Do you ever want to run and hide? Do life’s burdens ever seem too much for you? I am feeling this way tonight. I turned off all my lights and sat on the floor crying deeply. I cannot live up to the expectations of my significant others. It is just too much on me. They want me to succeed. Their view of success is different from mine. They want me to have a model life despite all my limitations. I value all of them very much and this puts a great deal of pressure on me. I cannot live like they propose though. I need a simple existence; as simple as it can get for my mental health. I am expressing weakness tonight and I am sure it will be exploited by someone in the blogosphere. I am sure I will get a snide comment upon this. I want to say, “Fuck You!” in advance.
I shall continue with school even though I see it as a fruitless endeavor. Far too much in my life I have had people ask me, “What do you do?”. My life has a value regardless of how much “work” I do or how successful I am with completing a degree. I wanted so much to help others but sometimes I find it hard in helping myself. At these times I want to cry out in distress. How can I help others when simple things in my life escape me?
It is time for quiet contemplation; time to gather my thoughts and regroup for another battle. They always come. Wave after wave, mindless drones spewing their groupthink. I can counter it though. I am as wily as the cleverest coyote. I shall hold on for another battle. My life is not done yet. I have thirty good more years ahead of me.
My life has great meaning and this has nothing to do with what job I take or my “Profession”. I am a good person with a good heart. I want the world to be good. I want to see justice for all. I want in my own small way to make a difference. My so called difference would be trivial when I compare it to what I see going on around me.
It is times such as these I want to don my backpack and walk out into the great unknowns to never return. If I die of starvation then so be it. I will have lived in a few months what many never live in a lifetime. I shall be finally free. Free from this drudgery of so called life. This meaningless process we all clamor to succeed in. I shall have final and absolute control of my destiny and die doing what I think is noble and right. I will be ostracized and my good name traversed like a treadmill though.
I really need to go to bed. I need peace of mind. I need to rest and re-gather my thoughts. I shall now go try to do that. The morning often sheds a different light on what your previous day started with. Good night.
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