Et Tu, Biscuit, Brutae?

My poor dearest Maggie.  She wanted a biscuit so very badly this morning.  I held fast, though, and she finally gave up on begging and went into the den.  She sat at my feet for a good hour looking for a handout, though.  She is such a determined little soul.  I don’t blame her.  Dog food has got to get old.  I am thinking of baking her some peanut butter dog muffins this afternoon in recompense.

I heard Charlie first this morning belying Maggie’s usually keen hearing. His new car has a very distinctive exhaust note. I looked out the den window and loudly hollered, “Charlie's here!” and Maggie came a runnin’.  She flew off the bed she was so excited.  She was joyfully barking up a storm when she looked out the window to confirm what I just said. 

In Charlie’s breakfast bag were three bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits, a hash brown, and he also got me a large soda this week with no ice.  Just like I like my soda.  I relish the soda more than I do the biscuits and hash brown.

“Only bring us two biscuits next week,” I told Charlie as I thanked him for this morning’s breakfast.

“What about Maggie’s biscuit?” he asked looking worried.

“People food is making her sick,” I replied.  “She has allergies.”

Charlie reluctantly said okay and headed to his car.

I still have plenty of Helen grilled steak left for lunch, and dad and Charlie will be by tonight for Fried Chicken Sundays and the medication ritual.   Like I said before,  it is either feast or famine around here most weeks.  Next week, I will probably be subsisting on poor man’s bologna sandwiches by the end of the week and weekend.

Just Me, Bored and Rambling…

I checked in with my parent’s this afternoon.  Dad was furiously cleaning house my mother said and my mother was sitting on the couch, drinking a diet Sunkist, and watching The Inspirational Channel.  I wanted to know my father’s wine situation which would dictate how late the medication ritual would occur.  Dad always has a few glasses of wine and falls asleep in his recliner often not waking up for hours. Mom’s afraid to wake him and send him my way.   The cleaning bodes promising for no wine imbibing. 

“You’re not watching any preaching are you?” I asked my mother curiously.

“I am hoping Walker: Texas Ranger comes on,” my irreligious mother replied.

I was watching that channel yesterday for a few moments and a preacher was wanting you to “sow a $1000 seed”.  I was hoping to watch The Walton's as mom told me that show airs on that channel.   I didn’t watch for long and headed back to the computer.  I certainly don’t have a thousand dollars to sow and it seemed rather preposterous to me that someone would do that.

Maggie is being antisocial today.  Well, actually, she is just enjoying the coldest room in the house which is the den.  I noticed her curled up on the couch as I passed the den to the kitchen to get some more ice water.  Usually, she is in whatever room I am in and that usually means on the bed with me at the computer.

It has been a week since Maggie’s had any people food and you can already tell her allergies are clearing up.   I know.  I know.  I deserved a big “I Told YOU So!”  She ate a big bowl of her kibble this morning as I was cooking breakfast.  She begged for some bacon a little bit, but it wasn’t with the zest she normally does.  She did look up at me to see if I was carrying any food, though, when I came out of the kitchen with my ice water.

I keep watching for storms today.  All the action is in south and west Alabama with storm warnings posted.  It doesn’t look like we are going to get any rain or thunder this evening.  That makes me sad, but I will get over it.

A Neat Photo From Yesterday for You Weather Lovers…

What the storm looked like out my front door at dusk, to what it looked like on radar.

See the Resemblance?

Eight Hours of Sleep and then Another Nap?

I slept all night once again, but I still felt tired this morning.  Sleeping at night has been a rough transition.  Maggie got on the bed with me and we both went sound asleep again a few hours ago.  The phone woke me or I would have slept all day.  It was Charlie.

“Do you want ketchup and mustard on your burgers?” Charlie asked me. “I grilled burgers this afternoon.”

“I would appreciate it,” I said as I then fawned all over Charlie for thinking of me.  “I don’t have any ketchup or mustard here at the house.”

“Janice made some potato salad and I am bringing you two pieces of chocolate pie,” Charlie replied. “Do you want potato chips?”

I am so spoiled rotten by my family and Charlie at times.   Mom had called me earlier saying there is still lots of steak left from Helen grilling yesterday.  I drove over and got a plate of ribeyes and two baked potatoes.  It seems I rotate from feast to famine many times. 

Before Charlie got off the phone, I told him about dad and I both saying this was the best haircut he had ever given me.

“We won’t let your hair get so long next time,” Charlie told me in closing.

“Love you,” Charlie said and I said, “bye Charlie.”

Ms. Maggie will be thrilled to death when Charlie pulls up in front of my house.

Photo credit:  http://www.knuj.net/2014/05/grilled-hamburgers/

The Nosey Neighbor…

I awoke at 6:45am to the sound of my neighbor loudly mowing her lawn outside my bedroom window.  She is a single lady probably in her late fifties/early sixties.  For the longest time, she didn’t have a car.  Friends ferried her everywhere.  Now, she has an older model Toyota RAV4 which I think is a cool car.  We always wave at each other and smile when we are in our yards.  She had two dogs and now only has one.  They’re pretty much a quiet bunch although cutting your grass at 6:45am is not very neighborly.  I understand, though, that she was trying to beat the heat.

My neighbor across the street is an orthopedic surgeon named Steven who lives in a very modest house and neighborhood.  They just bought the wife a BMW X5 like my father’s car.  He drives a brand new Audi sports sedan.  He also has a new toy – a Honda crotch rocket or motorcycle as some people call them.  We wave every time we see each other.  I know they must wonder at all the people coming and going at my house – Charlie, Helen, mom, and dad. 

My neighbors on the corner of the street have chickens and a chicken coup in the backyard which is against the law in city limits.  Nobody seems to turn them in.  I actually like to hear the hens clucking as it reminds me of my grandmother’s farm when I was growing up.   They have the most obnoxious dog ever conceived, though.  It will bark at the slightest movement of anything and it is a high pitched yappy bark.  They don’t have curtains on their windows and I can see their television and bedroom from where I sit in my computer room at the computer.  Their yard is the size of a postage stamp, but the husband still cuts it with a riding lawnmower which cracks me up at times.

Joyce’s house next door to me remains empty. Charlie says they are asking to much money for the house.  It has been four years since Joyce’s death when they moved her into the assisted living arrangement. She just seemed to give up on life.  I miss her dearly.  She was crazy as hell just like me.  We were two peas in a pod.

A Definite Deviation From the Norm…

“Helen’s got your plate fixed,” mom told me after I picked up the phone this afternoon.

“What did Helen cook?” I asked my mother anxiously.

“She grilled steaks today,” mom replied. “You have two ribeye steaks, a baked potato, and some salad with ranch dressing.”

“I’ll be right over,” I told my mother excitedly.

The steaks were cooked perfectly medium well like I like mine cooked.  Dad likes his cooked medium well also. 

Sleep! Blissful Sleep!

My father was early for the medication ritual last night arriving around 8:30pm.  Maggie and I were both extremely overjoyed.  We once again sat out on my screened in porch to administer my medications.  Thunderstorms were all around us and the outflow boundaries of those storms created a wonderfully cool breeze outside last night.  I downed my medications all at once with a swig of Sprite Zero.

“I’m giving you ten more dollars a week spending money,” my father told me.

“What brought this about?” I asked with a Cheshire grin.

I was just tickled pink.

“You’ve done so well lately that I think you deserve it and can handle the responsibility.”

Dad left and I spent a few hours on the computer growing more and more sleepy as the minutes passed.  I fell asleep in the bed at 11pm and didn’t wake up until 7am this morning.   I was just overjoyed when I looked at my alarm clock this morning realized I slept for so long.  I finally got eight hours of blissful sleep!

Mom just called me and asked what day it was and what time it was again.  Mom is going through a hard time right now.

“You go get your hair fixed at one,” I told her. “You go back to sleep.  I will call you in three hours to make sure you are up and going.”

Surprise!  It is Mother!

---

Moments after initially publishing this post, I was sitting here at this computer when I heard a car horn and Maggie started yelping and squealing gleefully meaning a family member was here.  It was mom.  I worriedly walked out to her car to see what she was doing. I expected the worst.   The car was still rolling as she tried to get out of it.

“Put your car in park,” I exclaimed to mom quickly.

She laughed and the car jerked to a stop.

“Let’s go get you that game you are wanting,” she said.

So, I drove us to Wal-Mart, got mom in a wheelchair, and headed for the electronics department.  They had one copy of World of Warcraft left for $19.97.

“Is that what you want?” mom asked me and I said yes. “That doesn’t cost very much.”

It was an excellent time to go as the store was pretty much empty at 9am. 

“You hungry?  Do you want a biscuit from McDonald’s?” I asked my mother as we headed out of Wal-Mart’s parking lot.

We stopped at Mickey D’s drive-thru and I got us both a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a small coffee.  Mom relished the breakfast.

“This was a good idea,” she said to me.

Thursday or Friday? A Game We Play…

I just called my mother so she could put out my six sodas for the day.  I told her I was on my way out the door.

“What day is it?” my mother asked.

“It’s Thursday,” I replied.

“Are you sure?” mom then asked. “I have to get my hair done on Fridays.”

“I assure you it is Thursday,” I replied. “Johnny Otis had to work today.”

“I’ll put your Cokes out,” mom said and we got off the phone.

Helen was sitting out on the back porch smoking cigarettes when I arrived at my parent’s house.

“Hey Boo!” she said with a welcoming smile.

Oh, that cigarette smoke smelled so wonderful.  I think I got a nicotine buzz just standing next to Helen.

“What are you fixing mom for lunch?” I asked Helen.

“Your momma said she wanted some chicken salad,” Helen replied.

Oh, my heart leapt up into my throat at the prospect of a chicken salad sandwich.

“I’ll fix you two sandwiches and call you when they are done,” Helen told me.

I couldn’t thank her well enough.

One of These Days…

I am going to start sleeping like a normal person again.  I went to bed around midnight and was wide awake at 5am this morning.  I moaned as I got up and put some clothes on after fruitlessly trying to go back to sleep. I know I am probably going to be dead tired by noon.  I now know first hand what “The Homeless Guy” is feeling by not getting enough sleep.

Breakfast soon followed with me scrambling some cheese eggs and frying some bacon.   I got some frozen biscuits that were recommended by my father Tuesday night and they weren’t half bad.  I ate those with butter and strawberry preserves.  Maggie earnestly begged and begged, but I didn’t give her any people food.  I put some of her dog food in a paper bowl and set it on the floor next to me as I ate at the kitchen table.  Thankfully, she quickly ate all of it and wanted more which I obliged her by getting her another bowl full.  She ate that as well.  

Dad and I sat out on my screened in porch for the medication ritual last night.  It was a beautiful evening, if not a tad bit humid, and fireflies were everywhere.  The dusk cicadas were also singing their mournful songs.  It was still twilight at 9pm.  Dad was admonishing me for letting my house get in a more disordered state than usual. 

“Oh, you don’t even clean house either,” I told my father with a hearty scoff.  “You have hired help that does it for you.  If I had Helen, my house would be spotless as well.”

After my father had left, I got to cleaning up and organizing things.  The house looked much better when I went to bed.  The main room that needed the most attention was my computer room.  Clutter tends to build up in the place I spend the most time.  Sprite cans, candy wrappers, and computer software were strewed everywhere.  The software went on a shelf and the rest went in the trash.

Photo credit:  http://southbyse.com/2012/04/16/strawberry-lemon-thyme-jam/

Careful Where You Tread…

The waters may be deep and you might get in over your head very quickly.

“The airbag light in my Honda came on the other day,”  mom told me with a frown while I was over at their house putting in dad’s headlight bulb.

She looked consternated. 

A rational mother would accept the reply that the light means the airbag needs servicing as soon as possible and may not go off in an accident.  Not my mother.  Mom would obsess and drive my father completely crazy if I told her something like that.  She would bug him till he drove the car to a Honda dealership that day.

“It just means you need to get the car serviced sometime in the next few weeks,” I told her. “Just don’t drive it a whole lot.”

She was happy with the answer and turned around and went back inside through the garage.

“You were quick on your feet with that answer,” my father said looking relieved.  “I froze when she asked you that.”

Dad was amazed at how I changed his headlight bulb.  Mom and dad now have wireless internet which reaches pretty far out into the yard.  I used dad’s iPad to watch a video that walked me through the process.

“That’s neat you knew to do that,” dad told me.

I can probably reset mom’s airbag warning light as well.  I will tackle that tomorrow.  There are videos online showing you how to do it. If it comes on again, then we will take it to the dealership. 

Photo credit:  http://www.civicforums.com/forums/114-electrical/337041-diy-reset-srs-airbag-light-video.html

World of WarCraft Woes…

The copy of WarCraft I have is about five years old. I played for a few weeks, but couldn’t concentrate on games at the time due to my mental illness.  I am playing via the free starter edition downloaded off the web now and can actually play which is exciting.  It was a 29GB download and it is only good till you reach level 20.   Well, the starter edition will not accept the game license on my old version of the game.  That means I have to buy another copy of the game.  Hopefully, I can make it to Wal-Mart today to get an updated copy.  I will see if my father will go with me after we fix his car while we are out and about.  I need a support group to make it through Wal-Mart.

Photo Credit:   http://www.gamespot.com/articles/next-world-of-warcraft-expansion-may-be-warlords-of-draenor/1100-6415928/

Muddle in the Middle…

I spent $83 dollars last night grocery shopping. Gasp!  I was surprised when my father didn’t say a word about it. He just smiled at the clerk and swiped the debit card to my disability account as he entered the PIN number.  $85 dollars is my theoretical limit, but my father prefers I keep it in the sixties and the seventies dollar wise.  One of these days, I am going to have enough money to spend whatever I want on groceries.

I was out of everything, though, this week.  Especially my coveted and cherished breakfast foods. I also got enough fixings to make spaghetti and meat sauce twice this week.  It seems I am obsessed with that dish.  My recipe makes enough to feed an army.  Surprisingly, Maggie will not eat spaghetti with meat sauce.  I assume it is all the tomatoes, but she will turn up her nose to it.  I’ve seriously, honestly been trying to wean her off people food, but it is tough.  She can do some hardcore vocal begging and she constantly watches as I come out of the kitchen to see if I am eating something. 

I’m back to sleeping at night and staying up all day.  It has been a rough transition let me tell you.  I feel tired all the time.   Midnight will roll around and I will make myself get off the computer and go lay down after turning down the thermostat to get it cool in the house. Maggie thinks it is the best thing since sliced bread my going to bed at a decent time. She will get on the bed and curl up next to me after a round of nightly preening. Last night, she was trying to lick my hair – Maggie’s version of a salon appointment.  I giggled like a little school girl and made her quit by pushing her farther down on the bed.

The only thing on the agenda today is fixing dad’s headlight on his Honda CR-V. One of the bulbs is blown and he fears a ticket from the police. He also had trouble driving home from Kroger last night having to use his high beams when he could.   I am going to AutoZone to buy a new bulb and install it. Dad is going to pick me up around 11am and we are going to grab some lunch after I fix the bulb. My father is dubious as to how easy it is to install.  He thinks we need to take it to a mechanic. I assured him it will take me five minutes to change it and it will save him at least $20 to $40 dollars by doing it ourselves. 

Photo credit:  http://tuffkidsadventure.com/how-to-make-spaghetti-with-meat-sauce/

Thunder Over the Chattahoochee…

We’ve just had a typical popup thunderstorm build up to our west.  It is thundering loudly in the distance.  I live for these kinds of Southern summer afternoons. I check the radar online every few minutes and get excited.

A Very, Very Busy Day…

I had a psychiatrist’s appointment yesterday at lunch.  I had been dreading it for days.  Dad had a lot on the agenda and was worried I couldn’t handle it all as we headed to Auburn.

“We can give it my best try,” I said nervously unsure of myself.

So the head shrink appointment was first. We didn’t have to wait long thankfully. My biggest pet peeve is doctors who are not on time. The doctor tried to change my medications and my father immediately intervened.  He wanted to take me off my nightly dose of Risperdal.  Dr. Edwards acquiesced and wrote the prescription.  

Then, we went to Best Buy so I could get a World of WarCraft two month game time card which was $29.99.  We then went to Lowes to look for some flower pots my father had been needing.  Next was lunch at Western Sizzlin.  I got a delicious 14oz flamekist ribeye steak and a salad with lots of croutons, bacon bits, and just drenched in blue cheese dressing like I like it.  Next, we went to WOW! to get my father a new digital cable box.  Our last stop was to get our car tags renewed.  My very last task was to hook up my parent’s new cable box and get them back online.  Boy, was I tired and pooped out.

Well, I came home and completely crashed in the bed after all that.  Dad arrived at my house ready to go buy groceries around 9pm and I was far too groggy to go so we are going tonight. We performed our nightly medication and Maggie rituals and I crashed in the bed again.  Dad did run down to McDonald’s and got me three quarter pounders with cheese so I would have something to eat other than dog food.  lol

Photo credit:   http://weeklyups.com/blizzard-denies-a-free-version-of-world-of-warcraft/world-of-warcraft-characters/

Dissociative Days…

“What in the holy hell is wrong with you?” George asked me last night worried.

George just got finished calling me a “space cadet”. We had just been to an all-you-can-eat catfish establishment. My treat as George sat in the car as I drove us home. We both ate our weight in fried catfish, hush puppies, fries, and slaw.  George had been wanting to go since he got out of jail – one of his favorite restaurants.

“Dissociative behavior,” I replied as George lit up a cigar and buckled his seat belt.

“Dissociative what???” George asked alarmed as he turned to glare at me.

“I feel like I am having an out of body experience,” I told George as I pulled into Mrs. Florene’s driveway. “It is like I am all not completely here in myself.”

George frowned and told me to go home and go to sleep.

“Take three or four of your Klonopin!” he told me as he got out of the car. “And get some rest. Your stressed out!”

I didn’t go home. My uncle recently gave me a Kim Richey compact disc Bitter Sweet and I have been obsessed with it – listening to it over and over. One of the best CDs I have heard in decades.  Every song on the CD has merit.  I drove way out Spring Road to just sit and look at the stars last night where it intersects with the dirt Smedley road. Far out from the glare of the city street lights. It was a surreal experience and it reminded me of all the lonesome nights I spent in college doing the same as I sat drinking beer and smoking cigarettes lost on the back roads of the outskirts of Montevallo, Alabama.

I finally did come home around midnight anxious to check our updated forecast. The weather has also been an all encompassing obsession with me lately with big changes in store for us finally.  I was also anxiously awaiting Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell tonight. Art is rarely on these days and it is treat for dyed in the wool Coast to Coast fans. He was having a psychic witch name Dr. Evelyn Paglini on to interview. I wasn’t disappointed.  It was like the Coast to Coast of old – the Coast to Coast I have so missed these days as it becomes more and more mainstream and milquetoast.

I don’t have any plans for today my day and night off. I will most likely spend it sleeping as usual to escape this dissociative feeling I am experiencing for the past two days. Sleep has become the great escape and I worry I am growing depressed. I have felt completely odd the whole week with each passing day growing easier and better. Last weekend was hard.  It was like those mental illness trials of old. George calling me a space cadet was an ample description of how I’ve been feeling lately – totally spaced out. 

Well, I am off to turn my air down to seventy, pull on a plethora of quilts atop me, and go to bed before dawn arrives.

High Strangeness…

I didn’t feel well yesterday. I slept well. I just woke up feeling mentally discombobulated – a high strangeness that is hard to put words to paper. Mom realized something was wrong when I didn’t come pick up my drinks for yesterday. She brought them by late in the afternoon along with Maggie’s and Caramel’s flea treatment and heartworm medications.

“Are you okay?” mom asked as I answered the door. “You have a strange look on your face.”

“I feel confused,” I told her as she came inside to sit down for a moment.

I haven’t quit taking my Risperdal. I still take 2mg in the mornings before bed. I am also still taking the Paxil. The only difference lately in my habits is that I have been drinking caffeinated drinks again for the first time in many weeks. I will just chalk it up to the mental strangeness I have always experienced from time to time over the years. It is kind of disconcerting in a way that I don’t want to be mentally ill and I don’t want to experience these kinds of symptoms. My first inclination is to stop taking the Risperdal feeling that is the culprit.

It is nothing of the high strangeness mentally I have experienced in the past, though. I could go for weeks and just barely function in some of the harder times of my life. I am still able to go about my day as usual. I have just been acting strangely lately.  Like sitting for hours on the couch just looking out the window. No TV. No music. The hours will just fly by.  For years, on all those medications I couldn’t sit still. Maybe I am still adjusting chemically to all the drastic changes my psychiatrist and I have made lately. I am set to see her next Wednesday and will discuss this sudden arise of strangeness with her. 

Going Through the Motions…

I haven’t had much to say lately. Just going through the motions of life. Work. Occasional play in that I am obsessed with music these days with a passion. I’ve been sleeping much better without aid than I have in months. Too much sleep would be what my psychiatrist would tell me.  In my all or nothing fashion I tend to go from one extreme to the other.  

George was sitting in my den last night asking me if we could find a way on the Internet to take off his ankle monitoring device so he could have a drink. I smiled as George went on and on about how “uncomfortable” it is and that it is “embarrassing” to wear. George is still up to his usual antics. I told him he only has about five more months and then it will be off. Give his mother five months of peace. George went on to discuss how great the sex with Pookie has been lately. It made me throw up in my  mouth a little bit as he said it.  I’ve said this many times before, but Pookie is the only crack addict I have ever met that is a hundred pounds overweight. George calls most crack addict women “chickenheads” as they are so skinny and their adam’s apples are so pronounced as their heads bob as they walk.  Of all the women available in the world, George has to pick the only overweight crack addict in the state of Alabama to do the horizontal tango with on a regular basis.  They are like the Bonnie and Clyde of the netherworld.  

Stacey and I are pretty much over with. To be explicitly honest, I was tired of the constant badgering. She grew too codependent on me.  Also, the whole deal with her children made me uncomfortable. I know it will be hard to find a woman my age without children, but I am going to wait and try.  Stacey was also ten years my junior and she still has a lot of growing up to do.  Life still has a few more lessons for her to be even tempered and even keeled.  I grew tired of the constant drama and would rather be alone.  I have grown rather comfortable over these past few years since Rosa and I broke up – comfortable in my bachelorhood. 

Work is still going well. I have settled in this comfortable routine every night.  I couldn’t have found myself in a better shift as far as easing myself back into working with the public and working in retail. It is so quiet at night and I spend much of my time just doing busy work. Stocking shelves mainly. I only have just a handful of customers after midnight and these people tend to be people who either work third shift or sleep in the day.

My father and I rarely talk which is pretty normal. Mom and I talk everyday. Lately, mom has started adding two extra drinks such as diet Sunkist to the six diet Cokes I pick up every morning. She adds these along with a treat such as a snack for the dogs or a snack for me.  I go by after work to pick them up and bring them home to drink them before going to bed. The caffeine doesn’t faze me as far as being able to sleep goes. It never has.

I’ve struggled with that anxiety more lately than I have in months. I don’t know what has changed, but have had the occasional anxiety attack this week. Thankfully, none at work, but they always happen late in the evenings after I have slept all day. I just have to get really quiet and lay on the bed for about an hour until they pass.  Strangely, sometimes they can be almost intoxicating – this strange sensation my body is feeling. I have always enjoyed feeling out of the ordinary or abnormal.  Thus my dabbles with mind altering substances over the years.  It is when they get out of hand do I grow scared.  I have kind of learned to temper them in a way that they are not so severe.  They don’t halt life like they did many months ago when I could barely function.

Well, it is about time for my supervisor to show up for work. I am going to shut down this laptop and get ready to head home. I am looking forward to grabbing some breakfast at a fast food joint and a newspaper, and heading home to get my diet Cokes.  Then sleep will follow.  I will try to get back on a regular writing basis again.

It Starts With the Heart…

“How many loaves of bread are you getting today?” mom asked me when it started.

I had been feeling shaky all morning. I came home from work and took a 2 and 1/2 hour nap and woke up feeling panicked. I shouldn’t have gone. I clutched my chest as mom looked up at my lack of response.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I am starting to have an anxiety attack,” I told her, asking for the keys to her car.

The grocery store was very busy was part of it. I felt claustrophobic and closed in within the narrow, crowded aisles. Mom was also asking me a hundred questions today as is her custom and it wasn’t helping matters. I just felt totally overwhelmed.

“Go sit in the car and I will buy your groceries,” mom told me. “I pretty much know what you like.”

I raced out to the car at a furious pace, cranking it and turned on the A/C to high. I leaned back in the seat and began to breathe in and out deeply through my nose as my heart thumped in my chest.

“You’re going to be okay,” I told myself reassuringly. “Nobody ever died from a panic attack. This too shall pass.”

It didn’t take mom long to buy my groceries much to my relief. It is always interesting what whims motivate her in what she will buy me. It is kind of like a potluck supper in that you get some interesting surprises when you arrive home to unload. I think mom buys me what looks appetizing to her at the time.

I was so glad to arrive home to my Mag dawg and Caramel. I quickly unloaded my groceries. Put them away. Then I took a Klonopin and settled into my Laz-E-Boy for the pill to take effect. You can almost mark your watch as it will take exactly thirty minutes and then suddenly my heart will quit racing as the medication enters my bloodstream. It is such a feeling of calm and relief as if you just passed the finish line running a marathon. These anxiety attacks really take a lot out of you mentally and physically as your body struggles to cope with this odd and strange malfunction.     

Cycles…

Mom stayed over at my house all day Saturday. Dad went to the Auburn ballgame after watching football all morning. Mom cycles. She is on one of her low ebbs at the moment and is sleeping a lot. How she can just lie in the bed for hours all day after sleeping all night is beyond me. I kind of cycled myself and slept a lot as well – not leaving me with much to write about. It was the sleep of ages for me – having got caught up on some much needed and missed sleep after a few weeks of getting adjusted to working nights.

Work is very slow tonight. I’ve had one customer in hours and he was just a gawker, gawking at all our television display models. I hate to answer a hundred questions and not make a sale. It seems like such a waste of time, but maybe he will be back to buy a TV tomorrow sometime.  

The store is dead from midnight to about 6am. We close off the sundry side doors leaving only the grocery side doors open and I think this confuses people with them thinking we are closed. We only have one point of sale open tonight and it is a very big Wal-Mart so that shows you how slow we are tonight.

George told me yesterday that his job was the most boring, monotonous job he had ever had.

“Would you rather be sitting in jail?” I asked him, miffed.

“No,” George replied. “That puts things into perspective.” 

The Gossip Line…

“George is having sex with that Pookie again,” Mrs. Florene told me last night before work.

The way she said it made me choke back a laugh. She sounded as if George was cavorting with Satan and it is not far from the truth.

“She picked him up yesterday and they were gone for hours.”

I sighed and told Mrs. Florene that George was a grown man and must make these kinds of choices for himself. 

Mrs. Florene was also really upset that George chose to go to his usual Saturday night poker game where there would lots of drinking going on. George is playing with fire, but I can’t say much as I have often done so in my life as well. You live and you learn as they say.

Arise From the Dead and Go Forth My Minions…

“I am craving a hotdog and some tots,” I told mom late Saturday night, rousing her from the bed in my computer room. “Let’s go to Sonic.”

Mom immediately perked up at the prospect. Mom wanted a chocolate shake really badly foregoing her diet this weekend night.

“I would eat like this all the time,” mom told me as we sat in her car and ate. “I’d weigh 500 pounds, though.”

I smiled. Our meal was delicious and mom enjoyed getting out after being inside all day with me sleeping. She said she didn’t sleep, but just lay there all day. I have my suspicions we might have got a few naps in. :-)

Neither a Borrower Nor Lender Be They Say…

“Can I borrow $20 bucks?” George asked me as he arrived at work this morning.

“What for?” I asked warily, sounding like my father.

“It’s for sodas and lunch,” George replied. “Momma is being chitzy with her money fearing I will drink on it. I can’t wait for payday.”

I pulled out my wallet and gave George $20 bucks. He thanked me profusely and headed back out to get busy bringing in the carts.

I think Mrs. Florene and I are both warily anticipating payday – fearing George will go back to his old ways. A pretty new liquor store opened up just a mile from Mrs. Florene’s house and it both worries us. George could easily walk down and get a drink. It would be a matter of days before his parole officer downloaded the data off his monitoring device and it would be a go back to jail free card for him – violating parole.

Video Game Mania…

I had a man walk in my department around midnight. He spent a long time surveying the video game cabinet.

“I hear the Wii is for kids,” he told me passingly.

I disagreed, telling him all about the Wii fit and other “party” games that were popular for adults.

“I like the Zelda games personally,” I told him. “And I am 38 years old.”

Halo Reach has been our biggest seller this week – causing a frenzy among Xbox 360 gamers. Just another first person shooter in a video game market glutted with them is my thoughts on the matter. What happened to flight simulators and strategy games? Games that made you think and learn? Not just “twitch” games as I call them.

The man purchased a Playstation 3 and about four games. I told him that soon Sony would be rolling out controllers and capabilities similar to Nintendo’s Wii. He was excited to get home to play. He must have been in his forties which surprised me. I am finding myself having to put in a concerted effort to keep up with video game technology and happenings with me not playing regularly, and they are a big part of our department. 

Sleep, Beautiful Sleep…

I unplugged my landline, turned off my cellphone and I curled up in the bed with Maggie and Caramel after lunch yesterday. It had been about an hour since I had taken the Percogesic dad gave me yesterday morning. I was soundly asleep for hours. I woke up only once when Maggie decided that the room had grown cold and she wanted up under the covers and against my warm back.  I smiled and told her, “Good girl!” and was soon back asleep. The Percogesic made me feel groggy for the rest of the day, though. I could have slept much longer if I wasn’t for my bladder and stomach protesting around 8pm.

I turned back on my cellphone and immediately within moments had a call. I am glad I had turned it off. It was mom.

“Did you get some sleep?” mom asked anxiously. “Helen told me not to bring your plate and it worried me.”

“I finally got a good seven hours of sleep,” I told her.

“I am going to drive over now and bring your supper and your cokes,” mom told me getting off the phone.

Helen’s Friday meal was delicious as I sat in the kitchen and ate as mom watched on and talked.   The meatloaf was especially flavorful – Helen having cooked it to perfection. It was a very nice treat after such a good day of rest. I was starving when I awoke.

“I dread tomorrow so much,” mom said with a very audible sigh.

“Why?” I asked, always amused at my mother’s antics and whims.

“Your father is off of work and will watch football ALL day!”

I laughed deeply, understanding how mom felt.

“It’s not funny!” mom exclaimed. “He will just obsess over it and the TV will be so loud it will drive me crazy. I am probably coming over here with you and the dogs to sleep.”

I smiled and told her we would be glad to have her. It would thrill Maggie’s little soul to lie in the bed all day with mom. Maggie loves mom’s visits more than any other person that visits the house.  Caramel is much more aloof about such matters.

Sleep Overcome Me!

I just apprehensively drove to my father’s pharmacy feeling it was best to do what I was about to do face to face instead of on the phone. I needed relief and I needed it today. Friday’s are dad’s slow day with a co-pharmacist on duty. Mom says he sits in his office on the Internet and watching TV. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to ask for help in getting some sleep. The Ambien is just not working any longer and my Klonopin are like taking a placebo.

“Dad?” I asked as we walked out into the pharmacy away from the busy counter. “Do you have any thing over the counter I can take for sleep?”

“We both know you can’t take Benadryl,” dad replied as we surveyed all our options where the OTC medications are kept. “You’ve have addiction issues with it in the past. Tylenol PM and Advil PM all have Benadryl in them as the active sleep ingredient. 25mg of it.”

For years, dad gave me six Benadryl per night during our medication ritual. I would take all six and go to bed. It certainly did knock me out, but I don’t think taking six Benadryl at a time is such a good idea and not my most smartest of moments over the years.

“Let’s give you two Percogesic and take some Tylenol and aspirin,” dad finally said. “Now, the Percogesic is going to knock you out. Don’t take them and drive.”

I thanked dad profusely and gave him a hug. I would just about do anything for a full day’s sleep including going against my best inclinations and asking dad for help. Let’s hope the Percogesic do the trick.

Macaroni and Cheese Time…

I left the pharmacy and stopped by mom and dad’s to get my six diet Cokes for the day to put in the fridge for tonight at work. Helen was sitting out on the porch and drinking her a soda. It is Helen Fridays and i was anxious to find out just what Helen was cooking today.

“Your father surprised me,” Helen told me. “He wanted meat loaf, macaroni and cheese, fried okra, field peas and biscuits.”

Oh, my stomach started to grumble. I couldn’t wait for today’s meal to be ready this afternoon. Helen’s meat loaf and macaroni and cheese are divine!

“Tell mom not to wake me up!” I told Helen profusely. “Tell her I will pick up my plate when I wake up this afternoon.”

“I sure will, baby,” Helen replied. “Well, Mr. John will be home at three to eat so I better get cooking.”

Helen gave me a hug and told me to go home and get some good sleep. She said she would be thinking about me today. I told her I loved her and left to take my medications and go to bed. It is time to snuggle with my pups and go to sleep – the Percogesic I took thirty minutes ago already taking affect. I am about so sleepy I can barely stay awake.

I Guess It’s Over…

Stacey came storming into the house last night saying we needed to talk. I knew exactly what that meant when a woman says that.

“This is just not going to work,” she told me with a furious look on her face. “I never get to see you and when I do, you are sleepy and tired.”

“What can I do about it?” I asked, flummoxed. “I have to go to work! I have to support myself!”

“I think we need some time to just think about where YOU want to take things!”

“Fine,” I said complacently and she left after staying only a few moments.

I had already cooked supper and set the table. I sat and ate alone last night. I guess it’s over. I haven’t heard from her since. I am thinking I jumped into a relationship too soon into my recovery anyway. I felt an odd sense of relief last night at the possibility of no longer being badgered about our relationship for a change. I am just going to lie low and put the ball in Stacey’s court. Let her do what she will. Mentally and anxiety-wise, I can’t take any fights or arguments. I have enough on my plate at the moment for the time being with work.

Cellphones Galore…

I have to work again tonight and the overtime will be nice. I didn’t complain or balk when my supervisor asked me to work six days in a row once again. Nights are boring without work – with me just sitting at home alone all night with nothing to do, but use the Internet and watch TV.  Most of my Twitter friends are asleep and Facebook is a wasteland after midnight.

Cellphones kept me busy last night. Everyone was wanting our new low cost plans and phones. I am urged to sell the most cellphone for the most money, but I am like these people and realize I spent too much money on my Crackberry and an expensive data plan. I should’ve bought something more simple and economical. These new Wal-Mart branded phones we are selling have few bells and whistles, though, so are not for the tech savvy consumer. They are just for people who only casually and intermittently use their phones – not for the power user.  They are mainly for very frugal people and low income families. I think it is a good thing our company is doing and so good for competition in a cellphone market glutted with expensive phones and outrageous service plans.

A Political Animal…

“I am hoping we can get another tax cut,” Jim told me last night eating his turkey and Swiss on rye. “Be sure to vote coming up!”

“Oh, I am the kind of person you don’t want to vote,” I replied with a warm smile and laugh. “I believe in taxes and think we must pay our part to help the common good. I just wish the money was spent wisely and not on the military and wars. I think the tax system needs to be reformed, though. Our tax code is over 70,000 pages long! I would like to see a flat tax or a national sales tax.”

“What would you spend the money on if you were President?” Jim asked.

“Education and economic stimulus for family owned businesses,” I replied. “I would bolster the middle class and do away with welfare for corporations.”

“But you work for one of the biggest, most profitable corporations in our country,” Jim said contrarily.

“I know,” I replied. “It is a bit of irony with my unorthodox political and socioeconomically interesting leanings, but it was an economic necessary evil for me.”

Update on George…

George’s keen sense of humor has seemed to have returned after his long tenure in prison. This morning he was talking about all the women he was going to bed in the upcoming months before Christmas. I laughed as I walked alongside of him as he pushed in a long string of carts. I realize my best friend can be kind of simple minded at times – the most basic human needs and aspirations motivating him. 

“You need to experience a black woman at least once in your life,” George told me.

I smiled as I told him I think I was with a black woman once sexually, but was too drunk to remember it.

“That doesn’t count,” George said with a serious look on his face. “You would have remembered it as a good black woman would knock your socks off!”

I burst out laughing and told George I was always open to possibilities.

Look Out! It’s Mom on the Road!

“My new car is making a strange noise when I take the key out of the ignition to get out,” mom said on the phone last night worried, afraid to tell my father. “It’s a buzzing sound. It has been doing it all afternoon. I was almost afraid to drive it all day today.”

I was due for work in an hour, but decided to drive over anyway – worried something was bad wrong with mom’s new Civic. Mom had the garage door up and ready for me when I arrived. I immediately knew what the problem was when I pulled up behind mom’s parked car. Her parking lights were on and the buzzing sound was the car telling her she left her lights on when she took her key out.

“Don’t tell your father!” mom pleaded with me. “I feel so stupid! I can’t believe I had left the lights on. I don’t remember turning them on. They must have been on all day!”

Earlier in the day, mom and I took a long drive down through the Valley again as has become our daily custom after my therapy appointment. She came within inches of slamming into a big Dodge Ram truck. It would have been an airbag moment. 

“Holy Shit!” I exclaimed as mom swerved to miss it. “That was so close!”

My heart was just racing a hundred miles an hour after the incident.  Mom’s hands were shaking violently as she gripped the steering wheel. It seems mom is not going to be able to drive much longer – at least not extended visits through the traffic in town. She will be 66 this March. I am going to drive her to Connie’s down in Auburn next week fearing her driving that long drive down the interstate would prove disastrous. Hopefully, she will still be able to drive to her three hair appointments each week with them being just a half mile from home.  But dad and I are going to have to make a more concerted effort at getting her around. This means lots of doctor’s appointments and waiting in lobbies. I could always just drop her off and she could call me on her cellphone when she is ready to come home I guess. I am also going to do all the driving on our daily trips through the Valley from now on.

Getting Into My Mind…

“Today is the first day I have felt anxiety in over a week,” I told my Therapist somewhat proudly yesterday morning during our therapy session.

“What’s the big change today?” she asked as she studiously looked over my anxiety workbook carefully and all my short notations for this week and last.

“The stress of getting all the way down here,” I replied, feeling that was the most likely culprit. “It is a long drive and the traffic was just absolutely crazy coming down the interstate and within Auburn. I wish you were closer. I don’t much care for driving these days.”

“That’s understandable and normal,” she said as she closed my workbook and folded her hands in her lap.

“So, what else is going on with you?” she asked, trying to lead the conversation after a lull.

“Insomnia,” I replied, exasperated. “I am having the most awful and terrible time sleeping. I sleep in spurts for about three hours at a time, then I am up wide awake again. I repeat this throughout the day. I constantly feel tired not getting eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.”

I told her I am still taking my Ambien which makes me feel groggy somewhat, but I fear I have grown chemically resistant to the Klonopin – those pills doing nothing for me as far as rest goes. They used to make me feel so relaxed and comfortable.  I would enjoy lying in the bed as I felt them take effect. Now, I feel nothing when I take my three for the day as I go to bed. We both agreed to talk to my doctor at the end of September at my next appointment. It is common to grow resistant to benzodiazepines she told me.

“How is your new position going?” she then asked very inquisitively and eagerly after I told her about my new job.

“I love it!” I replied very honestly with much enthusiasm. “I love working nights. My job is very stress free. The night’s are so quiet. I have a passion for electronics and enjoy sharing it with my customers – the few I have.”

“Well, that certainly helps to love your job,” my therapist replied with a smile of encouragement. “You have come so far since our first visits. You’re one of my success stories.”

That made me feel so good with her saying that.

I left therapy for my usual custom of breakfast at Hardee’s as I browsed the web wirelessly with my iPad as I sat and ate – those two steak biscuits being a delicious treat. 

iPad Ruminations…

Don’t worry Apple fans, I am still enjoying my iPad as an internet browsing machine and a media server. I also use it a lot to keep up with the weather for which I am obsessed with, but it is no substitute for my laptop as far as computing at work goes. My favorite use for my iPad is to lay in bed and browse – it being so small, light and convenient. I can’t blog with it, though, I have found which is one of my primary computer uses these days. I realize it is just a very expensive toy. This is an observation and not a criticism mind you. It will never replace my desktop or my laptop for most of my daily computer uses since I am a power user as far as computers go.

Free HDTV!

I clocked in tonight and immediately made a purchase of my own. I purchased a digital optical toslink cable for my HDTV after learning last night I could still get my basic HDTV channels without my cable box. I was overjoyed last night when I reprogrammed my HDTV and it picked up many digital channels that the cable company must allow for free by law since they are available over the air with an antenna. I can’t wait to get home to see if I have Dolby digital surround sound with the channels and the digital optical hookup.

Work has been slow other than that. I’ve had a few people browsing cellphones tonight and asking lots of questions about service plans. These plans are commitments and can get expensive. That’s why the phones are so cheap to purchase. The cell companies make all their money on the service plans which subsidizes the cost of all but the most popular and expensive phones.

One man asked me a question that stumped me about his Charter digital cable service. I have Knology at home and have no idea about Charter. I told him to call his cable company when he got home. He wanted to know if his digital cable had Dolby digital surround sound. I told him I doubted it from my own experiences with Knology’s digital cable. Only the HDTV channels had true surround sound. The digital channels would be in stereo, but it would only be Dolby Pro Logic surround – a big difference from Dolby digital which is true 5.1 surround.

Dating and Women…

Jim showed up on his lunch break at three as usual.

“You always make me so hungry with those deli sandwiches,” I told him with a smile as I rung him up. “They look delicious!”

“What’s going on with you tonight?” Jim asked.

“The usual,” I replied. “Stocking items and cleaning and straightening shelves.”

“That’s my job,” Jim told me. “That’s what I do for eight hours every night in the grocery department. I loathe it!”

We didn’t discuss politics or religion tonight much to my relief. We talked about women for a change, and it was a nice change.

“I’ve never been married,” he told me. “But I’ve dated a lot of women.”

I can’t imagine a woman being interested in Jim. To be frank, he is quite frumpy and disheveled looking every night. I guess there is a woman for every man it seems. I smiled at the thought of some of the women Jim might have dated over the years.

My dating life has been put on hold for the time being with me working nights. Stacey is entirely not happy with it either. We do try to get together every night for supper which I prepare, but we don’t get to go out to eat which she so adores. She misses us sleeping nights together as well and our nightly ritual of lying in the bed as we browse the web. I don’t know much what to do about it, but hope for the best. Maybe a position in days will open up in the next few months, but I am not getting my hopes up. I doubt Derrick will be quitting soon. He has worked in electronics for years.

An Email from a Reader…

Hi Jonathon,
I've been a long-time reader but don't comment much.

I wonder if you can give me some advice?  It is computer/web-site related.

Recently my grandson stayed with me for about a month. While here, he found this website:

http://www.letbobwatchthis.org/index.php?sort=featured&page=8

and he watched about 4 scary/zombie type movies on it and a couple new movies that are still in the theaters at this time.  He said he did not download anything, did not join anything....no names exchanged, no passwords required.....but he enjoyed the movies in their entirety, although some of them weren't the best quality. I have excellent virus protection as well as a firewall and it did permit him to go there.  I've scanned my system several times since and I did not pick up any viruses or spyware from the site.

My question is......Can this be legal?  My dad always told me "there is no free lunch" and I am suspicious. Remember all the trouble those people got into from songs on Napster?  My grandson says its "streaming" and since you're not downloading anything and only watching without keeping it, its not illegal.  Is this true?  Do you know?  I'm afraid to go back there.

Thanks for any help you can give me. I love reading your blog.....you are such an inspiration to so many. Do you have any idea how many people look up to you?  God Bless you and yours.

Reader, your dad was right. There is no free lunch and this website is doing this illegally. If it is too good to be true, then it probably is.  Since it is streaming, you are less likely to get sued than the offending website. You just can’t own a copy of the movies in question. 

This brings me to something I have been saying for years – that these media companies have got to start making these movies and music easily available online for purchase to skirt piracy. I quit downloading music illegally when iTunes arrived on the scene. It was convenient and economical. Anytime I wanted an album or song, I could easily go to iTunes and download it. It was easier than searching on Pirate Bay and going through bittorrent to download it for free. That whole piracy process was a hassle and it stopped when I had an easily viable way to get music on the Internet at .99 cents per song.

Internet Explorer 9 Beta Started Yesterday…

The beta for IE9 started yesterday. You can download it at Microsoft’s homepage. So far, I like it. It is a much quicker and more responsive browser than IE8 or IE7. Hopefully, Microsoft will be as adept at updating as Mozilla is about Firefox. I tried to like Firefox, but found the download manager entirely not to my liking. 

A Taste of Fall…

“It’s cold as a witches’ tit outside!” George was saying this morning as he walked into electronics.

I was busy putting away boxes of new DVDs and Blu-Rays that just had arrived. I pulled out my Crackberry and browsed to my favorite weather source and the temperature said 58 degrees.

“Ah fall,” I mused mainly to myself.

George was entirely not dressed for this weather – having on a t-shirt under his smock and some light pants. I gave him the keys to my car and told him to go get the pullover I had put in the trunk the previous evening just for such occasions. He thanked me and left.

It was slow night at work. I only had a handful of customers all night. I spent most of yesterday sleeping after working on the template for my blog for a few hours. I keep trying new templates hoping I will find one i will like – never being content with the status quo. 

Yesterday morning, mom and I went for another ride. She had yet another doctor’s appointment – one of the countless many she has every month. This got her out of the house early. We stopped by Fat Albert’s to get drinks and snacks – her having already been by my father’s pharmacy for certain items and she was afraid to make another visit for more drinks fearing it would upset my father.

“I know my driving scares you,” mom told me as we toodled down busy highway 29 at 25mph – cars whizzing past us at a furious pace.

I smiled, but didn’t share my most obvious thoughts that mom drives like she is eighty years old. I was just content to sit in the passenger’s seat as I drank my diet Mountain Dew and ate a mini pecan pie.

“Your therapy session is tomorrow,” mom then told me having checked my healthcare calendar before she left to pick me up.

I wonder what I will talk about at therapy today. I have been studiously keeping my anxiety workbook updated – my anxiety levels being almost nonexistent these days. I fear we won’t have much to talk about with things being very quiet lately mentally and both with my family. 

Dixsby…

I found an awesome new program yesterday that helps organize all your social media outlets, IMs, and email. It is called Dixsby and so far it is working perfectly both on my laptop and my main computer. You can check it out here. I am connected to so much social media these days and Dixsby makes it easy to organize it all with a single program.

As far as social media goes, I still have misgivings about Facebook. It is just frankly boring. It seems out of the many friends I have most are gawking and not writing content. People spend more time changing their profile pictures than actually writing about their lives. My brother said when he was in town a few weeks ago the he was too shy to post to Facebook. Maybe this is how many feel. I am finding I had to change the way I used and viewed Facebook to make it a viable social media outlet for me. I have followed a lot of sites like Mashable and am mainly using it as a news aggregator and a way to let my friends know I have updated my two blogs. 

A Man of My Own Heart…

“Can I help you?” I asked enthusiastically as a young man walked into my department around midnight.

“I need help!” the young man said with a warm smile. “I want a small LCD television and want to hook up all my televisions and cable Internet in one room using the single cable line coming in from the floor.”

“I can help you with that!” I replied, getting to work.

We walked over to the aisle with all the cables. I got him a five way 2400 MHz cable splitter and plenty of RG-6 shielded cable line – perfect for keeping the integrity of his cable Internet signal.

“What kind of TV are you looking for?” I then asked as we walked over to all the display models.

“Something around 27 inches to 32 inches,” he said. “I don’t mind spending money. I want something nice with high definition capability.”

I explained to him the pros and cons of some of our models and we finally decided on a Sharp 32” model. He was pleased and so was I to be able to help. It is customers like this that make my job a joy – sharing my enthusiasm for all things electronic.

“Can I hook up my iPod to my home theater?” he then asked.

“That is easy!” I replied as we walked back over to the cable aisle and I showed him the cable he needed.

“I can’t wait to get home and get this all hooked up!” he replied with an enthusiasm that warmed my heart.

The sale was over $600 dollars and he put it on his Visa card.

A Moderate Am I…

“What are your political leanings?” Jim asked me tonight as he ate his sandwich at my counter.

I’ve been very obtuse about my politics with regards to Jim – choosing just to stay incognito.

“I am a moderate,” I finally replied.

“Is there even a moderate party?” Jim asked.

“If there are Libertarians, then I am sure there is a moderate party,” I replied.

“Why choose a party that will never get in office?” he asked. “It is a wasted vote.”

“No vote is ever wasted,” was my reply. “I believe in meeting in the middle in compromise. The extremes of our two party system are what is wrong with modern politics in America. We can never come to a consensus.”

I gave Jim much food for thought. He didn’t deride me very much as I was expecting. He is very outspoken and a staunch Republican with extremist leanings so I expected to get an ear full.

“Who did you vote for in the last election?” Jim then asked.

“I voted Democrat. Obama,” I replied. “I had great hopes for Obama changing the country for the better, but so far he has disappointed me. It is politics as usual on Capitol Hill.”

“That’s what you get for voting for a democrat,” Jim blurted with a smirk.

I just sighed and wished we could talk about the weather or work. Anything, but politics.

5am and Another Day of Gathering Carts has Started…

I just walked out to check on George. Mrs. Florene had just dropped him off and he clocked in. He was on his own today – left to his own devices.  He already had a long string of carts at the ready to bring in.

“Is this all there is to this job?” George asked me kind of miffed at the simplicity of the position.

“You aren’t tired of the job already, are you?” I asked warily.

“No,” George replied. “It is just kind of monotonous.”

I laughed. I reveled in the monotony of that job when I had it. I liked that fact that I had the same thing to do everyday with little deviation. It was very ritualistic and I revel in rituals which grok my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

“At least my boss is hot!” George exclaimed with a laugh. “She sure is a looker!”

She is a very pretty woman. I have no doubts that George would have her in bed at a moment’s notice – George having no qualms about such things. I took some solace in that my old supervisor is entirely not interested in George in a sexual manner.  She reserves that for me – with the advances still coming fast and furious. It drives Stacey crazy!

Book Buying Time…

“Mom?” I asked at my mother’s disheveled appearance this morning. “Let’s go inside and fix your hair.”

Mom was very early today to buy groceries. She had basically just crawled out of the bed and into the car. She said she wanted to get it over with – that it had been worrying her all morning. Mom looked very amiss.

I helped mom fix her hair using lots of hairspray and we ironed her shirt. I then drove us to the grocery store. Sometimes mom just needs a little extra attention from her loved ones. 

“I am going to spend some money today,” she told me as if warning me. “I am out of books to read and I am going to buy me and you lots of books at the grocery store.”

I only spent $77 dollars today. I splurged and bought a rotisserie chicken for Maggie and Caramel as a treat. Mom thought I was crazy spending $3.99 on a chicken for the dogs.

Mom has a strong affinity for the grocery baggers at Kroger. Many of them have disabilities or mental deficiencies.

“Hey Chris,” she said very happily to our bagger today. “I will be by tomorrow to buy my husband’s and my groceries and will give you a big tip for helping me.”

Chris smiled vigorously, nodding his head and said something that mom and I both couldn’t decipher – his speech being garbled.

Mom bought a plethora of books from Sandra Brown to Anne Rice. I was very pleased when mom agreed to buy me a $50 dollar iTunes gift card instead of books – being more interested in music these days.

My Pantry Runneth Over…

My freezer and kitchen cabinets are now full of food. I just haven’t had an appetite after coming off all those medications. When I was on the high levels of Risperdal, I could eat you out of house and home. I eat a lot of simple cheese and turkey sandwiches these days.  I haven’t lost weight, though. My weight continues to hover from between 175 to 180 pounds.

It feels good to have so much food in the house. Often, I will go into the kitchen to open the freezer just to survey my bounty with much pleasure.  For so many years, it was a struggle keeping food in the house – me always feeling badly when I would run out and would have to ask my parents for more. It was an entirely demeaning and demoralizing process. Dad controlled my disability money with an iron fist and would howl in protest if I ever needed extra food.  

I told mom of all the food I have now on the drive home and she suggested we start buying groceries only every other week to please my father by spending less disability money.

“No way,” I replied with a scoff. “I am going to use that $85 dollars of grocery money dad gives me every week to my supreme advantage. I will start buying canned goods and non perishable items next week. I am going to continue to stock up!”

Surprise Visit…

Luckily, a moment ago I was standing in the aisle with the printers straightening all the expensive printer ink – gloating over the prices we charge.

“How are things going?” I heard a voice over my shoulder.

I turned to look and it was my new supervisor. A few minutes ago, he would have caught me on my iPad browsing comments on Fark.com. I will have to be more careful as the shift ends from now on.

“Your doing a good job,” he told me patronizingly. “The department always looks good every morning when I come in.”

He left to do what supervisors do on early morning arrivals – no doubt to go cohort with the other supervisors in the store – drinking coffee and reveling in their employee’s antics.

I was anxiously awaiting 5am to arrive this morning. George was set to show along with my old supervisor. The part-time guy was going to train him today. 5am rolled around and I walked outside to look and George was already busy bringing in carts with the part-time guy directing him.

“Hey sweetheart!” my old supervisor said as I was walking in the store and caught her near customer service.

I smiled vigorously – so glad to see her and so pleased with how things were going this morning.  We talked for a few moments until I had to get back to my department – me being the only person on duty this early in the morning.

Jim stopped by earlier in the night with his usual purchase. Jim and I are creatures of habit – having the same nightly routines. Jim is very mainstream, conservative and religious as far as a black man in the South goes. We would never be friends if it were not for our common cause of work. We talked this morning of him being born again in Christianity. I feigned interest as I am not a very religious man, although I am well versed in religious matters. The discussion turned to Easter and how Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I had to resist my inclination to be cynical and say it was holiday rooted in pagan origins – originating with spring and the renewal of the Earth after a winter bereft of growth. There are a lot of pagan correlations with Christianity and many of our holidays. Most of our conversations revolved around me listening and Jim preaching to his one man choir. I have learned with people like Jim that it is best not to blurt out my unorthodox beliefs on matters religious and political.  

Well, it is 6am. I have an hour to go and then I am going to check on George and head home. Today is grocery day and mom will be by around lunch before her hair appointment for us to go. I hope to get in a few hours of sleep before then.  I am already very sleepy this morning. Those warm covers are going to feel so good on this cool morning.  It was another good night of work. I am pleased.

Obsessive Auburn Fans…

“Your father has watched the Auburn game three times today over and over,” mom said as she walked in my house. “He is just obsessed!”

“What are you doing?” I asked, smiling at mom’s exasperation and also surprised at mom’s unannounced visit.

“I just couldn’t take it any more and came over here to be with you where it is quiet. Your father is going deaf and turns the TV up so loud it is maddening.”

I went back to toodling with my computers as mom lay on the bed in the computer room talking about all her problems which she seemingly has many.  Caramel was sleeping on the couch and Maggie jumped up on the bed to be with mom.

“I finally got my pain pills,” mom told me as she lay there on her side. “I was determined not to hurt anymore.”

“Have they helped?” I asked, intrigued.

“Immensely!” mom exclaimed. “I just took two before coming over here. I am waiting for them to take effect. My back and leg is killing me. I have found I have to take two pills to get the best effect.”

Things got quiet after awhile as I looked over at the bed and mom had fallen asleep. I turned down the Bjork CD I was listening to and settled in for a quiet and pleasant afternoon of browsing the web and blog writing.

George’s First Day of Work…

Tomorrow is the big day – a day of reckoning for me. Will George show up for work? Will he work hard and please my old supervisor? I have a friendship in my old supervisor riding on this. I am pretty content that George will do his best. He has always been a hard worker. 

I talked to George briefly on the phone this afternoon.

“Run me by the shot house,” he asked pleadingly.

“No way!” I said. “That is just too much temptation and you don’t need to be spending your mother’s Social Security money on prostitutes!”

George laughed goodheartedly acquiescing and agreed it would be a lot of temptation for just his second day home. I was relieved when he dropped the subject and we started to talk about work.

“What is my boss like?” George asked.

I thought for a long moment about how best to describe her.

“Sexual,” I finally said bluntly.

“Hot damn!!!” George said laughing. “I like a sexy boss!”

I laughed in turn.

I then asked George what Mrs. Florene cooked for Sunday dinner – glad that Mrs. Florene could settle back into her old routines she has performed for years.

“She cooked fried cubed steak, broccoli, rice and gravy, and biscuits,” he said. “You should’ve came and ate with us.”

It did sound wonderful, but I was soundly asleep around noon when Mrs. Florene would be getting out of church and cooking.

Looking Back on a Week in My New Position…

Well, I have now worked six days, eight days counting training, in my new position. I really like my job. I enjoy working at night – always having been a night owl. It is also pleasantly slow and stress free during the early hours of the morning. Derrick says days are gangbusters. My biggest fears were running the point of sale and handling money. I have never been good at math and making change, but the register does that for me thankfully.  Like Derrick said, “Even a monkey could run the point of sales.” Walmart makes it easy for even the most mentally deficient person.

Everynight is pretty much the same. I clock in around 10:50pm and put away my lunch, sodas and snacks, and put on my smock. 11pm to midnight is usually steady with the last customers of the day and then it settles into this quiet calm.  Much of my job is centered around stocking items for sale for the next day. I am also responsible for cleaning up the shelves, fronting the items, and getting things looking neat for the next day. I usually get caught up around 3am when Jim visits me on his lunch break and we talk for awhile.  Then, it is time to goof off and I get out my iPad or laptop. I am finding having the iPad at work to be much more stealthy – easily thrust under the counter when a customer or coworker approaches.  I am going to try blogging with it tonight with a new app Syd suggested. I am still getting used to the onscreen keyboard and the lack of tactile feedback.

I look forward to work tonight – having got lots of good sleep today. Before long, I will be cooking supper, ironing my clothes for work and will take a shower and shave. Just the mundane, daily rituals we all go through when working a job – rituals I didn’t have in my life for eight long years. It has been a pleasant and much needed change in my life – to have purpose and to be self supporting.

This and That…

• Well, it is safe to say that most of you think anonymous comments are a bad idea. I will leave them off for most likely permanently. If you want to comment, then sign up for a Google account.

• Stacey asked me to help her get out of debt last night. I was overjoyed to help – often worrying about her tendency to frivolously charge items on her many credit cards. She loves to shop for clothes and jewelry online. I told her it is going to take probably a year, but we could do it.

• Mom called me last night complaining about dad’s obsessive football watching habits. I smiled. I don’t much care for watching the games, but I will keep up with the scores on ESPN.com.  Dad and my brother are just fanatical about it, though.

• I cooked mom’s spaghetti last night and it was delicious. I made a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and toasted some barbecue bread. Stacey has decided this is her favorite recipe of mom’s.

• Stacey is in the bed at the moment with Caramel and Sadie. Maggie got up with me and is lying on the bed in my computer room. She insists on staying in any room I am in. She is my constant companion with Caramel being more aloof about such things.

• I was overjoyed tonight when I found out how to change the resolution on my HDTV to it’s non-native resolution. I have it hooked up to my computer as my main monitor and this gives me extremely much more screen real estate. I was so happy and it is like having a whole new computer.

• I am passingly listening to Coast to Coast AM at the moment. They are talking about some “monkey virus” and the death of Sonny Bono not being an accident. I am not entirely interested in tonight’s program, but listen out of habit.

• I am still enjoying my iPad. I had to yank it out of Stacey’s hands last night as we lay in the bed browsing. I am going to buy her one for Christmas. She loves it. It is really great for just browsing the web, which is mainly what I normally do. I use my laptop and main computer to update the blog.

• I spent a long time yesterday putting together another second hand computer out of parts I had lying around. I’ve got it connected wirelessly in the den where I can stream the music off my 2 terabyte drive in my main computer to my surround system in that other room. Stacey says I am obsessed with computers just like my ex-wife always used to say. 

• I am trying to decide what I want for Christmas. I have $500 dollars to spend. I am thinking a new digital surround system for my computer and a new sound card. I listen to most of my music through my computer these days.

• I mowed two lawns for $50 dollars late yesterday afternoon. It was just sweltering, though. I was glad to finish and get home to start supper and see Stacey.

• I am about to drive over to get my six diet Cokes for the day. This is one of the more pleasing ritruals I experience everyday. I love the early morning drive as I listen to the CD du jour.  

• I was toying with the idea of quitting taking my Risperdal. I am on only 2mg per night now.  I was on 8 1/2 miligrams at one point. I feel it makes me feel tired and fatigued. I just want to be off all these medications. As my medication levels continue to drop, I feel better and better as each week passes. I can be so impatient.

The Reunion…

Mrs. Florene cooked George’s favorite meal last night. Pot roast with potatoes and carrots, Southern style sticky rice and gravy, green beans, and biscuits. She also cooked a chocolate pie which is also one of George’s favorite desserts.

“You would think you were on death row and it was your last meal,” I told him laughing as I ate a piece of pie myself.

Mrs. Florene smiled so proudly as she cleaned up the kitchen after supper and George and I talked as we sat at the table drinking glasses of delightfully sweet tea.

“It is hard to describe,” George said. “This prison thing. I thought I would go crazy every day with nothing to do. I’ve been to county jail before, but state prison was a whole ‘nother world.”

“You wrote to me a lot about prison gangs,” I replied. “Was it that bad?”

“It was terrible,” George said. “They censored my letters to you so I couldn’t write the truth, but gangs were rampant. If you weren’t in a gang then you were ostracized by the prison community. You always had to watch out for shanks – toothbrushes filed to a sharp point used as weapons.”

I could only imagine what George had been through. It must have been terrible, and by what he was revealing to me, it was.

“Tell me about my job," George then asked excitedly changing the subject to more positive things.

“I worked it for two months,” I replied. “You will be gathering and bringing in all the carts every early morning till the afternoon. It is a simple job, but satisfying.  At least, it was for me.”

George thanked me for getting him the job. It was one of the prime deciding factors to him getting parole.

After dessert, George and I walked outside like old times so he could smoke.  Only now, I no longer smoke which surprised George.

“Cigarettes were worth their weight in gold in prison,” George told me wistfully as he drew on his Swisher’s Sweet. “Certain guards would smuggle them in and they made a mint off them. Guards would smuggle in drugs as well.”

George said cigarettes were like a currency in prison and could buy you great favor. They were illegal and highly coveted.

As I was leaving, I gave George a big hug and he didn’t act funny about it. George can be kind of homophobic.

“So glad to have you home, man,” I said as we clasped hands and shook.

George chomped on his cigar with a vigorous grin.

“Now, it is time for some pussy.  Just don’t tell momma.”

I burst out laughing. I was still smiling as I got in the car and drove off. Prison might have been hard, but George was still George. Some things will just never change.

I’m Fine With Overtime…

I left George’s last night to bring my cable box and digital video recorder to dad. He was happy.

“This will cut your cable bill in half,” he told me as we put the boxes into his car. “I will continue to let the pharmacy pay for it. I get a discount on my business plan for having my residential accounts on it as well.”

“I don’t watch much TV,” I replied. “Just let me keep my faster level of Internet service.”

He agreed.

I thought we had a no overtime policy at work. I guess it only applied to non-associates. They wanted me to work last night and I was happy to get the extra money. I am making more money than I know what to do with with my disability subsidizing all my living costs. I have a lot of expendable income these days and it is all getting squirreled away for a future possible emergency. I am following my psychiatrist’s and therapist’s advice about that.

Work was routine. I spent a lot of time stocking the shelves again last night.  We got a bunch of new video games in and I took a long time reading the boxes as I put them away curiously. I so wish I could play video games again. I used to play with a passion and could play for hours every day. I am still fascinated by them, but as soon as I start to play, I grow bored easily. I guess I am finally growing up.

Jim was off last night and I missed him. I did have one lady who runs one of the point of sales up front come back and buy a new cellphone. She was very nice and very pretty. I had to restrain myself from flirting.  

As soon as I walked into the house after work, my cellphone rang. It was mom. She was fretting over my diet sodas she gives me every day.

“I got Judy to order you cases of diet Coke now that you are drinking caffeine again,” she told me. “We had a hard time ordering the diet Sprite so that will work well.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

“What about your anxiety?” mom asked. “Doesn’t the caffeine affect you?”

“I haven’t had much anxiety for about a week now,” I told her.

“That is just wonderful, Jonathon,” mom replied. “I wish I could get my anxiety under control. I had the most awful panic attack yesterday.”

Mom has been putting little treats in my sack of cokes she gives me every day.  Yesterday, she put a box of Cheez-Its. My favorite snack. The day before was some beef jerky for Maggie and Caramel. Dad would never do these kinds of things and I appreciate it very much. Mom is so thoughtful. 

Well, I need to get out this afternoon and mow some lawns. It has been so dry lately that most of my business has dried up with it as well. I have a few clients that just want me to weed eat and do some general shaping up. My own lawn is just about dead from such a dry summer. It is brown and dormant. I am off tonight and look forward to a night of just goofing off and generally doing nothing, but staying on the Internet and listening to four hours of Coast to Coast AM. Stacey is also staying the night as well and I will get us up a good supper. She wanted to go out to eat, but I persuaded her into letting me defrost and for us to have mom’s spaghetti. I am so looking forward to that. I hope you all are having a great weekend and I will check in again tonight. I have lots of time to write tonight and it should prove interesting.

A Lazy Afternoon in the South…

I was just standing in mom and dad’s kitchen as Helen cooked supper.  We finally had something fried this evening much to my elation.  Helen was cooking English peas with carrots, fried Swiss steak, baked potatoes, fruit salad, and biscuits.  Dad had just arrived home and changed clothes into his pajamas.

“Mr. John?  Are you going to bed?” Helen asked as dad passed through the kitchen to survey Helen’s meal.

Dad laughed.

“I am going out on the porch to read for awhile until supper is ready. I am just getting ready to relax.”

Dad and I don’t say much to each other these days. We just chose to disagree about the course I am taking with my life. Dad worries about my retirement and disability ending in May. I finally got him to go online to read all the guidelines with disability and that diffused the situation some when he realized I wasn’t going to lose disability and Medicare any day now.

“Are you still feeling depressed?” mom asked from the den as she sat reading the fourth and final book of the Twilight series.

I had made a passing remark to her yesterday that I was sleeping a lot.  She took this as I was depressed as she often is when she sleeps all day.

“I am just tired,” I told her. “It has been a busy past few months. I am still getting used to working nights.”

“I think you are doing the right thing despite what Mr. John says,” Helen told me, never one to hold back “A grown man needs to work and support himself.”

I smiled and gave Helen a big hug as she giggled.

I looked on as Helen added mayonnaise to the fruit cocktail and began to mix.  She also started to cut up some bananas to add to the fruit salad.

“Tell me about your new job,” Helen said as she walked over to the stove to turn the frying steak.

“I work in electronics and love playing with all the gadgets we sell,” I replied. “It can be pretty slow customer-wise at night, though.”

Just then, Helen’s cellphone rang. It was her son who is a truck driver and on the road most of the time. I took this as my cue to leave with mom telling me she would bring me my plate later in the afternoon.  It was just one of those lazy and normal afternoons in the late summer of the South.  I enjoy these kinds of moments so much.

George is Home…

Mrs. Florene called me a moment ago.  They went and picked George up at the county jail. He is already complaining about how uncomfortable his monitoring device is she said.

“He’s lost a lot of weight,” Mrs. Florene told me. “He looks so skinny!”

“Put him on the phone,” I told her.

“What’s up you crazy motherfucker!!!!” George exclaimed laughing.

I could hear Mrs.Florene telling him not to talk like that in her house. It seems like he never left. I laughed.

“How does it feel to be a free man?” I asked him.

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” George told me. “I feel like a caged animal whose door just got opened and he is afraid to go out!”

“Take a long walk, smoke a bazillion cigars, and enjoy the fresh air!” I exclaimed.

“When are we getting together?” George asked.

“I will be over tonight before work,” I told him. “Be forewarned as I am going to give you a big bear hug!”

George laughed nervously.

“You haven’t turned gay on me, have you?”

“Only for you, you sexy thang!” I replied.

We got off the phone.  I still can’t believe he is home.  He sounded so good, as if he never left. We’ve all been waiting for this moment for a very long time. I thought September 9th would never get here.  Well, mom should be by soon with Helen’s Friday meal and my diet Sprite. I am going to eat and take a quick nap before going over to see George.