I keep hearing that in my AA meetings. I keep hearing the importance of a sponsor to work the steps. I don't know, but having a sponsor terrifies me. To call everyday with problems. To have such close contact with a mentor is terrifying to me. I continue to go through the program solo. Sans mentor/sponsor.
I don't want to drink these days and that is a blessing.
Ah, I am tired of blogging. Tired of thinking up something to write here everyday. I used to love it. Now it is just a chore. Maybe I am just going through a phase that will pass.
19 comments:
Sometimes it is so easy to run dry and starved - coming into accountability with others is difficult for me because closeness can be terrifying - I'm pretty allergic to revealing myself to others due to the fear of criticism and condemnation. Andrew, you have online supporters here who do not condemn you for revealing your problems - thank you for being so candid.
I have to say getting a sponsor was the best thing I did. I waited until the very end of my first year to ask someone because I wasn't willing to listen to suggestions and take them. You have to become willing. Although AA does not have any opinion on outside issues, get off the Klonopin. Any of those benzodiazopenes are highly addictive and they will be your biggest downfall on top of not getting a sponsor. You are playing with fire, trust me. I just picked up my 18 months at NA (which I also attend) and I couldn't have done this much without her. Working the steps and becoming willing to admit defeat and work through them is really the key to success if you really want this kind of life.
I think you're starting to see us readers as your "sponsor" instead of your friends, thus you are starting to dread blogging, thinking you have to say something every day or whatever. We are your friends, not your sponsor. We're here for you when you want someone to talk to, and we wait when you want to just relax by yourself. Remember that, my friend, and you will get the joy of blogging back.
I love Leo LePorte. I think we listen to a lot of the same talk radio shows. do you listen to Mike Mc Connell too?
I think we all go thru times when blogging is dry. Take time off... wait till you think of something you want to blog about.
By the way, I think you've done fabulously without a mentor. I have a mentor (not for AA but for personal reasons) and she is a wonderful part of my life. It was weird getting used to it at first, now I love her to death! Maybe give it some more thought.
I feel the same way lately. As if I'm blogging for everyone else and not for myself. I need to rethink the whole thing.
Good that you are going to meetings and that you are doing well on your own.
You only have more to gain from the other parts of the program, if you decide you want it.
Can a sponsor turn into a friend?
Also, you can try blogging every other day or so and see if that helps you.
I'm sure it's so hard to find the right fit in a sponsor. It has to be the perfect person, and you probably haven't found that yet.
As far as blogging, it's probably a phase. We all go through it. I do know I look for you every single day. I don't always have something to say, and then I don't write. Other times, I can't stop.
I know what you mean about blogging, and I think Cheryl is right. Some days, it IS a chore.
I hope you had a good weekend Andrew, and the week ahead: the best ever!
:)
A sponsor can be a good thing. You want to keep that 209 going up.
You make everyday life interesting on your blog. Keep it up.
I hope that you don't stop blogging. I love to read your posts. But I know what you mean about running dry and trying to come up with something to say everyday. It gets hard, but it's normal. And I think you are probably more normal than you think you are. I hope you stick around, but if you need to stop do whatever feels right to you.
Andrew, I understand where you are coming from in the blogging area. Sometimes, I think we have set ourselves up to have the answers and/or to be seen as having all the answers for ourselves, and so when we're really struggling, it's hard to let others know that.
One thing I try to do when I'm having problems with myself, or with coming up with anything "good" from within me, is read others' blogs, read interesting news blips, etc., and then blog about those things. That way, I'm keeping the blog alive, but I'm not so into "me."
One other thing, when I don't feel like blogging, it means I'm struggling with my depression.
If blogging has been good therapy for you, I encourage you to keep at it, and from a selfish standpoint, I just found your blog not that long ago and enjoy coming here. I would miss your posts.
Bottom line is, you have to do what's best for you.
You can overcome. You always do.
I blog about what "I" want to...what helps ME...and what comes to my mind and heart...not what I think readers want to read. My blogs are mainly for myself...therapy for my depression and relaxing for me as an introverted person. I post new articles to my blogs every few days or so.
I have 7 different blogs, each on a different topic. On each blog I offer links to each of my other blogs. It would be nice to think that what I write about on each blog is interesting and helpful to others...but if not, it does not matter to me. Like I said, my blog writings are for ME. I am not PRESSURED in any way to write or not write...or whether readers will WANT to read what I write.
Don't leave us! Just write what's on your heart. You're a fabulous writer. I wish I could write as well as you.
sharyna
Sir:
If you do not want a sponsor, do not worry about it. I think it is wholly your choice.
However, at least from my way of thinking, if you actually do find the AA meetings of some sort of value to you, then you *should* try to embrace the construct and tenets of their organization. Your lack of interest in a sponsor suggests to me that you may not find AA of real value for you.
I do not know if you really need AA or not. You have gone both routes and only you can decide what works best for you.
I still think that in many ways, you would feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment volunteering your services somewhere.
As a final note... How is the medication routine going? How are you handling the Klonopin? Is it helpful? Are you having success with its effects? Is your father refraining from having you consume other non-prescribed medications?
Hope you have an enjoyable day, sir. Perhaps you should dig out your pipe again?
PipeTobacco
usually when i feel like giving up blogging and i try to stop, i get an overwhelming need to go back. uh. kind of like an addiction, except it is a healthier one than most other addictions.
i think a sponsor would be a good thing for you because it is a safe way to have contact with another person. it might help with your social anxiety and it might widen your support network beyond your family and/or blog friends. not that, your family and blog friends aren't important, just helps to have someone else to call when/if needed.
Bud - it's your blog and your rules. Use it however you want/ But do post us a random Maggie pic now again so we know your still kicking around.
As I hope you know, I love your blog and would be sorry if you stopped blogging.
BUT... I also think blogging should be an enjoyable experience, done without obligation. So perhaps you could just blog when you feel like it, and if that's only once a month (or less!) we will cope. Or perhaps as Brad suggests, you could just post the odd photo so we're know you're still around and OK.
Not sure what to advise on a sponsor as it's outside my realm of experience. Could you negotiate so that you don't have to call *every* day - only have contact when you need it? I'm not sure how the system works, so I don't know if that would be appropriate. But surely the whole point is to help you keep sober, so it should be tailored to a way that will suit your needs.
I hope you and Maggie are having a good day.
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