Sat down at the emergency room for two hours and walked out. I just couldn't wait any longer -- the panic growing with every minute. I waited until a nurse opened the big doors to freedom. I just panicked so badly and wanted to be at home. My life continues to take interesting twists. I wonder if they will call me? I was admitted, after all. They may not even miss me they were so busy. I felt much better after leaving feeling they would think I was only there for medications to get high on. I just wanted to feel better. I was also afraid they would admit me back on the mental ward. I had told the admitting nurse that I was having terrible paranoia and hallucinations during my worst spells. I couldn't bear going without my little cigars for another week.
Really looking forward to A.A. tonight. Can't wait to see the regulars like Sandy, Tiffany, Mary, and Billie. I want to hear some words of support -- that I will not die drunk and alone. Any words will be fine and I will happily sit and listen. I feel much better tonight almost growing on normal. It is so awesome not to feel my heart pounding in my chest. Maybe just going to the emergency room brought solace to this addled soul with sitting there quietly for two hours being my catharsis.
22 comments:
I am hanging on to hear how AA goes tonight. I, too, agree that should be good for you this evening. Be well. As always, peace...
Oh! Oh! I'm glad you're home and I think the walk and the meeting will be helpful - you need to be around people right now.
I so understand the panic attack thing. It is hard to cope and it is frightening. You are fortunate that you can sleep without having one.
Glad you are feeling well enough to go to your meeting! Breathe and move forward as I always remind myself.
Peace,
Lena
Love your blog. keep it up
Hang in there for AA. I think it will help.
I hope the AA helps. Exercise definitely helps panic attacks - it is a good release of all that adrenaline which is building up in your system.
I'm sorry you felt the need to go to the ER.
Exercise is definitely a plus. Maybe just the change of environment from your home to the hospital helped you. If it happens again, which I really hope it won't, try getting out of the house immediately. Just walk around or have a destination in mind. But get moving and see if that helps.
I hope AA is a great one.
I think Kelly Jene's idea is a good one. Keep moving. And remember...all your anxiety attacks have worked themselves out. And they will. When they're happening, try to think of something else. Or do something else. You need to distract your mind from focusing on the moment. You know I've been there.
I hate that you're feeling so alone. I'm glad for tonight's A.A. meeting. I so want for you to meet a kindred spirit.
Hang in there!! Start writing down a list of things you like and things you are glad for like Maggie, your walks, your friends in blogland... When you start to panic about things then read the list and think about those things.
I am relieved to read that you were feeling better this evening. I hope you made it to the meeting, and that your friends there were encouraging. Have you talked with your therapist about some ways to deal with those horrible panic attacks so they don't grow and multiply? I wish you a MUCH better day tomorrow, and a good weekend ahead. Hugs, Josie
Hey I saw this online community today and thought I'd share it with you, Andrew. I ready LeahPeah's blog and she started www.realmental.org. I love her blog and just started reading realmental tonight. Several different perspectives! Something to occupy some time, maybe :)
Every day I read your blog and I always remember you in my prayers. Most of your readers who comment are constructive and all only want the best for you as do I.
You have blog friends who hold you dear to their hearts but I know it isn't the same as direct contact. I'm sure anyone of us would be there if we could. Just know that we all care and love you - each in our own way.
Thanks for outing me on the internet. Don't you know what the A's stand for?
Sir:
As an endocrinologist, I would suggest that perhaps the best non-medicative ways you can combat and moderate your panic attacks would be through a two step process:
1. Excercising more intently. Currently you can and have easily walked 5 miles a day. Until you feel the subsiding of your panic attacks, walking the 5 miles at a more vigorous pace... or walking a longer distance can be helpful
2. Drinking significantly larger quantities of WATER. From reading and talking with you over the years, I have the sneaking suspicion that you are often on the verge of dehydration. You do not seem to drink much in the way of fluids and when you do drink fluids they are very often of the type that actually can dehydrate more than hydrate. I would strongly recommend that you force yourself to drink a minimum of 64 ounces of pure WATER daily, especially during this time of experiencing panic attacks.
The reason for the two suggestions are that a major contributor to panic attacks is significant elevation in at least one if not more of the four stress hormones. These stress hormones are (short term) epinephrine, norepinephrine, and (long term) the cortisols and aldosterone. They all lead to most every symptom you experience in a panic attack.
What the combination of vigorous exercise and ample WATER will do is to help flush those excess hormones from your body. You will literally urinate them out via the water, and will reduce their impact via the exercise.
So, I would like to urge you to try both of those options for the next few days. I think they are very easy fixes that will help you feel more regular.
Your friend,
PipeTobacco
Hey Andrew! I like the new colours on the blog. Nice! :)And your video logs are cool to watch.
Hope these panic attacks go away, they sound awful. You have a lot of good advice in your comments.
Keep those videos up, I love watching them.
All the best!
What can I say? I don't know you and you don't know me, but I can honestly say I've been down your road. Please hang in there and keep doing what it takes to feel good. Just remember, and I mean this with all sincerity, sometimes less is more.
I was having difficulty logging in. It always helps to use the correct username. :-)
Andrew, listen to Pipe Tobacco. He has a lot of wisdom when he comments.
If I may add something to PipeTobacco's water suggestion:
My doctor (she is both MD and naturopath) has me on a type of homemade saline that really ups my mood and my energy level. Dissolve a 1/2 tsp sea salt in 1/2 glass hot water, then fill the rest of the glass with cold water. You then have a warm salt water drink. Sounds absolutely disgusting but, when your body needs it, it tastes wonderful. When your body doesn't, even the thought is repulsive, but more often than not I need it. It is a strong rehydrator and gives you the salt your body needs in a healthy way, without the chips or the other crap that can accompany necessary salt intake. This salt, in turn, allows your body to fully rehydrate--just like a saline bottle you might be hooked up to in the hospital for rehydration. I can down a couple glasses in sitting, and feel much better.
Just a thought, maybe something to add, not detract, from PipeTobacco's comments.
Remaining, with peace...
Pipe is right on the exercise and water. Not only will the exercise help your panic attacks, it will make you feel better.
I'm sorry you had to be there alone..but I am proud that you managed it alone!! You are much stronger than you believe you are..
Hang in there!!
We're thinking of you!!
Always,
Crusty~
Andrew, I love your blog. Does your Dad read it? If not he should, because it shows a bright, articulate man who'se struggling. Maybe if he read it he would understand that he needs to be supportive, rather than judgmental. I think you're doing great and echo what the others say - drink LOTS of water. It flushes all kinds of toxins out and will keep you hydrated. If you don't like water, make it lemonade, or Gatorade (to replenish your electrolites). We're with you, man. Keep going strong, you're going to be fine.
I'm sorry it has been so rough, but I'm glad you are starting to feel better. I hope you got to your AA meeting and it went well. Pipe Tobacco and mapiprincesa! offer some valuable suggestions to consider. I am frequently told by those who would know that I need more water, but I have a hard time making the change. Perhaps we should both consider hydrating better.
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