I long ago quit writing negatively about my and my father's relationship because it seems like whining and it takes over my blog. I realize this stuff seems almost incredulous for my readers and many will quit reading and commenting. I made the mistake of doing this whining recently thus starting the volley of posts you got the past few days. I get comments like "he is your savior" and "without him you would be in the mental hospital, jail, or worse." Those statements could be true, but I doubt it. Long ago, my father was appointed the "representative payee" for my disability money because it was deemed by my doctors and family that I was so mentally disabled that I couldn't handle my finances. Lately, my father saw signs that I had been dabbling in drink and tightly closed the purse strings under the guise that I was spending too much so I must be drinking again. It has happened before so it is not surprising to me. Under his new regimen, I am only allowed $85 dollars a week and he must supervise these purchases to make sure I am not spending the money on beer. I personally feel I earned the money and should spend it like I deem fit -- the money being based on the amount of taxes I paid in over the years when I worked which is about a $1000 dollars a month. Also under this regime, I am not allowed any spending money or money for my pocket. So I revolt and it causes a rift and shit storm within the family. I am to go tonight to buy groceries, cigarettes, and gasoline for my car with my father supervising and writing the check. My father will tell me constantly how lucky I am to have him and how fortunate I am that he can work me into his busy schedule. It is quite frankly, humiliating.
I have actually had a decent day other than another terrible panic attack. I almost called 911, but tried some breathing exercises someone had posted in my comments. I got to feeling better within 15 minutes of breathing slowly and deeply. See how this all correlates? I cannot take too much social strife and struggle within my life. I realize a lot of you are reading in between the lines so hopefully, this will clear some things up. I promise the writing about it stops after this post and we will get back to more normal postings -- the posts I like to write about like walking to the park and my interactions with the gang. Sorry for the interruption.
22 comments:
Lately, my father saw signs that I had been dabbling in drink and tightly closed the purse strings under the guise that I was spending too much so I must be drinking again.
But haven't you been drinking sometimes? I have seen posts where you have neen drinking with clara & that other guy at his campsite. Look, i'm not bagging on your decisions, with all of that comes consequences. Does it suck having your father control everything? Yeah, probally. But you should feel lucky that you have that. So many live in group homes, or are even homeless, or go undiagnosed for years & years. Not everyone gets a house bought for them & bills taken care of. I don't want to come off rude, I have been reading for a while & will continue to read. I just want to to be more thankful for what you have.
Don't ever apologize for self-expression, Andrew. As you see, you aren't losing any of us...
Anonymous,
I can understand your concerns, but isn't a man's self esteem integral to his well being? I had more self esteem when I was homeless. And what good are a home and car when you feel like dirt all the time -- the lowest of the low? I appreciate being giving a home, a car, and having my bills paid. I've seen "The Homeless Guy" get homes and give them up because he was lonely and felt disconnected from the world. That's how I feel here at home without any money. I would rather have a life, homeless or not, than sit in this little house in a small little town in eastern Alabama with nothing to do because I can't pay for it and almost everything that's fun costs money. I can't go out to eat. Hell, a grown man should be able to buy a beer regardless of the label that has been affixed to him.
Sir:
I my comment was responsible for the "no more father posts" thread, I apologize.
I was simply suggesting that having a neutral third party be you "representative payee" would allow you:
1. The monetary reliability and predictability you seek.
2. End the ever changing rules for disbursement of your SSDI that seem to occur from your father.
and
3. Perhaps most importantly... by severing that monetary link to your relationship with your father... I suspect you will be able to build an even stronger and more loving relationship with your father.
As it stands right now, he is akin to your "boss" in terms of regulating your pay. That is not in my opinion the most healthy sort of relationship for a father and son to have. I believe you love him, and I also believe he loves you... but I think the money issue actually forms a barrier between the two of you that hinders your efforts to have an even deeper, more wonderful relationship.
PipeTobacco
I definitely agree with Pipe Tobacco about your father. He is too close to the situation and almost seems to use your money to "punish you". It only adds more strife and doesn't all any room for healing and growth.
What you have or own is not what you are!
I know that it's hard to get by without any money, I lost that when I got divorced. But now I'm free and enjoy life.
Do the things you like that don't involve spending money. It's as hard as anything you should NOT do, like smoke, drink or eat too much. Because if you think about not doing something, your brain automatically thinks about doing it and skipping the not.
The best things in life are free anyway: nature, love, friends, sunsets.
If you yourself say, that you have "often struggled with drink", do you still say you should go out and buy a beer whenever you want to? Isn't it rather your pride because you are told not to?
Not that I try to judge you, that's just what I experience a lot with my Mum - she just knows me damn too well. And that's exactly why I love her, because I step back and realise that she's right. Not that I would openly admit, I'm too proud for that. But she knows me well in that, too.
If it was just the money that would be one thing, but since he is also legally capable (and does) control your meds it just adds another layer of "control" onto the whole dynamics of the situation. I expect he is a bit of a control freak, and of course you are your father's son....
So there is bound to be clashing. But like I said before I wish you could take your father out of the whole medication equation and leave it to your shrink...
Regarding your panic attacks, have you tried breathing into a paper bag? It stops the hyperventilating and it really works.
As far as your dad and money stuation, no comment from me. I can see both sides and I have no solution. Life is the consequences of your actions. I learned this the hard way, but sometimes I forget and get reminded again.
Andrew,
You talked about flipping burgers. Are you still considering getting a small pt job, maybe 2-3 days a week? You wouldn't even have to work fast food. I bet there are small places that you could work at, that doesn't have alot of people there. There is a solution to your problem.
Yeah Anon,
I am still planning on it and hope to get my Google ads reinstated as well. That was $300 a month right there.
I wish you (and your family) the best. I wish I had some words of wisdom or help, but....your blog gives me wisdom in understanding my son who so reminds me of you. I can't say we are getting along any better than you and your family but at least your honesty and openness and bravery in posting your thoughts and feelings makes me feel as if I just might have an idea of what he is going through.
I read something somewhere that's stayed with me. (Was it in your blog?) Here's the statement as I remember it: the mentally ill have a right to lead lives of their own, even if -- to others -- those lives look messier than most.
ellesu,
I wish it was me who had written such words of wisdom, but no, it was not. Thank you for the kind words and thank you for reading and just trying to understand. It is appreciated.
Andrew
I fight myself on the fact that I feel I should write what my readers want/need to hear. But, it's your blog and you can write what you want to. Your readers will remain faithful whether they like it or not or they'll move on. But I see your blog as a place to vent your frustrations. I do agree that it's nice that your father cares like he does, however, you are not six years old. You do have a mental illness that does require help from others, however, you are a human being and again, not six years old. I try to put myself in your place and I would personally hate it. Your feelings are quite valid. And then I put myself in your father's place and, having children, can see that his feelings too are valid. Perhaps he needs to realize that there are other ways to go about seeing that you receive the best from life. Constantly reminding you that you're lucky he's there isn't necessary. You know that. That said, what if he wasn't there? I think maybe he might need to be made to understand how he is hurting you instead of helping. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. It's easier said than done to make someone understand your needs emotionally. Again, it's your blog and you can blog what you want to. You are very talented in so many ways and you are a decent human being. There is no need for humiliation. I hope things get better and please, keep blogging what you need to blog.
This has not been an interruption..it's a part of your life..it doesn't make you..but it does sometimes try to take you..you always overcome it..no matter how hard it gets for you..you are so admired...
please don't ever apologize..remember, this is your blog...your world, your words...your heart, your passion..your emotions..If every man expressed as well as you did, there'd be many more happy marriages..
Always,
Crusty~
If you had been totally in charge of your finances this last month do you think you would have spent it mostly on alcohol? or would you have been able to budget. I remember when you pawned to get beer money. I'm not sure you wouldn't have been down to your last penny if you were in charge.
It's too bad you have both been assigned roles to play and can't seem to grow out of them.
I hope you can feel like you are in control of your life. It's always going to take a lot of hard work on your side because of your illness. It takes a lot of hard work when you don't have your illness.
Above, you said, "I had more self esteem when I was homeless. And what good are a home and car when you feel like dirt all the time -- the lowest of the low? I appreciate being giving a home, a car, and having my bills paid."...
I don't think you do.... you are luckier than you even know! Most of us have to work to have a house and a car! And no one is paying our bills for us! You should think about what you've said... really think about it.
And you also said...
"I would rather have a life, homeless or not, than sit in this little house in a small little town in eastern Alabama with nothing to do because I can't pay for it and almost everything that's fun costs money. I can't go out to eat.".... well, if this isn't self pity then I don't know what is! You are so ungrateful. Lots and lots of people can't go out to eat because they can't afford it, and they work 40+ hrs a week! Leave the pity party to someone who really deserves it! Lighten up on your old man, too. He knows what he's doing. You probably would blow your money on booze... or worse... Clara!
such nasty, accusive words anonymous, if you think you are so right, why are you hiding behind anonymity?
I think I come to read your blog often (I do not read any other blog this often)because I find the honesty refreshing. In a sea of blogs about gadgets and stuff, you tell the reader so much about life. There is a great deal of wisdom in what you write and your way of writing is lovely.
You keep writing anything that you want to. We will keep reading.
Life treats you unfairly and never apologizes. Why should you apologize to your readers who will probably will never get the real enormity of your problem?
All the best.
Don't stop writing about what is troubling you! Remember why you write; It is more about your well being, not your audience. You may feel an obligation to edit your writing in attempt to please your readers but you then miss out on the the therapeutic benefits resulting from your honesty. It seems that your Dad is doing his best to help and his intentions are honorable. You may consider involving a neutral third party to help mediate between you and your Dad.
Regarding some of the thoughtless, inconsiderate comments... Forget them. It is like graffiti. When some spray paints F U on the wall or train, you don't take it personally do you? This is no different.
The book, Anxiety Cure by Archibald Hart is awesome for learning to deal with panic attacks. It is available very cheaply at half.com
Your father has a very big job as "representative payee" on your behalf. It's not an easy job. He has to account for all of your income/spending to the feds. I'm sure he would rather you could handle your affairs, but fortunate for you he is willing to take this difficult job. Unfortunately we all have various hands dealt to us in life. Your hand is mental illness and addicition. I'm not down on you, Andrew, I'm just stating facts. We all have issues in life and often they are very difficult situations. You know, my Mom has some physical disabilities, and unfortunately, I have the responsibility of making sure all her needs are met. It's a very difficult place to be--for both of us. However, we both are very happy that I'm able to oversee her care. All that said, your Father is in a very difficult place, be thankful he is willing and able to oversee your care. I know he loves you and only wants the best for you.
I am a working, single mother who, at the end of the week, when all bills are paid, end up with less than $85 dollars a week of MY MONEY that I WORK for and support a family of 2 with. You sound very ungrateful and immature. Going out to eat should be a luxury for someone like you, who does not have a job. I understand you feel that your illness keeps you from gainful employment. however, have you attempted to find a job recently? It may do you some good. To be frank, you sound like a spoiled, ungrateful brat who uses his illness as a crutch or an excuse to live the way you do. I have enjoyed reading your blog in the past, thinking that you seemed to be progressing out of your illness. I now feel that you have no desire to get bettter. Don't hate your father for trying to help you. Grow up and start thinking like an adult. You want to be homeless? Give your house to someone who will appreciate it and hit the streets.
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