Changing Directions

I wrote a long post about a mostly harmless argument Rosa and I had last night.  I decided to take it down.  It was a standard run-of-the-mill relationship squabble so nothing new. Rosa watches too much TV.  I spend too much time on the computer.  I think we all have those. On to more positive things...

I walked Rosa home early this morning.  I am so ready to have my car back.  The detectives should call me sometime today.  I am going to baby that car when I get it back by washing and waxing it, and detailing the interior.  I am also going to get my oil changed. 

I really don't have much to say now that I've axed the post about Rosa's and my squabble.  Maybe the day will offer up more writing fodder as it progresses.

Talking Out my Ass...

I love Rosa.  I really do.  I grow wary of her staying over EVERY night, though. I can sometimes grow cynical and think she only likes me for my cable television.  She doesn't have cable at home.  She loves to watch reality TV and the absolute worst programs. 

We got in a little argument last night over my use of the computer.

"You spend four hours a day on that computer," she told me standing at my door as I sat here.

"You spend eight hours a day watching TV," was my reply.  "I don't like to watch TV."

"Well, you could spend more time with me," she said.

"But I would be spending it watching TV with you and like I said, I don't like TV."

Rosa left the room to do what?  Watch more television.  It so reminded me of my ex-wife.  I once had a vibrant online social life with a bunch of gaming buddies spread across the country.  We were number one in the nation at competitively playing a game called Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force.  My ex-wife knew of my time spent with my friends and my propensity to play the game to keep my edge.  We got married and she wanted me to change.  Many nights were spent arguing over my time spent with my friends on my computer.  I don't want to repeat that part of my history.

I shouldn't even post this as it will generate nasty comments, but I am talking out my ass here.  The positive of all this?  Me and Rosa will no doubt work out our differences where me and Rachel never could.  Compromise is the key to any lasting relationship. 

It's not your grandmother's town anymore...

I just wrote a comment to a friend who was a victim of credit card fraud. I wrote the fact that my grandmother never locked her house a day in her life, and never took the keys out of the ignition of her car. Naively, I thought I still lived in that world. It was such a rude awakening the day after Christmas when I took my trash to the road and found my car gone.

My grandmother's town didn't even have a police department. On the odd chance something happened, they called the next town over and they sent a patrol car. My grandmother's most pressing problem as mayor of that town was getting running water to every house in town. Many people still relied on well water. They never had to deal with crime of any sort other than the out-of-towners speeding through downtown on their way to an Auburn football game.

Imagine my shock, when already numb from the holidays, I walked out to find my beloved Honda CR-V gone! The nicest car I had ever owned. I stood there a few minutes as this was all processed by my somewhat dimwitted brain. Stolen car? Here? It forever changed my virgin view on crime and punishment. No longer would I go to sleep with my keys in my front and back door. Everyone who walked by my house looked suspicious when they once looked harmless. I began to take notice of my possessions and my very acute lack of money and ability to replace them. I was a victim of one of the hardest lessons in life: that people will want and take what you have. It is a lesson I hope I don't have to learn again and that I hated to have to learn in the first place. It felt like the first time I realized there was no Santa when I caught my father bringing in the gifts midnight Christmas eve. I am 35 years old and still just becoming an adult. Let's hope my more senile years prove more forgiving. I don't think I can take many more lessons like that. It's not your grandmother's town anymore. 

They Found my Car...

I just talked to a detective on the phone. They found my car and it is locked. They need a key to get in and process evidence. I called my mother and she can't find my spare key. She's talking to the detectives now. The detective did say there was no damage to my car and it was in one piece. I hope they didn't dog out the engine and transmission. I am just so relieved it may get returned to me. You better be damned sure I will never leave my keys in my car anymore. It was a lesson hard learned. From now on it will be locked with the alarm on.

Being Afraid of the Phone

I don't know what it is, but picking up that phone and calling sends my heart to racing. I held the 1-800 number for Alabama Vocational Rehabilitation in my hand as I stood over the phone, picked it up, and listened for the dial tone. I slammed it back down.

"What's wrong?" Rosa asked, walking into my computer room after hearing that loud noise. I was so frustrated.

"I am scared of calling," I said. "I am afraid they won't help me. I am afraid to talk to another person."

"Do you want me to call?"

"No, I just want to get over these fears of the phone!" was my aggravated reply.

I paced the floor some more as Rosa left to go watch some TV.

"You're acting crazy!" Rosa hollered from the other room. "Calm down and lay down!"

I took Rosa's advice and lay down for a few moments. My heart was beating furiously in my chest. It almost felt like one of my anxiety attacks was about to start. I felt better, though, in a few moments. I never did make the call.

Early Morning Check-In...

Rosa and I both couldn't sleep this morning.  I grew excited this morning in that the holidays are officially over.  The world turns again.  Kids go back to school.  Businesses are back in full swing of things.  Life marches ever forwards. 

"Ugh!" Rosa exclaimed early at 5 a.m this morning. "The covers are soaking wet."

I've had a problem with night sweats.  Big problem.  I think it has something to do with my medications.  The covers on my bed were literally wringing wet.  We both got up and I threw my sheets into the washing machine.  They needed washing anyway.  It had been two weeks. 

Breakfast was soon started.  I walked to the grocery store last night and got one of my favorite breakfast comfort foods: cinnamon and raisin bagels.  We ate the toasted bagels with peanut butter and a banana for each.  Glasses of cold milk accompanied them. 

"Sometimes the simplest breakfasts are the best," Rosa told me as we sat at my kitchen table in the predawn dark.

"Well, this is certainly easier than cooking and cleaning up," I replied. 

Today I must get busy on contacting Vocational Rehabilitation.  I never heard back from that case manager even though she said she would call.

"They're just busy," Charlie told me last night when he was over. "Remember? I work for the state."

I hope that is all it is.  I need to find a 1-800 number on their website.  I can't call long distance on my phone. 

Of the Least of Us...

I've been reading The Homeless Guy for four years now every day. I still have tons of questions, but the guy won't allow comments or answer emails. I used to be very critical of him. I thought he was arrogant and his blog was nothing more than a front for a very wily panhandler. He still miffs me when he posts the simple post, "Saturday is my birthday," just to generate Paypal donations. I read along as he took and took and never gave anything back -- his blog being the only contribution to helping solve homelessness. A subject dear to my heart.

He is now down to about 200 readers a day as you can see by clicking on his sitemeter button from a high of thousands. I won't gloat though. I really want to see the guy get a home. I want his blog to be successful. Nobody has put up with more online shit than he, and much of it was his fault I might add if I am honest. If he would have only been kinder or gentler, but that may be too much to ask of a homeless man dealing with life on the streets.

He recently got a part time job and I was so elated for him. I was wary, too, though. Too often this fellow has started something only to never finish it. I worried that work would get tedious and rote, and he would quit. I think me and him are a lot alike thus I think I know what he is going to do. I guess that was why I grew so enthralled by his blog. I could see myself in him. I went so far as wanting to emulate him by moving to Nashville and following his lead -- to live the aimless and responsibility-less life of a homeless man who blogged in coffee shops with laptops. Luckily, I never could get up enough money for a bus ticket or the courage, or I would have been long gone.

It makes me scared that I am so alike him. Will I quit once I start working? Will I give up when the newness wears off and work becomes routine? Will I abandon my family and Maggie to live the idle life of the un-homed? It is times like these I want to emulate my father. Responsible. Steady. Fiscally sound. All the characteristics of good character I want to emulate. Sadly, I see my personality and character mirrored by the life of a homeless guy living a state away. Is there hope for me?

More on Medications...

I am noticing a big positive effect from my medications lately. For example, I am drinking only 12 diet Cokes a day. I attribute this to my Luvox. I was drinking 24 regular Cokes a day. I am also smoking less. I used to smoke two cartons a week and now I am down to one. This makes me so hopeful that I can live a moderate life.

For too long, my life has been a life of extremes. Extreme spending. Extreme poverty. Extreme paranoia. Extreme drinking. Extreme smoking. I have always been an all or nothing kind of fellow -- the kind of soul that is always burning his candle at both ends. It is amazing I still have my health and sanity these days.

The Lithium is serving to moderate my moods. I have an evenness of feelings these days. Not the deep, dark depressions interspersed with wild mania. My doctor says I am schizo-affective -- having symptoms of both schizophrenia plus bi-polar disorder.

It still amazes me I have gone so long without drinking. For most of my adult life, I lived to get drunk. My life was one drunken binge after another. I thought today that maybe God was working in my life when I started having those terrible anxiety attacks from drinking. I cringe when I think about drinking now. Those anxiety attacks were some of the scariest things I have ever experienced. Much worse than anything I encountered from my unwell mind and the schizophrenia. I thought I was dying every time an attack would come on.

Full of Hope and Dreams...

"What are you doing?" Rosa asked me early this morning.

"I am on Honda.com looking at the new Civic coupe Si," I replied.

"Oh, that is beautiful," Rosa said looking closely at the screen. "I love that color blue."

"You know," I said. "For so long I couldn't even afford a pack of cigarettes and now I am looking at new cars. It is strange, but it feels good. I hope to start work again soon."

Rosa hugged me and kissed me on the top of my head. "You're gonna be okay, kiddo," she said.

I walked Rosa home this morning and made a beeline straight to the shopping center which is near Rosa's house. I knew either Ferret or Big S would be out there and they both were.

"What's up, man?" Ferret asked me as I walked up.

"I am worried about you, dude," I replied.

"Oh, about the homelessness?"

"Yeah," I said. "It is going to be a cold winter."

Ferret shrugged off my concerns and went back to drinking his coffee. It never ceases to amaze me how people such as Ferret and I can just completely dismiss the future. Something I sorely need to work on. They say in A.A. to take it one day at a time, and I am trying. I want to be mindful of the future as well -- to have plans and goals.

"I'll be fine," Ferret finally said. His eyes bloodshot from last night's drinking session.

I walked on home with Ferret's predicament pressing firmly on my mind. I often want to be homeless again, but I don't know what I would do if it were forced upon me. Ferret has a choice though. He can sober up again, take his meds, and go to A.A. He spends a fortune on beer and liquor every week. I am not one to judge, though. It is his life after all.

Houston scientists see hope in cocaine vaccine

I showed Rosa this article tonight and she said she will believe it when she sees it.

"There is too much money to be made in crack cocaine and powder cocaine by law enforcement types and politicians," she told me. "They need to be working on a vaccine for alcoholics.  They are, by far, the most economically and socially damaging group of addicts."

Rosa was right in my opinion.

Baylor doctors say shots block the drug's high

By TODD ACKERMAN
Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle  

The needle may be one of addiction's enduring symbols, but two Houston researchers hope injections of modified cocaine actually provide the first-ever medication for people hooked on the destructive drug.

The Baylor College of Medicine scientists have developed a cocaine vaccine, currently in clinical trials, that stimulates the immune system to attack the real thing when it's taken.

As a result, cocaine no longer provides a kick.

[...] Read the rest here.

Ah, Benadryl...

I was trying to talk Ferret into taking Benadryl instead of drinking today.  Ferret's drinking is getting out of hand and he is soon to be homeless again.

"You sure that shit will fuck you up?" Ferret asked.

"Take four and you will feel a mellow buzz," I replied. "Take six and you are feeling good."

"How much does it cost?"

"The generic Benadryl costs $2.99 for a 24 pack at Kroger."

I was thinking Benadryl would be better on his kidneys and liver. He would be more likely to go to sleep instead of binge drinking all night like he tends to do.  It certainly is far cheaper than the $6.49 Ferret plonks down on a twelve pack of Natural Ice Beer every afternoon.

One of my favorite photos...

I took this photo just after Christmas last year with my new Canon Powershot A640. I just love the way the sun is reflected in the windows. 

The Evening's Sunset...

The Ethics of Disability

The social security administration gives me nine months to work full time and still draw my disability.  It is called the "Ticket to Work" program.  I hope that rehabilitation will take some months and then I start work, and that will allow me to buy a car.  I will essentially have two incomes coming in. 

I worry though.  I feel able to work, but don't know how to go about it.  Without a car, most jobs are out of my reach.  I also worry about the ethics of drawing disability insurance when I am able bodied.  Rosa says I paid that money in taxes and shouldn't feel guilty about drawing it.  I still do though.  I want to be self supporting.  I want to be independent, and I feel a job is key to me gaining independence from the long arm of my father.

My advertising campaigns have been a joke ever since Google Adsense banned me.  I was mailed a check today for $26 dollars from Adbrite.  That was a pitiful amount and that was for months of showing ads.  So far, I've made $50 with Bidvertiser the last few months, but I certainly can't support myself by these ads.  I am thinking of dropping all advertisement from the blog.  There is just no shortcut to having an old fashioned 9 to 5 job, is there?  Let me know what you think about the ads, or if you ever even given them any thought.   

Butter My Biscuits!

"Your mother needs to buy you healthier food," Rosa told me this evening. "All those meals and pizza are filled with fat and sodium."

"I know," I replied. "I just have to go with what is easier for her. If I gave her a grocery list, then that would send her into a tizzy. She would feel overwhelmed."

It was good to see Rosa this afternoon. I had been lonely, preoccupying myself with the computer. It has been a terribly slow blog day as well.

"What do you want for supper?" Rosa then asked. "I am walking to the grocery store."

"Get some whole milk buttermilk," was my reply. "I am going to make homemade biscuits. Get some cubed steak as well. I have some rice in my cabinets."

"Steak and gravy? And biscuits?" Rosa asked as a big grin formed on her face. "You know the way to my heart."

I smiled and kissed her on the cheek. She has now left to walk to Kroger's. When she gets home, I am going to cook us a grand southern-style meal of cubed streak, gravy, steamed rice, and buttered buttermilk biscuits. I can already taste those buttered biscuits now. Good night all!

Midday Ramblings...

This continues my video-a-day for January 2008. Mostly ramblings about how good I feel.

Vocational No-habilitation...

I still haven't heard back from vocational rehabilitation.  I am thinking I may need to do a follow up call.  I am still excited though.  I dreamed last night that I was a working man.  It was a pleasant dream of where I had gotten my first paycheck.  Sadly, the paycheck all went to bills, but it still felt so good to be able to pay my way.  I think that is so important for the mental health of a man to be self supporting. 

Lately, I am dreaming lots as in daydreams.  I dream of a newer, faster computer.  Of ordering the parts and putting it together.  Of picking out the processor, motherboard, and RAM.  Of playing the latest games with full graphics even though I rarely play games these days.  I dream of buying my own little pickup truck by the sweat of my brow.  I also dream of cameras and being able to buy a digital SLR.   It has been years since I've had these feelings and it feels hopeful, good, and healthy. 

Largesse!

Mom just left after bringing much largesse!  My fridge is stocked with microwave meals, pizza, and diet coke.  All my favorites.

"I am going now to go buy Maggie's food and get you some washing powders," Mom told me as she left.

I am always so grateful for what my family does for me.  I am a truly lucky man.

Into the Breach, Dear Friend!

It was another cold morning at the shopping center.  Ferret and I sat drinking coffee and people watching.  Ferret told me this morning that he was going to be homeless again.  He said it so matter-of-factly that I didn't quite know how to take it. 

"They're foreclosing on my crackhead landlord's house," he said as if it was just a passing thought.

"What about the apartments up the street?" I asked, worried. "Surely, you can rent one of those."

"Those places are a dump," Ferret replied huffily. "Besides, I kind of like being homeless.  I have more money for beer."

I started to make a mental list of what Ferret needed.  He needs a new tent and a much warmer sleeping bag.  Luckily, the dreaded Wal-Mart has those items.  He also needs some heavier clothes, gloves, and a warm coat.  I was worried about the cold more than anything.  If the long range computer weather models pan out, then its going to be a cold winter.

"You going to come drink some beer with me at my campsite?" Ferret then asked.

"I'll come and visit you, but I am not drinking beer."

Ferret laughed heartily.  He loves to pick at me about my sobriety.  I don't think he can imagine living without his daily dose of alcohol. 

I was also surprised at how Ferret was taking this.  He doesn't seem concerned at all.  I think Ferret suffers from that same deluded reality as I.  We can't think of the future or get a grasp on future events.  We live only for the moment.  It should be a psychiatric diagnosis in it's own right, existential psychosis. 

The Day's Roundup...

It has been another very pleasant day.  I could get used to my days being like this -- my life being so calm and serene -- my feeling well and mentally fit.   I have the drama of my father coming over tonight, but I am going to do my best to just smile and not let anything get to me.  I am going to let the negativity flow past me like water under a bridge.

I still haven't poured out those three beers.  They sit beckoning from my laundry cabinet.  As I get to feeling better, I can be misguided and think I can drink again -- that those terrible panic attacks were just a fleeting thing.  I know I need to pour them out so don't hammer it home and don't remind me.  I just keep thinking that I may need them.  Or is it that I want them?  Rosa would drink them if she knew about them. 

Rosa walked to the grocery store in the cold early this evening.  She brought home stuff to make a pizza with one of those pre-made crusts.   It was delicious. I asked for extra pepperoni and she complied.  The pizza was pilled high with my favorite Italian meat.  My job was cleaning the kitchen afterwards.  I can be kind of anal about the cleanliness of my house so Rosa was careful to clean up after herself for the most part.  I just have enough chaos mentally that I want my real, tangible life to be neat and tidy.  Everything has it's place in my home.  

Rosa left late this afternoon to walk home.  It is supposed to get really cold again tonight and she was worried about her pipes freezing.  It is going to be a long night without her and I will miss her.

The Homeless Guy got a job!!!  I was so excited for him. Email (mailto:TheHomelessGuy@gmail.com) him and encourage him to continue.  I know he doesn't want to hear this, but I think the only way he will ever get a home is to work full time, or just work period.  He hasn't worked in a traditional sense in years.  He doesn't have a rich family doting over him like I do that will buy him a house, and I don't think someone is ever going to just give him a house.  I feel this is his last, best hope.

So, tell me about your day!  I want to hear from my readers how they are doing.  This can't always be about me!  I hope you all had a good day and most are settling back into work after the holidays.  

The Day is Waning...

Cold Comfort...

It was cold down at the shopping center today.  So cold that my coffee would only stay hot for a short time.  Ferret joined me as we shivered and sat just outside the automatic doors of the grocery store.  With each opening of those doors, we would get a blast of warm and comforting air. It felt wonderful.

Ferret was drinking today as is pretty common for him.  He was pouring liberal dollops of Southern Comfort liquor into his coffee.  My old alcoholic brain went into overtime as various drunken scenarios played out in my mind.  That alcoholic coffee sure looked good.   I would have loved nothing more than to take a few stiff drinks to chase the cold away.  I didn't though.  I've come too far. I am too scared of those terrible anxiety attacks that the alcohol brings on. 

Me and Ferret got on the subject of my Rosa while we sat.  A subject dear to my heart. 

"You two just seem right for each other," Ferret told me of Rosa, slurring his words.

"Thanks.  She's just so much older than me though," I replied. "That worries me."

"You are lucky, man," Ferret said. "That woman loves you. I wouldn't worry about the age."

"I want to have kids someday and Rosa is way past having kids," I replied selfishly.

"You can always adopt," Ferret said and Ferret was right. "People put too much emphasis on having kids anyway."

Big S showed up for a short while.  He was listening to his walkman and smoking cigarettes.  The cold chased him back home, though, to his sister and her five kids.  Me and Ferret both chuckled as we saw Big S slink across the parking lot headed for home.  It always amazes me how much Big S walks for being so overweight.  

The cold finally got to me as well.  I shivered as I bid Ferret goodbye and walked home listening to that spurious right-wing talk radio -- the only thing on the radio these days.  I scoffed so many times listening -- wondering who in the hell actually believes all that propaganda and bullshit.  People do, though, and hang on their every word. I listen for the comedy factor. 

The Best Two Days of my Life...

It's is fifteen degrees outside.  I set up my tent and threw my sleeping bag inside.  Nightfall came with Rosa anxiously awaiting what I would do.

"I can't do it," I told her of sleeping outside as I grinned. "I just can't forego my warm bed for this."

"Good," she replied. "I was really going to question your mental health if you did."

I laughed.  It did sound kind of crazy didn't it?

Charlie came last night for the last time to bring my medications.

"Charlie," I told him. "I've had the best two days of my life as far as me doing well and none of my family was around to see it.  Isn't that just my luck?  They only see when I am doing badly."

Charlie laughed and said, "Me and you have the same luck!  Nobody ever gives a shit about me.  Join the crowd."

It has been very pleasant having Charlie come every night.  He always brings a bag of fast food and a twelve pack of diet cokes.  It happened every night.  Last night he brought me two Big Macs, an apple pie, and some fries.  One of the sandwiches I gave to Rosa which she hungrily ate.  We split the apple pie and munched on the extra large fries for the rest of the night.  Little things like this make life so pleasant and worth living. 

Maggie Perks Up!

A Simple Conversation -- A Wealth of Hope!

"What are you going to do today?" Rosa asked me as she stood at the doorway to my computer room.

"I don't know what it is, but it is going to be something positive," I replied as I typed out an email to a friend.

"I feel so good lately.  I feel hope and that is something I haven't felt in years.  I can actually envision my life turning around," I wrote in the email.

"You want to go to a meeting tonight?" Rosa then asked.

"We don't have a way to get there and the nearest meeting is in Lagrange," I replied. "That is a thirty minute drive away."

"Your car getting stolen stinks," Rosa said pouting.

"Rosa is worried it is the bi-polar aspect of my illness that is causing this positiveness I am experiencing," I continued to write my friend. "I see it as hope -- hope that my normally morose nature is lifting.  I will take this pole of bi-polar any day if that is what it is."

"Online meeting!" I brainstormed as I stopped writing and Rosa still stood in my doorway. "You are going to get on the laptop and join in."

"I can't type," Rosa replied.

"But you can read and we are going to a meeting, hell or high water," I quipped.

Rosa smiled and walked out of the room to go pour herself a cup of coffee.  I am not fond of online A.A. meetings, but they will do in a pinch.  Today continues my forward progress through life with a positive outlook.  Looking for answers to problems instead of always giving excuses as to why I can't do something.  This new attitude is proving to be so contagious.  I haven't seen Rosa this excited in months as well.

Big Plans for the New Year and the Blog

I have big plans for this New Year and the blog.  I want my life to be about recovery and hope.  I want to share with you all as I make forward progress into getting my life back on track.  I want to become a better and more descriptive writer.  I want to get involved with vocational rehabilitation and get off disability.  I want to be a self supporting man -- a man of means, full of hope and goodwill.  I also want to get involved in A.A. again.  I am lamenting the fact that so few meetings are now held locally.  I tend to be a perfectionist, an all or nothing fellow, and want to go to meetings twice a day.  I can't do that without a car.  Thank you all for reading along and I hope this journey proves beneficial to you as well.  HOPE and RECOVERY.  That is my new mantra.  Damn, I feel so good. 

Walking and Talking...

Schiz, to you dear sir!

It didn't sink into my thick skull that I was schizophrenic until I got sober.  I always have thought excessive drinking was a mental illness and caused all my paranoia and delusions.  I got a rude awakening when I sobered up.  I realized that all those years I medicated myself with alcohol.  And I medicated to excess to squelch the symptoms of my schizophrenia.  I always thought in the back of my mind that I could quit drinking and go back to a "normal" life.  I was wrong. 

The "busy" brain started first.  I couldn't sit still and constantly paced the floors of my home.  The only way I could watch television was to pace the floors of my den in front of the TV.  I had trouble concentrating on webpages as well, thinking the authors were watching me and the government was keeping tabs on every page I visited.  I would have to go lie down, but I couldn't sleep.  I would lay there as my brain busily concocted weird scenarios and strange thoughts.

I didn't help that I was throwing up my medications completely negating any of the hard work my father was trying to accomplish in coming over every night.  He would wait thirty minutes hoping the pills would dissolve and then I would run into the bathroom and force myself to throw up after he left.  I thought the pills were making me feel bad.  I thought the medications were harming me and my father was trying to control me.

I have felt better than I have in months recently.  I attribute this to my medications.  Now, I take my medications willfully and look forward to that time in the evening when my father or one of his friends comes to give them to me.  I was always a hard headed fool. I always did have to learn lessons the hard way.  It seems I constantly live in some strange fantasy land -- a land where reality rarely visits.  Let's hope I will continue to do well and feel well in the upcoming days.  I have hope, and that is something I haven't had in years.  I am sober.  I am sane for the most part.  Things are looking up in J-ville.     

No Problems. I swear!

It is so easy to come to this blog and write about problems, but I feel good. I feel so good, in fact, that I've had a perpetual smile on my face all evening. I want to be able to come to this blog every night saying the same thing: no problems. I swear!

"What's gotten into you?" Rosa asked me a minute ago.

"I think my Luvox is working," I replied. "I never gave it much of a chance as I was always throwing up my medications."

"Dumbass," Rosa said jokingly. "Take your meds! I love to see you smile."

Charlie has yet to arrive with tonight's medications. I eagerly await my Benadryl. It always makes me sleep like a baby. I, too, welcome Charlie's company. I admire my father's best friend so much. He came from a family of fourteen children and had to claw his way to the top. He worked himself through college in his thirties and landed a primo job with the state. It always cheers me up to see him.

I also emailed The Homeless Guy and offered him a vacation from homelessness. I told him he could come and stay a few weeks and rest. I hate to see his blog die and from looking at his sitemeter, his blog isn't doing so well. Maybe a vacation will reinvigorate his desire to write and blog. His blog is still one of my favorites. I doubt I will hear from him though. He doesn't like me very much and never answers my emails.

Snow!

Could the snow make it here that is in Tennessee? I am so excited! We could get to see a few flakes fly!

New Year's Video

Hard Freeze...

This kind of cold is pretty uncommon this far into the Deep South. I look forward to camping in this weather the next few nights, and giving my goose down sleeping bag a run for it's money. It is rated at zero degrees Fahrenheit.

Those People...

I warily watch people walking past my home, and there are many. My street is the main thoroughfare between a poor neighborhood and the housing projects. It is terrible of me, but I look on suspiciously. "I wonder which one of you people stole my car," I think. You people. Someone obviously needed my car more than me. I hardly ever drove it which makes life somewhat easier without it. I hate drawing lines in the sand like that though. As if the poor minority people walking by my house were any different from me.

It makes me wonder what people think about me when they find my blog. I wonder if I am one of those people. I have no qualms of sharing some pretty personal and emotional stuff. I wrote about suicide for God's sake last week. I blather on about schizophrenia and we all know the stigma surrounding mental illness.

I got an email today from someone who lives nearby who happened upon the blog and they told me they were laughing at me and not with me. They also named my uncle's pharmacy thinking I was my cousin, Andrew. "How many of your father's customers are reading?" they asked. Close, but no cigar. I just wrote back telling them to do their worse, and that I had nothing to lose. Used to, I would have yanked down this blog in embarrassment and fear.

I realize today that I am one of those people. I am poor. I no longer have a car, nor can I afford to get another. I will be walking everywhere. My destination may not be the housing projects, but it will be pretty close. My friends are Ferret, a drunk who lives in a garage, and Big S, a lay-about with nothing better to do than hang out at a shopping center. I am one of those people and I am okay with that.

Sleepyhead...

What a Strange Trip it has Been

"God, it's cold!" I exclaimed to Big S this morning.

Big S was bundled up in his hunter's overalls and a big heavy jacket. The wind was blowing something fierce and cut through you like shards of ice.

"I'm heading home," Big S told me. "I can't take this cold."

"See ya man," I replied as Big S shook my hand.

That left me alone down at the shopping center. I watched as people hurried inside the grocery store to escape the cold wind. It was going to get colder as the day progressed. I didn't stay long. I was hoping to get up something interesting to write.

I had a really broken sleep last night. Charlie came by to bring my medications and my Benadryl. He was in good spirits and brought along two twelve packs of Diet Coke. I love it when Charlie brings my medications as he always brings treats. Something my father would never do.

"Don't eat lunch tomorrow," Charlie told me. "I am bringing you a big plate of traditional New Year's southern fare."

That will give me something to look forward to today. Charlie's wife is a fantastic cook.

I've been thinking a lot about schizophrenia lately. I like to hide the fact that I have it. I guess I am ashamed. My latest symptoms have been a busy mind. I have trouble concentrating and focusing. My head seems to spin and I have to go lay down for an hour or two. I get back up and I am fine. This is much better than the paranoia though and the delusions. At least, I no longer believe delusionally that I am being followed and watched. I have to take it one day at a time like they do in A.A.

I've got A LOT of email from people urging me to go back to A.A. Without a car, my options are limited. The meeting hall is only a fifteen minute walk from my house, but they have really cut down their meetings times. We only have meetings on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. My local A.A. group is really struggling lately with membership. I also get embarrassed that I don't have a dollar to put in the donation basket at meeting's end. It embarrasses me supremely and makes me not want to go.