Maggie's Limit...

I walked two miles this morning.  That was a true milestone.  I worried about Maggie, though.  Her short, little legs really have to work to keep up with me.  So far, she is loving it. 

My air conditioning has decided to quit.  Actually, it just never came back on after our winter.  I have all my windows open in my house on this 82 degree day.  My thermometer says 83 degrees inside.  I love the heat which is a good thing so I am not uncomfortable.

After my walk this morning, I decided to drive over to Fat Albert's for my morning cup of coffee.  It has been awhile since I went and I was surprised to still see George employed.  

"Coffees on the house," George exclaimed after questioning me about where I've been.

I insisted on paying for my cup which was only 99 cents.  George looked perturbed.  I wanted to tell him that giving me free coffee could get him fired.  George can act like a little kid in fairy land sometimes.  Aloof.

I go to my psychiatrist tomorrow.  I am continuing the discussion about my anxiety attacks. I am determined to get these damn things out of my life.

I hope you all are having a good week and thanks for reading.    

The Sun is Out...

I just saw this image and blog title on Jessica's blog. This is how I feel tonight. Grateful. Happy. A pure sunny disposition. I am fixing to go to bed with Maggie with a big smile upon my face. Thank God for 180 degree days.

The Tide Turns...

Maggie just went about bonkers when mom pulled up out front of my house.   She wagged her tail spastically with a look on her face that said, "She's here! She's here!"

"Sorry I snapped at you this morning," mom said. "The phone rang all morning and I couldn't get any sleep.  Come get your cokes and I have some of your medicine."

The way I looked you would think an angel had come down from heaven and blessed me.  I smiled, gave mom a hug, and welcomed her inside.

"Who is it Maggie?" I asked.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!  It's momma!" Maggie seemed to say.

I smiled again, gave mom another big bear hug, and we talked for thirty minutes until she wanted to go lay down.  I love my mom so much and can't stand for her to be upset with me.  I can be so emotionally fragile sometimes.

Welcome Home...

Went for my walk again early this morning.  Maggie tagged along and seems to enjoy this much more than I.  The sun was just coming up as I turned into my driveway.  It was a beautiful sky full of rose colored clouds.  I said a little prayer thanking whoever may have been the grand designer of such things. 

I drank two diet cokes for breakfast and it was two too much; too much caffeine and I felt that scourge of anxiety attacks welling up.  I called mom and asked her to bring me some more cokes for the afternoon when she went to her hair appointment at 2 PM.

"Just how many cokes are you drinking?" she asked admonishing me. "You are going to run out."

I hung up the phone not willing to be berated about my caffeine habit.  Mom didn't call back.  She must of woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I fully expect her to come by this afternoon as if nothing ever happened. 

When I feel ill like today, much time is spent gravitating from my computer to the bed.  I call it quiet time.  I will lay down and shut the world out as my overactive mind calms down and goes to sleep.  I listen to the world going on around me feeling glad I can afford to have these times of respite.  If I were to lose my disability, I don't know what I would do.  I could never work with these things plaguing me.  

Between Chicken Nuggets and Cheap Cigs...

"I can't believe I forgot your chicken nuggets," mom told me looking worried last night. "I also got you cheap cigarettes today and want to trade them back."

"Why?" I asked genuinely interested about the cigs.

"I believe those cheap cigarettes have cheap filters and will give you cancer sooner," mom told me. 

I had to choke back a laugh.  Mom was deadly serious though.  Mom went and got me two cartons of expensive Doral Lights 100's.

"Your mother sure can get things complicated," dad said the other night.  Yes, she can, but I love her to death.   

Cluck, cluck...

"I forgot your chicken nuggets!" mom told me over the phone a moment ago profusely apologizing.

"Don't worry about it," I replied. "Let's use that money to go out to eat."

No doubt, my mother is on her way to the grocery store now.  Even though I pleaded her to wait till tomorrow. She is like me and we are such driven souls about such things.    

Expeditions for Mental Health...

It was injection time this morning.  The past two days have been shaky. Tim picked me up around 9 AM.

"You ready for the biggest needle I have ever seen?" he asked me smiling.

"It doesn't bother me," I replied with much machismo. 

"I certainly wouldn't want someone sticking me in the ass with one of those things," Tim said said of my Risperdal Consta.

I laughed.

We talked about old muscle cars on the drive down.  A subject I know a lot about.  Tim's first car was a Plymouth Satellite.  My first car was a '72 Chevelle 350 SS.  I told Time if I ever became rich, I was going to have a Chevelle convertible restored.     

Priceless...

And I was so worried Obama was going to be shorter than his wife. 

What a difference a weekend makes...

"How did you like your supper Friday?" Helen asked me as I standing next to mom's bed this morning. 

"I loved it," I replied. "I was worried about you, though."

Friday Helen cooked Salmon patties, mashed potato and onion croquettes, English peas, and biscuits. 

Helen was like a different person today compared to last Friday.

Driving over to mom's and dad's wasn't that bad this morning.  My all-wheel-drive only kicked in once to get me up a snowy hill.  I had to call dad this morning and remind him his Honda was all-wheel-drive as well.

"Does my BMW have 4-wheel-drive?" dad asked me.

That tickled my funny bone for some reason. Dad didn't even know that about his new car.

"Yes," I said. "It does."

Winter Wonderland...

We got around 4" of snow.  The sun is out and it is quickly melting.  Lows should dip down to 24 degrees tonight and turn the roads into a skating rink.   Needless to say, I won't be going anywhere.  I am happy to get my snow for the year.

Enter the Burger Zone...

Reality for me today was barely being able to order two cheeseburgers for Maggie and I.  I've been over excited about the weather and it was telling on me late this afternoon.  The cashier rung me up and as she was giving me the change, my shaky hand dropped it and coins went rolling all over the place. 

"I'll help you pick it up," the cute cashier told me.

"Keep the change," I told her with a faux smile and quickly exited.

My hands were shaking so badly I could barely put the keys in my car's ignition once I had made it outside.  I had to sit in the parking lot and breathe deeply to get an anxiety attack under control.  I thought I would never make it home safe.  I made it, though, but I doubt I will be eating cheeseburgers for a long time after that.  The one I bought is sitting on the kitchen counter and getting cold.     

My Favorite Comedian...

Why does Jim Breuer always look stoned?  He looks rough in this video. 

Snow Potential for Alabama...

Silly Bugger...

I just drove home from my parent's house.  Dad was off from work and watching the weather.

"It is 70 degrees outside," I said to him deflated.  "Surely it is not going to snow like they say it is."

"It's a cold core low," he replied. "It is bringing the cold weather with it."

I couldn't get dad to bet with me that is wasn't going to snow.  The loser was going to have to grill out hamburgers one night next week.

The bradford pears are blooming.  I thought is was early, but dad says it is about time.  I can't wait for summer to get here. 

Sensitive Sam...

It was about 10 AM this morning when Helen came.  I had been up for hours working on some model railroading projects.  Helen barely said 5 words to me the whole time she was here.  I am so sensitive and thought she was mad at me for some reason.  I should have just asked her. 

I called mom after Helen had left.

"Is something wrong with Helen?" I asked.

"Why?" mom then asked.

"She acted surly to me all morning," I replied. 

"No, silly!" mom said. "It is not you. Helen and her husband are having terrible money problems right now.  She borrowed $40 from me today."

I hated to hear Helen was having problems, but I sighed with relief that it wasn't about me. 

I managed to walk again this morning.  Only one mile, but I plan to add to the mileage as I go.

Brace yourselves!  We have a 60 percent chance of snow tomorrow night and Sunday.  I am already getting excited. 

Ridiculous Rap Lyrics...

I found this blog and just roared with laughter after reading for awhile.  I, too, used to listen to rap music in high school.  It makes me shudder now. 

Snacks and Shit

Newest Kindle 2 Review...

I really like these little contraptions. I would hope they would be just the catch I need to start back reading in earnest again. That said, I do have about 10 audio books on my harddrive that I have never listened to. Need to burn them to a CD and listen.

Kindle 2 Review

Day Two: Walk-a-thon...

I woke up this morning at four and couldn't sleep.  Usually, when I get up, I am rearing to go.  I put on some clothes and noticed Maggie was sitting by the front door, wagging her tail, and looking at her leash on the piano.  "Come on girl," I told her and we headed out.  I only walked down to the elementary school and back.  About a mile.  I feel good, though.  I feel like I am doing something meaningful with my time.

I was thinking about dad as I walked.  For the past year, he has come every night to bring my medications.  He works all day and still manages to make sure I am mentally okay.  That is dedication folks.  Many people would say to hell with that.  He's a grown man.  Make him take his own medications.  At first, the paranoia almost got the best of me and I thought he was trying to control me.  Now, with my mental health as stable as it has been in years, I see he just cares about me.  I thought I would share that this morning as that has been prominent on my mind today.  

Giving my all...my all gave out...

I struck out with good intentions this morning.  Maggie was on her leash, and I was bundled up in my best walking clothes.  It was 5 AM and the sun wasn't due for another two hours.  I couldn't sleep and woke up with the mantra, "get in shape!" bouncing around in my head.  I made it two measly blocks before I got winded and cold.  So much for good intentions.  Maggie had the best time, though, as this was so out of our regular routine.

The hearing the cicadas delusion is making me long for summer.  I am tired of these chilly and drab days.  The forsythias and daffodils are already blooming this deep South so I know spring is around the corner.  I can't wait for my heirloom rose to start blooming again.  It will need a trim come spring.    

Monday's...

Auditory Hallucinations...

At first, I couldn't believe they weren't real until I covered my ears and the volume didn't go down.  I keep hearing cicadas and water rushing through pipes.  It will start out muted and crescendo to a dull roar.  I don't go back to see my doctor for months, and I am unsure whether to make a big deal of this or not.  At least they don't last.  It is strange though. 

I went by and got my daily three dollars from mom a moment ago.

"You're going to McDonald's?" mom asked.

"How did you guess?" I replied. "I am getting two sausage biscuits."

Mom gave me two more dollars to get a coffee and some hashbrowns.  That was very nice of her. 

I don't have anything planned for today.  My next visit will be dad at 9:30 tonight with my medications.  Maybe they will chase away these weird noises I am experiencing. 

Visits in the AM...

One of my cousins came by early this morning with gifts.  She brought a big bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Breakfast was four cookies and a glass of milk.  I really shouldn't been eating them (diet), but I am a sucker for homemade chocolate chip. 

Maggie cornered a possum on my back deck this morning as well.  There was a wild 20 minutes of ferocious barking until I got a broom and swept the possum away.  It rolled over, finally played dead, and I took it by naked tail to the backyard and gently set it free. 

Today is my great aunt's 93rd birthday.  She amazes me with how well she does.  She still lives alone, gets up, fixes breakfast, and cleans her kitchen.  She has to use her walker now, though.  Dad is taking her to some nice restaurant on the backwater.  I was invited, but decided to stay home.  Not sure if I can take all that social stuff anyway today. 

Bwahahaha....

Maggie's Late Christmas...

I stepped outside early this morning to check Maggie's outside water bowl.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving.  Down at the far end of the yard was a stray cat who had jumped over the fence.  "This should prove interesting!" I mused to myself in my thoughts.  It took Maggie a few moments to catch on until she saw that cat.  You had never heard more ferocious barking than what was spewing from Maggie's mouth.  It was like having a front row seat to a much ballyhooed boxing match.  Maggie won as the cat finally figured out how to jump back over the fence.  That was one funny and wild cat chase for a moment there. 

Terribly Not Safe for Work...

Or for people who are squeamish about profanity.  The following parody is chock full of off color words.  Listen at your own risk.  That said, I thought this was a hilarious parody of home electronics and the companies that build them.  Hope some of you laugh. 

Sony releases new stupid piece of shit.

Gulp Goes a Pill...

I was in my doctor's office bathroom just a moment ago gulping down some Klonopin.  This every two week injection thing makes me nervous, but I feel so much better afterwards.

"Feeling better?" dad asked as I sat back down. "You sure are sweating.  Wipe your brow."

I wanted mom to take me but dad said, "We are not getting into all that shit this morning.  Your mother gets things too complicated."

My nurse is so kind and caring.  She weighed me and took my blood pressure. 

"All good," she said. "And you continue to lose weight."

As me and dad were driving home, we stopped at the newly built McDonald's up the road.  Three egg mcmuffins later we were on our way back to my house.

"I love you son," dad told me.

"I love you more than anything," I told him back.

Now for a quiet day in which I hope I am devoid of any anxiety attacks.  It will take a few hours for my shot to start working. 

The Sandman...

I was almost asleep in my mother's Lazy-Boy when I looked up and saw mom picking her nose.

"Mom, that's gross!" I exclaimed.

"I thought you were asleep!" she defended herself.

"Digging for gold? Eh?"

I didn't want to go home.  I had come to get my cokes.  It was going to be a long anxiety filled afternoon waiting on dad to come with my medications. 

"What are you going to do when you get home?" mom asked, almost reading my mind.

"Listen to Coast to Coast AM and watch Tru TV court coverage," I replied.

"Do you still go to AA?" mom asked.

"Seldom," I said. "The meetings in town suck and it is too long a drive to Lagrange. I can't afford the gas."

"Are you out of gas?" mom asked.

This is where a few words could make this get very complicated or simple.  If I say I am out of gas, mom will insist we go get some.  I say no and go home without any worries.  I said no and drove myself on home.  I still have a 1/4 of a tank.  I am already missing mom though.  I am entirely too dependent upon my parents for everything even socialization.  

Curious George...

I lay on the floor of my den balled up like a fetus in the womb and cried, "Please dear God!  No more house cleaning!"  What followed would be a cigarette and then the thought of doing more terrible chores.  There was a lot more thinking about cleaning than actual cleaning getting done.  I am not very domestic. 

My 4 AM in the morning guest to-be was George.  I went for a morning cup of coffee at Fat's.  George said, "Why didn't you answer your door?"

"Dude! It was freakin' four in the morning," I told him. "You 'bout gave me and Maggie a nervous condition."

"You always used to get up early anyway," George said in his defense. 

He wanted to borrow money.  I had two dollars to my name.  One sure thing about George is then he never fails to pay you back.  I just didn't have any to give him. 

Mom came by this afternoon.  She brings three 20oz Coca-Colas with her when she visits.  I swear those are the best damn cokes I have ever drank.    I can just feel all that caffeine coursing through my veins.  Don't say, "I told you so!" if I have a anxiety attack drinking this stuff.  It is my version of living dangerously. 

Strange Days...

Maggie started her "muted cough" routine about 4 AM this morning.  It is where she really wants to bark, but is afraid I will get on to her.  Moments later there was a loud knock on my door. "I sure as hell ain't answering the door at 4 AM in the morning," I thought. I waited about thirty minutes and then turned every light on in the house and outside.  Maggie then spent the next hour barking like a mad dog.  I thought I would never get back to sleep.

Later this morning, I drove over to mom's and dad's for my sodas.  Dad was gone to God's Country to see my great aunt.  Mom was in the bed. 

"I'm excited!" mom told me as I was petting her cat, Muffin.

"Excited about what?"

"Mother's inheritance she left for me," mom told me. "Your father says we are going to put it in certificates of deposit and I can live off the interest."

"I will know who to beg when I need a new computer," I told her jokingly. 

I was glad my grandmother left something for mom.  Mom and my grandmother never got along and I was fearing she would be left out of the will. 

This Just Cracks Me Up!!!

Breakfast at Dad's...

Dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday this morning.  I was trying to think of something practical.

"More games for your Wii?" he asked.

"I know!" I replied. "Let's get the one-hundred-thousand mile service done on my Honda at the car dealership in Lagrange."

"That is what we will do then," he said. "We'll get your car washed as well."

I feel really good today (knock on wood).  You won't hear any complaints from me.  It is raining and Maggie is asleep on the bed.  I think I will got get lost in Zelda for the Wii.  It is the perfect day for video games. 

Religion Delivered...

It is 5:00 this afternoon.  Mom shows up at my house just as two Mormon missionaries visit. 

"Sorry boys," I told them. "I've got to unload my groceries."

"Help!" mom mouthed from her car.

I walked over and mom was having a terrible anxiety attack.  She was sweating profusely and looked pale as a ghost.

"It started at the grocery store," she told me.  "I am going to lie down inside."

Mom got to feeling better after laying down  That crazy dog, Maggie, jumped up on the bed and wouldn't get off.

"She's okay," mom finally said. 

Like mother, like son.  We both struggle with these things and our mental illnesses.  I am just glad she is okay.  I know how terrifying those attacks can be. 

Sincerity...

I've been trying some social experiments lately to try and overcome my social anxiety.  I watch dad a lot and have been trying to mimic him.   Helen was in my parent's kitchen this morning as I went over to get my sodas.  I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "It is so good to see you!"  I said it with the utmost sincerity.  You could see Helen relax and she gave me a big hug.

"What's gotten into you baby?" she asked.

"I'm just glad to call you a friend," I replied. 

"You want an extra special supper for Friday, don't you?"

I laughed and then woke mom up to let her know I was there.  I told mom how much she meant to me and how all she does for me makes my life so much more livable.  Mom mumbled something half asleep and I got my cokes and headed home.   

Pooped Pups...

Maggie doesn't get going till after noon these days.  I've been up since 6.  Who has the better idea and habits?  Maggie!

Twitter - The Double Edged Sword...

I can't remember how long I've been using Twitter.  At least a year now I think.  Initially, I found most of the people I follow through The Homeless Guy.  Meaning they lived in Nashville.  So when the Tennessee Titans played, I got mainly NFL theme Twitters.  That was a drag and a small minority of Nashvillians who twitted a lot filled my Twitter screen.  That got old quick.  

I mainly wanted a way to micro blog.  I didn't much care for the social chat aspects.  I just wanted to share what was going on in between the lines of my meatier blog posts.  You will find people that spend all day using Twitter as a chat client.  Tiresome to me. I wanted to be able to Twit about Maggie and not take up a whole blog post to do it.

Lately, I found Amy Palko from Scotland.  She's a busy Twitter person and her following just continues to grow.  I checked out her followers and found all kinds of new and interesting people to follow.  My Twitter tweets went from mundane to interesting overnight.  Now, I am hearing about the Alps, or holidays in Spain.  The weather in Britain, and life overseas.  Twitter is interesting again to me and I needed it.  I was about to quit, tired of my Nashville following.