Sleeping Beauty...

It is customary for me to call mom before driving over to get my sodas.  I can't call before ten or it will wake her up.  Well, I started calling at ten and couldn't get her on the home phone or her cell phone.  I was beginning to worry something bad had happened until I finally got her on the phone. 

"I was just laying down and didn't want to answer the phone," she said.

"Royalty..." I muttered.

"Why did you call me that?" mom asked.

"That's what dad calls you when you do these kinds of things.  You are too good to be bothered."

Mom was so sorry for making me worry something bad had happened. 

"I'm gone to get yours and our groceries now," she told me.

I hung up the phone and shook my head.  I really was worried about her and almost drove over.  I don't know where Helen was when all this was going on.   I guess I am just being a busy body myself today. 

March of the Maggie...

Maggie and I left for our walk late this afternoon.  Much dancing and prancing occurred while I tried to put on Maggie's harness.

Down the street in a fence is a dog I call "the mop."  It is the canine version of Cousin It.  Maggie loves to socialize with the mop.  Tails wagging, they come as close to as they can in the butt sniffing department.  And they say adversity fosters innovation.

After leaving the mop, Maggie and I head for the elementary school down the road.  It is about a mile and I turn around to return.  There are usually some kids on the playground and Maggie barks to let them know who is boss.

A moment ago, I was over at my father's house.  He and J.W. had been working in the yard all day.  The work was done and dad had his sprinkler system going.  We both remarked how much my siblings and me would have loved to play in that sprinkler. 

I then ate supper with mom and dad.  Dad had prepared some pimento cheese sandwiches and they were delicious with chips and some of dad's iced tea.  I drove home a happy man and even had a sandwich for Maggie. 

Oh Rebecca, How I Love You...

My usual nurse, Rebecca, has been out on maternity leave since before Christmas.  It is so very good to have her back.  Today was my injection and she makes it a pleasant experience.  We bantered back and forth about various things as she prepared my shot.

"I have missed you so much," I told her. "You just don't know."

You could see her beam with pride as she said, "I am glad to be back."

We tried my left butt cheek this morning.  Rebecca insists on changing every other time.  I didn't bleed or feel any pain.

"You have the magic touch with that shot," I said.

Rebecca is to ask my doctor today about the prescription of clonazepam he prescribed for me, but never gave me.  I hope he will call it in to the drug store.    I have four clonazapam to last me until next month. 

Bad Breath...

George's boss got onto him about smelling alcohol on his breath today at work.

"At least I wasn't drunk," George told me and laughed.

George laughed and laughed and thought it was the funniest thing.

"He doesn't know that," I replied of his boss, wishing George would take the occurrence a little more seriously.

I still have to have my cup of coffee and my Little Debbie donut sticks every morning thus my reason for being there.

I left Fat's and took a long drive down through the valley.  Something I never do because of my anxiety attacks.  It felt good to be "free."  Without a care in the world as the early morning air blew through my cap-less hair with the window rolled down.    

Feast or Famine...

Helen has asked me Friday what I wanted to eat.  "Cabbage," I told her. "What else?" she asked. "Surprise me," I said.  Helen cooked country fried steak, macaroni and cheese, and a pan of her delicious biscuits with the boiled cabbage.  I went from famine to feast in two days.  I have been making sandwiches out of the steak for the past few days. 

I took Maggie on her walk early this morning before the heat hit.  As usual, she had a wonderful time.  You should see how excited she gets to go on these little forays around the neighborhood.  

Maggie has developed on little quirk for which I am trying to get her to quit.  She will go out at 2 or 3 in the morning and bark in the back of the yard near the neighbors house.  I have been getting her inside and blocking the dog door.   She is not happy about that as I am sure the neighbors aren't happy about her barking all night near their house.  

Blessings, Dear Mother...

Mom brought a veritable cornucopia of food yesterday.  I was out of anything to eat for several days and was subsisting on coffee and donut sticks at Fat Albert's with the three dollars mom gives me everyday.  If I told mom I was out of food, then she would go into crisis mode and it would piss off my father.  So mum was the word.

Been camping out much of this week and spending less and less of my days on the Internet.  One of the main reasons I quit camping was that I associated it with drinking and my homeless days.  The urge is still there, but not so pronounced.

I think I've encountered a drastic change in brain chemistry these past few weeks.  Something miraculously occurred and I can watch TV again after not being able to watch in years.   I am fascinated by the Home Shopping Network and ShopNBC.  I want to be a jewelry designer and collector.  Maybe it is some of my father's gay genes coming out in me.  

J.W.

Mom acted ugly to me this morning.  It REALLY hurt my feelings and I was sulking when I drove over.  She would never talk that way to my brother or sister.  Because if she did, they wouldn't speak to her for weeks.  Me?  I just said I was sorry for calling so early.  I thought it was ten instead of nine. 

My father has new yard help.  His name is J.W. and we have become fast friends.  J.W. used to be a mechanic and lost his job when cars became too technical.  J.W. keeps asking me to take him fishing over at our pond in God's Country. 

"We'll go when it gets warmer," I told him.

"You sure there's bass in that pond?" he will ask.

"They practically jump on your line," I told him to vigorous grins. 

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise...

Imagine how surprised I was when my computer illiterate father turned on my computer and proceeded to pull up a YouTube video for me to watch last night.  My jaw dropped to the floor.

"Dad," I said. "You just pulled up a YouTube video."

"Next thing you know, I will be on Facebook," dad replied smiling.

My walks with Maggie are occurring later and later in the day.  I walked two miles today to find Helen at my house when I arrived home.  I was anxious to find out what she was cooking for lunch today.

"Spaghetti and meat sauce," Helen told me. "The sauce needs around two hours to simmer."

It has been absolute torture sitting here in my computer room with all the delicious and tantalizing smells wafting in from the kitchen.  

Busy Body...

Mom sent Helen to my house with banana sandwiches and chips at  noon.  Today is grocery day and I had exhausted all my food. 

"She's gone to get your groceries now," Helen said. "And I am so glad to be off work."

"Your house is clean, baby," Helen then said as we sat down in my den.

"I was a whirlwind yesterday cleaning everything," I replied.

"What makes your momma sleep so much?" Helen then asked surprising me.

"It is her medicine for her mental illness," I replied. "It makes her very sleepy and groggy."

"Ah," Helen said. "I didn't know that."

We then talked about what I wanted for lunch tomorrow.

"Surprise me," I told her. "Helen, you could cook a dishrag and it would taste good."

Helen finally left and I was sad to see her go.  The company was nice for a moment there.  Now, to wait on mom and my groceries.  I have my heart set on a piece of chocolate creme pie.  

Two Steps Forward. Three Steps Back...

I broke down in my shower this morning feeling overwhelmed. "I don't think I can take all this shit today," I muttered.  I wanted just a quiet day at home with my Internet and my TV.

Soon dad arrived to pick me up.  I brushed my hair and put on my favorite San Diego Chargers ball cap. 

"You look and smell nice today," dad said as he handed me two of my Clonazepam.  "This won't take long."

We arrived at the hospital and dad immediately went into social gregarious mode.  Talking to everyone he saw.  I quietly sat in a back chair of the lobby shying away from all the small talk.  "I wish mom would have taken me," I said at one point to myself. 

We waited an hour to be called back for our blood work.  "Thank you," I prayed to the gods that be that this ordeal was about over. 

"You okay?" dad asked.

"Overwhelmed," I said. "Too much stimulus."

Dad held my hand to calm me.  I was on the edge of a massive anxiety attack.

I am still so fragile these days.  Dad says mom and I are both in such a way.  We can't take all the social aspects that come when doing something with my father.  Dad reminds me of a politician. 

I was so glad to get home.  I immediately curled up in the bed with Maggie and nervously smoked cigarette after cigarette.  Dad called me a moment later and said, "All burdens weren't lifted on Calgary."  His favorite catch phrase about how mom and I couldn't even handle such things with divine intervention.  

Travels With Tim...

Tim picked me up at lunch.  We had our customary talk about ice hockey on the way down through the valley.

"I really appreciate you doing this," I told him. "Getting this injection isn't any fun and I trust you."

"Thank you," Tim said.

"Dad speaks highly of you as an employee as well," I then told Tim.

"I love my job," he told me. "It is good to hear that."

My usual nurse has been out since Christmas with a newborn.  I was so glad to see her beautiful face again adorned in her nurses' scrubs.  She gave me my injection and I was soon headed back up the road in the company van to home.  I always thank my lucky stars when I can make it through such an ordeal without having an anxiety attack.

Tomorrow is blood work at the hospital.  Dad is picking me up at 8 AM.  I don't know why they won't just let me drive myself.  I guess dad fears I won't go. 

Mother Nature's Wrath...

Maggie woke me this morning to walk at four and it was storming something crazy.  Vivid flashes of lightning lit up the sky followed by house shaking thunder.  I got out of the bed long enough to sit in the dark of my den and listen to the pounding rain for awhile.  At one point, the tornado siren down the street went off causing Maggie to start howling loudly.  It was an other-worldly event and sound. 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday.  I appreciated it very much.  The main gift I am getting from my father is to get my Honda cleaned up, the radio fixed, and my 100,000 mile service at the Honda dealership.  Mom got me a wonderful framed mural of all the various steam engines the traveled the Chattahoochee Valley Railway since the eighteen hundreds.  You know me and trains so I really liked that gift.  It looked much more expensive that it actually was.  

37 Years Younger...

Today I turned 37 years old.  I thought it was neat that Easter and my birthday fell on the same day. It is going to be a quiet birthday at home.  Just like I like them.

Dad loves to tell the story about my mother and my birth.  Dad says mom was casually reading a novel.  She then had me with no complications at all.  Within an hour after the childbirth she was reading her novel again so nonchalant.    

Heaping Piles of Food...

I watched as mom ate two heaping plates of food today at lunch.

"Geez, you must've been hungry," I told her.

Helen fried hamburger steaks with onion gravy, mashed potatoes, and English peas.  It was a meal I had requested and thoroughly enjoyed.

"I am going to get fat again," mom said as she cleaned her plate.

After lunch, I went shopping for a new computer keyboard.  The one that came with my Dell was lacking.  I braved the dreaded Wal-Mart only to walk out victorious and I didn't see my ex-wife thankfully.  She lives at such places and it is a small town.   

No Bourbon for You...

"If you go to AA, are you allowed to drink on a moderate basis after you've been sober awhile?" was the curious question George asked me this morning.

"Abstinence," I replied. "You are supposed to never drink again."

"That sucks donkey balls," George said frowning.

I couldn't help but laugh.  It was an innocent enough question.

"You thinking about going to AA?" I then asked.

"Hell no," George said. "They're a bunch of religious, brainwashed kooks."

George might be opposed to AA, but he always asks me questions about it.  He has this fascination with the subject.  I didn't tell George this, but I rarely go as well these days.  Every time I go, Phillip, the local AA patriarch asks me if I am sober and miserable. 

"Your miserable despite being sober," he will tell me. "You need to work your program."

I don't have the heart to tell him I've been feeling pretty well except for my bouts with my mental illness. 

A few months ago, I went to an overeaters anonymous meeting and really liked it.  The drawback?  It was a very long drive.  A drive I can't afford often. 

Not a Killing Frost...

Dad was off today when I went to get my colas.  He was in his robe with the most raggedy bedroom slippers on.

"What was the low last night?" he asked me.

"30," I replied.

"Close call," dad said. "But I don't think it was a killing frost."

Mom had acted ugly to me yesterday and didn't even remember it today when I went back to her room to get cigarettes. 

"Hey there!" she said gleefully, poking her head out of the covers.

"Hey mom," I replied.

"Only take one carton of cigarettes," she told me.

"Okay," I replied, not understanding why it mattered.

So that is my boring life this morning.  I am now home watching Court TV on my computer while Maggie lies on the bed in my computer room. 

Don't Worry! It is just the ShamWOW guy!

His real name is Vince, and he got arrested last week with a prostitute.  I think she beat him up.  How about adding insult to injury?

MoonShot....

Full moon?  Does this mean I get a free pass to act crazy for one night and not get locked up? LOL

Howdy! Nice day, huh?

On feline watch...

Winter's last gasp...

It was lightly snowing or sleeting on the drive back from my parents this morning.  Just enough to get me excited yet it looked weird to see all the azaleas blooming at the same time.  I am ready for warm days and for winter to come to an end. 

Mom was perturbed at my calling this morning.

"I was asleep," she told me.

"You are always asleep," I replied, losing my patience with her today.  "There would never be a good time to call."

When I arrived home, I bundled up in my warmest walking clothes.  Maggie and I headed out for a two mile jaunt.  Mom got me a harness yesterday at Wal-Mart and it proved to be much better than the collar for walking Maggie. 

$3 dollars richer...

George was back at work this morning.  I had just been by mom's to get my $3 dollars and my sodas. 

"What did you think of mother's pot roast?" George asked as I sipped on some very hot coffee. 

"I swear your mother is the best Southern cook I have ever encountered," I replied honestly.  

George just beamed with pride. 

"She loves you to death," George said.

I still hadn't walked Maggie so I told George goodbye after only one cup of coffee.

"Where have you been???" Maggie seemed to say when I got home.

"It's cold girl," I told her as if she could speak. "You owe me a big favor for us walking in this."

The thing I noticed most on our walk this morning was all the birds calling and singing.  It might have been cold this morning, but it didn't deter the birds.   Catbirds were at every corner defending their territory. 

Munchkin....

I can't keep from looking at this and laughing! LOL

Incorrigible George...

George kept going out to his car to get a drink.  "Excuse me," he would say and then would come back in reeking of bourbon.  Mrs. Jones doesn't let him drink or smoke inside. 

"I wish he would stop that drinking," George's mom told me with a scowl and a sigh as I was in the kitchen watching her cook.

Lunch was delicious.  My favorite thing was Mrs. Jones' homemade biscuits and gravy.  Every time I would eat my two, George's mom would put two more on my plate.  I must have eaten ten.  They literally melted in your mouth.

George and I got on a discussion of the differences between black and white churches after lunch.

"Black people go to church for hours," George told me.

"And black preachers are really theatrical and dramatic," I replied.

"That's to get the fear of God in you," George said.

I finally drove home in a driving rain.  It was just a few miles, but I was growing concerned I couldn't see to drive.  I am still so shaky these days.   

Disheveled...

George was a wreck this morning at Fat Albert's.  He looked like he had been up all night.  Red shot eyes.  Disheveled clothes. 

"Don't even ask me how I made it into work," he told me.

It made me feel so grateful that I don't drink these days. 

"Mom wants you to came and eat Sunday dinner with us tomorrow," George said. "I was going to call you."

Mrs. Jones is one of the best Southern cooks I have ever encountered.  I am unsure if I will go, but the thought was nice. 

The Bearded Dragon...

I hadn't shaven in several days.  It will literally drive mom and dad crazy.  They will gather together in an intervention of sorts.

"Shave tomorrow," dad said last night.

"I think I am going to keep a goatee," I replied.

"You look like homeless people," dad said frowning.

Mom called this morning worried.  They see it as signs my mental illness is worse.

"What kind of razor do you use?" mom asked.

"Gillette Mach 3 Turbo," I replied.

"I am going now to get you a new razor and blades," mom said upon me saying my razor was dull.

Mom arrived at my house a moment ago along with Helen.

"Those blades cost $21 dollars," mom said aghast. 

"You will look better after shaving baby," Helen chimed in.

I just laughed and got in the bathroom to shave.  All this over a 3 day shadow.  

Dear Diary...

Today I went to a different doctor than my psychiatrist.  Mom tagged along as my support group.  We were both worried about what dad would say.  I didn't like my psychiatrist telling me to do breathing exercises to stop these terrible anxiety attacks.  This new doctor put me on beta blockers saying it will help with dealing with adrenaline at certain receptors.  He also prescribed Clonazepam to be taken every day.  My psychiatrist would only allow an emergency ration of this medicine.   I am so tired my eyes are burning.  I know I will sleep well tonight. I feel like some great victory was achieved today.  Someone light the fireworks.