Preemptive Strike

The phone calls started at 7 AM. The phone would ring three times and then the caller would hang up. They would never leave a message. It was good ole’ Uncle Bob. This had occurred around 4 or 5 times and then I made a preemptive strike. I turned off the ringer and reveled in the peace and quiet.

“If you know who it is then why don’t you just pick up the phone?” You must be thinking.

I am a stubborn son of a bitch when it comes to Uncle Bob. He drives me literally crazy. He only calls if he needs me to do something for him and it is usually trivial shit. I also value my privacy and I have the right to not answer the phone if I do not want to. I don’t care if it is Jesus on the other end trying to sell salvation. If you want me, then leave a fucking message and I will get back in touch with you if it is important.

As predicted, Bob soon drove over. He always does this when he can’t get me to answer the phone. I heard the car door shut and then he tried to open my door. It was locked. He walked around the house and started yelling into my open windows. Bob’s redneck, country twang accented voice rang out into my apartment and sent shivers down my spine.

“Andrew?” Bob hollered. “YOU IN THERE?”

“ANDREW, I KNOW YOUR’E IN THERE. I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING,” Bob hollered again.

I acted like I had been asleep.

“What do you want Bob?” I asked through the window.

“Listen, can I come in for a moment?” He asked. “I have been trying to call you all morning.”

I walked to the door and opened it. He stepped inside. I was livid.

“Bob, I know you are an elderly man and I should respect my elders, but the damn phone calls have got to stop, okay?” I said.

My anger had overridden any of my inhibitions.

“Why don’t you just pick up the phone?” Bob asked angrily in reply.

“Bob, listen closely, I have an answering machine!” I exclaimed. “I screen my calls! If it is important I will call you back!”

“I need you to install these here minutes on my cell phone.” Bob replied handing me one of those god awfully expensive pre-pay phone cards from Tracphone.

All of this over a stupid cell phone; I installed the minutes and then handed him back the phone. Bob handed me the little package the card came on.

“Call that there number and see about getting me those double minutes,” Bob said.

“Nope,” I said. “I don’t do phone calls.”

Bob had finally crossed the line. I hate talking on the phone.

“Well, I guess I can go get Linda (his maid) to do it,” Bob said not too pleased with my answer.

“Bob, you have a nice day,” I replied as I ushered him to the door.

He got in his car and left.

Do they sell such a thing as a repellant for obtrusive, aggravating, and un-thoughtful relatives? If so, I want to buy some stock in the company and become a shareholder.