This and That…

• Well, it is safe to say that most of you think anonymous comments are a bad idea. I will leave them off for most likely permanently. If you want to comment, then sign up for a Google account.

• Stacey asked me to help her get out of debt last night. I was overjoyed to help – often worrying about her tendency to frivolously charge items on her many credit cards. She loves to shop for clothes and jewelry online. I told her it is going to take probably a year, but we could do it.

• Mom called me last night complaining about dad’s obsessive football watching habits. I smiled. I don’t much care for watching the games, but I will keep up with the scores on ESPN.com.  Dad and my brother are just fanatical about it, though.

• I cooked mom’s spaghetti last night and it was delicious. I made a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and toasted some barbecue bread. Stacey has decided this is her favorite recipe of mom’s.

• Stacey is in the bed at the moment with Caramel and Sadie. Maggie got up with me and is lying on the bed in my computer room. She insists on staying in any room I am in. She is my constant companion with Caramel being more aloof about such things.

• I was overjoyed tonight when I found out how to change the resolution on my HDTV to it’s non-native resolution. I have it hooked up to my computer as my main monitor and this gives me extremely much more screen real estate. I was so happy and it is like having a whole new computer.

• I am passingly listening to Coast to Coast AM at the moment. They are talking about some “monkey virus” and the death of Sonny Bono not being an accident. I am not entirely interested in tonight’s program, but listen out of habit.

• I am still enjoying my iPad. I had to yank it out of Stacey’s hands last night as we lay in the bed browsing. I am going to buy her one for Christmas. She loves it. It is really great for just browsing the web, which is mainly what I normally do. I use my laptop and main computer to update the blog.

• I spent a long time yesterday putting together another second hand computer out of parts I had lying around. I’ve got it connected wirelessly in the den where I can stream the music off my 2 terabyte drive in my main computer to my surround system in that other room. Stacey says I am obsessed with computers just like my ex-wife always used to say. 

• I am trying to decide what I want for Christmas. I have $500 dollars to spend. I am thinking a new digital surround system for my computer and a new sound card. I listen to most of my music through my computer these days.

• I mowed two lawns for $50 dollars late yesterday afternoon. It was just sweltering, though. I was glad to finish and get home to start supper and see Stacey.

• I am about to drive over to get my six diet Cokes for the day. This is one of the more pleasing ritruals I experience everyday. I love the early morning drive as I listen to the CD du jour.  

• I was toying with the idea of quitting taking my Risperdal. I am on only 2mg per night now.  I was on 8 1/2 miligrams at one point. I feel it makes me feel tired and fatigued. I just want to be off all these medications. As my medication levels continue to drop, I feel better and better as each week passes. I can be so impatient.

More Stability Today…

I bought a tiny little Sony radio with weather band at work this morning.  I had grown tired of music on my iPod as I gathered my carts – much preferring AM talk radio.  I also bought some batteries, put them in my new little radio and was overjoyed this morning when I found I could pick up KMOX out of St. Louis before dawn.  They replay last night’s Coast to Coast AM again at 5am and was also overjoyed to find Art Bell hosting the show overnight.  This made gathering the buggies much more pleasant this morning – the hours before dawn just flying by as I listened to my favorite radio show intently. 

I got an extremely good night’s sleep last night – the Ambien so helping to regulate my sleeping habits.  I am finding myself sleeping for eight or more hours before work and not needing my usual nap after I get off.  I do have to go to bed so early, though, finding myself asleep often at  7:00 or 7:30pm. The anxiety I experienced so profusely yesterday had also melted away overnight as well. Yesterday was a hard day and it was so very tempting to over imbibe in my Klonopin.  I am so afraid I will grow addicted to those pills and try to only take them in extreme emergencies as in one of my severe attacks.  Yesterday wasn’t that severe as I didn’t have that confused feeling I often get when the anxiety goes too overboard.

Say No to Featherbeds…

Stacey and I had a small argument last night as she was leaving to go home after gathering Sadie.

“Why don’t we ever stay at my house?” she asked jealously.

“Your bed is too soft. I can’t sleep on it,” I replied.

I often feel like I am falling into a black hole when I lie on her bed – my bed at home being very firm with an orthopedic mattress Charlie bought me years ago. 

“I am going after work to buy a new bed to be delivered,” Stacey told me with a harumpfff.  “I want you to be able to stay with me sometimes!”

I didn’t further the argument that I probably couldn’t sleep without Maggie or Caramel and it would be entirely too complicated to get them both in the car to drive over.  I left Stacey up to her machinations for the time being and will just play nice and hopefully things will settle down again.

Lots to Do Today…

I have a lot of plans for the afternoon today.  I hope to start painting my trim.  I plan on doing one room per week until I am finished. The hardest part is going to be painting all my windows around the panes. It will be a careful and tedious job.  I also plan to do a lot of cooking as well.  I have so much food that needs to be cooked from my and  mom’s visit to the grocery store last Monday.  We spent over a hundred dollars on all the ingredients for mom’s favorite recipes and I plan on cooking them all and then freezing them for next week or for when I need an easy meal for Stacey and I. 

Building My Business…

I ordered more business cards earlier in the week. They arrived yesterday.  I stopped by my father’s pharmacy after work with a plan in mind and a box of cards.

“Sandra?” I asked. Sandra has worked for my father for twenty years and we have developed a rapport over all this time. “Will you put one of my business cards in every bag of prescriptions as a customer picks them up?”

“Sure!” Sandra said with a warm smile. “I would be glad to do that.”

“You’re going to get overwhelmed!” dad exclaimed from behind the counter as he listened in intently as he was filling some prescriptions.

I just smiled and then did some shopping.  I got some paper towels and lots of snack foods for work to munch on.  I also got three 20oz diet Cokes as a treat going against my usual caffeine free mantra these days.  I needed a pick-me-up after work.

I haven’t received any more calls for my business lately and this has worried me.  I am hoping by getting those business cards out in the world that things will start to pick up again.  I do have three lawns to mow tomorrow on my day off and then I will be caught up until next Sunday when a new round of mowing my regular customer’s lawns starts.

Dad, the ever astute business man and busybody, walked out with me to my car as I was leaving.

“You’re going to need to get a business license,” he told me. “And what are you going to do about taxes?”

“I am keeping a spreadsheet of all my income and expenses,” I told him. “I will get a business license when I am mowing many lawns every week.”

“Do you think you can do all this and work too?” he asked worriedly.

“It can’t hurt to try,” I told him smiling.

Dad was still frowning when I got in my car, drove off and headed home.   It certainly can’t hurt to try I thought on the way home.  I thought of the tale dad would always tell us as children when he first started his business.

“I took out a big loan to buy the pharmacy,” dad would tell us. “The first two weeks after I opened the store, I didn’t have hardly any customers.  I thought I was going to go under.  I spent many sleepless nights those two weeks worried.”

If he can do it, then so can I!  It is just going to take some moxie and hard work – all things I have in abundance these days off all those medications. 

Another Night Owl Evening…

Dad left at ten after our medication ritual and Maggie’s food ritual.  He was kind of quiet tonight, but I didn’t take it personally.  “Tuesday’s are my hell day,” he said sitting on the couch as we watched the tail end of Hawthorne.  For years, we watched The Weather Channel during the medication ritual as dad waited for my medications to take effect.  The Weather Channel has fallen out of favor as far as our routines go.  We have both grown disgusted with their gross hyperbole and over-sensationalization of minor weather events.  I call it the death and destruction channel these days as they love to sensationalize disaster. Long gone are the days when meteorologists would report the weather in a sensible manner. And who in the hell wants to wake up with Al Roker?

“You have good taste in television,” dad told me complimenting me tonight. “You find interesting shows to watch.”

I took Maggie for a long walk through our neighborhood after dad left – grinning as I walked as I felt so calm and relaxed from my medications.  My limbs feeling like Jell-O.  My mind a serene marvel.  Maggie was just thrilled to death to go on this little late evening journey.  We walked all the way down to the elementary school and back taking the back roads to avoid the traffic on the main street that runs by my house.  I reveled in the katydids singing in earnest tonight – a signature sound of a Southern night.  It reminded me of all the times I would sit on my grandmother’s porch as the katydids sang before bed drinking iced sweet tea.  We would try to spot out of town license plates on busy highway 280 as a game as we talked about the day behind us. Dad’s mother was a very special lady who took life at her own special pace.  I still think my life would have turned out vastly different if she had lived longer and I lived with her on her farm in my late adolescence. 

I am about to sleep for two hours and then wake up so I can listen to tonight’s Coast to Coast AM.  I wonder what crazy shit they will talk about tonight?  God, I love that show.  It is so over the top and entertaining.  I am listening to last night’s show again right now.  They are discussing alien agendas and end of the world scenarios at the moment.  You should see the grin on my freshly shaven face. 

Midday Report…

I went to bed early this morning at 7am and awoke at 1pm and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was so, so disappointed.  I walked into the den and started up a Coast to Coast AM show from last year and then put some bread in the toaster for lunch. I so wanted to sleep the day away, but to no avail.  Once I am up, I am up.  Maybe I will take a long nap later. I do hope so.  I wish I was like Maggie and could sleep on a whim.   Maggie’s on the bed enjoying the cool air from the fan on the floor.  It is eighty degrees in here – just like I like it.  I was hoping to sleep through that tough period I experience from around lunch till 7pm.  Sometimes you just don’t win the prize or bring home the bacon.

I can feel that anxiety creeping in despite taking my Klonopin after awaking.  I let the Klonopin dissolve in my mouth for a faster effect and crossed my fingers hoping for the best.  I could’ve used two or three today.  It is so disconcerting.  It scares me to death.  I am so afraid I am going to have one of my extreme, excruciating anxiety attacks.    The whole deal just exacerbates upon itself.  I feel so out of sorts.  It is like this extreme knot in the pit of my stomach.  I am hoping it will ease up later in the day as the day progresses like it normally does.  It makes it hard to take satisfaction out of my usual and normal routines of the day. I can’t get situated or comfortable.  I thought writing about it may help so excuse my whining.  Why couldn’t I sleep all day???   I am so sorry for whining and complaining.  I want to regale you all in good, positive tales.  Not tales of woe.  Things really are better when compared to a few weeks ago – the anxiety not near as extreme.  I just don’t know what to do and feel better writing about it.  My blog is like therapy for me. 

Mom brings fast food and cokes this afternoon.  It will be around 5pm when she arrives. She will blow her horn never getting out of the car and I will walk out to get the food and drinks.  Maggie and I both look forward to that. It will break up the monotony of the day and I am hungry.   I am out of groceries again – mom is just not buying me enough for me to get by on and I am doing so well on the bulimia front so I know I am not wasting food. I haven’t gained weight so I know I am not eating too much.   Grocery day is tomorrow and I will have to get by on toasted mayonnaise sandwiches.  That is all I have – mayonnaise and a loaf of bread.  This being without money really, really sucks sometimes.  I have four grocery stores in town and no way whatsoever to buy any food when I need it.  In a softer, gentler world, I would flip burgers down at a fast food joint.  Collect my paycheck every two weeks.  Be independent and go about my life in a normal, more mainstream manner.  Extended sanity would be the key to living this way. 

Positive Thought for the Day…

I have to remind myself how far I’ve come.  I was on the path to destruction.  Within months without dad’s help, I would have been just another statistic.  Another homeless mentally ill drunkard.  The not drinking is hard, though.  I miss it dearly.  Dad says I have been mourning about it for years now.  Today would be a prime candidate for getting drunk.  Any day was a prime candidate for getting drunk to be explicitly honest.  I have this insane urge to seek out feeling extra-normal and high be it Benadryl, caffeine, Klonopin, or beer.  Let’s just be glad with my father’s help I am able to stay sober most days.  I do think my life would be far worse off with the chaos alcoholism creates. 

I have expressed weakness with this post so it will probably garner a nasty negative anonymous comment as usual.

The Night Owl…

I went to bed at 9pm and awoke at 1am refreshed on just four hours of sleep. Maggie was curled up next to me sound asleep snoring softly and sighing in her sleep. Occasionally jerking from her dreams – her eyes moving wildly under her eyelids.  She looked so comfortable next to my arm curled up in a tight ball.  She must’ve been cold and couldn’t get under the comforter with me hogging it. I had it pulled tightly over me as I had turned the air down really low last night in one of my rare arctic moments.  I hated to wake her, but I was on a late night, early morning mission.  I immediately jumped up wide awake out of the bed to Maggie’s great chagrin, throwing on clothes, and excited to drive over to get my six diet Cokes for the day. And then to hurry home to start writing a blog post after my Cokes got ice cold in the freezer. Routines, ya know?  I take such satisfaction out of doing this routine.  My early morning bliss.  

Mom puts the Cokes out on the porch before she goes to bed around 11pm so I knew they would be out there by now.  Maggie heard me put on my shoes and the jingle of my keys as I put them in my pocket and went tearing outside barking up a storm to pave the way for my trip.  She does this every early morning without fail.  She is my supreme protector as always.  Dad was still up with every light on in his house when I pulled up in the driveway. I almost knocked on the door to see what he was doing, but I was on a mission that couldn’t be delayed.  I don’t know if he realized I stopped by or not.  He had been down at the pharmacy doing his usual quiet Sunday night of bookkeeping and bill paying. He has done this for as long as I can remember from 9pm to midnight every Sunday night. Charlie usually accompanies him and does the accounting end of the business. That was Charlie’s major in college which he fought so hard to obtain.  Charlie joined the military and was stationed in Thailand to pay for college on the GI bill.  He said he ate nothing but bananas the whole time he was there the food was so gross. Charlie is a very, very picky eater.     

1am is a cool, awesome time for me.  1am means Coast to Coast AM is on live until 5am. I am enamored with this show as you probably already know.  Tonight they are talking about autism.  George Knapp is hosting and he can be abrupt and brusque sometimes with the guests making things lively.  It should be an interesting show, but anti medical establishment as usual which can grow tiresome at times, though.  Everything can’t always be a conspiracy as is often the case on these shows.  I can already guess the issue of mercury in vaccines causing autism is going to be the highlight of discussion tonight. They can be very predictable.  George Noory, the usual weekly host, harped for months about the dangers of the H1N1 flu vaccine saying it was deadly.  His ignorance astounded me.  There were wild theories thrown about that the vaccine would be used to genetically manipulate us. lol  I guess I am going to turn into a mutant now since I got the vaccine many months ago.  I will believe my brother and sister, both accomplished doctors who say it is perfectly safe, over a radio talk show host who touts a spice, turmeric, as a cancer cure.

I know I am saying it a lot these days, but I feel really, really well lately and it is so damn nice. It bears repeating for the wonderful thing it is.  I felt so ill for so long.  For weeks, I felt like something drug out of a dank swamp – rising from the primordial ooze to another hell filled mentally ill day.  It is hard to sleep because you are frightened you will wake up back in hell land again.  I don’t ever want this feeling to end. I feel as if I am in a dream and I don’t want to wake up.  I always feel my best in the wee hours of the morning when my medications are still fresh in my body.  I am trying so hard to stay up as late as I can tonight so I will sleep all day tomorrow.  Around lunch to 7pm is always my hardest time with my schizophrenia and the anxiety.  I can only guess my medication levels drop and I grow tired both mentally and physically as the day grows long.. 

I got a wild hair up my butt and moved my computer desk from my computer room into the den.  It was a spur of the moment thing.  It looks cluttered and ungainly and dad is going to complain, but I like it so far.  I like the convenience of it.  I like being able to keep up with Twitter as I watch TV since my new laptop died a few weeks ago. It took a good thirty to forty five minutes to hook everything up and get back on the Internet. Now, my command center is complete.  Everything is at my fingertips. The HDTV.  The home theater.  My computer.  I don’t ever have to leave my den again!!! lol   I am writing this from the comfort of my Lazy Boy in the den with my keyboard in my lap.

For weeks, dad has been promising he is going to order the part I need to get my camera working again.  I am getting extremely frustrated which is unlike me as I am usually very laid back.  I called him last Monday to remind him and he assured me he would get Tricia to order it.  It still hasn’t arrived.  I don’t understand dad’s obfuscation about this.  Does he think it is going to cost a lot of money?   I want to get ugly and exclaim that he can drive to Alex City and take my sister furniture then why can’t he just order a $16 dollar computer part for me?  If I had money, I would just drive down to Best Buy in Auburn and easily purchase the part.  I have missed my camera so much.  I feel like I have lost a friend. Maggie has missed being captioned as well. hehe

Dad still believes I don’t need to be attending all the AA meetings I go to.  He feels it is too much pressure on me socially and mentally.  “You just can’t do all that,” he will tell me.  “It is just too much pressure on you to drive all that way and sit through all those meetings.”  It shocks me when he will say this.  I don’t understand this and it is just completely, absolutely strange.  He told the same thing to my psychiatrist as well to my psychiatrist’s raised eyebrows.  He thinks he alone can control my drinking through the lack of money and watching me constantly.  He says he can see signs when I am about to drink or abuse Benadryl.  It is a fool’s errand in my opinion.  I think AA is about the only way I am going to be able to garner a viable social life successfully these days.  I love the camaraderie and the way everyone sticks together and supports each other.  It is probably the only way I am going to be able to stay successfully sober for any length of time as well.  I still have some misgivings about the religious overtones of the program, but my brother’s wise words echo in my mind when I  have doubts.  “You’ve got to believe in something,” he told me. “Why not God?  It wouldn’t or couldn’t hurt.”    

Quirks About Coast to Coast AM…

With my subscription to Streamlink, I can listen to Coast to Coast AM shows from years ago.  I am listening to a show right now where the guest says he has had visions that Yellowstone will blow any day now then.  It never did.  This is a common theme with Coast to Coast AM – calamities.  With 2012 growing ever closer, more and more programming is being devoting to the so called end of the world.  I am far too cynical to believe such tripe.  2012 is just simply the end of the Mayan calendar.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  My analytical mind tells me that scientists today are far more likely to predict a major change in the earth than some ancient culture that didn’t even have electricity or the ability to fly.   Of course, this gets the wackadoos all stirred up and they will call into the show with their opinions on the subject.  I will probably get flamed, but these people are most likely mentally ill to a degree.  I find a lot of the callers sound mentally ill more so than I do on a bad day. 

Another common theme with Coast to Coast AM is the paranormal.  I just don’t believe in extraterrestrial UFOs or ghosts.  My ex-wife swore she saw a UFO once. “It was floating lights in the sky,” she would say.   She was a believer and had me build a fast computer just to run SETI@Home – a mass computer project years ago devoted to the search for extraterrestrial signals in the sky.   “Just because it was an unidentified flying object didn’t necessarily mean it was from another world,” I would tell her.  

That said, I still love the show.  It is fascinating in a way to listen to these people go on and on about things that aren’t real – much more fascinating then listening to Glenn Beck bitch about “Obama Care”.   My favorite shows are when they discuss science, space, or physics.  You just can’t find this type of deep science related material on popular radio without the help of Coast to Coast AM.  

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Accidents Happen…

“I did something terrible!” Mrs. Florene told me frantically after calling me early this morning.  “I ran all into the side of the garage with the Skylark.  I was going to buy my groceries when the grocery store opened at six.”

I drove over to take a look at her request.  I expected the worst from what Mrs. Florene had described on the phone.   It really wasn’t that bad.  The front quarter panel of the Skylark was dented and scraped.  There was no damage to the the garage.

“I was up at six,” I told Mrs. Florene. “Call me next time and I will drive you.  You know me.  I keep odd sleeping hours.  I am usually available.”

I assured Mrs. Florene that I would take the Skylark to the body shop for an estimate Monday.  She is just going to pay to have it fixed and not file it on her insurance.  Shit happens as they say.  Mrs. Florene is certainly getting older in her seventies and I don’t how much longer she will be able to drive. 

Boom, Boom, Boom!

Superglue is an amazing thing.  I painstakingly repaired my subwoofer with superglue yesterday -- carefully gluing the torn speaker pieces into place.  The proof in the pudding was when I fired up my stereo and cranked up the volume.  Pounding bass!  The kind of bass that rattles the kitchen cabinets.   I was so happy and overjoyed. I was sharing my exuberance with everyone in my family.  “Just what in the hell is a subwoofer?” dad asked.  Mom asked the same thing. I laughed -- so happy to have my subwoofer back. 

The Great Rift Ends…

It is like I have been caught in a chasm all week.  It happens every week.  Daytime AM radio is populated with outlandish conservative talk shows -- politics in a particular.   Something I don’t particularly relish.   The weekend means I can listen to my beloved AM talk radio again in the daytime.  Shows like Kim Komando and Leo Leporte help me with my computer.  Cigar Dave regales me in tales of some of the finest cigars in the land.  Car and Driver radio talks about the latest Lamborghini.  It is refreshing and much needed after a week of listening to talking heads bitch about “Obama Care” and illegal immigrants. 

Caught With My Pants Down…

“You haven’t come to get your Cokes yet,” mom said a moment ago over the phone. “I thought maybe you were feeling mentally unwell.  Are you having panic attacks?”

I smiled sheepishly.  Little did mom know that I was there when the police left and the backdoor of their home was open.  Charlie let me get some cokes and we locked the door.  I didn’t tell mom and dad knowing they would get on to me. Dad swears I am the only man in the USA that can get high off of cokes.   I have felt guilty ever since.  Used to, I wouldn’t have given a shit so I guess my conscience is improving with sobriety and AA. I still drank the diet Cokes, though.

“Um,” I replied not wanting to lie. “Just put the cokes out and I will be over right now to pick them up.”

“What are you doing?” mom then asked.

“Listening to Kim Comando on Computers,” I replied.

“You love that AM talk radio,” she said.

I drove over to get my six Cokes for the day.  It was raining and it was nice.  I thought how lucky I was to be alive on the drive and experiencing this day.  I was feeling very, very, very mentally well.  I was really enjoying the moment.  It is a good day to be alive and I hope this feeling lasts me for the day.  If only everyday were like this.   

Good-day Mick!

Mick Williams' Cyber-line is a radio show about nothing and something. And I love it! It would bore most people to tears, but Saturday comes and I grow more and more excited as 10 PM nears. I listen to the radio like most people watch TV. The Internet with regards to streaming radio is growing so exciting and innovative. No longer am I relegated to listening to those spurious right-wing political talk shows so prominent on today's airwaves. I have a choice and can forego politics completely! Awesome! I find modern politics a fool's errand anyway.

Going to try and stay up tonight. I slept for three hours late this afternoon getting ready. Actually, Dad brought my Benadryl and it puts me to sleep after taking it. He was headed with J.L. to a basketball game in Auburn. I find basketball, and most sports for that matter to be boring. Bunch of men running back and forth trying to stuff a ball in a basket is just not exciting to me. Now show me a motherboard with it's technical specifications and I get a hard-on. Oh sexy computer parts, where are you? I can't wait to be making some money again!