Feeling better today. I took a long walk this morning just to clear my head. It didn't help the weather was drab and overcast, but it did feel better to get out of the house. I was supposed to meet my father last night to buy cigarettes, cokes, and put gas in my car. I had a panic attack and told him not to worry about it. He said I would just have to make do without cigarettes then. "No smokes as your not getting your mother involved in this," were his words. He came over to give me my medications, but wasn't speaking to me so I took them and then went and lay in the bed. I feel like I am having a heart attack when those panic attacks hit. Dad acted like I was just putting on a show for attention. I was really sick.
Saw Clara this morning and she gave me some hope that things do get better.
"Take me to Columbus today," she said.
"I can't," I replied. "I don't have any gas in my car."
"Do you know what the mission is going to be like?" she then asked.
"You will have to work in their thrift shop to pay your way and possibly work in the kitchen," I told her. "You will also have to attend a sermon daily. It is faith based. They all are."
Clara scowled a little bit and told me she wanted to go anyway.
"I'll take you when I get some gas," I replied. "You just hang in there."
I am just glad she is willing to go, and to try and get some help. I hope they will help her sober up and instill a work ethic into her. It certainly can't hurt to try and she has been looking really threadbare lately -- the homelessness really taking a toll. Each day, a little bit of her humanity slips away it seems to me.
It is going to be tough without cigarettes today. Probably one of my toughest days in years. That is one thing I am hopelessly addicted too. I am just determined to not to have to ask my father for any money. My groceries are running low as well. Two cans of Chef-boy-ar-dee lasagna being my last two canned items and some cheese and crackers. All I have is water to drink. The next few days will certainly test my mettle and prove interesting.
11 comments:
Sounds like it may be a rough one, but it will pass. You hang in there too Andrew!
I wish I was there!
B~
You are stronger than you think.
And I hope Clara does go to the shelter.
I walk to clear my head too!
You sound stronger than ever and I hope you are. All the best!
Why is your dad doing this to you? Have I missed something in your posts?
I have looked back but don't see anything about a conflict over money. Does he have the right to control your money????
Sir:
If possible, would you please elaborate on the statement:
"I was supposed to meet my father last night to buy cigarettes, cokes, and put gas in my car. I had a panic attack and told him not to worry about it. He said I would just have to make do without cigarettes then. "No smokes as your not getting your mother involved in this," were his words."
I do not understand his line of reasoning at all from what you have written. He is *upset* at you for having a panic attack? Or is he upset at you for calling him and telling him to not "worry about it"? Or is he upset about something else? None of the reasons seem to make a helluva lot of sense to me. It makes me frustrated that he is being so inconsiderate about your wishes to spend your own money and about your worries and fears.
If he is upset at you, what on Earth is berating you for about "getting your mother into this"?
The sort of response as he has been showing you DEFINITELY would make me feel emasculated as well, sir. I do not understand his behavior at all at this point. It seems rather petty to me.
PipeTobacco
Sir:
If possible, would you please elaborate on the statement:
"I was supposed to meet my father last night to buy cigarettes, cokes, and put gas in my car. I had a panic attack and told him not to worry about it. He said I would just have to make do without cigarettes then. "No smokes as your not getting your mother involved in this," were his words."
I do not understand his line of reasoning at all from what you have written. He is *upset* at you for having a panic attack? Or is he upset at you for calling him and telling him to not "worry about it"? Or is he upset about something else? None of the reasons seem to make a helluva lot of sense to me. It makes me frustrated that he is being so inconsiderate about your wishes to spend your own money and about your worries and fears.
If he is upset at you, what on Earth is berating you for about "getting your mother into this"?
The sort of response as he has been showing you DEFINITELY would make me feel emasculated as well, sir. I do not understand his behavior at all at this point. It seems rather petty to me.
PipeTobacco
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Just comunicate
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Your father confuses me. Doesn't seem very loving at all. If my child were having panic attacks I would do everything in my power to ease his life.
Oh the withdrawls of cigarettes..I'd never enable, but, I'd send you my packs since I don't need them. :)
Hang in there..parents whether they're acting right or wrong are doing it out of love and what they think is "best" for us..I make that mistake with my children, just as my parents did with me...I'm glad you got through the night though..and as frustrated as you are at your dad...I can still see how much you admire him.
Always,
crusty~
When you have a panic attack try breathing into a paper bag.
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