Decisions, decisions………

To drink or not to drink, that is the question. *laughs*, sorry for my bad Shakespearean pun but that is how I am feeling tonight. I struggle so much with it lately. I get so damn bored and have to fill my time during the day.

I feel as if I am caught in some sort of weird limbo; a different plane of existence where no other mortal man exists. I feel all alone and yet I am surrounded by many.

My father came over tonight. He wanted to talk. I had just cooked some supper and was about to eat. He sat at the kitchen table while I ate so as my food would not grow cold.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

I had my Risperdal consta shot today and he was checking up on me.

“I struggle everyday, dad,” I replied. “You make it look so easy.”

I opened my baked potato and poured in some A-1 sauce and a dab of butter. I fiddled for what seemed like 30 minutes adding salt and pepper to my taste.

“Well, I could tell you have struggled lately. We have not seen you for two days.” He responded.

“I know, I know.” I said with my mouth full of food. I apologized for talking with food in my mouth. I chewed my food for a minute and followed up.

“I struggle with the little things. The things you all take for granted. I want to be normal and have a normal life and you all go about it so effortlessly.” I replied.

“Don’t give me any feeling sorry for your self bullshit!” He exclaimed.

My dad can be blunt and a hard ass. I expect this. His days in the Army made him this way.

“I have paid over $2000 dollars to get your teeth fixed and you are living in my home. I expect you to get off your ass and help me in the yard. Get off your ass and do something with your life!” He decreed.

Wow, that’s a pep talk that didn’t sit well. I could feel my face flush red with anger. I bit my tongue and was a pussy. I am dependent on him and it sucks. I know how to play the game; the same game my brother and sister play with him as well.

I love that son of a bitch but he sure can piss me off. He acts as if he alone has known hard times. I have to bite my tongue. I wanted to say, “Take away your BMW and that nice house and put you in a tent and let’s see how well you fare!!!!”

He would be up shit creek for sure. I know the land and how to live on it. I have read countless hours on edible plants and frugal living. He lives a lavish lifestyle and it would most defiantly cramp his style. He would not know how to cook on an open fire or how to keep warm on a freezing winter morning. I kept my mouth shut though.

He got up to leave and head home.

“I will try harder dad.” I replied.

He gave me a hug and left.

I sat for a long time feeling despondent and a failure. I blame my genes and they are partly his. I got the worst of my mother and father as far as the genes go. I am fucked. Oh well, that is not the way to think. I will keep trudging forever forward with this life that has been granted me.

BTW, did I mention I want a beer? Yes, a nice six pack of a good German beer would sit nice around this time. Maybe some other time…..