Relapse...

I think I am having a relapse with my schizophrenia. I am having a hard time focusing or spending any time with something. I have seen things all day and heard things. I am fighting it. I try so hard.

I have had several non-existent conversations today. I talked to my wife for hours. I thought she was in a porno film and I tried to dissuade her. I know this is not right. I know this is wrong. I love her so much and don’t want her to hate me. I didn’t ask for this. I want to be normal. I always tried so very hard to see about her. I gave her money. I cut the grass. I cooked all the meals. It is not fair.

I called her this evening asking if she was pregnant. I had in my mind that she was pregnant by another guy. She cannot have children. It is crazy. I got it in my mind though and she was dumb struck by my call. She told me she was calling my father and my doctor.

I don’t want them over here. I want to be alone. Only alone am I safe. I do not want to go to the hospital. They can’t help me. They only sedate me. I am crying. I do not want to fuck up all that I have worked for, for months.

I have been obsessed with body language. I have searched for hours on the web to find information. Nothing satisfies me. I think I read body language wrong and that is part of my problem. I do not see it. It miffs me. Maybe if I read the signals right then I can read any situation. I want to be prepared. I am scared.