomy and just hates God and blames him for her woes.  I can so understand how she feels with my own trials and tribulations with schizophrenia.  There was a time in my life I abhorred religion and God – blaming him for all my problems – that he was mean and unjust.  I just couldn’t understand how a loving and kind God would allow such an abomination to happen.   I just listen to her tweets and try to be supportive.  I don’t preach or try to sway her back to the light.  Live and learn as the old saying goes.  

My Thoughts for the Day…

Computer Stuff…

My Twitter/email/TV computer started restarting randomly yesterday.  I was stumped until I changed the power supply from 300 watts to a 430 watt power supply. It is running fine now.  The overclock was causing the motherboard to use more “juice” and it wasn’t getting enough power.  I love trouble shooting this sort of thing.  I really should get a job working on computers.  Most people don’t know this, but I am A+ certified to repair PCs.  I took the exam in Montgomery, Al. years ago and it cost $250 dollars to take it which I thought was a racket. 

Mental Illness Update for the Day…

I am feeling very mentally well today.  I woke up in very good spirits.  I am still having those periods of euphoria, but they will soon pass as my body becomes acclimated to this new high level of medications.  I was on 25mg a day and now it is double to 50mg a day.  I still grow very tired at the end of the day, though.  I was in the bed by eight last night and slept until 5am this morning.

The Stigma of Mental Illness…

I am in a long running conversation with a lady on Twitter about the stigmas of mental illness.  It is true most of us hide our disease when it would be perfectly acceptable to tell employers, friends, and family we had cancer or the flu.  She feels more people die unduly to mental illness due to this stigma.  She is probably right.  I am in the position where I don’t work and frankly have grown tired of hiding my illness over the years.  I want to reach out to others with my same problems and realized I had to speak out to do this.  I really don’t consider myself an advocate per se, but do want to reach out and talk.  It is actually incredibly hard to find others with mental illness in these social media outlets due to the stigma involved. I have found two people with schizophrenia on Twitter after countless searches and only one on Facebook. 

Twitter Idiosyncrasies…

• The #amwriting people: People who are always writing about writing, but never write anything interesting.  They always use the #amwriting hashtag and encourage you to use it too.  Write about your life. Your dog. Anything other than just writing about writing.  I want to get to know you and that is why I followed you. 
• Link posters: People who clutter up the Twitter stream with endless links to things they think are interesting.  These links are only interesting to them.  They insistently want you to be interested as well.  Sigh.
• The “I may win” retweeters:  People who retweet that dealsplus or other retweet to win crap hoping they will win an Apple product or other assorted junk.  It is the scourge of Twitter.  You are not going to win an Apple product I assure you and you are cluttering up the Twittersphere. 
• The 4square twitterers:  These people think visiting the Chevron is great and they want you to know they’ve been there as well.  If you visit the gas station enough, you get to be “mayor” of Chevron.  Your first bit of legislation as mayor should be to ban tweeting about visiting Chevron!
• Follow Friday: I don’t like this.  People tweet endless lists of people to follow.  I’ve followed them to join in on the spirit of the game and was met with a bunch of uninteresting people, people that never tweet, or Internet marketers.  Tweet the most interesting person you follow and let that be it.  I will follow and enjoy!

Thoughts for the Day…

Schizophrenia saved me in a way.  I know it’s ironic, but schizophrenia saved my addictive personality ass from doing hardcore drugs.  I would probably be dead now if I got hooked on crack, meth or prescription pain killers.  I was always too paranoid of the police and was always too lazy and paranoid to go through the hassle of getting all that money for the drugs and dealing with drug dealers.   Alcohol was a depressant.  It subdued my mental illness symptoms.   Most days of my drinking career would be spent in a mellow stupor.  Alcohol was cheap in a relative sense – a 12 pack of ice beer being only $6.99 and a good drunk at that.  It was also just a convenience store away.

Genius is genius…

I discovered Apple’s iTunes Genius feature last night.  I will never go back to regular radio again.  I had hours of almost unlimited varied music due to my extensive mp3 library.  I stayed up way too late last night lying on the bed with Maggie listening to good and interesting music.   It was like I had rediscovered my music library all over again.  I heard songs I never knew I owned. 

Twittering…

I’ve rediscovered Twitter again in earnest after about a year’s absence from that social media.  It really helps to have a lot of interesting people to follow, but you have to separate the wheat from the chaff so to speak.  I find people who I like and then follow the people they follow.  It then takes a few days to follow their tweets and unfollow the motivational quote quoters and the Internet business marketing guru types.   I also hate the constant link linkers.  I have to unfollow them as well.  I want to hear about your day or what interests you that interests me.   Interestingly, I have found the people that claim to be writers are the worst twitterers.  They spend all their time writing about the art of writing and never actually do any interesting writing – nothing creative or interesting at all.  I have had to unfollow dozens and dozens of so called writers for their completely insipid tweets.   

The Poisoned Apple…

One comforting aspect of George’s drinking over the years was that I always knew I could get a drink if I needed one.  I could call George and he would be over in fifteen minutes with a case of beer thrilled to have the old times back.   Now?  Dad would be more likely to buy me a beer than George.  For some reason, this bothers me, and has for weeks.   I guess that old saying about you always want what you can’t have is true.  The same goes for my Diet Cokes.  I never thought much about Diet Cokes in my younger years.  I could always just drive to the store and buy some.  Now, I am obsessed.  I am only allowed six a day (three are caffeine free) and it drives me crazy.  Dad and I got in a fight over them last night.  He says I get “high” off of them.

Well, this morning I have been researching “hooch” or “prison hooch”.  This is my addictive personality at work.  Mom is buying me lots and lots of fruit these days and my addictive mind thought, “Hey! I could turn this bounty into alcohol!”  Yeast would be the problem.  I would have to orchestrate an elaborate ruse to get mom to buy me yeast.  I would have to buy buttermilk or milk, flour, baking powder, and act like I was baking things.  The recipes are all so varied as well.  Some even call for well worn dirty socks or underwear in place of yeast in the “prison hooch” recipes where yeast would be impossible to obtain.   Ah, the Internet; where you can find anything if you just know where to look.

Six Miles Under My Belt This Morning…

Maggie and I were passing the old cotton mill this morning when I thought, “You know? I wouldn’t go through all this if it wasn’t for this little dog!”  It’s true.  I wouldn’t walk if it wasn’t for Maggie.  I would be at home ensconced in my warm “command center” reading books, playing video games, or browsing the Internet.  I froze my ass off today and kept longing for a pair of warm gloves.  My hands were just extremely uncomfortably freezing today. 

When I got home, I thought of calling mom and putting into motion getting a pair of gloves today.   Putting into motion is a good way to describe it as it would be an elaborate process.   But then I decided not to.  It would be too complicated and it would get mom in a stir.  Mom is obsessive compulsive like me and takes such matters extremely seriously; insanely seriously.  She would have to drive by my father’s pharmacy to get a check from my account.  Drive to Wal-Mart.  Call me three times about the sizes.  And then finally purchase me a pair all the while fretting for hours worried if they would fit and if they didn’t having to return them.  

Anyways, Maggie loves her walks.  I wish you could all see how excited she gets when I pull out the leash.  It is like a little kid getting to go to the fabled Disney World every time, and it happens every day when it is not raining.  I do it for her, and I guess it is good for me.  I used to walk with a passion.  A zest.  Now?  I just go through the motions kind of like having sex after you’ve been married for twenty years.

I Want this Person in my Life…

I’ve been following this woman on Twitter for weeks now.  I love her tweets.  She’s an incredible person.  She writes on Twitter like my favorite blog author wrote on her now defunct blog; everyday mundane stuff that I just eat up.  I want to get to know a person and hear about their days.   I eat up the minutia of life of someone I’m interested in.  I realized a few days ago that I wanted this person in my life and I also realized this was the first time in my life I’ve felt that way before.  People have always just chosen to have me in their lives.  I have never purposely pursued a relationship this way before.  It is nothing sexual.  I just want a friend. 

Well, I have been commenting on her blog cautiously and tweeting back some.  I am not very good at all this so this is an undiscovered country for me.  How do you make someone your friend?  Is it chance?  Or is there some chemistry involved?  If she reads my blog then she will probably run the other direction as fast as she can! LOL

Twitter - The Double Edged Sword...

I can't remember how long I've been using Twitter.  At least a year now I think.  Initially, I found most of the people I follow through The Homeless Guy.  Meaning they lived in Nashville.  So when the Tennessee Titans played, I got mainly NFL theme Twitters.  That was a drag and a small minority of Nashvillians who twitted a lot filled my Twitter screen.  That got old quick.  

I mainly wanted a way to micro blog.  I didn't much care for the social chat aspects.  I just wanted to share what was going on in between the lines of my meatier blog posts.  You will find people that spend all day using Twitter as a chat client.  Tiresome to me. I wanted to be able to Twit about Maggie and not take up a whole blog post to do it.

Lately, I found Amy Palko from Scotland.  She's a busy Twitter person and her following just continues to grow.  I checked out her followers and found all kinds of new and interesting people to follow.  My Twitter tweets went from mundane to interesting overnight.  Now, I am hearing about the Alps, or holidays in Spain.  The weather in Britain, and life overseas.  Twitter is interesting again to me and I needed it.  I was about to quit, tired of my Nashville following.