The day was going well. I had got a lot done and was proud of myself. I spent all afternoon cleaning my truck inside and out. For being fourteen years old and with 165,000 miles on the clock she was looking great. I was dead tired and plunked down in front of the TV to catch the weather channel and kicked off my tennis shoes. As I was sitting there entranced by the gorgeous lady meteorologist, I heard a strange noise. It was a gurgling noise coming from the bathroom. It sounded like a witch’s cauldron bubbling. I also caught hint of a nasty, putrid smell. I walked into the bathroom and panic struck. Raw sewage was spewing out of my toilet and the drain in my shower.
“Dear God!” I thought.
I scrambled into action and ran upstairs and turned off the washing machine. I had been washing the seat covers to my truck and the towels I used to clean it with. I ran back down stairs to see if that helped. The swelling up of raw sewage had stopped. The smell was horrible though and my bathroom floor which is the lowest floor in the house was covered in over an inch of shit and debris. My heart sank as I tried to organize in my mind how to begin to get this mess cleaned up.
I decided to call Charlie; the fellow who is buying this house and whom I have bought his. I didn’t want to drop this calamity on my father just a few weeks after major heart surgery.
“Do you have a wet/dry shop vac?” I asked.
“Yeah, what has happened?” Charlie asked.
“You don’t want to know. You really don’t, Charlie.” I replied.
Charlie drove over with the shop vac and took charge. We uncovered the drain outside and took off the cover and tried to vacuum out all the junk. Shit spewed everywhere and all over us as well. Bucket after bucket on the shop vac grew full and we emptied it into the back of the yard. It was a messy and disgusting job and one that I want to forget but probably never will. Charlie saw a cigarette butt pour out with the mess with one bucket and turned to me with an accusation.
“You have been smoking in the bathroom and flushing down the cigarette butts haven’t you?” He said.
I no longer smoke cigarettes and only smoke my pipe. I grew angry at the accusation as I knew where this was going. Jonathon is always to blame and not the shoddy plumbing job put in a few years ago.
“Today’s modern toilets don’t flush well. They are only one and half gallons as opposed to the toilets of old that flushed with four. You can only put shit and toilet paper in a toilet now days!” He exclaimed.
I bit my tongue and held my temper at bay. This guy was covered in shit like me and was working his ass off to help. I couldn’t be an asshole but I wanted to be.
“Okay Charlie, only shit and TP from now on.” I replied with a sigh.
We managed to clear the sewage pipe from the house to the road but the clog was deeper into the main. We are going to have to call a plumber in the morning. We managed to use the shop vac and with copious amounts of bleach to get the bathroom clean and the smell out of my apartment though and for that I am grateful and relieved. I just don’t have a way to go to the bathroom till the morning. Oh well, in my homeless days, great wide nature was my bathroom. I guess a quick run to the back of the yard with some toilet paper will not do much harm as there is enough shit out there to fill a hundred toilets at the moment. That is just one part of my homeless days I do not want to relive.
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