“I love you,” She said. “I really love you.”
I could smell the alcohol on her breath. I am not used to such blatant flagrations of one’s love for me.
“Sweetheart, come on inside and go to sleep,” I replied.
We walked into my bedroom upon where Rosa hugged me deeply.
“I need more beer,” She said. “Will you go get me some more?”
I sighed. I am experiencing some weird kind of hell after being an alcoholic for years. I drove Rachel crazy with my drinking.
“Sweetheart, you don’t need anymore,” I replied.
“I really, really need another beer,” Rosa replied emphatically.
I got in my car and drove over to the convenience store. I bought us both a 24 pack of Budweiser using my debit card. I then drove home in a flush of traffic as people went about their day.
“You are the best thing a woman could ever want,” Rosa said as I walked inside my apartment with that 24 pack of Budweiser.
“I understand,” I said solemnly as me and Rosa cracked open a beer.
Rosa then went about changing her clothes and undressing fully. I can’t say it was the most beautiful sight in the world. She has lived a hard life. She crawled into my bed to go to sleep.
“I love you,” She said once again as I sat at my kitchen table drinking a Budweiser.
“I love you too, sweetheart. You go to sleep,” I replied as I sat there getting drunk.
What tangled webs we weave, I thought as I sat there drinking that Budweiser. Rosa just needed someone and she picked a poor choice in me. What am I doing? I am drinking the beer I bought for her. We drunks live convoluted lives.
24 comments:
YOU HAD A DRINK! Crap! I don't know what the proper reaction is to this so forgive me but that is not good Andrew!
Please tell me you are ok and you didn't have any more... just that one? PLEASE!!!
Andrew: Readign this post made me very sad because I know how much of a struggle it is for you to stay sober. I hope you find your way back on the path of sobriety. I know quitting smoking is no comparison, but I found it easier to quit when I distanced my self from the situations that made me want to smoke. I hope you are well this morning and I wish you the best in your continued efforts on sobriety.
I won't jump on the DAMN YOU ANDREW band wagon....Just start a new day and know that each day we all get a fresh start......I need one myself.
Rosa sounds like quite the work of art...LOL. You are a good man for taking care of her. You are so generous and I am sure that is why you have as many friends as you do...as for Carolyn...that girl...I just don't know.
Have a great day!
Lisa
Sir:
Truthfully, do not berate or denegrate yourself. It does not matter if you choose to be an abstainer or if you choose to drink. Either option is viable and workable and appropriate as long as it is YOUR choice.
For today, as you have started drinking and have chosen to do so, you now have a very important goal:
Drink wisely and responsibly. Of course, get some of the joy of intoxication you like so much, but at the same time give yourself a workable limit and commit to that quantity. If you choose this type of response to your renewed drinking, you can WIN. Tommorrow and/or tonight you will again be sober, and you can sit back and say:
"I am damn proud of myself for drinking only the quantity I set for to drink. The amount I chose was reasonable and appropriate for me, and I don't have a damn thing to be upset about."
That is a goal you CAN have, sir. You do not have to let this foray back into drinking ruin anything for you. AND, if you chose to, you DO NOT have to berate yourself and be angry at yourself.... not if you set a reasonable goal and stick with it for yourself.
So, please try this idea... you are already drinking, so what can it hurt to try my idea? It could make things much better.
PipeTobacco
I'm pulling for you Andrew. Just want you to know I'm thinking about you. *hugs*
Please Andrew. Usually I do not berate other commenters, but the road Pipe Tobacco has paved for you is a slippery slope, and I'm sure you are well aware of that.
You made an error in judgement by drinking. It happens. It doesn't have to KEEP happening.
You are not anyone's POOR choice... you've shown wisdom, courage, and intelligence, all characteristics that make you lovable. Your failings make you human. And trying to overcome your failings makes you a superior person.
Don't loose sight of the good that you are or the good that you have in your life. Above all, protect and guard those things from the things that interfere with your life, whether they be your illness, alcohol, or whatever.
Today is a new day.
I would disagree with Dorid. I believe that Andrew may end up drinking to great excess IF he adopts an attitude "that he has done something wrong", "that he failed", "that he ruined his track record". I think all those notions are ones that he may feel as he is an "all-or-nothing" sort. I am trying to simply have Andrew see that he can (now that he started drinking today) choose the MIDDLE ground and feel good about that choice. He need not make it a negative.
PipeTobacco
Andrew - what are you doing?
Just a few days ago you were talking about your Dad and a financial deal that required you to take your medicine and stay sober.
Can you get to a meeting?
Thinking of you Andrew. Be strong.
Hi Andrew: Whatever "tangled webs we weave," we do no weave them without also leaving an indication of a way to get out of the tangle...
I think it was in the form of a white button or coin mentioned in your previous entry. The coin is non-judgemental. The coin is just there waiting to be picked up. That would be a different kind of "picking up" wouldn't it.
Be well, and please keep writing.
Tim
Hi Andrew!
First may I say that I so enjoy reading your posts. They are incredibly well written and it shows everyone how intelligent you are. I have remained silent thus far inr eading them. However, I had to post a commenet when I read Pipe Tobacco's comment. I know it must be difficult for you and I truly empathize. I can't imagine living the life you do, but I know a little more about your affliction with mental illness then I did prior to stumbling across your blog. It's not mine, or anyone's place to judge..but I have a hard time understanding why someone would tell you that it's ok for you to drink knowing you are an alcholic. I'm not saying you need to beat yourself up about slipping...but you owe it to yourself to pick yourself back up and brush yourself off and start anew. Clean and sober. I wish you all the very best. I will continue to read and am always pulling for you.
Take care of yourself.
A new friend in Ontario, Canada
Sylvie
((((((((((((Andrew)))))))))))
It will be ok. It really will.
It will be ok.
You shouldn't feel the need to struggle alone, but I don't think Rosa is the best person for you to be around right now.
What happened to the nice lady you met at one of the A.A. meetings and had lunch with? You don't have to stuggle alone, it would be nice if you could connect with someone there that is also struggling with Alcoholism, even if they don't understand the Mental Illness aspect that you are faced with.
No one said breaking an addicition was easy, just don't go all "Britney Spears" and shave your head or somethin' ok.
*Hugs*
-P
Andrew.
I dont quite know what to say.
I will send you a cyber hug instead.
before u get to the point of drinking too much or taking too many pills, remember the inpatient psychiatric hospital stay from not long ago! u don't want to go back there.
dude, you have a good life and people who love you! your blog makes a huge difference to so many people!
hang in there!
Three cheers for ole Rosie!
Blessings Andrew and take good care.
Best,
Gail
Hey Andrew...Just wanted to add my voice to those of your other friends. No advice here. Just letting you know I care.
Watch carefully the road you are walking and know that you are never alone. I have a feeling that for every one of us who posts to you, there are twenty who read, and care, but stay silent. Whatever you need to do to stay happy... whatever you need to do to stay healthy... is worth it.
Please surround yourself with people who will help you and not tempt you right now. Rosa wanted a drink, but not a whole case. When you are silent for a day or two it scares me. It usually means some kind of turmoil is happening. Maybe you should go back to your walking to keep focused on something else and I don't see anymore of your wonderful photos.
I understand what you're experiencing. Don't beat yourself up. Start over again and be happy that you have the strength to do so.
I've noticed that some readers are more forgiving of your drinking than of your propensity for Carolyn. Very interesting for sure.
Whatever you decide to do for yourself, make sure it's for your own reasons and no one elses.
Sweet dreams Sweet Pea.
Hi Andrew,you've never heard from me before as I am new to this site. It has occurred to me that a couple of other commenters have offered reasonable advice.
Pipe tobacco's idea of setting a limit was not so bad.
That was the principle I used when I was quitting smoking, it took a while but I stayed on target and after a long story, I no longer smoke.
The whole point here Andrew is you set the rules and you work what ever works for you.
It really is just a matter of choices, every day can bring different choices so I ask you.
What is your choice today? One of them is certainly not to turn that clock too far back. Good Luck.
1. You know what you are doing. What you are doing, Andrew, is breaking your promise to yourself.
2.Rosie is NICE, but that's it. You dont need this "anything better than nothing"
Well, looks like much has happened in the four days I have been gone. I have no comment to what happened. I am sad that I missed some of your posts. The deleted posts are some of your best writings.
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