People come and go. New generations are born everyday. There will always be others who walk in my footsteps. My time on this interesting planet will be short. I have lived 33 long years and many of them were hard. Many experiences I want to forget, but they haunt my memories. I am now entering my waning years.
I am at a time of my life when things are finally pleasant and worth living. All is right in my world. I haven’t been happier in such a long time. A settled calm overcomes me and I am resigned to my fate. I am free from all those shackles that haunted me for decades. I think it is a fitting end for a man who lived a tortured life for so long.
I am like a candle burning at both ends. I smoke heavily and have been drinking heavily as well. That is okay. I want to live these last few waning years in a manner of my choosing. I want to indulge in my bliss. I want to enjoy living to its fullest and drink deep of the nectar of life. I want to write and share my experiences. I want to walk out on cold mornings and breathe deep the cold air. I want to pitch my tent in the woods and revel in the solitude and peace that only camping affords me.
Maybe the preciousness of human life escapes me. We all have to die. For some it is sooner than later. We pass and our only continuation is through the genes of our offspring. That is something I will never experience. I will never know what it is like to be a father as my genes are not worthy of such an endeavor. I am resigned to not burden my offspring with this affliction called schizophrenia. My mother’s family is rife with mental illness and broken families. I do not want to continue that trend. I like to think I have chosen the noble way in that I have abstained from having children even though I have had many chances. I was always smart enough to know not to. I knew my limits. I knew I wouldn’t make a good father with all the burdens I carried.
My candle is still burning at both ends. I don’t think I will live for longer than three or more years. I don’t believe in an afterlife or all that religious bullshit. I will just cease to exist. My flame will extinguish and dark will prevail. I will have no legacy. I will be known as the son who was ill and with whom something was not quite right. That is all well and good. Generations will pass and I will be forgotten. I will just be a footnote in the great tome that is history. I will finally rest at peace and all my ills will be long gone.
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