Just Another Social and Mental Casualty…

Not quite! This old dog is not down for the count just yet! My loved ones really rallied around me today. Dad just called this afternoon and asked how I was feeling. It’s not like him to call from work so it was very, very special for him to do so.

“I was just so worried about you this morning. You were like a zombie!” he exclaimed. “I was afraid you shouldn't be driving. I kept waiting for a call you had been in a car wreck.”

“I took a long four hour nap when I got home and I woke up a brand new man,” I replied to him. “My medications kicked in while I was asleep.”

Soon, my girl with the curls and the curves walked in the front door.

“You’re like a completely different person today,” Tracy said relieved when she got home from work earlier.

“We need to get you extra medications to take the day before your injection,” she also said to me and I agreed.

I told her we would talk to my psychiatrist soon.

I was mentally perky and very socially amicable this afternoon. I had also straightened up the house and had us some supper on the stove. Tracy hugged me a long time and told me she doesn’t like to see me hurting or in distress. It melted my heart and I hugged her ever tighter.   

With Trembling Hands He Goes Forth…

“Your hands are trembling,” my father said as we met down an aisle in Kroger this afternoon.

“I am a little overwhelmed by the crowd of folks in here,” I replied of a very busy Kroger.

“Now you see why I insist on going around nine at night,” he told me.

Dad was just getting back in town and called me to meet him at Kroger to buy our groceries. He had been at my brother’s house watching Auburn win a bowl game. He was very excited and overjoyed at the win.

“War Eagle!” he said to me. “Come on, let’s get you checked out and home safe and sound.”

I followed my father up front and soon we were walking to our cars.

“You, after all these years, still have trouble in social situations. Don’t you?” he asked as we walked.

“It gets to me at times, but at least I can muddle on through in these later years,” I told him. “Used to, I wouldn’t allow myself to be put in these kinds of situations.”

I got lots of good food tonight and spent over eighty dollars. Tracy and I are having grilled hamburgers and hot dogs New Year’s Day. The ribeye's were $8.99 a pound and that was too rich for my blood. Time to dust off and clean the grill sitting in the basement. I just hope the weather cooperates.  

All Moved (Pooped) Out...

Yesterday, I got dad's and Charlie's Ford truck and began to pack and move boxes of housewares from Charlie's old house to Charlie's new house. Charlie's nephew helped me on quite a few trips. Social anxiety reared its ugly head, unfortunately. I was having a terrible time with small talk yesterday and it felt so awkward. I was content moving stuff alone.

"Charlie! You have a shitload of stuff!" I told him. "I have never seen so many knick-knacks in my life."

Charlie laughed and told me there was more to come.

It was nightfall when I told Charlie I was literally calling it a night and I headed home. I didn't realize how much work I did yesterday until I awoke very sore this morning.

I drove back to Charlie's house early this morning to see if there was more I could do. Janice cooked us a big breakfast and Charlie told me to head home -- that I had done enough. Charlie still had to drive down to McDonald's and get Horsefly's sausage biscuit as he does every morning. I can't say I wasn't glad to hear I wasn't needed. I was still tired and sore from the day before.

"I will be by around three or four to bring you and Maggie some early supper," Charlie told me. "Horsefly's routines stop for nothing and we have to go to the cinema."

Oh, I fixed Horsefly's TV. Charlie was just overjoyed. It was set somehow to "2nd Audio". I set it back to normal audio and Horsefly's TV was good to go. The setting was buried deep in a series of menus which was convoluted.

Noxiously Nervous...

May the Horsefly Be With You!

"What is the Horsefly doing tonight?" I asked Charlie on one of his many visits -- tonight being one of the many as well.

Charlie handed me my crazy meds and I gulped them down with one large swing of "leaded" Coca-Cola which tasted absolutely heavenly. Charlie also gave me one more cola to put in the fridge for later. My six Diet Cokes went into the freezer to chill quickly.

"Horsefly was last seen in his recliner, plush Yoda in hand, and watching the Hallmark channel," Charlie told me.

Then came the hard part...

I hated to tell Charlie this, but I just didn't feel up to going grocery shopping tonight. I had an extreme sense of nervousness about me. I was afraid I would have one my famous and classic anxiety attacks before we could get out of the store. I didn't feel steady enough to drive as well.

"You call me if you decide to go," Charlie told me. "I will be up until midnight."

"Now, if we go tomorrow night then we won't be able to go until 10 PM as Tuesdays are one of Horsefly's bowling nights," Charlie additionally warned me.

Coordinates Set -- Thrusters On Full...

Well, I just managed to dodge the proverbial bullet -- the bane of all the banes of my existence. My father called me and woke me up this afternoon. I was in the middle of a very nice catnap with the Magster curled up beside me on the computer room bed. Maggie and I pretty much love such days to rest and recuperate.

"I am going out to eat with your aunt and uncle in a few moments," my father told me. "They very coercively asked for you to come with us."

"I haven't even got around to getting a shower today," I told my father protesting.

I was in full panic mode by then -- my heart pounding in my chest.

"Tell them I am sick and that I have projectile diarrhea."

Dad got to laughing.

The first time I saw my aunt and uncle for over ten long years was at my dear mother's funeral. I guess we do have a lot to catch up on.

"Well, I am going to head your way," my father said. "Do you want to take your medications early?"

"Yes, please," I replied. "That would be very nice!"

"I will be over at your house in about fifteen minutes."

Feliz Navidad!

http://chefmom.sheknows.com/

Things are winding down here after a busy family centric day. I am so glad to be home at Casa de Andrew. Home sweet home!

I gave Maggie a big snugly hug as we sat tonight on the couch with the television on and as I changed into much more comfortable clothes. I feel as if I had run a marathon both socially and emotionally. I had a few moments of introversion and anxiety, but they weren't show stopping and crippling. Maggie was like, "Just where have you been young man?" She thoroughly sniffed my discarded clothes that were laying on the floor of my bedroom.

We had mom's side of the family in town today. They came from here, there, and some came from far away. My sister-in-law made crunchy fish tacos and beefy burrito supremes. Jennifer had a food bar of sorts for condiments and second helpings.

"Put some extra sour cream on mine," I told my sister-in-law as she smiled and complied.

I am a burritos supreme type of guy myself preferring spicy ground beef. I never warmed up to the fish taco fad. They were delicious, though, and something unique and different for a Christmas themed meal.

Earlier...

"You need to go," my father said pressuring me on the phone this morning. "These kids (my nephew and nieces) are going to grow up so fast and they will not get to know their uncle when they are grown."

"Pick me up at five this afternoon," I told my father nervously as I relented.

I immediately got to doing laundry so I would have something decent to wear.

"You ready?" my father asked a little later after my shower and shave. "We'll pick you up in about 30 minutes."

Just Another Social Casualty...

Talking on the phone makes be downright nervous, jittery, and agitated. I make it more awkward than it actually is. I just can't help it. Birds gotta fly and fish gotta swim as you've seen me write a lot lately. Well, it's true! Mountains out of molehills as well? Laura used to call me all the time and it made me cranky. It also wore my nerves and patience threadbare.

It is raining pretty heavily here and I wanted to know if our grocery trip to Kroger at 9 PM was still on. I called on my parent's landline hoping my mother would answer the phone and let her help mitigate and negotiate this social call. I can pretty much tell my mother anything.

"Do I make you feel that way?" my father asked me about being nervous.

"You make me nervous as well," I said to my now chuckling father.

"Does you mother make you nervous?" my father then asked.

"I can talk to mom easily because she knows what I am thinking before I say it," I retorted at my father.

My father burst out with jestful laughter.

"I'll be over there in about 30 minutes to give you your medications and then we will go shopping," he said.

As Right As Rain...

"I got you a Captain D's jumbo fish platter for supper," Charlie told me as he entered my house. "That's one thing I know you love."

I thanked Charlie profusely for the good eats. We about couldn't hear each other over Maggie's raucous and jubilant barking.

Charlie was pretty much on time at 4 PM. Maggie and I were very glad to see him. This little house can induce the lonely's as far as Maggie and I are concerned some days.   As socially phobic as I can be, I still relish company from time to time -- safe. friendly, and kind company like Charlie. Maggie was just overjoyed to see her Beta dog return to the fold.

Charlie made me count my crazy meds as he normally does. I counted 12 pills which were the right amount. I took a big swig out of my Captain's D's cola as Charlie watched upon the proceedings approvingly.

"Let's get Maggie fed and watered and then Horsefly and I are off to see a movie."

We Call It Supper in the South...

http://allrecipes.com/

What a busy afternoon and evening! I feel like a cat on catnip or cloud 9 as they often say. Elation! My taste buds and digestive tract needed a little TLC and the kind and welcoming socialization that was good for my soul and good for my heart as well.

"You're coming over for supper tonight Mr. Hermit," my father told me over the phone. "And I am not taking no for an answer, you hear?"

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" I replied loudly with a military cadence.

This caused my father to chuckle.

Charlie and his wife also joined us for supper tonight. Janice got busy in the kitchen with my father making a pan of her delicious cornbread. It is a toss up as to whether Janice or my father are the best soul food cooks.

"I can outcook Helen any day!" my father braggartly and boisterously said at one point tonight.

Yes, he had imbibed in a few glasses of wine tonight and the bravado was palpable. I always called alcohol liquid courage.

My sister was in town tonight and the Grand Kids had gone to Bay Minette, Alabama with their father.  Dad left about 4 PM to go to the grocery store before my sister arrived. My father cooked his deliciously signature pork chops and rice, steamed cabbage, boiled okra, and butter beans. I needed a good and delicious soul food meal like Helen would cook for all those years when she worked for my father.

Conjure Me Up A Backbone...

To Do List: Stop Reading Moods and Emotions...

http://www.wikihow.com/

One of the hardest aspects of socialization and social anxiety for me is in reading a person's mood and not internalizing their feelings. It is what I perceive their feelings and emotions to be.

Tonight, my father was very quiet and not his usual boisterous, loud, and talkative self. You could hear it in the timbre of his voice. I tend to internalize these feelings just like my mother does. My mother will often ask my father if he is mad at her.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked those taboo words about my father because of his silence. "It wouldn't be beyond me to commit a social faux pas and not realize it."

"Oh no, bud!" he replied patting me on my knee. "I am just tired. I worked in the yard all day and then got us up some supper. I also had to see about new windows being installed at the river house."

"Are you going tailgating and then to the football game?" I then asked my father about tomorrow.

"It is at noon and I will be there in full effect," he replied. "War Eagle!"

From the Annals of the Mundane...

We went about taking all my medications. I broached another taboo subject when I pretested to my father that all these pills are getting hard to swallow.

"Well, don't take them all at once," he replied callously.

Maggie was glad to get some fresh water and fresh nibbles during her ritual. She took a long draught of water out of her water bowl when I set it back down on her mat. .

One Single Solitary Soul...

http://www.nationalreview.com/

A moment ago, at 3:00 am, I was seemingly the only person in Wal-Mart. Well, it looked that way since it was just me and the employees. This is the way to do shopping at Wal-Mart if you have social anxieties or loath long lines, crowds and rude, smelly people.

I spent a long time in electronics (my old hangout spot) dreaming of video games past.  Electronics also keep getting cheaper and cheaper I noticed very acutely on several items. It is amazing to me that you can get a 50-inch LCD television for $300 bucks, and I just have a paltry 27-inch LCD television in my entertainment center and it cost a fortune when it was new.

By the way, a fellow was following me around the store this morning. The guy was with LP or Wal-Mart's loss prevention -- very reminiscent of Barney Fife. I wonder if they let him have only one bullet?

Earlier this morning, I stood up very briskly to see who was in the yard. I was listening to music and accidentally yanked and tore my good Sony headset out of their socket. This means they were ruined. My biggest worry was that I broke my expensive $100 dollar Sound Blaster ZX audio card. Thankfully, it is working fine. My goal was to drive to Wal-Mart and buy new headphones. I got a decent set of Sony headphones and they were only $19.99.

Is Anyone Out There? Any Malingering Krogers?

http://weburbanist.com/

Kroger was absolutely deserted tonight and this proved good and beneficial for this social anxiety ridden old goofy fool. Dad and I pretty much had the run of the store all to ourselves. It was kinda spooky -- like something from an apocalypse or Last Man Standing.

"Zombies? Quick, get the shotgun!"

"Get you plenty of those frozen meals," my father has harped about for the twentieth time recently. "You need some vegetables as well."

I had him walk over and pick out the meals he likes.

"You've just got to get you a few of those turkey and stuffing meals," he told me. "They look delicious."

I told him that packages can be misleading.

"Is this rib meal good?" my father held it up in front of him showing me a big packet of frozen "ribs".

"It tastes just like McDonald's McRib sandwiches and the BBQ sauce is a little sweeter to its demerit," I replied. "You just have to buy a bag of hoagie rolls."

My father tossed them into my grocery cart as I then picked out some of my favorite Tei Pei Asian meals. Dad then headed off to get loaf bread and hoagie rolls. General Tso? Come to Papa, literally.

"Do you need soy sauce?" my father asked upon his return.

"I've got plenty at home," I replied.

"I would really like some V-8 juice," I then told my father so we headed for the beverage and fruit juice aisle.

Dad stuck 2 big costly cans in my cart.

"What do you want for your sweets this week?" my father asked with yet another request.

"I want an Edwards lemon meringue pie and some unfrosted strawberry Pop-tarts

Dad went for the Pop-tarts as I had a destiny to meet pie.

The total tally was $97 dollars. It was like I had taken Charlie along with me grocery shopping. I was going to get a 4 pack of expensive $8.99 rechargeable Energizer batteries and now I am glad I didn't.

Waiting On Sunrise...

https://www.diapers.com

My body decided to wake up at a very dark 6am this morning. My eyes felt like they were burning from lack of sleep. I also woke up to this extreme feeling of vertigo in my pitch black bedroom. I fumbled around and finally found my bedside lamp and turned it on without knocking it off my bedside table.

Maggie actually woke me first by howling/baying in her sleep which is a haunting and wanton sound like those of mourning doves.

I am hoping I will get sleepy again after eating a modest breakfast. So far, we are munching on some unfrosted strawberry Pop-Tarts and drinking a big icy cold glass of milk. The cold milk is like heaven on earth quenching my thirst. Lately, Charlie's been showing up about 10am with our McDonald's biscuits so I hope I am not ruining my appetite.

The grand Poo-Bah is back in town (Papa). I haven't had a chance to see him yet, though. Even after a week long soiree in Florida on the beach, last night he had to go to a class reunion -- the class of 1964. I kept hoping he would stop by on his way home.

My idea of a vacation is some quiet time spent on my idle pursuits like farting around with my computers and completing some of my model railroading projects. Not a drive to Florida to spend a week socializing and then coming home to a fancy frou frou class reunion. I felt exhausted just hearing my mother talk about it last night on the phone. She couldn't have done it either. Each to his own I guess.

Speaking of my mother, she is just reeling from having her Xanax dosage halved.

"What if my panic attacks start up again?" was what she asked me on the phone.

There were a lot of things I could have done wrong this past week that I handled the right way like an adult. I hope my father recognizes this and I get some acknowledgment or maybe even some praise. It never hurts to give an "attaboy" to those that you love.

Well, sunlight is now on the horizon, so lets me get a shower, get dressed, and start my day.

Damn straight! She's Got Her Thinking Cap On!

http://socialsavvymom.com/wendys

"Will you take me to Wendy's to get a large frosty?" my mother asked me over the phone last hour. "I feel stir crazy and I want a cold ice-cream treat to eat."

It certainly is a hot enough day for a little bit of ice-cream I noted to myself. My wireless weather station was reading 93° degrees and that was in the shade on the side porch.

"Thank you for having your head on straight," I told my mother with the utmost of sincerity and praise. "Usually, you would just go and get it yourself. You were going to get a DUI today."

"I haven't had that much to take today!" mom protested cluelessly and then guardedly laughed.

Mom was waiting under the portico when I picked her up. I drove us to Wendy's in the Valley. Mom and I both got singles with cheese and large frosties. The burgers were kind of salty, but the ice-cream was sublime.

Social Phobias Strike Again!

George's ex-wife was just at George's house getting his mail. It was the closest to finding out how he has been doing for weeks.  I just couldn't get up the courage to go and ask her how he is. Confronting the unknown scares me more than anything.

When Joyce lived next door, she would find any way come hell or high water to get a message to me on how she was going. Often, she was on the mental ward at West Georgia Medical Center.

Hobos In Paradise...

My father was running very late tonight, but he did bring an awesome meal of "Hobos" -- a perennial treat around these parts so it was excusable. We took my crazy meds with no mishaps as Maggie vied for my father's attention.

"I liked to have never got the potatoes done in those hobos," my father told me.

My father left and the first thing I did was sit down in front of the television and eat my potato laden and meaty meal. The sauce is about the best thing of all in the meal. It about drove the Magster crazy! I gave her a little minuscule bite of the meat patty and that is all she got. It is so very. very hard to say no.

Can't Shake My Rip Van Winkle Complex...

Over time, I have learned that I slowly move more towards sleeping in the day and staying up all night. Everything is as right as rain. Nothings wrong to worry myself over. There are no phone calls or social visits at 3am in the morning and that is reassuring and comforting to a degree. I do get lonely at times in the midnight hours, though -- a price I have to pay for my sleeping schedule.

This morning, I went to bed around 7am and slept until 7pm this afternoon. My extravagant breakfast was strawberry preserves, butter, and raisin toast. This pauper's breakfast certainly was mighty fine in my eyes.

With Trembling Hands I Greet You...

"Your aunt wants you to come to her birthday party this afternoon. She specifically asked for you," my father told me during the medication ritual.

My aunt Pam and I were kindred spirits when I was growing up.

My mind started to racing wildly and went into a frenzy mode. I've got to find a way to get out of this and fast. 

"Tell her I love her, but I am not going to being to make it," I told Johnny Otis. "Be honest and tell her I have social anxiety."

Dad made me feel better when he said he had a billion betters things to do with his time as well. That made me light-hearted and feeling better.

Horsefly Turns 45 Young Years in Age...

The doctors always warned Charlie that Horsefly wasn't going to live very long. Well, he's 45 today as well despite the odds and Charlie is grilling hamburgers.

"I'm bringing you some burgers this afternoon so don't ruin your appetite,"  Charlie told me.

Incredible Information Overload...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/

Dad said last night that my uncle and sister-in-law were asking why I never get on Facebook anymore.

"Your uncle said you were really charismatic and a darn good writer," he told me.

"Information overload," I told him. "Too many photos and it was stimulus crazy."

"Is that what happened to you and Laura?" my father asked me.

"We had no real way to keep in touch other than Facebook," I told Pops. "You know I won't answer the phone without mom's and my code and I can't call long distance anymore. Hell, I never was good at talking on the phone."

I just looked at Facebook and I am not missing anything other than a message a good and dear blog friend may be coming through town this summer on her way to Atlanta.

______________________________________________________________

I just called my father back and asked him if I could take my medications this morning. He acted surly about it, but he said he would call me in an hour or two. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The withdrawal is pretty acute and aggravating, to say the least. I've gotta get off all these pills and that seems like climbing Everest at the moment. .

An Introvert's Compromise...

I talked to Laura this morning despite being the hardest person in the world to get on the phone. She caught me on Facebook and asked if she could call me. Mom will ring me once and I will call her back. Dad rings twice and I know to call him on his cellphone. Any deviation from those rings and I will not answer the phone.

We are going to have Papa John's pizza, watch a movie, and exchange Valentine's at my house as a compromise. I feel much more comfortable doing this instead of going out to eat. I will have to drive to La Grange, Ga. and pick her up since she doesn't have a driver's license or car, though. She wants to spend the day with me is what she said (lord help me).

Mom got me a really, really nice and expensive box of Whitman's chocolate (pictured) and the card was sweet as well. Mom's kinda experiencing this vicariously through me and gets excited about it when we are talking on the phone. This all seems so sophomoric to me.

Escape Plan Alpha is in Effect...

We ate a traditional Southern New Year's Day meal at my brother's house today.  I was smart and just told my father I would meet them down in Auburn.  Dad wanted me to ride with him and my mother. I knew they would stay for hours and I would want to drive home after the meal. I guess I committed a social faux pas by eating and then running. Say goodnight and go, Gracie! Oh, well. Five years ago I wouldn't have even attempted this sojourn in social anxiety.

My sister-in-law is a fantastic cook and we had peppercorn encrusted pork loin, turnip greens, black-eyed peas, and spicy Mexican cornbread. White wine was also freely flowing, but I didn't even feel tempted at all.

image credit: http://blog.exploregeorgia.org/nine-places-to-nab-a-traditional-southern-new-years-day-meal/

Flotsam and Jetsam...

We had a spectacular show of lightning and thunder in the darkened skies last night.  My brother-in-law, my father, and I were loading up my presents in my car when one especially close bolt hit the ground near us.

"That's it!" my father exclaimed. "I am going back inside."

My father loves the weather, but he is also afraid of it -- mostly lightning for that matter.

I mustered up the courage to go back to my parent's Christmas party last night and muddle through the socialization the best I could.  I had amazingly gotten lonely -- something that rarely happens to me.

Charlie was busy cleaning up the kitchen as I arrived.  It wouldn't be Christmas without Charlie doing so in the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas Andrew!" Charlie exclaimed as I walked through the back door.

We gave each other a Christmas hug.

The grandkids were super glad to see me and eagerly wanted me to open all my presents.  The rest of the family had already opened their presents. The Secretary was also busy making sure all wrapping paper was cleared and thrown away. That's been her job at Christmas for years and she takes it very seriously.  She was waiting with a trash bag as I opened every present.

I got a really nice Cuisinart coffee maker (pictured). Dad also bought me some gourmet coffee and extra filters.  I am drinking a cup of freshly brewed coffee as we speak and it is delicious. This coffee maker is so easy to use compared to the little two cup percolator I have and it makes 12 cups with every brew which is very nice.

I also got a lot of jackets, a goose down vest, shirts, and pants that were much needed.

Finding my way home wasn't very easy as every bridge I came to was washed out and barricades were put up.  I finally found a bridge in my old childhood neighborhood that was still open and headed for home before it got washed out and barricaded as well.

image credit:  http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Cuisinart-DCC-1200BW-Brew-Central-12-cup-Programmable-Matte-Black-Coffeemaker/5175787/product.html