Just Call Me Slick...

There are still a lot of slick spots on the road. I had to be really careful going over to my father's house this afternoon. Charlie hasn't worked all week -- contentedly painting his new house. He can't make it that far to Dadeville. He tried this morning to go into work and State Troopers turned him around saying a jack-knifed semi was up the road.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked my father as I plopped down in the chair in his den.

"I'm fine today, but I have been swigging Kaopectate occasionally," he replied.

"I've got the bug today," I told Old Fuss and Feathers. "I can't be too far from a bathroom."

"Damn you!" I said with a good-natured laugh. "You gave me this shit!"

Dad gave me some money to go buy some Kaopectate at Fred's. Fred's had yet another new cashier. You can't keep up with them all. It is like a revolving door. I was sure to bring the change and receipt back to him before heading home. I got some Pepto Bismal and sour Skittles candy as well making full use of the money my father gave me.

Despite being addled with a stomach bug and cramps, I was in good spirits and dad and I were laughing and joking about various things.

Looking For a Woman to Court and Spark...

I was standing in Fred's this afternoon in the checkout line. I was getting next week's allotment of hard candy and a pack of large cotton t-shirts.

"Andrew!" a voice said excitedly and loudly catching me off guard.

It was a lady named Jane I went to high school with. Oh boy, do I remember Jane. I wouldn't give her the time of day back then and she would come on so strongly sexually. I was so glad I was neatly dressed in nice clothes. I was actually presentable for yet another day.

"How are you old friend?" she asked.

"I am fine," I replied bashfully awkwardly giving her a hug. "You look really great!"

It was her turn to blush under all that makeup she was wearing. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her sometime. I meekly said I would.

"He's a good customer of ours," the nosey cashier, Wanda, chimed in boastfully interjecting her thoughts.

I said goodbye with another hug and walked out to my car kind of shaken.

You all know I won't make that phone call. I would be a nervous wreck and make a fool out of myself. The thought was nice though. She's probably married with three kids by now most likely anyway.

Yay! I Have Undies...

Captain Commando Himself!

"How much do you think underwear costs?" my father asked me a moment ago.

I had just driven to his house with undies on the brain. My dangly bits needed some support.

"I bet it is about $5 to $6 dollars a pack," I replied.

Dad gave me $20 and I headed to Fred's Super Dollar Store. I purchased two packages of Fruit of the Loom undies and brought dad the change back.

My father had me a massive care package of Christmas leftovers ready for me when I was ready to drive home. We are going to be eating good in the neighborhood tonight!

Going Captain Commando...

I am going commando today as my last pair of underwear bit the dust. The elastic gave way.

"Oh, I dread going to Walmart to get you more," dad said over the phone. "Come over and get your Cokes and cigarettes while I think."

I headed to my father's house and was there in just a few minutes.

"Fred's just down the street has men's underwear," I told my father upon arriving. "Let me call them and make sure."

"You sure?" dad asked with a skeptics mind.

I looked up the number in the phone book. A lady told me over the phone that they did indeed have men's underwear.

"Can you go commando until tomorrow?" dad asked and I said yes.

He was so relieved he didn't have to go to Walmart and could just drive down the street. He was doubly surprised that I would make such a call with my phone phobias. He accused me of being hyper and on a Martha high.

"You've got it in your genes!" dad said laughing. "You know it is true!"

Yes, I was on a Martha high. I calmed down some and got a big plate of Christmas leftovers and my diet Cokes/cigarettes and headed home before any more accusations could be made. I had some barbecue pork roast to share with Maggie and me.

Code Red...

"Are you up for taking your medications?" dad asked about last hour.

He sounded like he was in a Nascar race, but it was only Hwy 29.

"Honestly?" I said. "You and I both know I shouldn't take them so early, but I would love to take them."

"I can relax all afternoon," I then further told my father.

"I am walking into the bank right now and then I will be over there in about an hour," my father told me. "I've got continuing education for pharmacists tonight down in Auburn."

We should've got Charlie to bring them in hindsight I realized. My impetuance always gets me in trouble.

Dad finally arrived...

"Did you know you are supposed to have your Lithium levels constantly monitored?" dad asked. "We need to talk to your doctor the next time we see him. If the levels are too high it could damage your liver."

Lordy, I don't need any more doctors. problems or procedures is what I was thinking and I expressed this to my father.

"It will just be a simple blood test you can get at Kamath Medical I assure you," my father told me.

That made me feel much, much better. The ladies at Kamath Medical know how to take good care of me.

A Five Finger Discount...

I had an interesting occurrence in Fred's Super Dollar Store a few hours ago. I just wanted some mixed nuts which is my name sake. A rangy looking fellow set off the anti-theft alarm at the door and then took off running like a bullet to his car.

"Sir! Come back here!" the cashier said loudly and frustratingly in vain.

She couldn't leave the register unattended.

The manager walked out into the parking lot trying to stop him, but to no avail. That fellow was long gone out of the parking lot with a chirp of his tires. 

It Was Definitely The Charlie Thing to Do...

I headed to Fred's Super Dollar after lunch and got a quart of motor oil for my lawn mower. It has sat in the basement for several summers and needed some TLC.

Fred's was in a state of bedlam as their delivery truck was there which left one person to manage the front of the store including the cash register. I noticed Fred's uses a conveyor belt system similar to Dollar General's to unload their wares.

I then got a gallon of fresh gas at Circle K. I would never get my lawn mower to crank with that old gas that was in it. I was going to try and display the better angels of my nature.

My other neighbor besides George is just dirt poor. I think she rents her house and she busts her ass to make ends meet and she has to work all the time. She can't cut her grass due to her age and she can't afford to have somebody to come cut it as well. I thought I would surprise her today and cut her grass this afternoon. Her yard is not much bigger than a postage stamp and it was really grown up with knee high weeds.

Well? I learned one thing today from all of this. I am so out of shape it is pitiful and to think I cut my grass and Joyce's (my deceased neighbor) as well many years ago. When I started to have my severe anxiety attacks, Charlie took over cutting my grass then. Now we get Lopez Landscaping to manicure Charlie's several yards, my father's several yards and my yard.

Can There Be A World Without Want?

I hadn't been in Fred's for ages until this afternoon. I was almost out of my favorite Irish Spring deodorant. I've been getting it at Kroger but forgot this week and Fred's has a much better price as well.

"How have you been honey?" the white-maned cashier asked me.

"Fair to middling I guess," I told her with a warm smile.

I was surprised to see her still working there. Their employee turnover rate is like mucho crazy.

"If you still want a job, we can put you to work."

I thanked her profusely.

"Someday, I may take you up on that offer," I told her grinning warmly.

It is nice to be wanted, you know?

I know I would have to work for it but wouldn't it be nice not having Johnny Otis looking over my shoulder with everything I spend? To buy a computer part without the Spanish Inquisition after me?

As I walked out the door of Fred's, I saw a scratch off lottery ticket on the pavement in the parking lot. Of course, I had to go pick it up and look. I understand the allure of the things. They almost won $20 dollars. That's one thing I have no inclination to do and that is to play the lottery. My father callously says the lottery is a tax on stupid people.

Whew! Happy Birthday After All!

I was so worried all these game controllers wouldn't work with my computer and their corresponding emulators. That would be $95 dollars flushed deftly down the toilet. My worries were for naught thankfully. I have almost all of my ghetto computer's USB ports brimming with game controllers and tuned to my favorite emulators. Earlier, I was playing Breath of Fire on an SNES emulator. A game I've been wanting to play for years.

George? Don't Leave Us So Soon!

George has a very strong New England accent when you talk to him. I can't quite put my finger on what region, though. I also gave him my wrought iron rocking chair and he just loves it.

"Come over here, have a beer, and we will talk for awhile," he will say to me when he catches me outside.

Well, I haven't seen George for days. I've been tempted to knock on the door but I worried what I may find. He hasn't driven to the Waffle House for his usual breakfast and his home has been so dark at night. Imagine my elation when I just saw him drive to the Circle K down the street for some more beer!

Woo Hoo! I Got an Accolade!

"I was getting my hair done today," mom said over the phone this afternoon. "Rhonda (mom's hairstylist) said your outside lights are beautiful."

Rhonda lives just down the street from me. I blushed a little bit when mom said that. Rhonda's not one to give credit when credit is not due. She is a very stoic and stern lady.

"Tell her I said a very appreciative thank you when you go back Wednesday," I replied to my mother.

"She also said she could see your Christmas tree out from the road."

I had secretly hoped in a vain moment that you could see that tree from the road.

I'm Very Cheap But I Drive a Very Fast Car...

I parked at Fred's this afternoon when a brand new Porsche pulled up beside me and parked as well. I love the deep, throaty exhaust note of those cars. I followed the very frumpy looking fellow into the store.

"Sir?" I quickly informed the man before he opened the door. "Your headlights are still on."

"They will automatically turn off in a few moments," the man replied almost haughtily.

"Do you sell earrings?" the fellow loudly asked the cashier on duty when he stepped inside.

"No," the Farah Faucet look alike said. "But there is a nice jewelry store downtown."

Retail Therapy...

Mom was calling me early today wondering if she should get back to visiting her soft tissue therapist (sports medicine).  It has been about 3 years since she last went to see Connie. Just another road traveled on my mother's hypochondria fueled highway. My father will roll his eyes when she talks about it.

"What if they don't call me back?" my mother fretted something fierce as she asked me over the phone.

She had just called them and left a message. They seem to be closed on Thursdays.

"Will you drive me to Auburn?" mom then asked me.

"They will be glad to get the business," I replied to my mother putting out a worrisome wildfire of hers that soon would escalate and spread. "And yes, I will be glad to drive you to Auburn. We will eat lunch at Chick-fil-A or Jim Bob's."

I put the phone back in its cradle and then it rung again.

"I just put your Cokes and some cigars out on the porch," mom then said. "I had to make up a batch, but they are out there."

"Thank you so much," I very appreciatively told my mother.

Fred's and Piggly Wiggly were next on my journey to get my sodas this morning. Our Piggly Wiggly is spotless compared to Kroger I noticed today. It is as neat as a pen. I got a large family sized box of frosted flakes, 2 jars of pickled sausages, and a 6 pack of Vienna sausages at the Piggly Wiggly. I then got some more ornaments for my Christmas tree at Fred's.

Fred's had yet another new cashier this morning. She must've been flexible. She was a slim motherly looking lady with bleached blonde hair.

In the Christmas Spirit...

Maggie is supervising (sleeping on the couch) and I am slowly getting my Christmas tree up and decorated this morning. I am so very excited about Christmas this year.  The glass ornaments I bought at Fred's today are going up next. We will finish the tree off with some tinsel ala Fred's as well.

"I dread getting all the ornaments on our tree," my mother dourly said this morning with a very loud sigh. "I dread even more having to take them off and put them back in storage in the basement for another year."

"Mom! That is a terrible way to think about Christmas!" I replied trying to choke back a laugh. "It is supposed to be a labor of love."

Grinch anyone?

This was a collaboration of my father' s and mine. I would help him get up his gaudy 100 pound artificial tree from the basement and then we would drive and get my Christmas tree. I only needed a small tree for my den. The attendant at Ponder's didn't think we could get my tree in the back of my car, but we did as we do every year.

Now, at Fred's...

We have a new cashier at Fred's Super Dollar. I noticed earlier in the week they had a sign on the door saying they were hiring and that the individual must be flexible.  She's cute as well. I'd say she is about my age with long brown hair highlighted with blonde. I call it the Farrah Faucett look.

I was there to get a certain deodorant that I've only found at Fred's in town. I also bought more clothes hangers for the laundry room. Yes, this purchase was made under the ever watchful eye of the Grand Poo Bah. I tell you. He is like Sauron atop his spire in Mordor.

Just Window Shopping...

I walked into Fred's around lunch planning to window shop some and there was already a line of customers that ended somewhere down a row in the back of the the store.

"They are going to think you are shop lifting every time yo go in that store and don't buy something," my grouchy, ill tempered father had told me just last night. "Remember? I ran a pharmacy and retail business for 47 years. When they see you sporting that homeless look, they are going to think you are a meth head."

"Shana? We need a new register open!" the new manager loudly said abruptly asked over the intercom.

I was so sad to see that Kathy had left us. She had a lot of good-natured heart in her.

A very frumpy little white woman emerged from the manager's seat getting a new line open. She was a little squat woman -- much like the pygmies and aboriginals of Sumatra and Borneo.

When I was finished finding what I fancied and partly came for, I walked up to the register and the line had thankfully halved from when I walked in. It was a short walk to my car awhile eating some ice-cream.

There is a Lot Going On In Papa's Kitchen...

"Can I take my medications early today?" I timidly asked my father  as I rolled the dice of fate over the phone this afternoon.

It was a long shot, but I had to ask anyway. My father had the ingredients for a decent afternoon or a miserable existence. I did this after the cursory phone call filled with pleasantries and greetings.

Maggie and I had just crawled out of the bed about 4pm. The withdrawal was pretty acute today for some unknown reason. I wanted to cover my head and sleep the day away, but my circadian rhythms decided it was time to wake up for another day.

"Give me fifteen minutes so I have time to get home," my father said leaving Kroger. "And we will get you fixed up."

Dad said he was cooking his pork chops and Campbell's chicken and rice soup concoction. It is always delicious and he said himself or Charlie would bring me by a plate tonight.

I was astonished that was so easy. There were no gnashing of teeth and hard questions to answer. It was a simple phone call and a drive over to get my medications. Everybody was glad to see me.

As I drove to my parents, I noticed Fred's Super Dollar was crazy busy -- tons of cars in the parking lot. I was going to stop for some Johnny Otis sanctioned cashew bits and peices but decided to forego Fred's after seeing that.

It's Hell On Earth Today...

https://whisper.sh

"Let's get out of the house," I told myself this afternoon with a touch of cabin fever. "You've been a homebody all week."

On the bed in the computer room, Maggie was warily watching my every move. "Just what in the hell is he doing?" Maggie got lucky today as she had an appointment at the small animal clinic for a follow up visit. I just couldn't do all that today. Dad didn't balk when I told him I couldn't go. He was supposed to go with me along with a psychiatrist's visit.

"I will call one of the vet. techs," my father told me saving me from having to use the phone.

I slept until almost 2pm today. One symptom of my mental illness cycling is that my circadian clock goes haywire.

I walked out of the house and walked to the car. It was so hot it was stifling. I was going to go to Fred's Super Dollar and window shop for a while.  I walked back inside and decided that window shopping was for another day.  When I walked back inside, I looked at the temperature on my wireless weather station and it read 98° degrees.

Hot As Hades...

https://www.hy-vee.com

I stepped out of the house 45 minutes ago and I heard a familiar, "Hey Bud!" It was George on his carport sitting outside in this oppressively stifling heat.

"Aren't you hot?" I asked George after the initial pleasantries.

I was standing by my car fixing to roll out. It was 95 degrees outside today.

"I love this kind of weather!" he quipped with a Cheshire grin.

"Where are you going?" George then nosily asked.

"I am driving over to my parent's house and get my daily sodas," I told George.

This intrigues him.

"When you come back then maybe we can have a cold beer," George replied.

I saw him pull open his cooler and he pulled out another Miller High Life cracking it open with that distinctive sound only a beer can makes.

I was also heading to Fred's Super Dollar to gather up some snacks to eat in this house. My mother was funding this venture. We are about out of anything edible in Andrew's Casa. I was craving salted cashews and expensive Cheez-Its.

"I don't drink beer," I told George for the 5th time, "But I will have a cold Coca-Cola in just a few moments."

Assistant Sleuth Andrew...

http://crack-rock-steady-japan.blogspot.com

I was at Fred's at lunchtime. I was bored and decided a little retail therapy was in order. I mainly only wanted a can of salted cashews and some Vienna sausages.  I also decided on impulse to buy a $1.75 24 pack of diphenhydramine HCL to numb this empty feeling I was experiencing. It was just one of those days. I was feeling rough and needed my weekly fix. It is the same sleep-inducing ingredient in all those Tylenol PM, Advil PM, and Aleve PM type medications. It doesn't make me sleepy, though. I just feel calm and relaxed.

I walked into the pharmaceuticals aisle and there was this really nervous white fellow with sandy blonde hair looking all about and he was also distressed by my presence. He was getting a five finger discount. I saw him pick up a 100ct bottle of allergy medication and act like he was reading the label.

"That guy coming out of the pharmaceutical aisle is stealing," I told Kathy who was manning the cash register today.

"Are you sure?" she asked me alarmed as she rung me up.

"Yeah, I am pretty sure," I replied. "If he leaves without buying anything, then you know he shoplifted. He is also wearing a hoodie on an 86° degree day. That's another good sign."

I didn't stick around for the outcome as the guy was taking his time. I am pretty sure he was stealing, though.

Police Drama...

I drove over to my parent's house to get my sodas at lunch. I sat and had a banana sandwich with my father that was so delicious. Mom is really sick with a sore throat and a bad cold and thus was in the bed. I certainly didn't want to catch that junk so I didn't linger too long.

As I was leaving, a policeman got behind me in his patrol car. He was patrolling my parent's neighborhood. He followed me all the way to the old Valley National Bank. My right turn signal works 9 out of 10 times.

Well, I had to turn right at the bank with this cop behind me and my turn signal decided to malfunction that 1 out of 10th time.

"Shit," I nervously muttered begrudgingly.

I winced as I took the turn just sure I was going to be pulled over and given a citation. Surprisingly, the policeman ignored me and drove up and parked at Fred's Super Dollar. I was so relieved.

I then called my father to tell him about it when I arrived home.

"Son, you have the world's worst luck," he said. "If you step in shit then someone is going to smell it."

It is so true! I do have the world's worst luck. I guess my luck was good in that he didn't pull me over. I do know they are having a terrible time at Fred's with theft and five finger discounts. I guess the cop was stopping there to check out things and make his presence known. There were bigger fish to fry so to speak.

Spiraling Down Out of the Sky Shot Down in Flames...

Mom called me this morning and said Fred's Super Dollar was having a sale on boxes of Cheez-Its. Mom and I both love Cheez-Its like her mother before her. I hurried over to Fred's to get a few boxes of that cheesy treat before they sold out.  It turned out to be an interesting trip. My favorite female clerk was on duty and she was dressed to the nines. She really is a snazzy dresser. She also has a super sunny disposition.

I stepped up to the counter with two large boxes of Cheez-Its and very boldly asked, "You're just plain gorgeous. Would you like to go out to dinner some night?"

She wasn't wearing a wedding ring that I could see.

"Honey, I am married," She said blushing, "But I am extremely flattered."

I went spiraling down out of the sky shot down in flames big time. Dad will just love to hear about this tonight. I felt so very embarrassed.  With my social phobias, it is amazing I even asked. You'll never know unless you try, though, I have learned about life. I guess all the good girls are taken by the time you get my age. I also think most women can sniff out the crazies like me. lol

On the Bright Side of Life...

Remember that $49 dollar pair of refurbished speakers that I got for my birthday? They normally go for $100 and I thought I was getting an awesome bargain until I got them hooked up and one speaker had terrible feedback.  I took the speaker apart and the polarity of the wires was wrong. I quickly changed the positive and negative wires and now they sound beautiful. I was so excited. I said, "YES!" really loudly and Maggie came walking in here trepidatiously to see what was wrong.

The Flirt...

I don't take much diphenhydramine these days, but today is one of those days that I needed it. It's great for slowing my mind and making me sleepy and restful. Fred's Super Dollar has a 24 pack of Fred's brand pills for $1.75 -- one of the best prices on that medication in the Valley.

We had a new cashier today. She was wearing a beautifully hued turquoise top with black pants and sandy colored sandals. She was also rather plump which I find attractive in a woman.

"That top looks so colorful and beautiful," I told her as she rang up my item.

I quickly diverted my eyes from her buxom chest.

"Why thank you!" she said as she blushed. "I've had two people already tell me that today."

It accentuated her ebony colored hair.

"Is he giving you trouble?" Kathy asked with a smile as she walked over to our register.

I laughed and the clerk smiled. Kathy was joking as I am one of her regulars.

I then ran by my parent's house just up the street to get my sodas and some cigars when I left Fred's. My father had called me earlier and told me they were out on the porch. He didn't want me to wake up my mother to get them.

Epicurean Curiosity...

I wonder what delicious food they are now eating at the dinner party? Charlie said he was going to fix me a big plate of food and bring it to me after the party is over. I hope it is just piled high with delicious offerings. I expect him around 10 pm tonight as he will be in charge of cleanup operations as he always is.

Have any of you ever heard of a ribeye roast? I am intrigued that it may be a roast made out of true ribeye steaks. Janice, Charlie's wife, is also bringing her macaroni and cheese casserole. Swoons! I do know one person is bringing homemade yeast rolls as well. Double swoon!

image credit: http://wonderingfair.com/2010/12/03/dinner-party-grace/

10 Minutes to Closing...

I was just at Fred's Super Dollar Store. I had to have another container of those delectable roasted and salted pecans. I walked into a pretty much empty store. One wild looking fellow was purchasing a quart of motor oil.

"Andrew?" Elsie asked to get my attention. "We are closing in ten minutes."

"I will be long gone before then," I told her with a smile.

Nothing's better than locking those doors and getting off after a hard day's work.

Now, if you want a late night dollar store experience, you have to ride across the river to Dollar General. They stay open until 10 pm.

image credit: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Planters-Roasted-Pecans-7.25-oz/20435163