She Pulled My Heart Out and Stomped that Sucker Flat…

It supremely crushes my heart to see Wendy on Facebook. She is on there all the time – sometimes late, late into the night.  I want to delete her as a friend to spare myself the pain and heartbreak, but I keep hoping she will try and make contact with me once again.  I wish it were just a simple cooling off period.  I really had my heart set on this lady and I guess I was wrong.

“You can find someone much, much better than her if you try,” my father callously told me tonight.

The problem is that I don’t want to find anyone else.  I am tired of searching and I thought I had found the one.  The right one. I felt so connected to her.  We had this symbiosis thing going for us.  Our torrid relationship ended about as quick as it started. 

All Hallows Eve…

I didn’t get a lot of trick or treaters as I had planned.  My front lights were on and my pumpkin was brightly lit. They just didn’t show. 

My brother and my sister thankfully stopped by with a vanload of a nephew and nieces.  They each got a Snickers bar or a peanut butter cup. I am eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup as I write this. Yummy to my tummy. I should gain back all those pounds I lost when feeling so mentally ill. I have a lot of expensive candy left. 

The Early Birds Get the Earliest Worms…

I woke up and sat down in front of my computer in the den – the computer on the wireless connection in the front of the house. Maggie was like “don’t go” as I got out from under our warm covers.  It was 5:58am and the temperature was hovering around 47° degrees outside – our coldest day of this fall so far. I turned up the heat in this frigid house and got on Facebook to see what happened last night.  Boy, Wendy sure was busy posting overnight. It hurts me to see her posts for some reason – that she couldn’t give me the time of day and that she is posting on all that inconsequential bullshit.

I then heard that familiar and loud crack of an opening beer can as my neighbor began another day of imbibing in John Barleycorn on the carport.  He will go get some breakfast at the Waffle House once the sun rises upon the horizon.  Dad said he was pissing off the carport with the light on last night which made me laugh and smile for some strange reason. “I guess when you’ve got to go you’ve got to go.”  Beer always would make me piss like a racehorse as well. 

Football Kickoff Time…

Tomorrow is the Auburn and Ole Miss football game.  It will be interesting to see if my father brings my medication before he goes or afterwards.  The game starts at noon eastern time.  I am pretty sure that after such an early starting game, that I will not get my medications until late tomorrow night unless Charlie comes by here before Horsefly goes to the movies.  That will be around 4pm. That scenario is very probable and the one I am hoping for. 

7:35am – Just made a mad dash to my parents house for my diet Cokes sitting on the porch.  I got caught in the elementary school traffic on my way.  My Cokes were good and cold this morning, though, so they didn’t have to spend some time in the freezer. 

Photo Credit:  http://inkybeer.com/2013/08/18/pabst-blue-ribbon-tattoos-and-graffiti-art-are-everywhere/

Photo Credit #2:  http://www.saturdaydownsouth.com/sec-football/infographic-auburn-olemiss-preview/

Curmudgeons…

My appetite still hasn’t quite returned.  I have a glut of homemade spaghetti and meat sauce over here out the wazoo. I put a bunch of it in the freezer in what little Tupperware I have.

It bugs the shit out of my father when I cook like this.  He commented on how dirty my stovetop looked last night.  He also says he is afraid I will be like my mother and burn the house down. 

“That will take a total of ten minutes to clean up,” I told him of the stove as I grinned not taking the bait for an argument.

Right now, I have some bone in chicken breasts boiling on the stove along with lots of salt, cracked pepper, celery and Vidalia onions.  This is the backbone of my poppy seed chicken casserole which I will put together tonight and then I will freeze it for a much leaner week.  My freezer is about to get full if I keep this up.

Other things in my freezer include a loaf of pumpkin spice bread, doughnuts, and a big container of my father's vegetable soup and also a container of his scrumptious bean-less chili. There are also a few assorted Marie Callendar meals as well.

Photo Credit:  http://www.joyfullythriving.com/2013/10/delicious-poppy-seed-chicken/

Great Salutations…

I badly need to check my email more often.  I received a really nice email today from a reader who suffers from mental illness. How are these people finding my email address?  I told her that emails like that urge me on as far as writing this blog goes.  Mental illness can be a lonely disease leaving us in the dark as far as life is concerned.  I told her to never hesitate emailing me if she needs a friend in arms to talk to.  I also wrote to her my real name and asked for her to join me on Facebook. 

We’re All Out of Dates For the Dating Game…

Wendy and I are basically ignoring each other it seems these days. I have no idea of what her feelings were about the matter.  She most certainly deeply hurt my feelings last weekend and I don’t bruise easily.  I see her on Facebook all he time often for hours at a time.  Dad says I dodged a bullet as he knows her family well. Who in the hell doesn’t my father know would be the most pertinent question.

“They were all crazy as loons,” dad said to me callously.

I was writing her encouraging little notes every day until she sent me that frowny face emoticon after Friday’s message as if it was bothering her.  I never sent another.  I basically fell off the radar so to speak.

Photo Credit:   http://www.sensibleland.org/

Life’s Ultimate Trials and Tribulations…

Well, Wendy sent me two very vague (at best) Facebook “stickers” back last night around 1:30am in our chat timeline and no sentences.  One looked like what I think was she was either tired or aggravated and one looked like she was sleepy or depressed.  Not really sure of what she meant, but I am out of here as far as that rigmarole goes anymore.  I’m no longer playing the game. She lost a good and loving guy with a very, very big heart.  Maybe dating and relationships are just not in the cards for me.  I’ve fought the good fight despite countless and seemingly insurmountable odds such as my turgid social anxiety is concerned. Now? I am laying down my arms and walking away from this battlefield.

Photo Credit:   http://www.lastdaysministries.org/Articles/1000008512/Last_Days_Ministries/LDM/Discipleship_Teachings/Melody_Green/Binding_Up_the.aspx

A Good Day to You Darlin’…

This is a note I left Wendy today. I try to do this one positive thing everyday so she will know I am thinking of her.  Our chats keep growing longer and longer as we get to know each other more and more. I can just now hear the ice cracking. I’ve been taking a very forward kind of carpe diem approach to this relationship. 

I just wanted to say hello to one of Facebook's more awesome denizens.  I hope you are having a good day. I want to lie down and take a nap with Maggie, but I am afraid I will stay up all night.  I hope you have a super day with lots of cool things happening.  Take care of yourself, Andrew.

I keep waiting for her to make the next move and tell me when she wants to go out and have dinner one night, or maybe I should take the initiative and ask her point blank.  She told me she would let me know when she is ready.

A Most Enjoyable Experience…

Many mornings lately I have been leaving Wendy a little note of encouragement in her Facebook message inbox.  This is very forward of me and is also very out of character seeing how shy I am in my real life.  This afternoon we chatted for almost an hour.  It is fun getting to know someone you are interested in. She’s turning out to be a real class act and I very much want us to be at least good friends.  To date would just be the icing on the cake.

Today’s Exchange Proves More Promising…

Andrew -  Hey, I hope you have a super morning and a great day today. I have no pressing matters to attend to and it is going to be very nice. I will probably waste my day listening to music and hanging out on my computers.

Wendy -  I'm at hospital taking glucose test...tasted yucky

I waste alot of days also until I get the kids then I am busy. Today is stimulus tuesday and I am taking kids to movies after school and probably petco. Even popcorn and cokes are a $1.

Andrew -  That sounds like an awesome day. I bet the kids will really enjoy it. I hope your glucose test comes out okay.

Wendy -  Meeting a bf at Milanos for lunch. She's not here yet if you're out about you can pop in

Andrew -  Thanks so much for the invite. I really appreciate it.

Wendy -  We are tacky today so don't judge. She just got out of school

Andrew -   LOL

Wendy -  She is married. I told her about you

Andrew -   Oh cool. I probably won't be able to get things together so soon to make it in time.. You know shower shave ATM. But I extremely appreciated the invite.

Wendy -  Ok we will soon

Andrew -  i hope so and I am looking forward to it.

I am not going to wimp out on you this time! LOL

Who Me? I am not a Stalker…

I keep stalwartly trying and trying to win over Wendy’s affections.  Every morning I send her an encouraging message of goodwill, but I worry I am pushing my luck – that she is going to think I am a stalker.  It seems like I may be barking up the wrong tree.  I don’t get much of an response other than a simple, “Thank You.”  Life's too short to live alone and I have been making great strides in combating my social anxieties with regards to these endeavors. 

Photo Credit:    http://www.memedroid.com/gallery/116078

Maggie Says it is Time to Rise and Shine…

Maggie let it be known that she was very hungry this morning.  She had a bowl of her kibble last night after my father had left.  I guess it didn’t fill her up. She woke me up at 6am with that mewling noise she makes meaning she was hungry again and needs more kibble.  I stumbled into the laundry room half asleep and got her a bowl of Purina One and then sleepily stumbled back to my bedroom. As all this was going on, I noticed my neighbor was already in his chair on the carport and it was still pitch black and quite chilly outside. He had his carport light on. You have to give him an A for effort.

She’s a Sweet ‘ole Gal…

I have three really cool computers at the moment – four if you count my venerable iPad.  My beloved retro gaming computer is in my computer room.  The other two are in the den and my bedroom respectively.  I play musical computers quite often preferring one computer over the others.  Well, whatever room I am in is where Maggie is going to be sleeping.  She terribly hates to be left alone in a room.

Do Things Sometimes Work Out for the Best?

The state of my dating affairs is pretty dismal at the moment to say the least.  Wendy is ignoring me on Facebook for starters because I stood her up on that date.  I guess it left a bitter taste in her mouth. I don’t blame her for being gun-shy.

The more I learn about Wendy – the more my eyebrows get carefully raised, though.  I learned yesterday through the grapevine that she doesn’t have custody of her youngest daughter who is in foster care and she also had a terrible methamphetamine addiction a few years ago.  It makes me wonder what she would think about the life I lived 10 years ago?  I’m am most definitely no saint and not much of one to judge, but is does make you take pause for a few moments there.  Judge not lest ye be judged I keep telling myself. Everybody deserves a second chance. 

Persistence Does Pay Off Sometimes…

Well, Wendy is giving me a second wind and a second chance after all that’s been said and done. She’s a true sweetheart.  I better get it right this time with little to no shenanigans.  I had to grovel to get this far. 

We are going to meet at Sonic in our respective cars and get a milkshake – an ice breaker of sorts.  I know she thinks I am the fruitiest of fruitcakes by now.  I guess persistence does pay off in the end.  I told you all I had a bulldog’s tenacity about this whole experience and this endeavor. 

I really and completely surprised myself about this ordeal as well.  I had to muddle through tons of social anxiety and phone phobias to make it this far. I was definitely out of my comfort zone. I sure hope that it was worth it in the end.

Groveling Much?

Wendy, would you be so kind as to give me a second chance? I can understand if you don’t and I will leave you alone.  I promise I won’t stand you up and not show.  You have my very solemn vow.  I thought we could just keep things simple at first and possibly go get a milkshake one day next week at Sonic. If you want me to leave you alone then just disregard this message.  

I wrote Wendy this message last night.  I sort of have a bulldog tenacity about us going out right now.  I just hope she gives me a second chance.  If she doesn’t, then it will be important life lesson for me on how to treat people.

Breakfast is Served…

I awoke and sleepily looked at the clock above my bed and it read 9pm this Sunday morning.  I knew then that Charlie would be here in mere moments.  Maggie took her place on the couch whining while I hurriedly dressed and then I sat at my computer in the den occasionally looking outside. Charlie soon came slowly pulling up to the curb with breakfast. 

Photo Credit:   http://mcdonalds.wikia.com/wiki/Egg_McMuffin

Dixie Goes to Another Forever Home…

I can get very, very choked up writing about this issue, but here it goes.  Dad tenaciously fought me both tooth and nail about keeping Dixie. I just haven't written about it. It was a constant source of contention between the both of us.  I will agree with my father that Dixie, the great Pyrenees, was too big for my house.  Maggie also stayed a nervous wreck about that very busy dog and she never accepted Dixie as a member of our family.  Maggie was the boss to the bitter end.  My father came and picked Dixie up to take her to her new forever home. 

To Have a Friend You Must First Be a Friend…

Wendy said…

I have just seen your message. Well I will not bite you. I am not beautiful or fancy I am a redheaded nut so come on I am ready. I had not even checked my phone today

It's ok I am not all that anyway and was nothing to be nervous about. I am on disability I don't have a career or anything. I used to be a train wreck now I live right. I don't smoke or use drugs. I am sorry you changed your mind.

My worst fears were realized when Wendy deleted her Facebook account yesterday.  It took me about an hour of fretting and pacing the floor until I finally got up the courage to call her to apologize for screwing up our date.  She really appreciated me doing that. 

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to call her and see if she wants to get a milkshake at Sonic – something simple and easily doable other than an elaborate meal. My intent is on us getting to know each other better and to get to feeling comfortable around each other as well.  

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap…

I cancelled Wendy’s and my lunch date early this morning.  I woke up extremely and severely anxious and nervous and I decided I wasn't putting myself through all that today.  I want a quiet day alone in my home and without all the pressure of what I was going to have to choreograph to get us out to lunch and back home.

“What’s wrong?” Wendy asked me over the phone. “I was so looking forward to seeing you. I haven’t seen you since high school.”

“I have severe social anxiety and things such as this are extremely hard for me to do,” I replied honestly. “I do better some days, but today is just not one of those days.”

I then called my father for his advice.

“You made me feel better,” my father said on the phone a moment ago. “You can’t do all that and keep your mental health. I’ve been so worried about you trying too hard to find a social life.”

“And don’t you feel badly about it either,” my father then told me. “You have to do what you have to do to keep on an even keel.”

I feel terrible about it all anyway, but the most oppressive and uncomfortable butterflies I’ve been experiencing in years have gone away.  I feel at peace now and it is a wonderful feeling. 

Photo credit:    http://fcaaonline.com/events/10th-annual-poker-run/

Tomorrow’s Date–Today’s Good Samaritan…

Everything is all set for my and Wendy’s lunch date tomorrow.  The only task I have left to do is wash my car and it is supposed to rain so I might not be able to do that today.  Rain is encroaching upon the Georgia/Alabama state line as I write this. 

I also withdrew $40 dollars for lunch.  A large pizza at Johnny’s New York Style Pizza will cost around $20 dollars.  I have some of my nicest casual clothes laundered, folded, and sitting on my dresser as well. I threw a few extra fabric softener sheets in the dryer to get my clothes smelling extra clean and fresh.

Wendy and I have been doing some chatting via Facebook and she seems like such a kind and caring soul.  She is taking a friend, Tina, whom we both went to high school with to Birmingham today to see the specialists at the Kirkland Clinic. That is a very long drive.  Our old classmate has a tumor in her sinuses.  They find out today if it is malignant or not.

“She is scared to death,” Wendy aptly wrote me this morning. “I am going to try to take her mind off such things.”

“Bless her dear heart,” I replied. “I hope it is benign.”

Wendy is taking her to Vulcan state park and out to eat somewhere nice.