I have been thinking a lot this morning on this subject. I know I don’t talk about it much. I am afraid of being stigmatized because of it. The hardest thing about mental illness is watching a loved one suffer. I know when my mother’s schizophrenia first escalated itself my father was at a loss at what to do. They tried countless doctors and numerous medications but nothing helped. It’s a helpless feeling as you watch someone you love spiral out of control. It is also hard to argue with someone who has no control over reality. It is truly insanity in its most aggravating form for a loved one.
I will now try to describe how schizophrenia affected me. When I was married I would get on causes and would be delusional. I thought the television was sending me messages and controlling my thoughts. This completely baffled my ex-wife. She just couldn’t understand that I was sick. She would get really defensive about me not watching television as if it were a carnal sin not to do so.
“Everyone watches TV. Watching TV is normal!!!!” She would scream at me.
She just couldn’t understand I was sick. Schizophrenia is no different than any other disease of the body like cancer. The hard part is you cannot do an x-ray or blood test and find it.
I was also completely non-compliant with my medications. I thought they were trying to control my mind and would not take them. It is a vicious cycle but when you are sick you believe such crazy things. My ex-wife or father would hand me my medications to take. I would either put them off to my cheek or would throw them up. My ex-wife says she still finds pills around the house that I hid to keep from taking them.
When I become homeless I was under the delusion that everyone was watching and talking about me. The only place I felt normal and comfortable was alone in the woods with no one else around. I still struggle with this to a degree. My medications help immensely but I still have flashbacks to my old form of thinking. I have to carefully watch myself for this.
From time to time my illness would flare up more than normal. This was where I would have some of the more classical symptoms of schizophrenia. I would have long, drawn out imaginary conversation with myself. I would genuinely believe I had a conversation with another person. I can still recall these conversations vividly as if they really happened. It’s almost haunting when I sit here and think about it. I would also think that famous people were my friends and were going to do things to help me.
Right before I started to take my risperdal injections, I got it into my head that Tom Hanks was going to fly me to Boston to get medical care from his doctor. I would walk over to my parent’s house in dress clothes ready to go at 5 AM in the morning. I would say that his limo is coming to pick me up to take me to the airport. This frightened my parents. I can remember lying in the bed as my mother tried to talk sense into me and calm me down. She would try to get me to go to sleep.
At this time I also thought that Emeril Legasse of TV’s food network fame was coming to fix me breakfast. It seems so laughable now but then I firmly believed it. I really thought he was coming and would clean up the kitchen to prepare and make room in the refrigerator for the food he would bring. These things went away when I started to take my risperdal. I had to get a shot though because of my non-compliance.
Well, I could go on and on but this gives you an idea of what schizophrenia is like and how it effected me. It’s a vicious disease because it is so hard to treat and diagnose. Some people go for years on the streets homeless and delusional because no one can help them or they do not know how. The new medications today are a breakthrough for those of us that suffer and can change lives. I am truly luck that 30 years ago I would have been in real trouble. I will close now. Take care and take your medicine.
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