Inflation or Daylight Robbery?

My father just informed me this afternoon that the cost of my injection jumped from $300 to $700. Isn’t that just amazing and disturbing at the same time? I won’t dare tell Rebecca that as she will worry she will botch an injection and have to pay for it. Still though, that’s just astronomical in price.

I did get some awesome news in the mail today. It was from Social Security. They have decided not to review my case for another three years. Thank god and what a sigh of relief. My father let out a big sigh as well as I read the letter to him.

Planning my Ritualistic Morning…

I just drove over after supper to pick up my diet Cokes for the morning.  Mom heard me pull up in the driveway and was waiting at the backdoor for me with questions – lots of questions.

“How much do you make a month?” she asked obtrusively.

“About $650 dollars,” I replied.

She sighed with relief. “Well, at least you’re not over the limit.”

“What’s got you so obsessive about this Social Security?” I asked.

“Your father says you are going to lose it and you can’t work a full time job that will support you.  I just worry about you.  You haven’t worked in eight years.  That is a very long time.  I could never go back to work.”

I then sighed. “Mom, I am 38 years old. I will be fine.  I can work full time given some job experience and acclimation to working again.”

“Why do you want to work so badly?” she then asked.

“For my self esteem mainly,” I replied. “I want to be a self supporting man.  It’s a guy thing. Guy’s want to be independent and to be able to support themselves and their loved ones.”

“I just wish you would quit and stay on disability,” mom said. “You know your father will support you if you need anything.”

“That’s the problem,” I said frowning. “It is demeaning to me to be dependent on you all for everything.  I didn’t have a life.  I had nothing to do, but sit at home and feel sorry for myself – obsessing over my perceived mental illnesses.”

“You know I love you and only want what is best for you,” mom told me.

“I know,” I replied. “That’s the big difference between you and dad.  Dad just wants you and I to be quiet and complacent so he can go about his life unimpeded.  He’s not looking out for my best interests.  You genuinely are.”

I grabbed my cokes and told mom goodnight.  She stood at the door and watched as I drove off.  I love my  mother so much and hate dad has gotten her into worrying so much about me.   There seems to be this concerted effort within the family to get me to go back to the old ways.  I don’t want to go back to dying emotionally and mentally.  I want to live.  I want purpose to my life.  I just want to be me for a change after being someone else for years – someone’s sick and mentally ill son who needed to be taken care of.  Family roles are so hard to break I am learning from the opposition I have experienced. 

The Filling is Good…

Kim told me tonight she loves my house.

“It’s so small and cozy,” she told me. “Perfect for just you.”

Kim’s house is about twice the square feet as mine.  Her mother owns it and let’s her live in it rent free.  I was lamenting to Kim tonight after supper about my house being really nice looking on the inside, but the outside looks crappy.

“You could paint it,” she said.

“I would really like to put vinyl siding on it, but the cost is prohibitive,” I replied.

“Well, the shrubbery looks much better since you trimmed it,” she told me trying to make me feel better.

“Dad was going to have vinyl siding put on it, but it seems I have fallen out of favor,” I told her. “I would rather pay for it myself anyway.  I better start saving.  I’ve got to come up with a couple thousand dollars.”

Kim hugged me and told me to keep my eye on the prize.

“Who knows?” she said. “Maybe your yardcare business will take off and you will be rolling in money soon.”

I smiled.  It was a nice thought.  I would love nothing more than for that to happen.  I will keep plugging away at my daily efforts at that business hoping to be completely self supporting in a year.  Finally, I can put Social Security disability to rest.

Earnings limit to receive Social Security Disability benefits…

I am receiving Social Security disability benefits.  Will I lose my benefits if I work and earn money?

Not right away.  We have special rules called work incentives that help you keep your disability and Medicare benefits while you test your ability to work. For example, there is a trial work period during.  During the trial work period you can receive full benefits regardless of how much you earn.  You just have to report your work activity and continue to have a disabling impairment. 

The trial work period continues until you accumulate nine months (not necessarily consecutive) in which you perform what we call services within a rolling 60-month period. We consider your work to be services if you earn more than $720 a month in 2010.  For 2009, this amount was $700. 

After the trial work period ends, your benefits will stop for months your earnings are at a level we consider substantial, currently $1,000 in 2010. For 2009, this amount was $980.  Different amounts apply to people who are disabled because of blindness. The monthly substantial amount for statutorily blind individuals for 2010 is $1,640; for 2009 this amount was $1,640.

For an additional 36 months after completing the trial work period, we can start your benefits again if your earnings fall below the substantial level and you continue to have a disabling impairment.

For more information about work incentives, we recommend that you read the leaflet, Working While Disabled-How We Can Help (SSA Publication Number 05-10095).

A Softer Mental Illness to Reveal…

“I lived in Germany for years,” Kim told me this morning as she smiled her cute little chubby Drew Barrymore smile. “My ex-husband was in the military.  I was your average housewife taking care of our apartment and the kids.  Living abroad can really give you a different perspective on things.”

“Oh, that must have been fascinating,” I replied with great interest. “I’ve been to London twice.  I love Europe.  My ex-wife and I traveled a lot when we were married.”

I have found myself seeking out Kim on my breaks and slow moments – extremely enjoying our conversations.  She will smile broadly when she will see me walk up greeting her.  Today, she revealed to me she was bi-polar when I told her I was on disability and that’s why I could only work four hours a day.  We talked a little bit about medications.  She is on Lithium which I also take 3 capsules of every morning. 

“I have anxiety issues,” I said not wanting to reveal I was schizophrenic and scare her away just yet. “I think I have generalized anxiety disorder.”

Anxiety seemed like a much “softer” mental disorder to have, and I really don’t think I am schizophrenic these days anyway.  I’ve had so many diagnosis over the years that it is dizzying.  I don’t know what to think really.  I certainly know I am not schizophrenic in the classic sense by any means.  My current official diagnosis by my psychiatrist is schizoaffective – having both symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.  I think it is a load of rubbish!  I honestly think my overbearing family has just about driven me crazy over the years and that was where most of my problems stemmed from.  Generalized overbearing family disorder!  Dad just about put so much pressure on me over the years it about broke me as a man.

This morning started out fast and furious as I had to get caught up with the overnight barrage of shopping carts.  Once I got caught up, I had nothing to do but to wander the store aimlessly again.  The grocery side of the store keeps me the busiest.  I will occasionally go out and bring carts in during breaks from my wandering – ever mindful of how the carts are piling up.  My supervisor is fully content with my wandering as long as there are plenty of carts at the ready for customers.  I worried at first she would get on to me for doing so or would send me home early, but she seems happy with how I am doing my job – often bragging on me.

During my free time today, I bought some shirts for work that were on sale for $7 dollars each.  I badly need a new wardrobe – my current wardrobe being years and years old.  Even my nicest shirts have some minor holes in them.  It embarrasses me.   I don’t want to look like the hapless bachelor.  I also only have one pair of  pants that fit me so buying pants is next on the agenda.

As I was leaving work, I stopped to see Kim one more time to tell her goodbye for the day.

“Can I call you tonight?” I asked in a moment of great courage. “I would really like to get to know you even better.”

She smiled as she gave me her phone number and told me she would be home after eight. “Be sure to call me!” she said as I turned to leave. Now, if I can just get up the courage to call.  It will be a big step for me and my phone phobias.   I am so intrigued and want to know more about her.  I have found her a fascinating creature so far.  I am frankly quite smitten.

The Representative Payee Dilemma…

By all your advice, I have decided to hold off on changing my representative payee.  I have researched well, though, and could change my payee at any time to any person I chose without having to have dad’s permission.  I wasn’t thinking clearly, though, on how much responsibility would be thrust on Mrs. Florene as one commenter posted.  That worried me.  Social Security also doesn’t recognize power of attorney I learned the other day so that is good to know.  I will let that be my ace in the hole.  I will just concentrate on both my jobs with the goal of getting off disability completely in a few years.  I still have my nine month trial work period where I can draw a full paycheck and still get my disability.  I also learned I can keep my Medicare benefits for up to seven years after getting off disability.  That is comforting to know.  Thanks be to Clinton!

The Benefactor Calls…

When I arrived home, I had a message on my answering machine from my benefactor to call him.  I called him immediately hoping for work after calling Mrs. Florene and calling off the trip to Opelika.

“I need you to clean out my drainage ditch that runs the length of my backyard,” he said. “Water is pooling in my backyard.  It’s brick, but you haven’t been able to see the bricks in years from all the dirt that's accumulated.  It’s just not draining anymore.”

“Sounds like a tough job,” I replied, ever wary of my anxiety attacks.

“I’ll pay you $50 dollars,” he said. “It shouldn’t take but four or five hours to do.”

“It’s a deal,” I replied. “I’ll see you in an hour and get started.”

Well, here goes another big job consisting of shoveling dirt out of a ditch for hours. It is going to be a two Klonopin job.  I hope I can do it.  I would really like the money.  I will write again tonight to let you all know how I fared. 

It’s Five and I’m Alive!!!

I just can’t sleep past five it seems. I was wide awake this morning ready to go as the first light of the day was on the horizon.  Maggie was on the bed vigorously digging at her cooties which woke me up.  I decided to sleep on the bed for a change last night.  I was so exhausted I could’ve slept on the floor and got a good night’s sleep.

Can’t Even Bake Cookies without Hell Breaking Loose…

I stopped by mom and dad’s last night to get more of mom’s chocolate chip and walnut cookies.  They are addicting.  Dad hasn’t let mom cook in decades and she took it upon herself recently to bake cookies. Dad will say she will burn the house down trying to cook. My mother was always such a wonderful cook – her cornbread being the best I have ever tasted.   Dad about had a fit saying she is sloppy and won’t clean up after herself.

I was sitting on the couch eating as I watched the television.  Mom and my cousin Jean were both sitting in the den with me reading books – both being bookworms. 

“I wouldn’t let him treat you the way he treats you,” my cousin Jean told my mother of  my father very bluntly. “He treats you like crap.”

“I don’t know what to do,” mom replied looking worried. “I am so dependent upon Johnny.”

“I wouldn’t talk to him a few weeks and see how it likes it,” Jean said.

“He would like it if I didn’t talk to him,” my mother replied sounding so discouraged. “He says I bother him too much with silly things.”

My eyebrows raised and I listened in intently at their conversation.  I so wish mom would assert herself and take more control of her life.  My father does treat her like dirt.  It is sad really as my mom is such a wonderful person.  It just makes me so deeply sad for her.

Mom once left dad and got an apartment.  This was before she retired.  It didn’t last long though.  Dad convinced her to come home. 

The Changing of the Guard…

“Why don’t you stop by and eat breakfast with me every morning before work?” Florene asked me on the phone last night. “You know I would love that.”

“I have the medication ritual with dad every morning,” I told her sounding disappointed. “I would if I could.”

“I need someone to cook for,” Mrs. Florene said laughing good heartedly. “Ever since George went to jail, I about don’t know what to do with myself.  He was my life.”

Mrs. Florene is a “feeder”.  She feels this need to cook for those she loves.

“Mrs. Florene?” I then asked. “Will you be my representative payee for my disability?”

“Baby! You know I would do anything for you.  What do we need to do?”

“We just have to drive down to Opelika and switch it over.  It takes all of five minutes,” I told her. “The checks will come to you and you can sign them over to me.  We will probably need to get a checking account and have the check electronically deposited.”

“Just let me know when you want to go,” Florene said.

“Can we go tomorrow afternoon?” I asked. “I will take us out to eat afterwards at the Western Sizzlin’”

“Just pick me up when you are ready, baby,” Mrs. Florene replied. “I look forward to spending some time with you.  You know I would do anything in the world for you for all you’ve done for George over the years.”

I hung up the phone and felt better for having done that.  I feel this is a huge step in gaining my independence and my disability money has been one of my biggest obstacles in years.  Dad still will not allow me access to that money and I need it to save and get my car fixed from that deer damage many months ago.  Mom says he has several thousand dollars of my money saved up in my account.  He told me the other night that I wasn’t mentally competent enough to handle it – that I would just drink it away and end up homeless again. That’s not his decision to make.  A thousand dollars a month will go a long way to getting me situated moneywise.  I am willing to pay all my bills and handle all the responsibility that comes with having that money.

Next on the agenda?  To get my health insurance cards from mom and take control of my healthcare for the first time in a decade.  I am going to start getting my prescriptions filled at my uncle’s pharmacy ending the forced medication ritual.  And I am also getting a new psychiatrist that is not a pill pusher and in my father’s back pocket. I know of a good female psychiatrist and I am going to get an appointment soon.  I just need my insurance cards.  So many changes!  This is going to be scary, but needs to be done for my self esteem and my emotional and mental wellbeing!

It’s Business as Usual…

It’s business as usual for mom as far as I am concerned.  She called me this evening and told me to come get my diet Cokes.  I told her I could pay for my own now, but she insisted on us sticking to our routines.  “I like doing it for you,” she said. “I don’t have much to do in my life.  I like the routines.”  She also bought me more of my drink mixes and left them on my kitchen counter sometime today along with another giant jar of creamy Kroger peanut butter.  I am sure Maggie was thrilled at seeing her.  Her only frets are my disability and she is obsessing over that.  She says they are going to review my eligibility to return to work full time.  I told her that was against the law and one of the good things Clinton did when he was in office.  They can’t punish you for returning to work part time.   It will not trigger a review.  Mom will still fret, though.  It is her nature to do so.  She frets about absolutely everything these days. 

I am $75 dollars richer this evening as we speak.  I earned every damn penny of it.  That was one physically taxing job.  I am glad it is finished!  It came up a cloud at one point as my grandmother would always say and I sat in my car listening to NPR until it passed.  You could see the sun while it was raining and my grandmother would always say the devil was beating his wife with a frying pan.  One nice thing about the rain was that it really cooled the temperatures off as I finished the job late this afternoon. 

The man wants me to come back Sunday to trim the shrubbery on the front and sides of his house for $25.  I told him I had to work all day tomorrow at my regular job and that’s why I couldn’t do it sooner.  I also told him we were going to get his yard in tip top shape if he just keeps paying me good money.  He laughed and offered me a beer.  I laughed as well feeling good about the whole affair.  I couldn’t drink, though, as I was driving.  His lawn needs mowing so I hope he will ask me to do that next. 

Sunset found me in the park which is quickly growing to be one of my favorite places to be in the evenings.  I was glad the days of the nightly medication ritual are finally over.  Maggie will miss dad’s visits, though. She loves him dearly and so do I. Dad will never just come over to my house to visit with me like mom will, though.  I have to go see him.  Dad always made me a nervous wreck every night during that medication ritual. That’s one less bit of anxiety I have to deal with at the end of the day. 

The late evening cicadas were singing and it made feel lonely for some strange reason tonight. I am usually enthralled by their singing.  I’ve really been longing for a companion this week feeling eligible for the first time in years.  I eventually would like to get married again and possibly have kids.  That would have never ever happened if I stayed on my previous course in life.  Who wants to marry a guy who can’t even support himself or make basic decisions about his life?  I find myself thinking of what would make me enticing to a mate.  A nice home.  A good car.  Decent looks.  A job.  Money.  Sanity.  All pieces to a puzzle I am slowly putting together. 

A couple of black boys were playing basketball on the court and talking jovially.  One kept bragging that he could shoot better than the other and the other protested vehemently.  I smiled as I listened to their banter and drank the single solitary Steel Reserve, my sunset brew, I bought tonight at the convenience store.  I bought only one as a concession to my blog readers and friends who care. I am really not an alcoholic and can drink one or two beers and be satisfied.   I no longer feel the pain and anguish these days that stirred me to drink with wanton abandon all those years ago. 

An Eight Hour Day Tomorrow…

I drove over this morning to get my medications at 7:30 as dad and I had agreed last night.  Dad was not happy about it at all.  He said he kept hoping I would call him with a change of heart – to acquiesce.  Dad made me wait ten minutes to make sure I didn’t throw them up.  He didn’t say much to me to my surprising relief. I didn’t need a confrontation this morning or an argument before work or the anxiety that would ensue because of it. He sat eating his breakfast of toast and jam and watched the television as I sat and let the medications soak in.  He is really giving me the cold shoulder, though.  Dad can’t stand to be out of control of situations or me.  He controls pretty much everything my mother does and did for me as well for years. 

Having my medications in the morning REALLY helped me at work today!  I didn't have any anxiety whatsoever. None! It was so very encouraging and such a relief.  It made working so much more pleasant.  I took so much pride in my job today.  You remember how I kept saying for weeks that I felt fine from about 10pm to the early morning the next day?  My anxiety was at it’s worst from around 11am to 8pm at night.  This was because I was taking my medications in the evenings and they would wear off as I slept.  Now, I have their full effects during the day when I need them the most.  Now, I can just be anxious in my sleep when I won’t notice it. lol

I want to simplify my medications, though.  I think we can safely do without some of them. I feel eleven psychotropic medications on top of my antipsychotic injection is just too much to take.  These pills were added due to my father’s influence over my psychiatrist.  I take mood stabilizers, several antidepressants, bipolar medications, numerous anxiety medications, various antipsychotics, etc.  I think less is better as far as that chemical stew is concerned. 

I feel I have a lot of side effects from all these medications.  Especially sexually.  I haven’t thought of sex in months and months – really years since Rosa and I broke up and went our separate ways.  It never enters my mind and that is not healthy nor normal.  I would like to have a relationship again some day soon.  I want to take joy at marveling at a nice looking woman’s body.  I am already meeting lots of nice women at work.  Flirting is a new game for which I am exploring some and  it is exciting!  I have the self confidence and self esteem to do it these days.

I have to work a full eight hour day tomorrow.  My supervisor wants me to train the new guy she hired today.  She is going to let the teenager, Tim, working second shift go after his shift this afternoon.  She said he had called in too many times.  I kind of felt sorry for him.  I am such a softie.  I hate to see someone get fired.  He was a pretty nice guy, just kind of young and dumb about life.  Typical teenager stuff. 

It is supposed to rain tomorrow and I asked my supervisor what we do in inclement weather. 

“You need to buy some rain gear,” she told me. “We still work in the rain.  The store goes on. Wal-Mart never stops.”

I won’t mind.  It will be interesting.  You know I love the weather and I will get a chance to experience it first hand.  And it will be nice as the high temperatures are expected to drop ten degrees tomorrow.  Our heat wave we’ve been having is over for the time being after today when a cold front blows through.  I looked at the forecast before work this morning and we have a lot of potential rain ahead.  I guess I am going to get very wet in the upcoming week. Sloshy tennis shoes will abound.  I need to get some waterproof hiking boots so my feet stay dry.

I get about $1000 dollars a month in my disability allotment.  I haven’t had access to this money in probably five years. Over the years, dad has come to think of this as his money and not mine.  I am going to start talking to dad assertively about me having access to my disability account at the bank with a debit card to buy groceries, gasoline, sodas, cigarettes, and other sundry items.  He is going to balk, but I think it is about time I have some control over this again. It is my money after all.  If he doesn’t agree, then I will get a third party arbitrator as is my right within the guidelines of Social Security disability.  I can chose any representative payee I prefer at any time and I have thought of getting Mrs. Florene to do this.  She will just have to drive down to the Social Security office with me to sign the paperwork. It is a simple process and will only take a few minutes.  She would be overjoyed to help as always I am sure. 

One nice thing about having a disability income is that is takes away a lot of the stress and pressure of working as in worrying if I could lose my job to my disability.  I could always just quit and go back to my life as it was before.  Dad would be overjoyed and would welcome me back into the fold.  We would go back to our usual routines if nothing ever happened as far as my strive for independence is concerned.   Things would go back to normal – the status quo.  I am not saying this is going to happen, but it is a comforting thought to know I am safe and have a steady income despite my jobs.  Life is not going to come to a screeching halt if I can’t work or my efforts for independence falter.  I won’t end up homeless or penniless without work.

You know one thing I am noticing that is interesting these days since I have money again?  I don’t want to get shit faced drunk all the time when I am feeling well and anxiety free.  I’ve been too busy to stay drunk and my self esteem has a really big part to play in it as well.   I really don’t think I am an alcoholic and all those years I drank was because I was so miserable emotionally and mentally. Yes, I like the occasional couple of beers in the park – my sunset brews as I call them.  But I haven’t gotten drunk in a long time.  It just helps soothe what little anxiety I am experiencing these days after a hard day’s work.  I know you all are going to balk and scoff at me writing this! LOL  I have been labeled and it is going to be hard to break the stigma of it.  I will just have to prove it to you all over time as you read along with me on the blog about my life.

Well, I am going to eat a quick sandwich and head out to finish that yard care job and get paid my $75.  I am then driving down to Best Buy to buy that camera part this evening before they close.  Pictures of Maggie should be up in the morning! lol

A Frugal and Complicated Mother…

“I called Social Security yesterday,” mom told me last night. “And they said Medicare would cover one pair of glasses and one eye exam per year.”

“Good,” I replied. “That will save us around $200 dollars.”

“Well, I got worried they said Medicaid and not Medicare,” mom then told me. “I got confused.”

I smiled. It always gets complicated with my mother.  Dad then got the phone from my mother to talk to me.

“Your mother is cheap with her money, but loves to spend mine,” dad said laughing.  “She is obsessing about getting Medicare to pay for your glasses.  She doesn’t want to pay for them now.  She has asked me a thousand questions tonight.”

I laughed and smiled.  I love mom so much quirks and all.  I told dad that where there is a will, there is a way with mom.  She is one of the more determined women I have ever encountered in my life mental illness and all. 

“Martha, I am just going to pay for his glasses,” I could hear dad tell mom. “We are not going to get in a tizzy over all this. $200 dollars is not that much money.”

Dad told me good night and told mom to calm down and to go take her medicines.  It was good to know that Medicare would possibly pay if something ever happened to mom and dad and I lost my glasses or contacts.  I smiled for a good fifteen minutes after getting off the phone.  My parents always have something interesting going on and mom usually instigates it. 

My Thoughts for the Day…

Food Situation Rectified and Dad’s Obsession…

I went to bed last night at eight.  I was just exhausted from the previous week. George woke me up at ten with a knock on the door.  He had a vegetable and cornbread plate from his mother on his way to work in Lagrange.  On it was a cauliflower, broccoli and carrot medley with a lemon butter sauce, creamed potatoes, and white creamed corn.  There was also three pieces of Mrs. Florene’s scrumptious cornbread.

“I know you,” George said. “You are thinking this is charity.  Just enjoy the meal and call momma in the morning and tell her how good it was.  You would thrill her soul and she loves you to death.”

I promised George I would call Mrs. Florene and let her know how much I appreciated this meal.  I sat sleepily in the bed eating the meal as I listened to the radio and Maggie begged for cornbread.  

I went back to bed only to be awakened at midnight.  It was dad with my medications and some groceries.  He had brought two large loaves of bread, sliced cheddar and pepperjack cheese, and plenty of deli sliced turkey.  I was so thankful and relieved. 

“I now know what being addicted to something is like,” dad said, piquing my interest as we sat in my den watching The Weather Channel .  “I have been staying up till two or three every night on the Internet until I am exhausted.  I slept till eleven today and that is unheard of for me.  I haven’t done that in years.  I am obsessed.”

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen!” I thought to myself as dad left saying he was going home to get on Wikipedia.

We had gotten on a discussion of the Shroud of Turin and dad couldn’t wait to get home to read about it.  He was surprised what I knew about it with me being kind of irreligious these days.   I am fascinated with the theory that Jesus lived until his seventies, married Mary Magdalene and had four children by her. 

On Returning to Work…

Sometimes, I get a wild hair up my butt and want to go back to work.  Part of yesterday was spent filling out online applications for employment at local businesses.  The impetus for this was that I read on Social Security’s website that I could keep my Medicare health insurance coverage for up to eight years with no premium after I start back work with the “Ticket to Work” program.  I could also keep my disability benefits for up to nine months as I worked during a trial work period.  Through “expedited reinstatement” I could get back my benefits any time I was deemed ineligible to work due to medical reasons for three years after the trial work period.

I know it is just a passing thought, but I so long to be independent.  I want to be able to buy me a diet Coke when I want to, and I want to be able to go to the grocery store and just buy me some food when situations arise such as what happened these past few days.  It can be very demoralizing for a 37 year old man to be completely dependent upon his parents for everything.

Global Cooling in Andrew’s Casa…

A few months ago, I wrote about an experiment were I was trying to lower my thermostat to save on heating costs.  Well, in my all or nothing fashion, I lowered the thermostat to 62 degrees and was miserable for about a week – having to wear multiple layers of clothes to stay warm.  I am very, very cold natured.  For the longest time, my thermostat has been set on 82 degrees.  I have gradually lowered the temperature every few days until I am now on 75 degrees and I am actually comfortable.  I have grown acclimated to this new temperature.  Someone wrote on the blog to try this and they were right.  I am hoping dad will congratulate me any day now about my new lowered utility bills.  Mind you, he has never complained about my utilities, but I want to do my part to conserve my disability allotment.  It is just one small way that I can feel “in control” of my situation and life.

Computer Project for the Day…

I dread this, but it needs to be done.  I need to uninstall the ATI Theater 550 TV tuner from my Dell and put it in my newly built makeshift computer.  I dread even getting out the screwdriver and flashlight, but it’s bugging me that I can’t have The Weather Channel playing all day in the corner of my big screen LCD monitor.   I’ve got both computers working perfectly, and I am so afraid I am going to screw things up.   That computer repairer’s nemesis, static electricity, is always in the corner of my mind.  

Two Peas in a Pod

When it rains, it pours. Not only am I having panic attacks, but Rosa had an anxiety attack as well last night.  She woke up and couldn't breathe.

"I was having a dream I was still using and homeless," she told me, flustered. "I was scrambling to get more cocaine."

"Calm down, darlin'," I said as I held her. "It is going to be okay."

I got up and fixed her a Coca-cola and got a cool, damp washcloth for her forehead.  I wonder if there is such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome for those of us that were addicts, formerly homeless, and in recovery.

"You sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?" I asked her, worried.

"No, just let me lie here and be with you.  I will be okay in a minute."

It is so hard to see the one you love hurt. You want to reach out and soothe them -- to take away what ails them. I know from my own experience with anxiety attacks that there is no worse feeling.  You feel like you are having a heart attack and feel so out of control.  I actually hallucinate when having them.

"Me and you are something else," Rosa said as she smiled weakly and started to feel better, catching her breath.

"We certainly make life interesting, don't we?" I replied, smiling back and holding her firmly.

Soon, Rosa was back asleep and I got up to let Maggie out and to start my writing for the day.  I had to also fill out some paperwork for social security about my prescription drug benefits.  I had trouble figuring out how to declare the income from what I make on this blog.  I don't consider it working and the amount I make is haphazard.  I finally just came up with the average that I make $200 dollars a month in revenue.  I am sure I will get a call from them in a few weeks about it. They are like the gestapo of the Nazi war years about benefits. I was talking to dad about my benefits just last night as he brought me all this paperwork to fill out.

"Dad, a seriously mentally ill person would never be able to keep up with all this paperwork and fill it out," I told him.

"That is why so many mentally ill people end up on the streets or in jail," my father said. "They don't have someone to help them with it."

"It is sad, really," I replied.

"Just thank your lucky stars you are able to keep up with all the paperwork."

I sighed and told dad goodnight. It just doesn't feel fair. So many mentally ill people are more deserving of it than me.     

The Penniless Pair

“I am so tired of being broke,” Rosa told me last night on the phone.

“I hear you,” I replied, emphatically.

The twilight zone in between when you run out of money and your next disability check arrives is neither the most comfortable nor fun of times.

“What are you going to do when you get your check?” I then asked, curious, and trying to make small talk after a quiet awkward moment.

“I am ordering a large pizza, the works, with extra cheese and sauce.”

I laughed jovially. It is always the simplest of pleasures you miss the most when you are broke and amidst that penniless twilight zone.

“I am going to fill up my car and take a long night drive out into the countryside as I smoke cigars,” I told her as far as my post penniless dream was concerned. “My car is on dead empty as far as gas goes these days.”

“Oh, that sounds so nice,” She replied. “Can I go?”

“Sure,” I said. “I would enjoy sharing in the joy.”

“It’s a date!” Rosa said, enthusiastically.

“Well, let’s just call it a gathering of friends amidst similar circumstances as we enjoy our new found largesse,” I replied after another awkward silent moment.

Rosa then told me good night and that she was going to bed to dream of rolling in piles of cash. I smiled, laughed, and told her good night as well as I hung up the phone. I then went and lay in the bed as I thought of the concept of money. We place so much value and stock into little pale green pieces of paper that really aren’t worth more than the pieces of paper they are printed upon. Yet, society places so much value onto those pieces of pressed cellulose that it controls the very fabric and direction of our lives. Most people live their whole lives and can never think of the concept of money objectively or abstractly. It is just another one of those things in life that just is and they work all their lives for those pieces of paper that I call food tokens. I realized I abhorred the concept of money, after all, and it left a bittersweet taste in my mouth as I went to sleep last night. I don’t want to live with the rest of my life juxtaposed between periods of comfortableness and poverty as is seems the case these days. Life shouldn't be about a constant hardscrabble crawl out of depravity.

Ticket to work……..

Could it have actually happened? Did my ticket to work arrive? Yes, it did! It actually arrived several weeks ago and I didn’t know about it. I was sitting over at the parental unit’s house last night awaiting midnight and my mom handed me the envelope.

“This is for you.” She said nonchalantly. “It arrived a while back and I forgot about it.”

Jeeze, thanks mom, I thought. She just didn’t think it was important. I am just glad it wasn’t some important medical bill or something like that.

What does this mean? It means that I can go back to work part time and still keep my disability. I can only earn so much and work so many hours but anything is better than nothing. This will go a long way to bolstering my income (almost double it). It will go an even longer way to bolster my self esteem and confidence. I do not like being on disability. It certainly cramps my style. I want a “normal” life. I want to be as normal and boring as I can possibly be. My life has been too “exciting” for too long.

When I tried to get disability, I did it without a great deal of effort. I didn’t hire a lawyer or go to any expense. I have heard of other people talking about how hard it is to get. I was mainly doing it as a sort of insurance in case I got even more ill than I was so me and my wife would have an income. I guess it shows how fucked up I was at the time that I got it so easily.

I was thinking this morning like a consumer for the first time in a long time. I was dreaming of all the wonderful barbeques I could eat or the new digital camera I could buy with my new income. For the longest time, I have been a capitalist’s worst nightmare as I couldn’t afford to buy but only the most basic things to meet my needs. The economy would have long ago tanked if it relied on my purchasing prowess. Those thoughts were fleeting though.

I HAVE to start saving up for a new vehicle for when I start Auburn University in a few years. It will be a daily drive of around sixty miles to and from my new house to class every day. My goal is to save up enough cash to at least purchase a more reliable used car than the one I currently own. Let’s face it; my little Geo Tracker is on her last legs. She is fourteen years old and is not getting any younger. I have to start planning ahead for the inevitable last break down.

I think I have a job already lined up. I will not go into much detail until I know more. It will be a part time position as a receptionist at the clinic I volunteer at. There are looking for more help.

Can I juggle school AND a job? Who knows but I am going to give it my best shot. It certainly will end these long, boring days stuck in this little apartment without a damn thing to do all day but browse the internet. Being a mentally ill slacker ain’t an easy job and I am ready to quit.