I-pods and Underwear...

"I am feeling panicky," mom told me this morning.  "I am supposed to go get your Christmas presents today, but don't think I can make it.  Your father told me to go."

"Don't worry about it," I replied. "We'll go together some other day."

I had asked dad for an Apple I-pod classic and a new harness and leash for Maggie for Christmas.  This was going to help keep me walking by having music on-the-go and I felt uncomfortable with Maggie wearing just her collar on the busy highway we walk next to.  The harness was supposed to be escape proof.  Maggie has been known to wiggle out of her collar and it is a frantic and frightening affair with heavy traffic just mere feet away.

"Come by the house and get $400," mom then said. "I have it in my closet."

My jaw dropped to the floor.  I never get to shop other than groceries and haven't in years.  I got so excited!  I was going shopping even if it was only Wal-Mart.  I still can't believe mom trusted me with such a large amount of money.  Dad would skin her hide if he knew.   He would be thinking about me having beer parties and lots of drugs!

Well, I bought my I-pod classic for $245.99 and then bought Maggie the cutest little harness that was fuscia with pink polka dots.   I also bought Maggie a new coordinating leash.  She is going to look so festive and cute!   I used the rest of the money to buy a few groceries that I normally can't afford and several packs of tighter fitting underwear.  I've lost so much weight that my current underwear is too large and my dangly bits hang out very uncomfortably.  I know. I know.  Too much information.  All-in-all it was a grand afternoon and I had so much fun spending lots of money.  

Mom called me when I got home.

"Bring me the change and the I-pod," she said.  "You can't have your big Christmas present until Christmas.  I want to wrap it and put it under the tree."

I laughed and drove right over to hand over the spoils.  Did I tell you I am grilling ribeyes for supper tonight?  I even splurged and got Maggie one as well.  We are going to eat like Kings and Queens tonight!  Now it's time to go get my Christmas tree dad supervised. Dad has gone to get his and Charlie's truck.  Boy, what a busy and eventful day!!!

Temptations I do not Need...

My only side effect from my medications and the schizophrenia these days is constant drooling like a baby.  I will be sitting at the computer and drool will just pour out of the corner of my  mouth and down my shirt.  I will quickly grab a tissue and wipe my face.  It can be very disconcerting and aggravating.   It is the lessor of other evils as far as my schizophrenia goes, though.

George stopped by yesterday for the first time in weeks.  He doesn't come by anymore cause I won't let him drink inside.  He asked me yesterday why I was so militant about it.  He loved to sit in my Lazy Boy and drink while watching TV until he was well oiled.

"I don't need the temptation," I told him yesterday.  "I would love nothing more than to just get fucked up with you.  Just yesterday I had ten dollars and it was all I could muster to not drive down to Fat Albert's and get a twelve pack."

"I want the old times back," George replied. "Those days where me and you would just sit and drink for hours and shoot the shit."

"That's what scares me," I said. "I do too!"

I told Charlie the other day that I needed new pillows for my bedroom and computer room.  He came last night bearing these memory foam monstrosities.  

"They were the best money can buy," he told me. "They're memory foam."

Last night, it was like sleeping on the great Giza Plateau Pyramid.  They were so poofy.  I found myself gravitating back to my old flat pillows late in the wee hours of the morning.  I didn't like sleeping on Mount Hood. 

Filed Under: Don't Do That to Your Kid!

I burst out laughing when I saw #4 The Chia Hat!  Thanks Dooce for the laugh!

The Calm Before the Storm?

Y'all, I am feeling so well this week.  It reminds me of the post from yesterday that I titled "Hills and Valleys."  Mental illness is so up and down.   I'm walking with regularity. I'm taking my medications religiously.  I've gotten the bulimia under control.  I am so excited with what each new day may bring. 

Last night, mom called me. "I just want to talk," she said.

"You sound shaky," I told her.

"To be honest, I'm having a panic attack," she replied.

"I'm coming over asap!"

Mom and I talked for an hour as she lay in the bed until she got to feeling better. I sat in what I call the psychiatrist's chair next to the big flat screen television.  

"It's not fair," she told me. "This curse you and I bear."

A tear erupted from my eye.

"Are you crying?"  mom asked, worried.

"I just want peace for me and you," I solemnly replied as I wiped the tear from my eye.

I gave mom a hug, petted her cat Muffin, and left.

In brighter news, I get my Christmas tree tomorrow!  I can't wait to get it in the den and put on the string of lights.  I don't have many ornaments, though.  I have a few boxes of glass balls and some brass bells.  It still looks pretty, though.  I will get up some pictures when I get it decorated.  

The Ballad of Magdalene...

I will never forget sitting at my computer at my old house.  There was a knock on the door and dad was standing there at the glass with a puppy in his palm.

"She was left for dead," he told me. "She was thrown in a trash dumpster out at the rest area on the interstate.  I found her on my walk.  She was whimpering."

"Is she mine?" I asked excited.

Dad looked real serious.

"I'm entrusting you with another life.  If you treat her well, she will be your best friend for years."

Those were his exact words.  And so Maggie came to live with me and be my little sweetheart.  Or big sweetheart according to whom you ask.  She's getting a little swagger in the rump and the dog door is looking awfully small these days.

On a side note, when Maggie was found, she was just eaten up with fleas.  Dr. Thomas said he had never seen a dog with so many.  She was anemic and it took four visits to the veterinarian to get all the fleas off.  Can you imagine how miserable she must have been?  It was sad, but we emerged victorious. 

Just so you know...

I am trying really hard to give back to my commenters by commenting back.  Be advised that if I go through a rough patch with my schizophrenia, there will be a short interruption.  Thank you all for commenting.  You mean the world to me!  I have been so remiss in not doing this sooner!

Hills and Valleys...

I've felt so much better schizophrenia-wise lately.  This morning my head is so clear and keenly aware.  You don't know how lucky you are to have a well mind.  I feel so well that I am excited about the day to come.   Many days I can dread what may come mental health wise. 

Early this morning around five AM I went to get my Diet Cokes.  Mom leaves them on the back porch on days I feel I can drive.  I was so excited to get home and drink them!  The only mar was the one that was fizzed out.  That means I will get an extra one tomorrow!  Oh, the little joys in life.

Charlie came yesterday.  He is the only person that Maggie will lick on the face.  Maggie has boundaries you know, but not with Charlie.

"Were gonna let you have puppies and I want two or three!" Charlie told Maggie in baby talk.

Maggie squirmed and wiggled, and looked completely at bliss.  I didn't have the heart to tell Charlie Maggie was "fixed" at an early age.  

My walking campaign continues.  I told dad last night that I think the exercise is helping with my moods - making me more positive.  "You need something positive to look forward to and the exercise will do you good," he told me.  "Besides, it's good for Maggie, too!"

I get my Christmas tree this week.  I noticed my chicken bearing neighbors already have their's up and lit.  I am feeling left out.  Sniff, sniff!

March 1st Snow Reprise...

Let the Children Play!

I turned on anonymous commenting.  Let's hope I have thicker skin this go around and tolerate the anonymous jibes and criticism better!  I do so in the hopes that my old college friend Laura may be able to join in as well.

Little Paws of Doom...

Imagine my horror when I walked into the bedroom late yesterday afternoon to find muddy footprints all over the sheets and comforter of the bed I sleep in.  "Damn-it to Hell, Maggie!" I mumbled accusingly.  Nothing a few cycles in the washing machine and dryer couldn't fix, though.  I wish she would realize she is doing this.  She is completely oblivious.  She looked at me while I started changing them like, "boy, these sheets sure are comfy now," as she lay on them.  I smiled as she wagged her tail.  You can't stay mad at that.

I didn't feel like going to Mrs. Florene's to eat breakfast and have communion this morning.  George called me back after I left a message on his cell phone and then Mrs. Florene got on the phone trying to persuade me to come.

"Baby, it won't be the same without you. I'm cooking your favorite Clarke Brother's sausage. I'll cook your favorite cheese eggs, too!" she pleaded over the phone.

"Mrs. Florene, my head is feeling abuzz.  I don't think I can drive," I told her.

I feigned mental illness, which was partly true, and settled in for a quiet, meditative, and relaxing morning of discovering new music.  I've been so into music lately and hope to get an Apple I-pod for Christmas to take on my walks.  The new ones are 160 gigabytes so I can literally bring my whole music collection with me on Maggie's and my jaunts.

Dad had his big Christmas party shindig for the pharmacy last night in Atlanta.  Mom and dad both came over afterwards to give me my mental health medications.  It was late and I had been groggily asleep.  Maggie was being stubborn when dad told her to get off the couch.  She was enamored with mom who was sitting next to me.

"Let's just say it's Maggie's birthday tonight!" I quipped with a big toothy grin on my face as I laughed.  I was punch and Risperdal drunk.

Mom burst out laughing and rubbed Maggie's belly. "It's your birthday, girl!" mom kept saying in baby talk.  Dad scowled and looked on menacingly.    Hell, I let her do what she wants to most days anyway. 

I have a date at two 'o' clock.  Well, mom is bringing my daily six Diet Cokes at that time.  I am so excited and giddy.  I can't wait.  It's Christmas come to town!  Don't ye olde soul need a life? (Laugh with me and not at me!)

Something's Missing. Something's Interesting...

I've been reading over some of my old posts - posts with Carolyn and Rosa.  Maybe I write better with a woman in my life, but something seems missing on the blog these days.  I mainly only write about food and family.  I miss my life being so vibrant and alive.  And my writing is horrible and hurried these days including this post.  I thought the old saying was that you get better with practice?  Certainly not regarding me and my writing.

I wish you all could have seen Maggie strut her stuff on our walk this morning.  She is truly in her element on these walks.  She will also continually look over her shoulder to see if I'm still there.  "I'm not going to leave you," I will constantly tell her.

They are tearing down the grand old cotton mill for scrap.  It saddens me and fills me with melancholy.  It's been there for 150 years and been such an icon of our little town.  I feel as if we are being raped and pillaged by carpetbaggers.  The company still exists.  Just overseas.  That saddens me as well as American workers weren't "cheap" enough.  Lives were uprooted and destroyed when they shipped everything over the pond so to speak.

In other news, my neighbors have chickens.  I've been hearing a rooster crow all during the day lately as I sit in then den.  Well, yesterday, my neighbor asked me to jump off his car and I saw the rooster with a brood of hens in a big pen in the backyard.  This is highly illegal within the city limits.  I admire his pioneering spirit and panache, and total disregard for that silly law.

Go! Helen, Go!

 

Helen Cooks Tomorrow!

Meat Loaf!1!! For da Win!

Yummy! Cheesy Chicken and Rice...

A Cold Alabama Sunset...

Whole Body Massage...

"I have to go see Connie, today," mom told me over the phone this morning. "I always worry about the small talk."

I chuckled. "Me and you are just alike," I told her emphatically.

"Hey?" I said excitedly.

"What?"

"I'll drive you and we'll get us a bag of Fritos and a Diet Coke afterwards!"

"That sounds wonderful!" mom replied and told me she would pick me up at 2.

Mom went on and on about Connie and what she has done for her over the years.

"She got me out of pain.  I couldn't walk."

Dad says Connie is just a glorified body massage and an expensive one at that.  Technically, she is called soft tissue therapy.  This drives momma nuts.

"I hate it when your father say's that!"

Mom went on and on about what me going with her meant to her when we got back to my house.

"I get lonely over in that big house of ours all day!"

It warmed me heart and did it good.  I love you, mom!

In the Morning Sun...

Smell-O-Vision...

I will often be sitting in the den smoking a cigarette, and watching the weather channel.  Maggie will come ambling through (checking on me, no doubt).  She will just randomly stop and sniff some random point on the floor.  I don't understand this little vignette of a dog's life.  She will take great satisfaction out of it, too.  The floor will look clean.

The Insurmountable Bundle of Joy...

Maggie never ceases to surprise me.  She has taken to our four mile a day walk instead of two with aplomb. I am trying more traditional weight loss methods instead of bulimia. This morning she grossed me out, though.  There was a dead squirrel as flat as a Necco wafer in the road.  She was determined to take it home.  "But it's delicious!" you could almost see in those doe like brown eyes.  I managed to wrestle it away without smelling of putrid squirrel.

Later this morning was mom's doctor's appointment.  Her psychiatrist.  I had offered to drive, but was secretly nervous about it.  Could I go without one of my attacks?  Well, I did fine, and it was good spending time with mom.  She never ceases to amaze me with how well she does to manage her schizophrenia.  A good role model.  I want to emulate her.  

The Magic of a Mrs. Florene Biscuit...

First, you take her magical wooden bowl.  Magic! I tell ya! Flour is sifted and into the bowl it goes.  Next comes the secret ingredient: LARD!  You can only still find it in big red vats at the Piggly Wiggly.  Into this goes full fat buttermilk.  "It has to be full fat," she's said many times. This mixture is gingerly mixed.  "Too much and they will be tough!"  The biscuits are rolled out on wax paper and then gingerly cut - gingerly cut by a tomato paste can with the ends cut off. This makes the perfect bite-size.  All this goes into a 500 degree oven with loving hands - probably the most secret ingredient of all.  The magical biscuits can then be eaten with cheese, preserves, jam, etc.

Well, the old man was right...

Maggie has really appreciated having a fresh, clean bowl of water everyday.  Often you will hear her tank up during the day.  She is drinking so much more water now.

A Walk with Me!

Ode to my Stereo...

Ever since I hooked my computer up to my home stereo, it has opened up a world of music to me.  I have over 40 Gigs of mp3s that I now listen to.  And it all sounds so good!

New Side Effect - Constant Drooling...

I'm drooling constantly and it is driving me crazy!!! I am carrying about pieces of toilet paper to catch all the sputum. I've looked online and it is a "common" side effect of psychiatric medications. 

Cold Motoring...

I ran out to the car to crank it to go get my Diet Cokes. "Christ!" I muttered in blasphemy.  Into the car and it cranked. Heater on full blast I ran back inside.

"You're putting my cokes on the back porch?" I asked mom over the phone.

"They will be out there," she said in response.

See what well orchestrated event we have here?

Well, I flew over to mom and dad's.  The heater was just getting good and warm as I arrived.  I ran up the steps, grabbed my cokes, and flew back down to my warm car.  Home found me shivering in my chilly home as I sipped on my ice cold Diet Cokes. Addict anyone?

Company Came...

I was under the basement checking my pipes.  It's supposed to get down to 25 degrees tonight and I didn't want burst pipes. Soon, I heard George hollering my name and I stepped outside. 

"Mommas here," George said, grinning. "She's brought pimento cheese and a loaf of homemade bread.  We're eating supper with you."

Well, what a welcome surprise and I was just overjoyed.  We ate, watched football, and just generally hem hawed.  I was sad to see them go.  I get so lonely and they are like my adopted black family.   I sulked for about an hour that they didn't stay longer, but Mrs. Florene needed to be home before dark.

A Breakfast Call...

No snow this morning much to my disappointment.  The first thing I did when waking was look outside. Bummer!

This morning Mrs. Florene called me. "Pancakes!" she said laughing on the other end.  "I'll be right over!" I replied excitedly.  Breakfast was wonderful and we also had her biscuits with strawberry preserves.

I'm feeling much more myself today. And to close I want to tell Sharyna that I'm here for her, too! And I love you too!

8:00 PM Snow Update...

All the local weather outlets are pessimistic for us getting snow now.  I hold out hopes in that the temperature has steadily fallen to 36 degrees.  Still keeping hope alive in the little Alcove call Lanett in East Central Bama.  Thanks Jessica for remembering my snow fetish!

Collision Course to Calamity...

Last night was hard.  I felt like I was moving, but I had no control.  I pleaded with mom to come over.  She begrudgingly soon arrived.

"What's wrong with you?" she kept asking.

"I have no control!" I pleaded.

Mom and I finally got in the bed and I calmed down.  I think it was mom's snoring that was so soothing.  I love my mother so much.  She's been through many tough times with me.

I am still shaky today. It's a little hard to type. But I feel better, and that is a very welcome thing.

I am not feeling well at all, folks.  Ye olde mental illness bug has bitten me badly.  I might be quiet for a few days.  Right now, it is hard to type.  I feel confused.  And other assorted symptoms. 

NWS Weather Bulletin...

A STORM SYSTEM IS EXPECTED TO DEVELOP OVER THE NORTHERN GULF OF MEXICO LATE FRIDAY THAT WILL LIKELY BRING MEASURABLE SNOW TO PORTIONS OF CENTRAL ALABAMA BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND NOON ON SATURDAY. AT THIS TIME...AMOUNTS OF UP TO ONE INCH ARE EXPECTED ALONG AND SOUTH OF INTERSTATE 20...59 AND NORTH OF INTERSTATE 85...WITH POSSIBLE HIGHER TOTALS IN ELEVATED AREAS IN EAST CENTRAL ALABAMA. AREAS NORTH OF INTERSTATE 20...59 ARE EXPECTED TO RECEIVE AROUND ONE HALF INCH. ALTHOUGH SOME LIGHT ACCUMULATIONS ARE EXPECTED...WIDESPREAD HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS ARE NOT LIKELY WITH THIS EVENT DUE TO THE WARM SOIL TEMPERATURES THAT WILL REMAIN WELL ABOVE FREEZING. STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER FORECAST UPDATES.

Snow in Bama?

I've been pretty down the past few days.  Last night, I was watching TV when someone blurbed something about snow in the South on The Weather Channel.  Well, let me tell you, this perked me right up.  I was excited as a kid on Christmas day.   So now, I am playing the waiting game - watching as the weather data percolates in through the regular filters.  It is looking very interesting for us if we can just get the cold air in place before the rain starts.

Like a Flash...

Charlie's come and gone.  Maggie fawns over him.  Dad and Charlie are undertaking the task of keeping my house cleaner.  I am to give Maggie fresh water everyday supervised by dad. I didn't think it was dirty as it was.  It is all rather humiliating to be honest. Charlie was washing my shower curtain and underwear.

Physician Assisted Suicide...

I've been thinking about the above topic lately. A way to end your life that instills dignity and is pain free.  I would jump on it in a heartbeat. I believe you just cease to exist.  I am so weary lately. Weary of my overbearing family and weary of mental illness. Dr. Kevorkian, where are you when I need you?

Mississippi, Where Salvation Lies...

I ate breakfast with George and Mrs. Florene this morning.  At one point, Mrs. Florene pulled me to the side. 

"Have you found a treatment center?" she asked.

"I found one in Mississippi that was free, but you have to work in their thrift store."

"What's the problem?" she then asked me.

"It is faith based," I replied. "You and I both know George's opinion on religion. I don't think George would go and it is a nine month program."

Mrs. Florene looked so despondent.  I assured her we will eventually find something.

Comfort is the Back of a Couch...