Pam’s post about shopping with schizophrenia. (Opens in a new window.)
One of the hardest aspects of buying groceries every Tuesday night for me is checkout time. I get so paranoid that everybody is critiquing what I am buying. Thoughts such as…
“Why is he buying a roast when he is on disability? He should be eating ham hocks and chicken livers.”
“I can’t believe this guy eats so unhealthily.”
“10 bottles of soda on disability? You should be drinking water which is cheap. Soda is a luxury.”
“Look mommy! That guy is talking to himself! Is he crazy?”
“Can you believe this guy bought expensive fruit juice on SSDI? He should buy concentrated orange juice!”
Of course, no one in that store knows I am on disability, but it will not escape my mind, such thoughts.
The other day when I was sitting here at home, I kept hearing people walking upstairs and pulling up into my driveway shutting their car doors loudly. It was all a figment of my imagination and diseased brain. That was when I walked down to that bench behind the bank and just sat quietly smoking cigarettes and watching trains until I was disturbed by that vagabond accosting me for a spare cigarette. I wanted to go where I felt safe and it wasn’t my home. I actually felt safer around that grungy looking stranger than in my own locked home. I knew behind the bank nobody could find me and I was truly in solitude I thought until he showed up.
Oh well, I shouldn’t write about this stuff. Now, everybody thinks I am some kind of fucking freak.
15 comments:
Oh, but who cares what people think. I happen to love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are my bestest online friend and I would do anything for you. Forget what people think. I know it's hard. If you would like to know what I think, I think that you are generous, unique, loyal, so-very-handsome, a phenomenal writer, and absolutely wise. I consider those people lucky to even come in contact with you.
Oh Jonathon, please try not to worry about them. They lack a true treasure in their lives by not knowing you.
I totally agree with Abbagirl!
On the contrary it'll be a good thing for us to better realize what you are going through with schizophrenia. And to think that someone dealing with such difficulties has the talent and ability to write so well about his life, that he has such great socializing skills and wide open heart ... no I swear I cannot imagine one single of your friend-reader being uninterested by what you have to share with us.
To me, you are a very delicate, caring, sensitive human being. I wrote a comment to one of your last post which I somehow deleted without even knowing how. I was telling you how impressed I was with the delicacy with which you mention your love for Carolyn and some intimate moments between you two, which even though written about, keep all the intimacy they deserve.
So keep writing please and don't think we'll be judgmental, cause i don't think anybody here will.
Best friendly feelings!
Laurent
Sometimes, I think we all have some of those feelings that you describe. Or I do anyway. And though you aren't feeling particularily humorous today, you made me smile as I just recently told my sister that I thought I was a freak. Fucking freak just drives the point home.
No, none of us think that of you. You're a remarkable human being! You're so talented and warm. I love the person that you are.
You're being hard on yourself and I know it's hard for you to escape those feelings. But ... you are aware of them. Do you know how healthy that is? Totally.
I have a bad habit, looking at what people buy in the grocery store. It's not that I'm being judgmental, I am just curious as to what type of life they lead. I am a people watcher. I want to know about them. Maybe it's the writer in me. Maybe I'm just nosy.
Try not to worry my friend. Go out and enjoy this day!
I'm very much a "let's drag all the shit out and get it on the table" kind of person. It's only once it's there that we can look at it and begin to see how one piece of the puzzle might relate to another piece of the puzzle.
It seems to me that you're surrounded by a number of caring people who can see that you're more than just a label. That said, this kind of stuff is hard; it's frightening; it can make a body feel exposed and vulnerable. There tends to be a lot of "putting oneself out there" and then "dragging oneself back" according to one's own comfort levels. It's a process but you get to choose where, when and how to share.
It was all a figment of my imagination and diseased brain.
The idea that the brains of schizophrenics are diseased or flawed in some manner belongs to the neurological model of schizophrenia. I'm pondered on that one. I don't doubt that neurology plays a role in the schizophrenic experience -- after all, you're having a neurological response merely by reading my words so why wouldn't you have a neurological response to a "schizophrenic" experience? Then again, I'm not real fond of the idea of telling people that they have diseased brains. Maybe in a way it's good because it relieves them of a certain burden -- a "schizophrenic" can no more be blamed for their experience than a "diabetic" can be blamed for theirs. At the same time, it reduces one's life to a neurochemical exchange. Love is not love; pain is not pain; joy is not joy; despair is not despair -- they're simply different variations of a complex neurochemical cocktail. In the process, the human aspect is stripped from the equation and "doctoring" the "schizophrenic" then becomes a process of "doctoring" the prescription.
See, look how many people have your back. We love you!!!!!!
thanks for writing such an honest post. it helps me understand my brother with schizophrenia better.
I think the fact that you have experiences like you did in the grocery store are a by-product of of being a human being, not because you're a freak. Most of us have those kinds of feelings sometimes. I do. I frequently make my husband pay at the check out counter while I go and look at videos, because I'm convinced that the person behind me in line is thinking, "jeez that woman is lazy - all she's buying is frozen food!" Or the checker is thinking, "my god, there isn't a vegetable IN that lot, it's all junk food!"
Your brain isn't diseased, it just doesn't handle everyday life the same way that most people's does. That doesn't make you a freak, it just makes you different.
Your writing isn't boring, and in writing about your experiences you may be helping someone else who has schizophrenia.
Take it easy on yourself. :)
Summer: I have a bad habit, looking at what people buy in the grocery store. It's not that I'm being judgmental, I am just curious as to what type of life they lead. I am a people watcher. I want to know about them. Maybe it's the writer in me. Maybe I'm just nosy.
Funny. I do this too. And I sometimes feel "guilty" about what's in my own grocery basket. My worst sin is frozen dinners -- it's lazy of me, I know, but it's easy. Still, it's interesting to realize that the experience of "feeling watched and judged" (including the self-judging we do of ourselves) can be a universal trait; it's not unique to those who are "schizophrenic".
"jeez that woman is lazy - all she's buying is frozen food!"
lol.
Jonathon, people always have something to say.
I have found that people that have something derogatory to say about people they don't even know, are the ones that are the hiding the biggest secrets and trying to make themselves feel better about who they are.
They are also the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives than to worry about everyone else's.
Take it all with a grain of salt, Jonathon. Those of us who see your 'flaws' also see how wonderful of a person you are...and we love you because they make you...you!
First off, I think the world of you to have the courage to write your daily thoughts and what you are going through with your daily struggles with schizophrenia. It makes us your friends and readers much more aware of the disease and how it directly affects you and others. There is no shame in having an illness... NONE.
And secondly you are not a fucking freak.. you are you, a wonderful person that have helped so many people through your blog to be less judgemental of people with a mental illness... as I would tell my fellow friends.. YOU ROCK!!!
Andrew,
It's been a while since I could sit down and catch up with your blog once again. Life has been a whirlwind, which I will email you about when I have some more time to sit and do so.
But I had to take a moment to comment here. I don't have anything original to say, because others have written my thoughts already. But I can add that I have similiar experiences in stores. Especially grocery stores.
I think people are judging me for using coupons and needing to save money.
I too buy frozen dinners because making meals for one person is so wasteful. I don't each much in one sitting and can only eat but so much leftovers.
I think people judge me for using the WIC program that my daughter is enrolled in. You'd be surprised of the income eligibility level. Most people can get it. (It's a program to ensure healthy foods and drinks are given to children until age 5. It also covers formula until age 1)
I think people are looking at the food for my little girl and judging it's value health wise. Which it is very healthy by the way haha.
The soda is big for me too, because I live on it.
Anywhere I go I think they're looking at my clothes and overall appearance. Looking at my hair and thinking I'm lazy for having it just up in a ponytail.
Looking at how clean my shoes are
I could go on and on.
So my point is, I totally agree with the others who commented. A lot of people go through some type of anxiety, it's just different because we are all different. My anieties stemmed from my low self esteem, non-existent really. I always thought people were judging my looks the same way I was and didn't like what they saw.
It's been said by others and myself. What you share about your illness, helps educate others. It brings the MUCH NEEDED awareness to the world. It even comforts others who are going through something similiar. I hope you know that somewhere inside. Try to remember it when you would like to write about something illness related.
I'll email you soon my friend.
Liz
P.S. Ignore any typos and errors, it's 2am! haha
You are so NOT NOT NOT some kind of fucking freak!
I'm honored that you would give us a little peak into your life.
We must stand together against those who think that makes you a freak.
peace and comfort, friend.
Andrew.
Peace.
It took great courage to be vulnerable. And what happened? You have a kazillion hugs from strangers.
That is Beauty.
That is Love.
That is the Web of Life, which is there for all of us.
When our hearts reach out to others, it flows out in ever-increasing waves of love and acceptance.
These words I write would not have made sense to me 5 years ago. I thought I was bipolar. I have schizophrenia in my family, and I was scared I would go in that direction. I was stuck in 'emotional boxes' created by myself and from letting other people create them for me.
I have just found this blog, so do not know what you have been doing to treat the condition that they have said you have. So I may be out of line to suggest that you read all you can, not about schizophrenia, but about how childhood experiences shape the future adult.
Two books by Dr. Susan Forward are excellent. ('Toxic Parents' ... I gave this to my kids after I read it ...& "Emotional Blackmail") Then there is "Why is it Always about You" by Sandy Hotchkiss, and "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.
After reading these books, I realized that I could change many of my emotional problems just by letting go of them and training myself to think in new ways; and that we all have differing amounts of the same characteristics.
The bipolar traits I thought I had were from being overwhelmed with sensory input and needing quiet for balance. I was also asking too much of myself, and when I couldn't keep up with my own program, I crashed.
The things that create fear in my sister (who is diagnosed with schizophrenia) are also in me ... but in a smaller quantity. (My son also has the same designation, as did my grandfather.)
You are highly intelligent and articulate. Keep on with the program your doctors have prescribed, but try to add just a few things.
Stop labeling yourself at all, even with the "s" word. You have been put into a "box" with that label. Soften the edges a bit by saying it is a designation given to you for convenience in prescriptions, or whatever, but try to get away from saying you "are" that or "have" that.
As you can see from the other posts, many people think some of the same things that you think, have some of the same fears and self doubts. Calling them a part of ths "s" condition only adds to the condition! Call yourself "thoughtful" or "sensitive", then put the bothersome thoughts in proper perspective.
Remember YOU are creating these thoughts that disturb you, ...then think of something else instead! ... a favorite garden, or hiking path, or music. Train yourself to do something different, something positive. Include in that training the mantra that it does not matter what other people think. Remind yourself that you are a good person and that you love and respect yourself.
Slowly you will gain small steps of control and gradually replace the disturbing thoughts with positive ones.
My spirit prompted me to write this. I am an artist, not a doctor. I believe such small steps in taking personal control of one's health and life work in conjunction with the medical profession.
Sir!
You do what you want. And you write what you want. And ptoee pshaw to the rest.
Post a Comment