Look Out! It’s Mom on the Road!

“My new car is making a strange noise when I take the key out of the ignition to get out,” mom said on the phone last night worried, afraid to tell my father. “It’s a buzzing sound. It has been doing it all afternoon. I was almost afraid to drive it all day today.”

I was due for work in an hour, but decided to drive over anyway – worried something was bad wrong with mom’s new Civic. Mom had the garage door up and ready for me when I arrived. I immediately knew what the problem was when I pulled up behind mom’s parked car. Her parking lights were on and the buzzing sound was the car telling her she left her lights on when she took her key out.

“Don’t tell your father!” mom pleaded with me. “I feel so stupid! I can’t believe I had left the lights on. I don’t remember turning them on. They must have been on all day!”

Earlier in the day, mom and I took a long drive down through the Valley again as has become our daily custom after my therapy appointment. She came within inches of slamming into a big Dodge Ram truck. It would have been an airbag moment. 

“Holy Shit!” I exclaimed as mom swerved to miss it. “That was so close!”

My heart was just racing a hundred miles an hour after the incident.  Mom’s hands were shaking violently as she gripped the steering wheel. It seems mom is not going to be able to drive much longer – at least not extended visits through the traffic in town. She will be 66 this March. I am going to drive her to Connie’s down in Auburn next week fearing her driving that long drive down the interstate would prove disastrous. Hopefully, she will still be able to drive to her three hair appointments each week with them being just a half mile from home.  But dad and I are going to have to make a more concerted effort at getting her around. This means lots of doctor’s appointments and waiting in lobbies. I could always just drop her off and she could call me on her cellphone when she is ready to come home I guess. I am also going to do all the driving on our daily trips through the Valley from now on.

Getting Into My Mind…

“Today is the first day I have felt anxiety in over a week,” I told my Therapist somewhat proudly yesterday morning during our therapy session.

“What’s the big change today?” she asked as she studiously looked over my anxiety workbook carefully and all my short notations for this week and last.

“The stress of getting all the way down here,” I replied, feeling that was the most likely culprit. “It is a long drive and the traffic was just absolutely crazy coming down the interstate and within Auburn. I wish you were closer. I don’t much care for driving these days.”

“That’s understandable and normal,” she said as she closed my workbook and folded her hands in her lap.

“So, what else is going on with you?” she asked, trying to lead the conversation after a lull.

“Insomnia,” I replied, exasperated. “I am having the most awful and terrible time sleeping. I sleep in spurts for about three hours at a time, then I am up wide awake again. I repeat this throughout the day. I constantly feel tired not getting eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.”

I told her I am still taking my Ambien which makes me feel groggy somewhat, but I fear I have grown chemically resistant to the Klonopin – those pills doing nothing for me as far as rest goes. They used to make me feel so relaxed and comfortable.  I would enjoy lying in the bed as I felt them take effect. Now, I feel nothing when I take my three for the day as I go to bed. We both agreed to talk to my doctor at the end of September at my next appointment. It is common to grow resistant to benzodiazepines she told me.

“How is your new position going?” she then asked very inquisitively and eagerly after I told her about my new job.

“I love it!” I replied very honestly with much enthusiasm. “I love working nights. My job is very stress free. The night’s are so quiet. I have a passion for electronics and enjoy sharing it with my customers – the few I have.”

“Well, that certainly helps to love your job,” my therapist replied with a smile of encouragement. “You have come so far since our first visits. You’re one of my success stories.”

That made me feel so good with her saying that.

I left therapy for my usual custom of breakfast at Hardee’s as I browsed the web wirelessly with my iPad as I sat and ate – those two steak biscuits being a delicious treat. 

iPad Ruminations…

Don’t worry Apple fans, I am still enjoying my iPad as an internet browsing machine and a media server. I also use it a lot to keep up with the weather for which I am obsessed with, but it is no substitute for my laptop as far as computing at work goes. My favorite use for my iPad is to lay in bed and browse – it being so small, light and convenient. I can’t blog with it, though, I have found which is one of my primary computer uses these days. I realize it is just a very expensive toy. This is an observation and not a criticism mind you. It will never replace my desktop or my laptop for most of my daily computer uses since I am a power user as far as computers go.

Free HDTV!

I clocked in tonight and immediately made a purchase of my own. I purchased a digital optical toslink cable for my HDTV after learning last night I could still get my basic HDTV channels without my cable box. I was overjoyed last night when I reprogrammed my HDTV and it picked up many digital channels that the cable company must allow for free by law since they are available over the air with an antenna. I can’t wait to get home to see if I have Dolby digital surround sound with the channels and the digital optical hookup.

Work has been slow other than that. I’ve had a few people browsing cellphones tonight and asking lots of questions about service plans. These plans are commitments and can get expensive. That’s why the phones are so cheap to purchase. The cell companies make all their money on the service plans which subsidizes the cost of all but the most popular and expensive phones.

One man asked me a question that stumped me about his Charter digital cable service. I have Knology at home and have no idea about Charter. I told him to call his cable company when he got home. He wanted to know if his digital cable had Dolby digital surround sound. I told him I doubted it from my own experiences with Knology’s digital cable. Only the HDTV channels had true surround sound. The digital channels would be in stereo, but it would only be Dolby Pro Logic surround – a big difference from Dolby digital which is true 5.1 surround.

Dating and Women…

Jim showed up on his lunch break at three as usual.

“You always make me so hungry with those deli sandwiches,” I told him with a smile as I rung him up. “They look delicious!”

“What’s going on with you tonight?” Jim asked.

“The usual,” I replied. “Stocking items and cleaning and straightening shelves.”

“That’s my job,” Jim told me. “That’s what I do for eight hours every night in the grocery department. I loathe it!”

We didn’t discuss politics or religion tonight much to my relief. We talked about women for a change, and it was a nice change.

“I’ve never been married,” he told me. “But I’ve dated a lot of women.”

I can’t imagine a woman being interested in Jim. To be frank, he is quite frumpy and disheveled looking every night. I guess there is a woman for every man it seems. I smiled at the thought of some of the women Jim might have dated over the years.

My dating life has been put on hold for the time being with me working nights. Stacey is entirely not happy with it either. We do try to get together every night for supper which I prepare, but we don’t get to go out to eat which she so adores. She misses us sleeping nights together as well and our nightly ritual of lying in the bed as we browse the web. I don’t know much what to do about it, but hope for the best. Maybe a position in days will open up in the next few months, but I am not getting my hopes up. I doubt Derrick will be quitting soon. He has worked in electronics for years.

An Email from a Reader…

Hi Jonathon,
I've been a long-time reader but don't comment much.

I wonder if you can give me some advice?  It is computer/web-site related.

Recently my grandson stayed with me for about a month. While here, he found this website:

http://www.letbobwatchthis.org/index.php?sort=featured&page=8

and he watched about 4 scary/zombie type movies on it and a couple new movies that are still in the theaters at this time.  He said he did not download anything, did not join anything....no names exchanged, no passwords required.....but he enjoyed the movies in their entirety, although some of them weren't the best quality. I have excellent virus protection as well as a firewall and it did permit him to go there.  I've scanned my system several times since and I did not pick up any viruses or spyware from the site.

My question is......Can this be legal?  My dad always told me "there is no free lunch" and I am suspicious. Remember all the trouble those people got into from songs on Napster?  My grandson says its "streaming" and since you're not downloading anything and only watching without keeping it, its not illegal.  Is this true?  Do you know?  I'm afraid to go back there.

Thanks for any help you can give me. I love reading your blog.....you are such an inspiration to so many. Do you have any idea how many people look up to you?  God Bless you and yours.

Reader, your dad was right. There is no free lunch and this website is doing this illegally. If it is too good to be true, then it probably is.  Since it is streaming, you are less likely to get sued than the offending website. You just can’t own a copy of the movies in question. 

This brings me to something I have been saying for years – that these media companies have got to start making these movies and music easily available online for purchase to skirt piracy. I quit downloading music illegally when iTunes arrived on the scene. It was convenient and economical. Anytime I wanted an album or song, I could easily go to iTunes and download it. It was easier than searching on Pirate Bay and going through bittorrent to download it for free. That whole piracy process was a hassle and it stopped when I had an easily viable way to get music on the Internet at .99 cents per song.

Internet Explorer 9 Beta Started Yesterday…

The beta for IE9 started yesterday. You can download it at Microsoft’s homepage. So far, I like it. It is a much quicker and more responsive browser than IE8 or IE7. Hopefully, Microsoft will be as adept at updating as Mozilla is about Firefox. I tried to like Firefox, but found the download manager entirely not to my liking. 

Today is the Big Day…

Tonight, I start a new journey – a nightshift job with much, much better pay and actual benefits for a change.  I will be all alone all night in my department, though, and that makes me nervous.  I will be master of my domain it seems.  What if there is a question I can’t answer about electronics?  What if I get a cantankerous customer thus sending my anxieties reeling? What if the register goes haywire?  lol  I will just hope for the best and do my best.  I think my worst anxiety attacks are in my past these days, even though I want to knock on wood with saying that.  I seem to never know what lurks around the corner for me anxiety-wise. 

My greatest hopes last night were to stay up all night and sleep during the day today.  That didn’t work so well.  9:30pm rolled around, two hours after my normal bedtime, and I was so sleepy I could barely stay awake and I hadn’t taken an Ambien. I was absolutely miserable.  I went on to bed after eating some lasagna and slept until my normal wakeup time of 3:30am.  A few people had suggested I sleep from 10am to 6pm like a normal night, except in the day, and I will give that a try today taking my Ambien around 9am and a my three 1mg Klonopin for the day as well – hoping that will put me to sleep for many hours.

Well, what do you all think?  Can I do this? Can I make it all alone every night? I’ve changed so much these past few months so I think this change is only a natural progression.  I live by the mantra of taking chances and risks these days.  I wouldn’t have gotten this far so soon without doing that.  I keep living every day like it’s my very last day, and it is proving beneficial and fortuitous.  That’s one of the main reasons I went so public with the blog and all my writings – feeling that if I died tomorrow then all the social conventions and misgivings I was trying to conform to wouldn’t have mattered in the long run of life.  I am really not doing anything wrong other than writing about my life freely, and I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but they can choose not to read.  A few people have emailed me worried about what my family will think if they Google my name and read what I am writing about them.  To hell with my family.  Most of them don’t like me or have ever taken much time to get to really know the real me anyway.  Most of you know me better than my own father does.  They can Google me and do their worst.  All they can do is put peer pressure on me to conform and we all know that these days, I am not up to conforming much as far as my family is concerned.  I have about broken all the “rules” that can be broken.

I would be fool to not be careful what I write about work, though.  I don’t want to lose my job and thus my independence.  That’s why you usually see me write about only the positive aspects of my employment.   We had a few idiot customers come into electronics the past few days and I wanted to write about them so badly! lol  They were true blog fodder and journal writing gems. 

Lawns to Mow…

Today also starts another cycle of my regular customer’s lawns to mow for the week.  I now have ten regular customers including Charlie’s yard next door. My lawn care business is now bringing in $500 dollars per month at $25 dollars per lawn.  I always try to call before coming over to make sure they are home and I get paid. I keep a calendar with my contacts on my Crackberry.   I will try to get a few lawns mowed after I wake up at six this evening after breakfast.  It is going to be hard to juggle nightshift and my lawn care business, though.  At least, I will have my days free and weekends as well.  Just working in sleep will be the problem. I hope to settle into a normal sleeping schedule easily.  I don’t think people would take too kindly to me calling at 8am about mowing their lawns so I am thinking afternoons will be the best bet now.  

Getting George a Job…

Sharyna suggested last night in an email that I get George my old job gathering carts.  I thought that was an excellent idea and don’t know why I haven’t thought of that myself.   My supervisor thinks I walk on water and could do no wrong, and will vouch for anyone I recommend.  George also worked at Wal-Mart’s distribution center in LaGrange for several years so I hope that helps.  I take some solace in that George’s crimes were a crime of stupidity – a momentary lapse in judgment.  He didn’t commit Grand Larson or first degree Murder.  George has always been a hard worker with a strong work ethic and consistently shows up for work even during his drinking days. Mrs. Florene will be so excited about this suggestion and I hope my supervisor is amenable to it as well.   I will talk to my old supervisor Monday and try to set this up hoping George will get parole.  It wouldn’t hurt for the parole board to know George has a 40 hour per week job lined up for when he gets out.

After doing some reading on the web with other’s experiences with DUIs in Alabama and prison sentences, it is looking more and more likely that George will have to wear an ankle alcohol monitoring device for many months.  I know George, and the first thing he will want when he gets home is a drink and a cigar. He has written me several times about his first day of “being out” and of all his dreams.  I just hope he can settle into a more normal routine – back to things the way they were with his mother and working fulltime again.  I have the highest aspirations and hopes for my best friend.  He is going to need to work as each time he sees his parole officer he will have to pay a hefty fee.  I know this from my own experiences with getting a DUI.  Is George an alcoholic? Who knows?  He could always more easily handle his drinking than I could.  I am just going to give him the best support a best friend can give and leave it at that.

The very big question is will George drive thus violating his parole?  George hasn’t had a driver’s license for many years and drove anyway.   I had thought this, but wasn’t sure until I asked Mrs. Florene about it on the phone the other night.  We will find out when and if he gets home.  I am willing to try and carry him around some.  Mrs. Florene is at the age that she is about at the end of her driving days – not being able to see to drive at night.  I am hoping George’s cousin Monte will fill in the gaps, although George will have to pay him to drive him around. 

More FaceBook and Me…

I had an enjoyable experience on FaceBook last night.  The medium is slowly growing on me – more conducive to “conversations” – the commenting system being so much easier to use.  You get almost instant feedback and gratification for your postings with comments and “likes” coming freely.  We discussed sports as related to funding education and other assorted topics.   I’ve also set it up to where my blog postings are automatically posted to FaceBook and I hope this will bring new readers to the blog.  I have Twitter set up with FaceBook as well, but it has tempered my twittering somewhat – making me more thoughtful and careful of what I will write not to overwhelm my “wall” with blurbs.  If you are interested in befriending me then just sign up for an account which takes just a few minutes and click on my FaceBook badge on the blog which will direct you to my profile.   

I Abhor Censorship…

I usually don’t do email. I find it laborious and anxiety inducing, but I got my email set up and running this morning with Windows Live Mail – a free program for download and a good substitute for Outlook and Thunderbird.  One nice thing now about getting my blog comments via email is I can now pick and choose which comments I want to read.  If I see say JustLacey or Pipe Tobacco, then I will click on and read the comment.  They usually have something constructive or positive to say even if they don’t necessarily agree with my methods or my actions.  If I see an anonymous comment, then I won’t click on that tripe to read.  Staying far away.  If someone really wants to start a report with me then they can just sign up for a Google account.  There is a big difference between constructive criticism and just downright meanness and malice as these comments usually are.  Any threatening seeming comments will be passed over.  I have enough negativity in my life with my mental illness to be reading all that junk on my blog anyway.  I don’t even know why I leave anonymous comments up, but I abhor censorship for some reason.  My biggest gripe and misgiving about “The Homeless Guy’s” blog, my favorite blog, was his rabid censorship of his readers. He was maniacal about it and would delete comments in a heartbeat if you didn’t agree with him, and it pissed a bunch of his regular supportive readers off.  I think it went a long way to killing his blog as blogs are little communities for good or for bad. I would feel like a hypocrite if I took them down.  You have a voice on this blog, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will read it all. You can just bitch to the other commenters if they want to read all that junk. I guess I am giving you free reign and license to talk about me behind my back.  Eww, that sounded like a paranoid schizophrenic moment didn’t it? lol

I spent the last of my money I had yesterday evening.  It is back to poorsville for the time being. I drove to Wal-Mart late last night and bought a cheap memory card for my Wii and a big cheap case of bottled water for work.  I was hoping the extra memory would make browsing faster as I browse and read blogs mostly through that gaming console on my big screen HDTV.  It is easier for me to read as I have terrible eyesight and I can easily control the font size with the Wii’s remote. I keep getting out of memory errors with my Wii when I load certain graphic heavy WebPages and blogs. The memory seemed to have done the trick.

I paid close attention to where the carts are kept in the parking lot in preparation for tomorrow while I was there last night.  There were more carts in the parking lot than there were in the store so I and my coach should be busy this morning.

It has been so very nice having money for a change. I haven’t really had money in many years except for the odd bit George would give me.  It will probably be a week or two before I get more.  I don’t know when my first paycheck will be.  I will have to ask this morning.  I could get out this afternoon and hustle and cut grass with my mower.  I have a full tank of gas in the mower and an extra can of gas as well.  That might sound like a plan. I’ve noticed quite a few neighbors lately with high grass on my street. I would love a barbeque plate at Rodger’s tonight as a treat for successfully working so that might be the impetus to get me off my ass and hustling this afternoon.

It is 4:30am and I am all ready for work so early.  I am chomping at the bit to go and overly excited.  I have taken my shower, put on lots of deodorant, washed my hair, and ironed my clothes. I have my khaki pants and long sleeve Auburn shirt all laid out on the bed ready to be put on.  I put some sunscreen in my backpack and also added my orange Auburn hat that matches my shirt.  I will be wearing a Wal-Mart smock, though, on top of my shirt that is highly reflective for visibility.  It is ready to go as well, but it smells musty and well used.  I should’ve washed it last night, but forgot and just didn’t get around to it.  I was in the bed at midnight so I think I got some pretty good sleep even if it was only four and a half hours.  Good for me anyway as I have weird sleeping habits these days. It is going to take a few weeks to get back on a normal sleeping schedule after eight years of just sleeping when I felt like it. 

I feel very good this morning and upbeat mentally.  Serene and calm.  No anxiety whatsoever thank God.  It has been a long time since I so looked forward to something – so very long.  It has also been such a long time since the stars have seemed to align to allow me to do this.  I feel like I have a purpose for living now and that is a big change after eight years of wandering through life.   I ate two of Charlie’s hamburgers for breakfast and they were delicious as well. I shouldn’t have eaten two as I now feel overly full and that may trigger my bulimia, but I felt I needed the extra energy for work today.  I am having to temper my excitement so as to not get an anxiety attack this morning, though.  I have to be so careful about things like that. The littlest thing can trigger me.  It will be too easy to get so excited and to get that rush of anxiety I experience. I will take my two Klonopin at seven and hope for the best.  Wish me luck!!!  Let’s pray I don’t have any “interesting” mental moments at work!!

My Thoughts at the End of the Day…

People Come and Go, and Strange Emails…

A lot of people have come and gone over the course of this blog.  I wonder what makes people stay around for a long time, and what makes people leave after reading for so long?  I guess my blog can get like a broken record, but aren’t all our lives mostly routine and mundane?  One lady named Kathy emailed me a few months ago and said she was quitting reading because of my religious views.   Religion and politics are two things I specifically avoid writing about on the blog due their their sensitive and polarizing nature and my eclectic views on both.   I didn’t even write back thinking it was probably for the best that she went her own way.  I didn’t even know her anyway.   I’d never even seen her comment.

When I had my Facebook badge on the blog, a lot of people befriended me that read, but never commented.  I had people emailing me privately in Facebook that I had no idea of who they were or what they were up to.  I piqued my paranoia badly.  I didn’t email back and probably pissed a lot of these people off – them thinking I was rude.   These people knew intimate details of my life and were talking to me like a long lost friend and I had no idea who they were or what their motives were.  I have one specifically doggedly determined Frenchman in regards to this on Facebook.  I no longer use Facebook.

And then there was the anonymous email I got the other night that sent chills down my paranoid schizophrenic spine.  It was a definite case of “big brother is watching”.  “We’re watching you!” is all it said in the subject line with nothing in the body with the strangest email address.  I will never forget the sinking feeling I felt for an hour after reading that!  You really gamble with your mental wellbeing when you talk so openly about your life and illness in a public forum such as the Internet.  There are all manner of strange things that can occur if you don’t have a thick skin and a good anti-psychotic to take! 

I Need a Favor From My Readers…

I am having tons of paranoia these past few days.  I just got around to checking my email today after a week or two of letting it languish.  Liz, you will be the first to get an email back.  Thank you for all your mail. I *heart* you!  Laura S., you are also in the queue to get an email from me.  It is flattering that you wrote a whole chapter about me in your thesis.  I will endeavor to read your thesis tonight and respond in kind.

What I need is someone to check the recent comments on the blog and email me back if they are safe to read or not.  I don’t need any triggering mechanisms emotionally at the moment.   I am very sensitive and paranoid right now about comments and emails, and just can’t take a lot of criticism.  I am being the proverbial ostrich with his mythical head in the sand.   So, if one of you, my friends, will help me out with this, I will go back and read all your comments and then try to start responding again as well. 

Thoughts for the Day…

Binge, not Purge…

My obsessive compulsive addictive behavior is in full force these past few days.  If I can only just weather the storm I keep telling myself, this, too, shall pass and it most likely does.  I just have to let it run it’s course and hope for the best in damage control. 

Last night, I was sitting in front of this computer reading Wikipedia about the origin of dogs when I had a strong craving and compulsion  for candy.  Mom had bought me two bags of Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Wednesday on grocery day.  Well, I ate both big bags of candy at one sitting.  Usually, this would be followed by a purging session, but I made myself keep it down.  I had one hell of a sugar rush after about thirty minutes.  It was quite a victory for me to not have purged when every fiber of my being was screaming to get it out – you’re going to get fat again.

I should have seen all this coming with my obsessive compulsive over-the-top pacing of the floor.   It was a sure sign that my OCD was acting up.  Why can’t I get obsessive about health? Or jogging? Or just something healthy or good for me?  I guess too much of anything is a bad thing.  It is just characteristic of my all or nothing nature that has so plagued me since I was a very small child.  I can’t seem to grasp the concept of moderation in anything.  

Secrets Best Kept…

I haven’t told a soul except for my blog readers about my little drinking session the other morning.  Especially not George.  I worried it would trigger him to drinking.  I am a terrible liar, though, and can’t make eye contact when I lie and will cross my arms in a defensive posture.  It is a sure sign and giveaway, and I hope nobody asks me if I have drank lately as I will blurt it out in a confessional. 

Email…

It is probably going to take an hour to download all my email when I finally check it.  I’ve had the worst paranoia I have ever experienced regarding email lately.  I am literally scared to death of what I might read.  It’s irrational and I know it, but I can’t help it.  I have to do what makes me feel comfortable. 

For Matthew…

I tried to email you back, but my emails keep bouncing back saying I need to solve some kind of puzzle to prevent spam.  Sorry!  About George, he is only going to be in the hospital for three more days (It was all his insurance would pay for). So a postcard would get there after he is already gone.  You even have to have a numeric pass code to call George on the phone security and privacy is so tight!  Take care and thanks for reading the blog so long and for looking out for George.  I do appreciate it and I am sure George does as well!

Sincerely,

Andrew

A Simple Conversation -- A Wealth of Hope!

"What are you going to do today?" Rosa asked me as she stood at the doorway to my computer room.

"I don't know what it is, but it is going to be something positive," I replied as I typed out an email to a friend.

"I feel so good lately.  I feel hope and that is something I haven't felt in years.  I can actually envision my life turning around," I wrote in the email.

"You want to go to a meeting tonight?" Rosa then asked.

"We don't have a way to get there and the nearest meeting is in Lagrange," I replied. "That is a thirty minute drive away."

"Your car getting stolen stinks," Rosa said pouting.

"Rosa is worried it is the bi-polar aspect of my illness that is causing this positiveness I am experiencing," I continued to write my friend. "I see it as hope -- hope that my normally morose nature is lifting.  I will take this pole of bi-polar any day if that is what it is."

"Online meeting!" I brainstormed as I stopped writing and Rosa still stood in my doorway. "You are going to get on the laptop and join in."

"I can't type," Rosa replied.

"But you can read and we are going to a meeting, hell or high water," I quipped.

Rosa smiled and walked out of the room to go pour herself a cup of coffee.  I am not fond of online A.A. meetings, but they will do in a pinch.  Today continues my forward progress through life with a positive outlook.  Looking for answers to problems instead of always giving excuses as to why I can't do something.  This new attitude is proving to be so contagious.  I haven't seen Rosa this excited in months as well.

Those People...

I warily watch people walking past my home, and there are many. My street is the main thoroughfare between a poor neighborhood and the housing projects. It is terrible of me, but I look on suspiciously. "I wonder which one of you people stole my car," I think. You people. Someone obviously needed my car more than me. I hardly ever drove it which makes life somewhat easier without it. I hate drawing lines in the sand like that though. As if the poor minority people walking by my house were any different from me.

It makes me wonder what people think about me when they find my blog. I wonder if I am one of those people. I have no qualms of sharing some pretty personal and emotional stuff. I wrote about suicide for God's sake last week. I blather on about schizophrenia and we all know the stigma surrounding mental illness.

I got an email today from someone who lives nearby who happened upon the blog and they told me they were laughing at me and not with me. They also named my uncle's pharmacy thinking I was my cousin, Andrew. "How many of your father's customers are reading?" they asked. Close, but no cigar. I just wrote back telling them to do their worse, and that I had nothing to lose. Used to, I would have yanked down this blog in embarrassment and fear.

I realize today that I am one of those people. I am poor. I no longer have a car, nor can I afford to get another. I will be walking everywhere. My destination may not be the housing projects, but it will be pretty close. My friends are Ferret, a drunk who lives in a garage, and Big S, a lay-about with nothing better to do than hang out at a shopping center. I am one of those people and I am okay with that.

Why do you always want to be homeless?

That is a question I got asked in an email tonight.  I wanted to write, "I don't know."  But I do know why when I think about it.  I already suffer from a low sense of self esteem and lack of confidence.  Homelessness is the bottom rung of the ladder.  I would have no further to fall.  No more disappointment in myself and disappointment of me from my family.  I could take some twisted sense of comfort out of there not being able for this angel to fall any farther. 

Maybe I am misguided, but there seems to be much more interest and help for the homeless both positive and negative. than for just some homed, mentally ill guy in small town Alabama.  I could apply for programs not having an income.  My medications would be subsidized.  Religious people would then take an interest in my welfare and salvation.   They would also feed me and give me a cot for the night.  

Structure also plays a big role in it as well.  I am a big follower and not a leader.  Being a homeless person, the Rescue Mission would structure my day.  I would have to arrive in the afternoon to get a bed.  I would be fed, take a shower, and have a sermon to attend.  Then I would be given a mat to sleep on.  I would be awoken in the morning to eat breakfast and sent on my way.  At home, I rarely eat structured meals these days.  Some days I do not eat at all.  The mission would provide much needed structure and guidance in this avenue of daily life most people take for granted.  A aspect of life that I have a hard time grasping.  Also, my sleeping habits would be regimented and structured.  These days I just get up when I wake up with no rhyme nor reason. 

Lastly, I wouldn't be alone.   I would be in a major city filled with people on the streets.  I would blog at the library and coffee shops always around others.  I would be forced to intermingle with my homeless peers at the Mission every night.  My lonely nights would not be filled with the short visit by my father only to give me my medications and then leave.   My only bed companion a dog, which I love, but is no substitute for a human companion.  My normal isolation would turn into the other extreme of having my life laid bare for inspection.

I also suffer from the delusion that homelessness was the only thing I have ever "done right."  I was very active as a homeless person.  I was outgoing in the sense I needed to be for my survival.  Everything was raw and real.   If I didn't eat before bedding down in my tent, then I would grow cold during the long winter nights.  If I didn't gather wood in the evening, then I would not have a fire for my breakfast and to warm my hands in the morning.   If I didn't take a shower at the truck stop then I couldn't buy beer because I would have been ostracized for my lack of cleanliness.   Homelessness was very harsh, but it spurred me into living and into action.   It forced me to do the things that most homed people take for granted.   I feel like I have no reason to get up other than to write this blog or hang out down at the shopping center. 

Now, can you somewhat understand my thinking?  Why, when times get tough, I want to run to the hills, homeless?  I felt so alive and real then.  My survival was paramount and tangible.  Now, my family takes care of everything from my food to my appointments.  I am just left to live in this house idly passing my days.   I hope I don't offend anyone by writing this.  My hope was only to delve into the introspection of why I think this way sometimes.   

Nice Blogging and some Past Due Thanks

Abbagirl wrote a wonderfully written post of her beginning her day with the grocery chain she works for. Check it out here. I highly recommend it. I didn't know she could write like that.

My good friend Diana wrote me a wonderful letter from Canada the other day. It was a pleasure reading it. Thank you so much dear friend. I miss you so much and wish you luck in your new job this summer. She is going to be a sous chef for a restaurant in a beautiful resort region of Canada.

I also want to thank Cheryl for the magazines once again. You really made my day that day I got that package in the mail. There was a PC World magazine which I love to read. I liked the magazine you sent so much that I got online and got a subscription. Also, check out Cheryl's blog for the ongoing saga of the battle between her and her moles. I find those tales so endearing and smile inducing.

Mosaic Mind, I miss you and worry about you. I got your email and read it earnestly. I have a terrible time composing emails so I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and love you dearly as a friend. Mosaic Mind asked about how I pay for my medications living on disability. For the longest time, my father's pharmacy covered the costs of my medications. Now, Medicare Part D covers them completely (no donut hole like you Mosaic) and they run around $1500 dollars a month. Mosaic Mind also asked about what I and my father are going to do about my medications when I move. Dad is going to drive by every night around 10pm when he gets off of work to give them to me. He said it would be a long time before he trusted me in taking them on my own. He means well and I love him dearly anyway.

Well, let me go lie down. Having a tooth pulled is not very fun and very painful and I am still kind of shaky and recovering. It also cast me $190 dollars so that puts a big dent in my budget for the month after ordering that new LCD monitor yesterday. Thankfully, the advertisements on this blog will help pay for some of that. Take care all and I will write again tomorrow.

Email Roundup

Here are some paraphrased questions I have been asked via email lately. I am a dufus with email and it incites my social anxieties so I thought I would answer them here instead for all to read. I get so many emails that I am going to take down that link on my blog and have given up on trying to respond to them all.

You took down anonymous comments. I can no longer comment on your blog. Why?

I have found that nine times out of ten that anonymous comments are negative, cowardly and hurtful. My honesty about my mental illness and addictions invites derision. It takes five minutes to sign up for a blogger account if you want to comment or you can always email me. I might not answer back, but I do read them.

I was dismayed when you went commercial on your blog. The advertisements are distracting. I urge you to take them down.

I get this email a lot. My income is $837 dollars a month. I am allowed to make an extra $600 dollars a month working part time without penalty. Because of my schizophrenia, paranoia, and social anxieties, I cannot work a traditional job for long without life getting fucked up. I put up the advertisements in an effort to better support myself and to increase the quality of my life. I have made over $600 dollars so far with them. So you can see that it is well worth my time. I hope you will overlook the ads and enjoy the written content.

Do you make this stuff up? Your life seems so interesting and you say you have social anxiety, but you have a vibrant social life. My life consists of going to work, coming home, watching TV, and going to bed. The same is for my wife.

If I made this stuff up, I could write about wildly more interesting things than the conversation du jour of I and Rosa – conversations and interactions filled with intrigue, sexuality, and adventure. You are reading little vignettes of my life – the little interesting ten percent I wish to share and enjoy writing about. The other ninety percent of my life is usually me sleeping, smoking my pipe, browsing the internet and voraciously reading books in my lazy boy lounge chair. I am sure you don't want to read about all that. I also think my writing about my life with dialogue makes things seem far more interesting than they really are.

I found you via schizophrenia.com. I notice you do not write a lot about schizophrenia compared to the other blogs on there. Is there a reason why?

I have read some of those very same blogs like you and find they are tiring. Some of these blog authors seem to obsess about their illnesses and pontificate endlessly about their medications and doctor visits. It comes across as obsessive to me. I have schizophrenia, but I try not to let it define me. Yes, I do deal with it and it's symptoms on a daily basis, but I choose not to write about it often. I don't want the blog to become another whiney, let's bitch about our mental illness blog. If I wrote about my schizophrenia all the time, this would be a very dark and brooding journal. It is a personal choice of course. You may find those other blogs your cup of tea.

A Lambasting Reader

I received a lambasting email today about my smoking habit. They said I was using "government money" (my disability is funded mostly by MY TAX DOLLARS I paid into the system working for decades) to support my smoking habit. WRONG! My proceeds from the advertisements on this blog easily cover the $1 dollar a day, one pack a day habit I have. At first, I grew angry and defensive, but my rational side overcame my rashness when replying. They called me a burden on the health system.

"Statistically, you are more likely to die in a car accident if you drive a lot than I am to die of complications from smoking," I replied. "I rarely drive my car and can go weeks on one tank of gas. I like my odds better."

"My schizophrenia and the extremely expensive ($1500 dollars a month funded by Medicare part D) medications to subdue it also will cost much, much more than any smoking related costs over the course of my lifetime," I further added. "Should I off myself to save your valuable tax dollars? The only cure for schizophrenia is death."

It is well known in scholarly circles about the relationship of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses to smoking. There is something about nicotine that helps those of us that suffer with this disease to calm our symptoms. Don't believe me? Spend some quality time in the mental ward of a hospital as I have many times and you will find most that smoke. There are a lot of mentally ill people walking the halls with nicotine patches on their shoulders.

I will not do your homework for you, but if you are interested in the veracity of smoking as it relates to schizophrenia then just search Google. You will find countless scholarly studies that have been published in peer reviewed scientific journals about the link to smoking and mental illness.

Blogging with Word 2007

Did you know you can write and publish directly to your blog with Microsoft Word 2007? It was very simple to set up and this post proves it works. I discovered it this morning just playing around with Word. It saves a very time consuming step for me when copying and pasting and then editing my blog posts. I thought this was neat and wanted to share it. If you need any help setting this up then just email me or drop a comment.

I have received an overwhelming response to the blog in the form of emails this week with over 30 in my to-reply box. I can be terrible with email, but I promise those of you that wrote you will receive a personal response from me within the next few days or so. I was going to sit down to start responding a moment ago and got overwhelmed with what to say. It's my social phobias acting up and I am so afraid I will write something stupid. Look for an email from me soon and thank you for taking the time to write to me. It means a lot and I enjoy reading them almost as much as I enjoy getting comments. I even heard from a train engineer for Norfolk Southern railway that visits from schizophrenia.com where I am linked in their blogs of note section. I thought that was awesome.

An Email from a Pen-Pal

My pen-pal Robert wrote me an email yesterday and I thought I would share what he wrote. Many people with mental illness deal with these same issues Robert talked about and the recent occurrence at Virginia Tech. of April 16th only makes this harder. I post this with permission from Rob.

Hi Andrew,

This is Rob your pen-pal from California, who is also mentally ill.
I just wanted to say thank you for what you put on your blog today.

I find saddening that this incident will cast more shadows of fear for those who truly don't understand the mentally ill. I'm very fearful now that people will think I'm a bad guy because I keep to myself allot and have Major depression and BPD.

I keep to myself because I just don't have any friends that live close to me and as you know money is always a tightrope we have to balance on.

Your blog spoke exactly to me about what I have been feeling these last few days since that awful event.

I'm not as good of a writer yet, but thanks again for speaking of us and those that suffer with these illnesses.

Your are truly a good voice for those of us who have none. God bless and take care. I would have posted this on your blog, but it said I needed an account and was scared to sign up for something I would have to pay for- your Pal in california-Rob

Email Roundup Part Deux

You say you have social phobias and social anxiety, and yet your life is filled with people and interactions. Please help me understand, a person wrote today. You have a vibrant social life.

Have you ever noticed who I hang out with? All people with little social standing outside our own little clique. I am not very far up the social totem pole.

A person had written me an email not too long ago saying they know how I feel. They felt more comfortable hanging out with social misfits, street people, homeless people, and drunkards. I feel the same despite coming from a locally socially prestigious family. I feel like a duck out of water when I am thrown within the social confines of my father’s friends.

With George, Big S, Rosa, and the gang, I feel comfortable. They accept me for who I am limitations and all. I could be the biggest fall down drunk and George would still be my friend and be a part of my life. I could talk to myself constantly crazy while un-medicated and Rosa would still want to sleep with me and have something to do with me. I could be homeless and Dumpster Diving Dan would embrace me, faults and all, and teach me the tricks of the trade of surviving off the trash of the rest of society.

That’s why I feel so comfortable and at ease around such people. The gang is a very unassuming bunch. Throw me into a mix of my father’s friends and I am an awkward, bumbling, social idiot that stammers upon his words and who would rather be in hell than such a situation. I guess it can be hard to understand and even harder to explain.

Email Roundup…

I am so terrible with email. If you email me, it may take me a week to get back to you so don’t despair or think I am being an asshole as some have. I just don’t like it as a medium even though I enjoy writing so much. My social awkwardness carries over into that avenue of communication as well. I do enjoy reading them though. Here were a few emails about the blog today and my answers. I thought this would be fun.

*You are going to be the next spokesperson for pork with the amount of barbeque, bacon, and ham you eat, one person wrote me today.

I burst out laughing when I read that. They got an email back with me writing to them that I agreed. Cholesterol is the least of my health worries though. Believe me.

*Why do you put those damn aggravating adsense adverts on your blog? They don’t make money. I only made a few cents a day with mine and took them off. They are distracting, another person wrote.

I made fifty dollars last month off of those ads. That is five cartons of the cigars I like to smoke and I smoke a carton a week. It is paying off nicely. Please ignore them if they bother you and certainly don’t click upon them. They paid for my smoking habit so your tax dollars didn’t have to as I have often been chided for over the years of my writing and blogging ventures when I exposed my source of income. Disability is not welfare, by the way. It is a social insurance I paid years of taxes to get. :-)