CANINE VERSUS MAN

Maggie likes to bark.  Maggie has a lot of free time on her hands.  This leads us to a not very fun combination for my back neighbors.  Especially when Maggie gets the barkies at 4 AM on a Sunday morning.

Last night as I was preparing to go to bed and I was remiss in locking Maggie's dog door.  I was awakened at 3 AM last night to what sounded like a dog pound in my backyard.  Bark! Bark! Bark!

"Maggie, shuddap and get your ass in the bed!" I hollered to little avail. 

I had to walk out and entice Maggie back in with an oatmeal creme pie.  Like her father, she has a terrible sweet tooth.  

Another great tool for coercing Maggie into minding is real fried bacon.  Fry up a slab, crumble it, and it will last for days.  This was the only real way I could teach Maggie to come when called dutifully. 

Can we keep it kinda rare?

My ears pricked up this morning when Helen announced she was going to buy a tenderloin and cook it for supper.  "Ah, the opulence, sheer luxury." My brain conversed with itself. 

Helen came home and continued to cook the shit out of the tenderloin.  My hopes were dashed when I looked in the oven to find a grey, sickly looking piece of meat.  I dared not cut into it to find more of said.  I kept praying she would keep it kind of rare.  Not in the South my dear friends. We fry and cook EVERYTHING al dente. 

Mom's back to walking everyday. 

"You can go with me and Maggie," I told her.

"I only walk a few hundred feet at a time," mom replied.

I smiled when I thought of the disappointment on Maggie's face when we would turn around at the end of the street.   "Come on, there is gotta be more than this?" Maggie would say if she could talk. 

Back!

A quick note to my friend Kirs.  Thank you for the money.  It filled my car up with gas.

I've been on vacation this week.  I have the opportunity to stay at a house on the beach my sister rented.  It was sublime and I got my batteries recharged for the rest of the summer.

I've also had terrible Internet connection problems.  Tonight is the first time I've been on in about two weeks.  Water got in the connection box on the house and shorted out my Internet and cable TV. 

A Thief in the Night...

"I believe Helen is stealing from my purse," mom told me.  "I've had ones and fives come up missing."

[insert various other paranoid schizophrenic ramblings]

"Helen wouldn't steal from you, mom," I said steadfastly. 

"How much money was it?" I asked.

"$25 dollars," she replied.  "I'm hiding my purse from now on."

I thought long and hard on the drive back to my house.  In the not too distant past, I would have been the one blamed for this transgression.  Mom is notoriously sloppy with the way she handles money and probably just forgot where she put it.  

Yankee Beans...

Helen has been recruited to help mom on her diet.  I was just over at moms to get my cokes.  Helen was pulling a pan of baked chicken breasts out of the oven.

"Those are the most puny chicken breasts I have ever seen," I told Helen. "They're miniature."

Helen laughed and said, "I'm trying to help your mother with portion control."

I heard dad grumble in the den about having "Yankee beans."  The reason dad called them that was that Helen didn't put in any fattening salt pork to season the green beans the way they customarily do in the South. 

Weight Watchers...

Tomorrow is the big day.  Mom starts Weight Watchers.  That is all she talked of today was about how much she is dreading dieting. 

"I dread everything," I told her to make her feel better.  "I get it from your mother."

"I even dread taking a shower," mom chimed in on the pity party.

I couldn't help but laugh at our little tell-all expose.   Helen just smiled as she stood by us ironing dad's shirts as we sat at the kitchen table.  You can bet she was taking in every word we were saying.

Mom and Dad have been in Maryland for a week seeing my brother and his family.  It has been nice having Charlie giving me my medications at night.  Charlie doesn't dote over me.  He brings me food, lavishes Maggie with attention, and leaves.  He doesn't even check under my tongue as dad always does to see if I have hidden the pills.  Dad is the pharmaceutical equivalent of what the Gestapo was to the Third Reich. 

Arrangements...

Helen came by this morning on her way to mom and dad's to work.   She was passing out homemade banana nut bread loafs to friends and family.  Needless to say, I was one happy soul to partake of the still warm loaf with a glass of milk for breakfast this morning.  I've had an insatiable sweet tooth lately.

Do any of you all remember when I had a tab at Rodger's barbeque a few years ago?  I could go get a meal everyday and it would be paid for.  Well, it is a second week in a row that I am out of food again.  Dad wants to start a tab at Merl's diner for me.  I just don't know if I will go though.  It is embarrassing to me that my father is having to make such arrangements because I am not allowed money.  

Materialism...

After the Storm Front...

Stormy Weather...

For George With Love....

I would love to prank George with this sign and put it in his front yard.  I can see him laughing now.  Mrs. Jones, George's mother, would not be amused though.  

Textures...

A camellia as seen out my window sitting at this computer.  My grandmother always kept a bowl of camellias on her kitchen table. 

God? Where are you?

My submission today to I can haz cheezeburger.  Remember the Burger King photo with the same caption that was floating around the Internet?

Finances...

I asked dad this morning what my disability check is every month.  I had no idea.  Actually, I have no idea about any of my finances.  They are just paid for me. 

"Your check is $937 dollars a month," dad told me. "It helps you don't have rent to pay or a car payment."

"Are my utilities reasonable?" I asked.

"Very," dad said. "I sometimes worry you aren't using your heating or air enough to save money.  I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

My thermostat is set on a constant 82 degrees summer and winter.  I can't stand to be cold.

I do know my groceries are $60 dollars a week.  Mom can write checks on my checking account and has told me several times that is what she pays.

My father's business subsidizes my sodas.  Actually, mom got that going.  She goes by and has Judy order the cokes for me. 

My cigarettes are my biggest expense.  Mom insists on buying the expensive brands because she thinks the filters are better and thus the expensive cigarettes are better for my lungs.  I spend $30 a week on cigarettes.   

This brings me joy...

I have every window and door open in this house and it is a wonderful 78 degrees outside.  I laid on my bed for the longest time with Maggie listening to the birds.

On second thought about my previous post, I shouldn't be so hard on my mother.  She has schizophrenia like me and is on a plethora of psychiatric drugs.  Drugs that will make you very drowsy.   I just wish she would be kinder about the whole affair and ask me to come later or just give all the cokes to me. 

Ho Hum, why do I even write this?

The excitement in my life today is a threat for thunderstorms.  It will give me something to look forward to today. 

More shenanigans with mom today.  She acted ugly to me about waking her up to get my cokes.  "Screw your cokes," I told her and drove home.  No time apparently is a good time to do that.  She sleeps around the clock.

George got fired this morning.  I was getting my coffee and pastries when it all went down.  I walked out and George was sitting in his car.

"I'm going on one hell of a bender today," he told me. "Do you want to come?"

My feeble alcoholic brain was very tempted for a moment there.

"It would probably be the end of me," I told George. 

Mom, Me, and Helen...

Mom, Me, and Helen sat at my kitchen table eating supper this afternoon.  Just the usual small talk was occurring.  Afterwards, Helen helped me do the dishes and load my dish washer.  Mom went back to my room to lie down with Maggie.   It was rather pleasant having all these people in the house going about their lives and helping me with mine.

Maggie's walk was this afternoon.  We took a detour over to the basketball courts to watch the kids play awhile.  One little kid ran over.

"Does that dog bite?" he asked.

"She wouldn't harm a flea," I replied.

Maggie got some good lovin'. I was worried how Maggie would react because she has never been around kids much, but she did fine.

This afternoon I spend a few hours trying to get my lawn tractor to start.  I charged the battery.  Put in fresh gas.  It still wouldn't start.  I called dad and he said we are going to get J.W. over here to see about it.  I hope he hurries.  My yard and grass are growing like wildfire.    

Sleeping Beauty...

It is customary for me to call mom before driving over to get my sodas.  I can't call before ten or it will wake her up.  Well, I started calling at ten and couldn't get her on the home phone or her cell phone.  I was beginning to worry something bad had happened until I finally got her on the phone. 

"I was just laying down and didn't want to answer the phone," she said.

"Royalty..." I muttered.

"Why did you call me that?" mom asked.

"That's what dad calls you when you do these kinds of things.  You are too good to be bothered."

Mom was so sorry for making me worry something bad had happened. 

"I'm gone to get yours and our groceries now," she told me.

I hung up the phone and shook my head.  I really was worried about her and almost drove over.  I don't know where Helen was when all this was going on.   I guess I am just being a busy body myself today. 

March of the Maggie...

Maggie and I left for our walk late this afternoon.  Much dancing and prancing occurred while I tried to put on Maggie's harness.

Down the street in a fence is a dog I call "the mop."  It is the canine version of Cousin It.  Maggie loves to socialize with the mop.  Tails wagging, they come as close to as they can in the butt sniffing department.  And they say adversity fosters innovation.

After leaving the mop, Maggie and I head for the elementary school down the road.  It is about a mile and I turn around to return.  There are usually some kids on the playground and Maggie barks to let them know who is boss.

A moment ago, I was over at my father's house.  He and J.W. had been working in the yard all day.  The work was done and dad had his sprinkler system going.  We both remarked how much my siblings and me would have loved to play in that sprinkler. 

I then ate supper with mom and dad.  Dad had prepared some pimento cheese sandwiches and they were delicious with chips and some of dad's iced tea.  I drove home a happy man and even had a sandwich for Maggie. 

Oh Rebecca, How I Love You...

My usual nurse, Rebecca, has been out on maternity leave since before Christmas.  It is so very good to have her back.  Today was my injection and she makes it a pleasant experience.  We bantered back and forth about various things as she prepared my shot.

"I have missed you so much," I told her. "You just don't know."

You could see her beam with pride as she said, "I am glad to be back."

We tried my left butt cheek this morning.  Rebecca insists on changing every other time.  I didn't bleed or feel any pain.

"You have the magic touch with that shot," I said.

Rebecca is to ask my doctor today about the prescription of clonazepam he prescribed for me, but never gave me.  I hope he will call it in to the drug store.    I have four clonazapam to last me until next month. 

Bad Breath...

George's boss got onto him about smelling alcohol on his breath today at work.

"At least I wasn't drunk," George told me and laughed.

George laughed and laughed and thought it was the funniest thing.

"He doesn't know that," I replied of his boss, wishing George would take the occurrence a little more seriously.

I still have to have my cup of coffee and my Little Debbie donut sticks every morning thus my reason for being there.

I left Fat's and took a long drive down through the valley.  Something I never do because of my anxiety attacks.  It felt good to be "free."  Without a care in the world as the early morning air blew through my cap-less hair with the window rolled down.    

Feast or Famine...

Helen has asked me Friday what I wanted to eat.  "Cabbage," I told her. "What else?" she asked. "Surprise me," I said.  Helen cooked country fried steak, macaroni and cheese, and a pan of her delicious biscuits with the boiled cabbage.  I went from famine to feast in two days.  I have been making sandwiches out of the steak for the past few days. 

I took Maggie on her walk early this morning before the heat hit.  As usual, she had a wonderful time.  You should see how excited she gets to go on these little forays around the neighborhood.  

Maggie has developed on little quirk for which I am trying to get her to quit.  She will go out at 2 or 3 in the morning and bark in the back of the yard near the neighbors house.  I have been getting her inside and blocking the dog door.   She is not happy about that as I am sure the neighbors aren't happy about her barking all night near their house.  

Blessings, Dear Mother...

Mom brought a veritable cornucopia of food yesterday.  I was out of anything to eat for several days and was subsisting on coffee and donut sticks at Fat Albert's with the three dollars mom gives me everyday.  If I told mom I was out of food, then she would go into crisis mode and it would piss off my father.  So mum was the word.

Been camping out much of this week and spending less and less of my days on the Internet.  One of the main reasons I quit camping was that I associated it with drinking and my homeless days.  The urge is still there, but not so pronounced.

I think I've encountered a drastic change in brain chemistry these past few weeks.  Something miraculously occurred and I can watch TV again after not being able to watch in years.   I am fascinated by the Home Shopping Network and ShopNBC.  I want to be a jewelry designer and collector.  Maybe it is some of my father's gay genes coming out in me.  

J.W.

Mom acted ugly to me this morning.  It REALLY hurt my feelings and I was sulking when I drove over.  She would never talk that way to my brother or sister.  Because if she did, they wouldn't speak to her for weeks.  Me?  I just said I was sorry for calling so early.  I thought it was ten instead of nine. 

My father has new yard help.  His name is J.W. and we have become fast friends.  J.W. used to be a mechanic and lost his job when cars became too technical.  J.W. keeps asking me to take him fishing over at our pond in God's Country. 

"We'll go when it gets warmer," I told him.

"You sure there's bass in that pond?" he will ask.

"They practically jump on your line," I told him to vigorous grins. 

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise...

Imagine how surprised I was when my computer illiterate father turned on my computer and proceeded to pull up a YouTube video for me to watch last night.  My jaw dropped to the floor.

"Dad," I said. "You just pulled up a YouTube video."

"Next thing you know, I will be on Facebook," dad replied smiling.

My walks with Maggie are occurring later and later in the day.  I walked two miles today to find Helen at my house when I arrived home.  I was anxious to find out what she was cooking for lunch today.

"Spaghetti and meat sauce," Helen told me. "The sauce needs around two hours to simmer."

It has been absolute torture sitting here in my computer room with all the delicious and tantalizing smells wafting in from the kitchen.  

Busy Body...

Mom sent Helen to my house with banana sandwiches and chips at  noon.  Today is grocery day and I had exhausted all my food. 

"She's gone to get your groceries now," Helen said. "And I am so glad to be off work."

"Your house is clean, baby," Helen then said as we sat down in my den.

"I was a whirlwind yesterday cleaning everything," I replied.

"What makes your momma sleep so much?" Helen then asked surprising me.

"It is her medicine for her mental illness," I replied. "It makes her very sleepy and groggy."

"Ah," Helen said. "I didn't know that."

We then talked about what I wanted for lunch tomorrow.

"Surprise me," I told her. "Helen, you could cook a dishrag and it would taste good."

Helen finally left and I was sad to see her go.  The company was nice for a moment there.  Now, to wait on mom and my groceries.  I have my heart set on a piece of chocolate creme pie.  

Two Steps Forward. Three Steps Back...

I broke down in my shower this morning feeling overwhelmed. "I don't think I can take all this shit today," I muttered.  I wanted just a quiet day at home with my Internet and my TV.

Soon dad arrived to pick me up.  I brushed my hair and put on my favorite San Diego Chargers ball cap. 

"You look and smell nice today," dad said as he handed me two of my Clonazepam.  "This won't take long."

We arrived at the hospital and dad immediately went into social gregarious mode.  Talking to everyone he saw.  I quietly sat in a back chair of the lobby shying away from all the small talk.  "I wish mom would have taken me," I said at one point to myself. 

We waited an hour to be called back for our blood work.  "Thank you," I prayed to the gods that be that this ordeal was about over. 

"You okay?" dad asked.

"Overwhelmed," I said. "Too much stimulus."

Dad held my hand to calm me.  I was on the edge of a massive anxiety attack.

I am still so fragile these days.  Dad says mom and I are both in such a way.  We can't take all the social aspects that come when doing something with my father.  Dad reminds me of a politician. 

I was so glad to get home.  I immediately curled up in the bed with Maggie and nervously smoked cigarette after cigarette.  Dad called me a moment later and said, "All burdens weren't lifted on Calgary."  His favorite catch phrase about how mom and I couldn't even handle such things with divine intervention.  

Travels With Tim...

Tim picked me up at lunch.  We had our customary talk about ice hockey on the way down through the valley.

"I really appreciate you doing this," I told him. "Getting this injection isn't any fun and I trust you."

"Thank you," Tim said.

"Dad speaks highly of you as an employee as well," I then told Tim.

"I love my job," he told me. "It is good to hear that."

My usual nurse has been out since Christmas with a newborn.  I was so glad to see her beautiful face again adorned in her nurses' scrubs.  She gave me my injection and I was soon headed back up the road in the company van to home.  I always thank my lucky stars when I can make it through such an ordeal without having an anxiety attack.

Tomorrow is blood work at the hospital.  Dad is picking me up at 8 AM.  I don't know why they won't just let me drive myself.  I guess dad fears I won't go. 

Mother Nature's Wrath...

Maggie woke me this morning to walk at four and it was storming something crazy.  Vivid flashes of lightning lit up the sky followed by house shaking thunder.  I got out of the bed long enough to sit in the dark of my den and listen to the pounding rain for awhile.  At one point, the tornado siren down the street went off causing Maggie to start howling loudly.  It was an other-worldly event and sound. 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday.  I appreciated it very much.  The main gift I am getting from my father is to get my Honda cleaned up, the radio fixed, and my 100,000 mile service at the Honda dealership.  Mom got me a wonderful framed mural of all the various steam engines the traveled the Chattahoochee Valley Railway since the eighteen hundreds.  You know me and trains so I really liked that gift.  It looked much more expensive that it actually was.  

37 Years Younger...

Today I turned 37 years old.  I thought it was neat that Easter and my birthday fell on the same day. It is going to be a quiet birthday at home.  Just like I like them.

Dad loves to tell the story about my mother and my birth.  Dad says mom was casually reading a novel.  She then had me with no complications at all.  Within an hour after the childbirth she was reading her novel again so nonchalant.    

Heaping Piles of Food...

I watched as mom ate two heaping plates of food today at lunch.

"Geez, you must've been hungry," I told her.

Helen fried hamburger steaks with onion gravy, mashed potatoes, and English peas.  It was a meal I had requested and thoroughly enjoyed.

"I am going to get fat again," mom said as she cleaned her plate.

After lunch, I went shopping for a new computer keyboard.  The one that came with my Dell was lacking.  I braved the dreaded Wal-Mart only to walk out victorious and I didn't see my ex-wife thankfully.  She lives at such places and it is a small town.   

No Bourbon for You...

"If you go to AA, are you allowed to drink on a moderate basis after you've been sober awhile?" was the curious question George asked me this morning.

"Abstinence," I replied. "You are supposed to never drink again."

"That sucks donkey balls," George said frowning.

I couldn't help but laugh.  It was an innocent enough question.

"You thinking about going to AA?" I then asked.

"Hell no," George said. "They're a bunch of religious, brainwashed kooks."

George might be opposed to AA, but he always asks me questions about it.  He has this fascination with the subject.  I didn't tell George this, but I rarely go as well these days.  Every time I go, Phillip, the local AA patriarch asks me if I am sober and miserable. 

"Your miserable despite being sober," he will tell me. "You need to work your program."

I don't have the heart to tell him I've been feeling pretty well except for my bouts with my mental illness. 

A few months ago, I went to an overeaters anonymous meeting and really liked it.  The drawback?  It was a very long drive.  A drive I can't afford often. 

Not a Killing Frost...

Dad was off today when I went to get my colas.  He was in his robe with the most raggedy bedroom slippers on.

"What was the low last night?" he asked me.

"30," I replied.

"Close call," dad said. "But I don't think it was a killing frost."

Mom had acted ugly to me yesterday and didn't even remember it today when I went back to her room to get cigarettes. 

"Hey there!" she said gleefully, poking her head out of the covers.

"Hey mom," I replied.

"Only take one carton of cigarettes," she told me.

"Okay," I replied, not understanding why it mattered.

So that is my boring life this morning.  I am now home watching Court TV on my computer while Maggie lies on the bed in my computer room. 

Don't Worry! It is just the ShamWOW guy!

His real name is Vince, and he got arrested last week with a prostitute.  I think she beat him up.  How about adding insult to injury?

MoonShot....

Full moon?  Does this mean I get a free pass to act crazy for one night and not get locked up? LOL