I am feeling so blah this morning. My first inclination when I got out of the bed around 4 A.M. was to go get my wallet and count my cash. I sat in my den with a twenty dollar bill in hand mulling over the idea of getting a case of very strong beer and drinking the whole day away after visiting Fat Albert’s. Tears rolled down my cheeks as this internal battle of the wills waged. I finally put the money back in my wallet and cued up some comforting music (Saving Private Ryan soundtrack) and decided to write. Thus you get this post. I am hoping that writing about it will diffuse the situation somewhat.
Carolyn came over last night and flat out told me she was jealous of me and George and my computers (very reminiscent of my ex-wife Rachel). She said I care about them more and that the only thing I talk about these days is some of me and George’s antics in the past. She finally drove home and I was glad she was gone. I didn’t need any drama last night nor was I pandering to it. I find such relationships so beneficial yet so aggravating at the same time. It is hard for me to reconcile the costs versus gains ratio sometimes when it comes to intimate relationships with a female. I went to bed last night completely devoid of emotion on the Carolyn front. Her recent jealously and tirades have completely turned me off of the whole affair. My life is complicated enough without adding to the complications. I can do without sex and have done so for long periods of time before. My medications also completely blunt my sexual and emotional desires and needs. It is just another day in the life of a schizophrenic zombie. Grrrr!
7 comments:
I'm sorry that you're in a funk. Women are indeed very complex and jealous creatures. I don' what I can tell you to diffuse the situation. Try to get some rest. Most things for me seem better after I've had a chance to sleep on it.
Before you complete shrug Carolyn off, you should be honest with her and let her know how you're feeling... even if she doesn't like hearing it. The thing I hate almost as much as dishonesty is not being upfront with me... but that's just me. Women know when something's wrong even if they don't know what that something is.
I completely agree with Annabel...woman are very complex, jealous, and emotional creatures. For some women though, (and I'm one of them) telling them how you feel isn't what they're looking for, they need you to show them how you feel, which for some men can be very difficult. I know what Carolyn is going through, feeling like you're playing second fiddle to everything, I was there not too long ago. Talk to her!
I don't want to ramble on...but know that I'm thinking about you and hoping that you'll save that $20.00 for a rainy day. Relax...you need to.
And I also just wanted you to know that I'm having a hard time with your page at home. I'm writing this from work, because I don't want you to think I've disappeared again. I just can't seem to load your blog at home, all I get is the template, but there's no blog, no words, no nothing. It's strange!
Well, Take Care...
Sir:
A male perspective...
That kind of response from Carolyn is simply an unfortunate truism for many women. Carolyn is NOT accepting you for who you are at the moment. She is attempting to get you to change yourself.
The only way a person changes is if THEY want to change. Personally, I see no reason why you cannot have your interests and time with the computers and with George et.al. I think Carolyn's use of the term "jealousy" is very, very apt and important....
JEALOUSY has no place in any relationship that has hopes of being long term. Jealousy is simply a way of reacting that some people choose... to try to exert control over another person. I would fight tooth and nail against any sorts of behaviors in a relationship that were based upon jealousy.
In fact, I did do that. Early on in my marriage (and to a lesser extent during courtship), my wife would show extremely strong signs and actions of jealousy. If I were to add it all together, I would say that during the first few years of our marriage, a good 80 - 90 percent of our arguments were about that very subject. She wanted me to change who I was because she felt jealous of other things I would do in my life. It was very, very hard, but over time I was able to help her to see how unfair and unpleasant such behavior was.
Jealousy is a POISON to a relationship. No one has the right to be jealous over what their mate or partner does. They only have the right to accept that person for who he/she is.... or not accept it and leave.
PipeTobacco
I agree with Pipe about jealousy. It is a very destructive force.
Carolyn has a bit of a point, however.
An example is last week when she came to visit and spend the night. You posted on your blog after she arrived, describing how you felt about her visit ... and all the while she was there, just wanting to be with you.
You subsequently deleted the post.
Two days later it hit me how I would have felt in Carolyn's position.
It was not jealousy. I would have felt you were rude.
There is a big difference.
So, try to let go of your anger (and stubbornness) so you can examine your heart. Then aim for a balance between expressing yourself in your own way and being at peace with the compromises that must come with any relationship.
Well, I am a woman and I understand where you are coming from, Andrew!! I was just thinking this week: I am glad I don't date women.
Some of the women I work with are so emotional and needy. One small misstep which doesn't even seem like it should be a misstep and you have to massage their egos for days,weeks, months before they forget! It's ridiculous. Women need to learn to be less emotionally needy. We always blame men for not fufilling our needs when in fact, we are responsible for ourselves. A man should complement a woman's life, not complete it!
PS my take on you blogging while Carolyn is there is slightly different than Kristen's. I see you as feeling comfortable enough with Carolyn to do what you want around her.That can mean that the relationship is healthy.
m said:
I see you as feeling comfortable enough with Carolyn to do what you want around her. That can mean that the relationship is healthy. .
And that is true. If one is forever treating one's mate as a 'guest' or with kid gloves so they are not insulted or hurt, that is definitely a sign of one person losing themselves in the needs of the other person.
Not healthy at all.
But what if you only saw your 'mate' once a week or less, and you had been really hoping for a visit, and then when the visit materialized you went off and did your own thing?
I don't know what I can add here. All are good points. Relationships are never easy are they? All I can think about now is the song, "More Than Words."
A good thing to live by. Get some rest and have sweet dreams.
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