Computer Woes! How Slow Can You Go?

Charlie’s Janice called me at 9am. I was cleaning up the kitchen after a big breakfast. Tracy hadn't been gone to work for just an hour.

“My computer is running as slow as ever,” she told me woefully over the phone. “It is aggravating to say the least.”

“I’ll be right over,” I told Janice.

She’s running Windows 8.1 with only 4 GB of ram and a cheap Intel Celeron processor. That is her problem. Well, I gathered up a plethora and mötley crüe of sticks of spare RAM and set about hoping one or two would work and fit.

“Surely, she’s still not running DDR2,” I said to myself with a hope and a prayer as I headed to my car.

Janice nervously watched as I took apart her computer on their living room floor.  

Two sticks of Corsair XMS DDR3 8 GB RAM worked much to my surprise! I was elated. That gave Janice 16 GB of RAM. I must've carried twelve sticks with me. It was like a whole different computer. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this first! I was thinking that Dell would have some proprietary RAM and nothing I had would work.

I didn’t leave without getting a big bag of regular and diet Coke which is Charlie’s payment for when I work on their electronic gadgetry. I was happy to get them.

Janice called me back after I had gotten home.

“I don’t know what you did, but you supercharged my computer,” she said with a relieved sounding laugh. “Bless you, Andrew!”

Supper, Tracy, and Janice…

I’ve got mom’s recipe chili bubbling away on the stove. The house smells wonderful. Tracy should be home in about 30 minutes. Charlie also called me this afternoon and said Janice’s computer is acting up. I’ve already got a good idea of what’s going on and I haven’t even seen it yet. I will have to walk Janice through the process of removing the programs she doesn’t use and thus de-clogging Windows 10’s registry. She probably has forty programs and background processes that open on start up whereas I only have ten. My computer would run rings around hers as well. Charlie is so miserly that he buys Janice the cheapest computers except for the laptop he buys her every few years.

“Can I come pick you up in a little while?” Charlie asked. “Her computer is stalling.”

Charlie rolls into town around seven getting home from work.

“Sure,” I replied. “I hope I can fix Janice’s computer.”

Lord knows, Charlies done enough for me over the years. I am thinking of giving Janice one of my decent spare computers.

The only other thing I did today besides straightening up the house and getting lunch and supper started was to buy two surge protectors for my father’s TV and computer. He thought those little power strips were surge protectors. I woefully shook my head. It is getting that time of the year where we get to experience frequent electrical storms as my grandmother would call them. I wanted to get dad protected. His TV is especially sensitive to power surges and outages. 

Charlie’s Got Gas!

Tracy and I were sitting in the den last night when a car pulled up. I was reading a book (Twilight Series) and Tracy was doing needlepoint while the television incessantly droned on. Maggie went absolutely nuts and bonkers so that meant it was either my father or Charlie or both. It was Charlie.

“Come on and ride with me to go get some gas,” Charlie said, feeling lonesome. “Then we will get us a drink off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.”

Charlie said hello to Tracy and turned his attentions to Maggie. Maggie was in ecstasy as Charlie rubbed and petted her. 

“Let me get my coat,” I said, jumping at this chance to spend some time with my friend.

I grabbed my coat off the bed in the computer room and headed to the front door.

“We’ll only be gone about an hour,” Charlie told Tracy. “I won’t keep him away from you for long.”

“Y’all go have some fun!” Tracy replied, smiling.

Well, the traveling fair is in town and Charlie slowed way down to look at it and all the pretty lights as we passed on highway 29. A car behind us got to impatiently honking their horn because we were going so slow. Charlie shot them the bird and said, “Go around me assholes!”. Charlie’s driving is mediocre at best and can scare you. He swerved in his lane during all the commotion and I grabbed the “oh shit!” bar as if my life depended upon it.

We stopped and got some gas for the Caprica, not before looking at a few stations for the best price on regular unleaded. Charlie and I got on the subject of my ex-wife as we stood by the pump.

“She wasn’t just Mrs. Perfect either,” Charlie said which made me feel better. “Tracy and you are a much better match! Rachel was just too high strung and wanted to control you.”

Next was McDonald’s just across the street from the gas station. Charlie and I both got us a large dollar diet Coke. Boy, did that Coke taste delicious. We then headed towards home.

“What did you and Tracy eat for supper?” Charlie asked as he drove.

“We had shrimp and broccoli fettuccini,” I replied. “It was pretty good.”

“Well, I had peas and cornbread!” Charlie replied. “I don’t eat shrimp and I don’t think I have ever had a fettuccini.”

“You got the better meal,” I told him honestly. “I would die for some peas and cornbread!”

Janice, Charlie’s wife, cooks like Helen always cooked for us.

Upside Down and All Around…

“Your sister and niece are here,” my father said over the phone this afternoon. “Come over to see them. We are about to eat some cake.”

Dad had baked a pineapple upside down cake for the occasion. Charlie and Janice were there as well. As usual, Charlie stole the limelight and was the center of attention. Poor Janice has to lurk in his shadow.

Well, the cake was delicious. I ate two slices. Charlie had two slices as well. Much gratuity was given to the cook.

“We’re headed to the pet store to get toys for my rabbit,” my little niece told me.

My sister and her daughter soon left for Auburn. Janice went home. And Charlie finally left as well not until he had one more piece of cake. This left dad and I sitting in the den watching old SNL skits on YouTube. I had to take my leave as well as a cigarette had my name on it at home.

Dad and Charlie should be headed out soon for Sunday night fried chicken. I’ve already alerted the Magster who is sitting in the window and whining.  

Tracy Giggles, Charlie Chuckles…

Charlie called me this morning. I hadn’t been up long, but I was dressed. I was fixin to head to Old Fuss and Feather’s house.

“I am coming to get you,” Charlie said. “Our TV is talking to us every time you press a button.”

“How did y’all get it to do that?” I asked incredulously.

“Oh hell, I don’t know,” Charlie replied. “Janice must’ve hit the wrong button.”

I laughed and Charlie chuckled.

“Well, you are going to have to come inside and say hello to Maggie when you come,” I told Charlie.

Charlie said he would. Soon, here he came rolling up my street. I told Maggie Charlie was here and she went apeshit bananas yet once again.

“Maggie Lou, just what are you doing?” Charlie asked exuberantly.

Maggie wiggled and barked in ecstasy as Charlie rubbed and petted her vigorously and robustly.

“Come on, let’s go fix my TV.”

It was a simple fix. I can’t remember exactly what I did, but there was a setting in the menu that turned off speech assist.

“That sure was easy,” Janice said lying on the couch while she watched the television.

“Andrew, I don’t know what we would do without you,” Charlie told me.

Charlie slipped me twenty dollars and gave me five sodas for the road. Charlie really does spoil me. I got one leaded regular Coca-Cola, two diet Cokes, and two Sprite Zeros. A motley mix, but right up my alley.

Marital Bliss…

I drove over to Charlie’s new house this afternoon to see what was going on. There is always something interesting going on at Charlie’s house. He had a carpenter installing new kitchen cabinets today. They were gorgeous.

“I am getting a new glass black top stove after this,” Charlie told me. ”Just like yours, Andrew.”

“I don’t know how we are going to afford it,” Charlie’s frugal wife said looking at me.

I chuckled and Charlie jeered and mocked Janice playfully.

Janice needed something from Charlie’s other house, the house by my father’s, so we set off on a mission.

“Get you two diet Cokes out of the fridge before we go,” Charlie, the feeder, told me.

“You know?” I said to Charlie. “My grandmother always said everybody needed to be married at least once for the lessons about life it teaches you.”

Charlie laughed and agreed. It certainly was true for my ex-wife and I. It will teach you temperance quickly.

I happily obliged about the diet Cokes. They were ice cold, crisp, and delicious. We got in Charlie’s Caprica and away we went. I sat in the running car while Charlie brought out a big box of various things and put them on the backseat. I should have gotten out and helped him.

“You hungry?” Charlie asked as he got back in the car. “Let’s run down to McDonald’s and get us a big Big Mac.”

We got Janice and the carpenter something to eat as well after a phone call to see what they wanted. I headed home to eat my extra value meal thanking Charlie so much for lunch. The smell of that McDonald’s food about drove Maggie crazy. There was some serious begging going on and a pout when she didn’t get enough. 

A Windfall of Bad News…

“My TV is not working,” dad told me over his cellphone. “I am fixing to drive out to WOW! office and get another cable box. Will you hook it up for me?”

My father is addicted to his television and all of this sent him into a frenzied stir. He had been without TV since last night. It is kind of like a crack addict on the prowl for another fix.

“Let me get a hot shower and I will be over there at one,” I told him.

So, I scrubbed clean all my dangly bits and shampooed my hair. Soon, I was on the way to my father’s house armed with a spare HDMI cable thinking that was what was wrong.

“I hate to tell you this,” I told my father after he had been on the phone with WOW! for thirty minutes. “But it is your TV and not the cable box. The TV won’t even come on. You should still be able to watch Netflix or Blu-ray discs even if the cable box is broken.”

Dad frowned, looked exasperated, and said he would call and get Charlie to get him a new TV tonight on his way home from work.

“Will you come and hook it up?”

“Just call me when the TV gets there,” I told my father. “Let’s try to make it before eleven, though.”

Horror of Horrors…

As I was leaving my father’s house, I saw something white stuck under Charlie’s garage door on the house he owns next to my father. I walked up the bank to the driveway and it was Felix, Charlie’s and Janice's cat. The garage door had been shut upon him and killed him. I called my father not knowing what to do and he said he would call Charlie and take care of it. It made us all sick at our stomachs. Felix was such a good and personable cat. I know Charlie and Janice will both cry over this unfortunate bit of news. Don’t think a tear didn’t erupt at the corner of my eye as well. I hate I had to be the harbinger of such bad news today.

It’s Time For a Little Cool Around Here…

“Tony is coming in the morning to install your air conditioning,” Charlie told me as he handed me a sack of biscuits and a Coke.

“Thank goodness!” I exclaimed to Charlie. “Thank you so much for calling.”

“I told Tony he was going to miss out on a good sale if he didn’t hurry up,” Charlie said. “I was going to get John to get an estimate from somewhere else.”

Charlie was in a hurry today as well and didn’t dawdle. He said goodbye and was headed to my father’s house with the always contentious senior coffee and then home with Janice's and Horsefly’s biscuits. It didn’t stop Maggie from putting on a good show, though, which pleased me.

I couldn’t eat my sausage biscuit this morning so Maggie got two. She was pleased as a peach. I always love it when Charlie brings bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits – such a nice change of pace. I’m first at the dinner plate when he does that.

I Spoke Too Soon…

It got downright hot in here today at 83°F. The sun has set and it is a wonderful 66°F outside and I can feel the cool air blowing in from the bedroom fan. Maggie’s conked out in her favorite place on the rug in the computer room enjoying the cool air as well. It is supposed to get up to 91°F Saturday. I hope they get that HVAC installed in the next day or so or lord have mercy on my soul.

Pleasant Calls…

Janice called me tonight to thank me for her new to her computer. She said she was astounded at how fast the computer was.

“I’ve always had to wait on my computers,” she said to me. “Now my computer waits on me.”

She offered to pay me, but I would have none of that. Charlie has done countless similar things for me over the years. 

The Plans for Becoming 46 Years Old or Just Plain Old…

Dad called me from work in a very chipper mood this afternoon. He sounded like he is having a very good day.

“What kind of cake do you want?” he asked. “I need to go ahead and order it at the bakery.”

“Just your standard Kroger deli birthday cake,” I replied. “I love the icing on those cakes.”

“You don’t want a computer themed cake?” dad then asked.

I laughed.

“I am getting a little too old for themed cakes,” I replied with a chuckle.

“You always get a Papa John’s pizza every year. Do you want that as well?” he asked.

“That would be great,” I told my father. “Get me an ex-large with the works and some cheesy bread.”

“I know you want to keep it low key so I’ve only invited Charlie, Janice, and Horsefly.”

“That sounds great,” I replied relieved.

My father can get grandiose and make this a grand affair quickly. Next thing you know it, dad can have the whole class of 1964 invited.

Breakfast By Charlie...

"I moved shit all day yesterday and I am sore as hell today," Charlie told me over Maggie's furtive whinings.

"Well, you are 73 years old and no spring chicken," I replied with a laugh.

"Here's you and Maggie some breakfast," Charlie said, handing me a drink and a sack of food.

It was more Burger King croissants and a Diet Coke from McDonald's. It will make a fine lunch since I had already cooked my and Maggie's four eggs and two strips of bacon.

"Janice was thrilled to death to be back online and to get her computer fixed," Charlie said. "Thank you so much. She spent hours on her iPad last night and swore you did something to make it faster."

"Well, I appreciate the TV as it makes my old one pale in comparison," I replied to Charlie.

"I'm headed to Dadeville," Charlie said of work. "I'll see you two again tonight or tomorrow. Love you."

I told Charlie I loved him as well and he was on his way. Maggie let loose a flurry of "don't go" barks as he walked across my front yard to his car.

I went and got back on my computer when there was another knock on the door. I looked outside and a plumber's truck was sitting at the curb. I walked into the den to open the door.

"You're obviously not a Shanika," the plumber said. "I must have the wrong address."

We both burst out in laughter and he was on his way again. Boy, did it get Maggie's knickers in a twist, though. She barked for a good thirty minutes after he left.

My New Television...

Well, I got Janice's computer situated and running like a well-oiled machine. It had multiple problems. The speakers weren't working, her wifi wasn't connecting to her iPad and iPhone, and the printer wasn't working.

"Simplest things first," I said as I got started troubleshooting which is my motto when working with computers.

The speaker's power cord was unplugged and then the speakers weren't turned on. The printers USB cable wasn't attached to the back of the printer. The wireless router's ethernet connection wasn't inserted into the back of the cable internet modem. Janice was overjoyed at what I got accomplished. I made sure her phone and iPad where online along with the computer and then headed to Papa's house for a rest and some conversation.

Virulent Happenings...

I've got the flu and I was one of the inoculated millions who got a flu shot. It is probably the first time in ten or more years I have had a cold or the flu. I waved off tonight's grocery visit despite my father's urgings. Dad has had the crud as well. Horsefly is really, really sick, and Charlie and Janice have been sick as well. You feel as if you've been hit by a Mack truck. I might be quiet for a few days so don't think something terrible has happened. I just don't feel well. I'm probably too busy blowing my nose to blog.

Comment Replies...

Blogger glittermom said...

Anything special going on for New Years? Food?

Andrew Replies...

Glittermom, dad and my brother are at the Peach Bowl in Atlanta watching Auburn play the University of Central Florida.

For lunch, I ate with Charlie and family. We had the Southern new year's tradition of pork loin, turnip greens, and black-eyed peas to ring in the new year. Janice's cooking was absolutely delicious as always. Charlie is coming to the house later to bring my cigarettes and diet Cokes. He has to get them at my father's house and bring them over.

Weather-wise, it never got above freezing here today which is extremely odd weather for us to have. We're having a brutally cold start to the new year.

I've Felt Broken Down Myself a Few Times as Well...

The phone rang and it took me a second to recognize the voice. It was Charlie's wife, Janice. This bode unusual and extremely out of the ordinary.

"Charlie's bringing you supper," she said. "But he forgot to take his phone with him and Erin's (Charlie's granddaughter) car is broken down 30 miles south of Atlanta. She says she feels entirely unsafe."

Charlie arrived with a Big Mac value meal, giant Coke, and medications. I walked out to his car to see if he needed help bringing anything in and he did. We had my six nightly diet Cokes to contend with as well.

"Call your wife," I said handing him my cellphone once he got inside. "Erin's car has broken down south of Atlanta."

Charlie told me to dial the number and then hand the phone back to him.

"Meet me at the end of the driveway with my phone and a glass of tea," he told Janice and he was on the way to rescue his granddaughter.

I told Charlie I would be glad to go and help him. If it was a flat tire, then that would be right up my alley. Charlie was worried about how my medications would affect me if I had to drive.

My Cup Runneth Over After a Slightly Longish Delay...

10:30 am rolled around and Charlie had still not arrived with our usual Sunday morning biscuits.  I gathered up some serious moxie and called his cellphone. Charlie can be funny about such things thinking you are hurrying him up.  I hate talking on the phone as well. Charlie's wife, Janice, answered.

"He forgot to take his phone with him," Janice explained. "He's off to a very late start this morning. I am hungry for a biscuit as well. "

I was just glad he was okay. My vivid imagination conjured up car wrecks and severe illnesses.

Soon, I heard Maggie start yelping gleefully as Charlie pulled up to the curb.

"The biscuit man is running late," Charlie said as I met him halfway across my front lawn.

"It is cold as shit out here and you are wearing shorts and a t-shirt," I told Charlie chuckling.

"What do you want for supper?" Charlie then asked me.

"My usual chicken pot pie fill-up and don't forget or eat my cookie!" I exclaimed.

"I am going to start calling you the cookie monster," Charlie said smiling as he was getting into his car.

OMG! WOW!?

I just have gotten a call from a WOW! customer service representative. I asked him what was causing the holdup and he said he just got the "work order" this morning. He was going to try his best to fulfill my wishes. I explained to him that I no longer want cable (this always stymies them). I want the 500 Mbps internet with voice over IP instead of a traditional phone.

"Do you want to rent the equipment from us?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

I couldn't convince my father into buying a cable modem and voice over IP equipment.

"I am going to call you tomorrow and set up a time to exchange your modem," he said. "What will be a good time?"

"As early as possible," I told him. "I will be here all day."

Getting that modem changed is the key to my master plan. Then, I will have much faster internet.

He Has Come and Gone...

My poor dearest Maggie! She sat in the den window tonight for two hours holding a constant vigil waiting for Charlie to arrive. Charlie was running late as he was trying to coordinate my medication regimen and Horsefly's bowling regimen.

"I am coming!" Charlie said in a hasty phone call. "I will be there as soon as I can."

Maggie embodies jubilant when she saw Charlie pull up to the curb.

"You're off duty now," I told Charlie after he arrived.

We took my medications and I patted him on the back and profusely thanked him for all he did for me this past week.

"Johnny Otis will be here tomorrow night, but I am still going to miss you."

"His flight is supposed to land at 2:30 AM tonight," Charlie told me. "Your brother is driving up to Atlanta to pick him up."

Charlie didn't leave without bringing treats, though. I got a six pack of ice cold regular "leaded" Cokes for the evening. This just thrilled this dear soul to death. Janice had also cooked some homemade corned beef hash and I got a big Tupperware container of it with it still being quite warm. There was also some still warm cornbread to eat it with wrapped in tinfoil.

What A Nice Salad You Have There!

Charlie ran by breakfast this morning which is our routine. Sunday mornings are always looked forward to and cherished. He was running a little later than usual. Maggie was first to alert me to his arrival. I got very excited and was so very glad to see him. I was holding out on the hopes that he would arrive soon.

"I am in a hurry or I would visit with you folks," Charlie told me as he handed me and Maggie's sausage biscuits through the door. "Horsefly is acting antsy Janice said. Lord knows we don't want Horsefly to pitch a hissy fit."

Charlie told me he had to tear up Horsefly's sausage biscuit in small little bits or he will get sick at his stomach. I do the same for the Magster. She wolfs down her food and I always worry she will get choked.

"Thank you fella," I told him very affectionately as I gave him a man hug.

A few hours later, I was sitting at this computer browsing about electric cars when my father called. Did you know my brother's electric Tesla produces the equivalent of 400 horsepower? Also, the torque of an electric motor is almost instant, unlike a car whose engine has to build its torque as the engine rpm's rise.

Back to the matters at hand after that little segue.

"Janice is making chicken salad for lunch. Do you want to come and ride with me? I'll pick you up in a few moments."

"Give me time to throw on some decent clothes and I will be ready to go," I told my father.

I immediately went rummaging through my clothes dryer looking for a good shirt and pair of shorts that weren't too wrinkled.

After we arrived, Janice asked me if I wanted a chicken salad sandwich or if I wanted to eat my chicken salad with crackers. I opted for the crackers and they were absolutely delicious.

Pass the Perfectly Potable Sweet Iced Tea and the Potato Salad Please...

"Charlie? Cook the hell out of them!" my father said cajoling Charlie as he stood next to the grill flipping burgers and turning dogs this evening.

"Your better watch out as you may get what you want," Charlie told my father chuckling.

Now, this is how a good cookout should be. We don't have to have the whole Valley over and a close-knit group of friends can have a delicious supper together -- relaxed and conversational without social anxiety, strife, and stressful awkward dialog.

Charlie had a little impromptu cookout late this evening. Dad's favorite thing Charlie grills is his value pack hot dogs. Charlie grills the cheapest brands of hot dogs he can find and they come out tasting delicious. I still prefer Hebrew National hot dogs, though. Dad says they are too frou-frou and expensive for him. This is coming from a man that cooks filet mignons once a week.

"I'd rather have your pork chops and rice over any other meal you cook," I told my father and the entourage and we all agreed what a good meal it was.

"I ate two hotdogs and a hamburger," my father said sitting next to me on the couch now back home -- Maggie's couch that is. "I am stuffed."

The medication ritual and Maggie's ritual stops for nothing, though.

Earlier, I was asking Charlie's wife (Janice) if I could have some more potato salad and she told me to eat all I wanted. I took her literally. She was pleased I was so enamored by it.

Charlie has told me before of his secret to a great hamburger and that is to let the ground chuck marinate in Lea and Perrins Worcestershire sauce overnight in the fridge.

As I was leaving, Charlie handed me a big sack of goodies.  There were two hot dogs and two hamburgers and big Tupperware container of Janice's potato salad. The were also a big bag of potato chips. Ah, Bless!

George, Casseroles, and Shortcake...

Janice cooked a beef and macaroni casserole last night. It was really cheesy on top. You know me and casseroles, right? I was in absolute heaven. It was accompanied by a big cast iron pan of Janice's pork cracklin' cornbread.

Finally, we could savor my father's fruits of his labor. He worked all afternoon slicing strawberries. The strawberry shortcakes were delicious. I went back for an extra helping of casserole and dessert and felt overly stuffed -- that kind of uncomfortable fullness.

"You sprinkled sugar all over these strawberries like you mother would do," I told my father who was smiling.

Late Calls Before Bedtime...

"Dad? Do you ever get lonely?" I asked my father last night late on the phone feeling maudlin.

"It is quiet now that your mother is gone, but I don't ever get lonely," he told me. "This phone rings constantly."

I was missing my old friend George last night. I could call him and he would be right over in his Dodge Diplomat with a case of beer, pizza, and lots of debauchery.

"Are you okay?" my father asked me sincerely. "I will come over and sit for awhile if you want me to."

"I'm fine," I told my gracious father in reply. "You go to bed and I am headed that way myself."